Friday, July 31, 2009


One of the best motherfucking goddamn film soundtracks EVER, from one of the best motherfucking goddamn films EVER. Wendy Carlos knocked it out of the park on this one, setting the tone with walls of delicious analog synth and shitloads of modulated oscillation. Awesome enough as is, but the Tron OST, as an added bonus, also contains two tracks from Journey -- one a sappy love song, but the other a killer instrumental track entitled "1990s Theme" which provides us with a fascinating glimpse of what the future of the 80's looked like through the eyes of Neil Schon. Legendary.

Get the Clockwork Orange OST (from when Wendy used to be Walter) over here.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE



Above: Oregon Trail: The Movie??? Think about THAT shit for awhile.

Before Resident Evil, before Tomb Raider, before the hideous abominations BloodRayne and Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li, there were the classics. Big, stupid movies, based on 8- and 16-bit video games, full of bright colors, bad dialogue, simple storylines, and big explosions. This is what filmmaking is all about. The real deal. Movies based on video games. From the 90's. Epic.

The Top Five:


Del Tigre summed this one up in a post way back here, and I highly recommend checking it out. The guy from Iron Chef and one of the Power Rangers team up with a neon-and-splatterpaint clad Alyssa Milano to defeat Terminator 2 and rejoin two halves of a mystical amulet or something. Not too shabby.
Plus, you get the dude from The Hills Have Eyes (left) and super awesome latex gore effects (below, right).

The casting alone makes it a must-see. But the action sequences (possibly choreographed by the same guy who did the aforementioned Power Rangers) put it over the top, along with the costumes, set design, and haircuts. This flick is 90'S INCARNATE. Check those guys out down there. Can you even imagine two dudes you would rather go rollerblading with? No way.

The final battle:

The inspiration:


Left: One of those guys is Christian Bale. No joke.

It is a well known fact here at Illogical Contraption Branch HQ that the ONLY techno EVER allowed on the premises is the theme song from Mortal Kombat. Although it consists of little more than an oonce-oonce beat, a Christopher Lee-esque voice-over listing off characters, and a guy shouting "MORTAL KOMBAAAATTT!!!" over and over, the song never fails to pump all nads present. Similarly, the film itself is a high-octane Bro-Fest of epic proportions. I watched it just the other day (the same day I watched The New Barbarians, in fact) but I'm still not sure what the plot is all about. Oh, and the sequel, Mortal Kombat Annihilation? Don't get me started.

As far as movies from the 90's based on video games go, Mortal Kombat definitely qualifies as the one most faithful to the original. The characters look like they do in the game, the sets are similar, and the dialogue is about the same too. And Christopher Lambert as Rayden? Shiiiit. Forget about it.

Mortal Kombat fun fact: Did you know that an Inside The Torn Apart-era Napalm Death appeared on the soundtrack? Hmmm.


The trailer:

The inspiration:


I threw this one in as a sorbet, to cleanse the palate. I've never seen the movie, nor have I played the video game. But according to my research this is the ONLY other live-action movie based on a video game released in the 1990's. So I pretty much HAD to include it.

The trailer:

The inspiration:


Right: "First off, we'd like to thank the Academy..."

Super Mario Bros. was the FIRST official video game to movie adaptation, and also nearly the best. While it isn't exactly "good" per se, it IS loud, weird, unsettling, and accidentally creepy. Surrealistic almost to the point of complete insanity, Bros. was a major box office failure, which is always a good inversely-proportional indicator of a film's quality. The movie-going public could NOT wrap their head around this one, and I don't blame them. Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo as the titular characters? They're not even Italian.
It's small details like these that make Mario Bros. a masterpiece.

Not to mention all those tiny-headed lizard men and Dennis Hopper. Oh, and dinosaurs. This movie really has it all, but bears very little resemblance to the game it was based upon. Which is OK. I hate to say it, but the game's storyline was kinda weak.

Below: The game, based on the movie, based on the game. (???)

The trailer:

The inspiration:


Left: In case his "AMERICAN" accent wasn't a sufficient proof of just how "AMERICAN" he is, JCVD's AMERICAN FLAG tattoo should be. BOO-YAH!

After a long and dignified run on stage and screen, which included several successful Broadway plays and appearances in The Morning After, Moon Over Parador, Othello, and King Lear, Raul Julia performed in the crown jewel of his storied career just before his death in 1995. As his final curtain call, Julia played the ruthless M. Bison, opposite Jean-Claude Van Damme's Colonel Guile, in 1994's Street Fighter. A more fitting end to his life could not possibly have been imagined.
By the way, did you know that Raul Julia's father was the first man to bring pizza to Puerto Rico? I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Again, resemblances to the actual game are minimal besides the cast of characters and a running theme of dudes fighting each other. But both the game and the movie excel in ass-kickery far beyond the call of duty, and are here thusly rewarded.


Word up.

Below: Golden Globe Award winner. Tony nominee. Spokesman for The Hunger Project. After a lifetime of accomplishments, Raul Julia receives his last, and final, honor: Being kicked in the face by Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Quite possibly the best trailer of all time:

The inspiration:

Thursday, July 30, 2009


Illogical Contraption has always had a fascination with the obscure metal phenomenom of man-antlers (or, more commonly, "Mantlers"). I first discussed them at length on the THIRD DAY of this blog's existence, and followed up with more about them here, here, here, and... Hell, if you need more, just click the 'Mantlers' tag over there on the sidebar. Mantlers are a strange and prevalent symptom of heavy metal culture, too weird to be widely acknowledged but too common to be some sort of coincidence. Several examples of well-known Mantlers are shown below.

So imagine my delight when I saw the cover art for Skeleton Witch's impending album, Breathing The Fire, over on MetalSucks earlier today:

HOLY SHIT! This might just be the finest example of a mantlered metallion I've EVER seen. Not only are the Mantlers totally center stage on this one, but the cover itself couldn't conceivably any more METAL than it already is. This rules.
But here's the kicker: The artwork was created by Major Bro, SF resident, and all-around rockin' dude Andrei Bouzikov (right), who has also supplied album covers for Municipal-Waste,Cannabis Corpse, and many, many others.
Hold on, though, it gets even better: Not only is Andrei tuned into the Mantler phenomenon, but he has also shown interest in creating a gore and dinosaur-themed cover for the upcoming CRETACEOUS CD, which might quite possibly be the coolest thing to ever exist, EVER.
Consider my nads VERY PUMPED.

PS: Extra points awarded to this album for the first documented usage of a bull-skull codpiece. Never seen THAT before.

PSS: Another mantlered beauty, this one off of Oakland's own LAUDANUM's new shirts and patches. Thanks to Hell Crust for the head's up.


Everything I ever needed to know about powerviolence, I learned from Possessed To Skate. And everything I ever needed to learn about downloading semi-obscure skategrind compliations from the late 90's, I learned from Kick To Kill.



1. Charles Bronson - The Story Of My Life
2. Charles Bronson - Grown Up Corpses
3. Charles Bronson - Big Pig On A Rope
4. Charles Bronson - I'm So Smart Now
5. Charles Bronson - As Fucked As Gator
6. Charles Bronson - Skate For God
7. Charles Bronson - You Will Go (Steve Caballero)
8. Spazz - Sir Wax Alot
9. Spazz - Billy Pepper's Fist In The Glass Eye Of Jake Phelps
10. Spazz - Skatin' And Satan Go Hand In Hoof
11. Spazz - B-Street Butta
12. Spazz - Town Center
13. Spazz - Crazy Eddie
14. Assholeparade - Hash Thrash
15. Assholeparade - 700 Years
16. Assholeparade - Just A Reminder
17. Assholeparade - Launch Ramp
18. Pretentious Assholes - South Of New Haven
19. Pretentious Assholes - Willow Brook Warriors
20. Pretentious Assholes - Servitude
21. Pretentious Assholes - Kill Thy Slavemaster
22. Pretentious Assholes - Player Dog Rest In Peace
23. Pretentious Assholes - Decisions
24. Pretentious Assholes - Buried Alive
25. Unanswered - Social Insecurity
26. Unanswered - Classification
27. Palatka - Bicentennial
28. Palatka - Vultures, Hyenas
29. Palatka - Apartment
30. Palatka - Property Values
31. Palatka - Straight (Straight Youth)
32. Despise You - Blindside Assault
33. Despise You - Extinction By Design
34. Despise You - It Made That Man Snap
35. Despise You - End Of The Line
36. Despise You - Run For Your Fucking Life
37. Despise You - You Can't...
38. Despise You - We Won't Stop Cutting You
39. Despise You - Cry To The Bleeding Sky
40. Despise You - Mental Winter
41. Despise You - Rage Of The Helpless

Download HERE

"I thirst you ALL to accompany, and also to wigwag outdoors with your cock outdoors." (A re-re-post)

This morning, as I Google-searched "illogical contraption" in search of any sort of I.C.-related news (I do this more often than I probably should), I stumbled upon a website/blog thing, called "evil dead" (screencap shown above), which re-posted an inconsequential piece from June 11th about upcoming shows in the Bay Area. I'm not sure what "evil dead" is all about (they are advertised as "another excellent weblog"), but it seems that they took the content of the original post and ran it through some sort of ESL/Mad Libs filter before displaying it. The results are confusing, contradictory, and altogether AWESOME. By the way, the "evil dead" piece is the SEVENTH result if you Google I.C., so SOMEONE out there is reading it. I don't really know what to make of all this.
Read my original post here. The "evil dead" version is reprinted in its entirety below. Images and italics (on the best phrases) are my addition.

"I fathom that this pile drive purely be fitting to surprise 5% of our readers (those who reside in or about the Bay Area). But that’s friendly of the unbroken pornographic that Illogical Contraption was built upon. 20 posts that like 5% of the readership each? That’s a 100% celebrity price! Awesome! Looking on account of some ardent Summer frolic? Look no fresh than Kaptain Kobras’ Krazy Koncert Kalendar, your one-stop betray on account of wigwag ‘n’ fly awesomeness in the San Francisco Bay Area! Trying to method a vacation, but deprivation a devoted to conclusion to method it about? We’ve got you covered. Need to learn your break down into of fart- or dinosaur-themed corpulent metal? No fine kettle of fish.

Just veld BORED? Not anymore. This Summer’s gonna sizzle, and now’s the constantly to available a faЗade fuss position on account of all the ardent action!-Monday, June 15th at the Elbo Room (647 Valencia in SF): Live Evil, Freeball & Lightning (members of Drunk Horse), and Dalton. This Summer promises to be not later than paralysed a elevation the BEST in modern retention, with a unbroken shitload of bands (that I’m in) playing a unbroken shitload of shows, make up for in your backyard! Check outdoors the agenda minuscule than minuscule down, then strap on your boogie shoes and sweetest pair off of Oakleys. Epic Bro Rock. Monday nights RULE!!!-Friday, June 19th at SUB-Mission (formerly Balazo Gallery), 2183 Mission at 18th: Skitzo, Farticus, Cretaceous, Savage Machine, and Fluff Grrl (click here on account of join forces together links and stuff). A shades of night of disparity, metal, and intricate bodily functions. It’s door guy/booker Michael’s birthday.

-HOLY SHIT THIS SHOW IS GONNA RULE – Friday, June 26th at Annie’s Social Club (917 Folsom): Tres Hombres XXX (ZZ Top bridge join forces together featuring Brian Fucking Kehoe, daft shredmaster from both Kehoe Nation and M.I.R.V.), Turbonegra (all-girl Turbonegro bridge band), and Dalton. Buy him a beer. (July drive be a doltish month on account of shows, as Dalton enters the studio to surprise down their exceptionally anticipated full-length launching album and shoots a video. But Pentagram (YAY!) and Nachmystium (BOO!) are playing at the DNA Lounge July 2nd.

(Decisions, decisions.)-Sunday, Aug 2nd at the Evil Dead Shed in Concord, CA: Cretaceous with more bands TBA, directly again locate on not later than our pals the Diablo Valley Pyrate Punx. Be forewarned, eventually: Yes and Asia are playing that SAME NIGHT at the Regency Ballroom. The most modern be noticeable we played at this surprise back was unforgettable. Dirty, backyard mosh pits RULE. Did I gift that Cretaceous is in the make of mixing a defame spankin’ creative 5-song EP? Way safer than the most modern anecdote, I asseverate you.

-Tuesday, August 4th at The Knockout (3223 Mission Street in SF): Dalton, Farticus, and my bros Thirtythreeandathird (from Arcata — mostly download their demo here). Putting someone to boot me behind the mixing directors is continually a clever pornographic. Tuesdays are the NEW Monday!So there you get it. A WHOLE GODDAMN SUMMER of dreadful music, brought to you including the exquisiteness of Illogical Contraption and Kaptain Kobras himself.

I thirst you ALL to accompany, and also to wigwag outdoors with your cock outdoors."

I'm not sure what the meaning of all this is, and I haven't yet had the time to research it further. But I can tell you one thing: I wish that "evil dead/weblogs/edublogs" would rewrite ALL of my posts. This one in particular is a VAST improvement over the original. If you're out there, "evil dead" guy, please contact me.

Check out the mysterious Edublogs version, in its original location, here. (Editor's note: Do so at your own risk. The Heckler explained in the 'Comments' section that this whole Edublogs thing -- along with many others -- are just designed for advertising and spreading malware viruses. Sweet)

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


This week: ZAO - Z = 7L (1973)

No, I'm not talking about that shitty metalcore band with the same name. THIS Zao was an offshoot of Magma, formed by pianist Francois Cahen and saxophonist Yochk'o Seffer when Christian Vander began taking more creative control over the band. Predictably, Zao's sound is quite similar to that of their parent band, with the main differences being a lighter, bouncier sound and the freaky, quasi-operatic vocals of frontwoman Mauricia Platon. In true Zeuhl fashion, Platon freestyles her vocals on each track, warbling randomly in a style that's not so much a language as a psychedelic exorcism.
The end result is sort of a spaced-out porn soundtrack, chugging along in 9/8 (or weirder) time, replete with some wah-wah and sexy saxophones. Oh, and a crazy cat lady going "DOODLEY-DOODLEY-DOODLEY!" over the whole thing. Every bit as good as it sounds.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE


Future Man, aka Roy Wooten, aka RoyEl, aka "Futch", is the percussionist for Bela Fleck and The Flecktones, a super-weak jazz fusion outfit that your "cool" uncle who goes to microbrew festivals and wears khaki shorts probably likes. Future Man's brother, Victor, plays bass in the band too, and built a good-sized empire selling "How To Play Slap Bass" instructional videos to teenage shut-ins. I wrote briefly about Future Man before ("Keytar Heroes: The Unsung Champions of Technology's Greatest Triumph", December 17, 2008), but this guy deserves a post all his own. He is AWESOME.

There are three things you need to know about Future Man:

1) Future Man is from the FUTURE.

2) Future Man dresses like an extra from Ice Pirates (see example at right).

3) Future Man plays a Drumitar.

I know what you're thinking right now: "A 'DRUMITAR'!? What the hell could that possibly be? That's like a combination of the words 'drum' and 'guitar'! How is that possible?!"
Let me explain:
A drumitar is a combination drum machine/keytar, obviously the weapon of choice for progressive bluegrass/jazz rockers from the future. If you were to eat a bunch of Legos and then throw up on a keytar, you would have the approximate visual equivalent of a drumitar. Observe:

Allow Future Man himself to explain:

Left: O Lord, what I wouldn't do for a Future Man T-shirt...

There are three main reasons that Future Man qualifies as a Bro of the Highest Order even though his band sucks:

1) In addition to inventing the drumitar, Future Man also invented a piano-like instrument called the RoyEl, which contains notes not found in traditional western music scales. The layout of these notes are based on the periodic table of the elements and The Golden Mean. Futch is a fucking dork. In a good way.

2) Since he is from the future, Future Man doesn't have to pay taxes. Apparently, no one informed the IRS about "the future clause", because he was convicted of tax evasion in 2005 and ordered to pay $114,000 in back taxes. Amongst other zany defense tactics, Futch claimed he was innocent since he "wasn't subject to the jurisdiction of present courts or laws". True.

3) Future Man claims that his solo works are based on Pythagorean numerology and Vedic mathematics. Double dork.

A quick video of Future Man SHREDDING ON A FUCKING DRUMITAR:


Philosophical conundrums presented by the mere existence of Future Man:

1) Future Man's "brother" was born in 1964, yet Future Man himself was most likely born no earlier than the year 3000.

2) Those cheesy plastic "guitars" used as controllers for Guitar Hero (and later, Rock Band) were obviously inspired by the color-coded controls on a drumitar. But if Future Man came from the FUTURE, didn't Rock Band technically come FIRST?

3) If Future Man prevented his own parents from hooking up, would he slowly fade out of any and all photographs of him, a la Back To The Future?


For more about Future Man, check out his official website here.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


For this, the SIX-HUNDRED-SIXTY-SIXTH POST here on the ol' Illogical Contraption, I figured I should feature an especially gooey, disgusting, and Satanic album, one that sums up what being evil and mean is all about. Assembled In Blasphemy is just such an album.
Comprised of three dudes from the whole Abscess/Autopsy thing, the singer from Necrophagia, and Dan Lilker (who has been in every band, EVER, up to and including an uncredited appearance on a Jonas Brothers album last year), Ravenous are the rare "supergroup" that DOES in fact add up to the sum of its parts, a black/speed/death/thrash metal amalgamation that possesses the good parts of each genre while suffering the pratfalls of none. Assembled In Blasphemy was the first in a run of two albums and one EP from these guys and is chuck full of malice, venom, sexual perversion, splattered blood, obscure horror movie samples, and good, old-fashioned HATE. Posers seeking "cred", begin here.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE


It would be pretty easy...

Ritual of Darkness - Demo, 1987
Rotting Christ - Demo, 1989
Killed By The Cross- EP, 1990
Impale the Soul of Christ on the Inverted Cross of Death - Demo, 1991
The Guts of Christ - Demo, 1993
Face Of Evil - Demo, 1995
Nunslaughter/Bloodsick - Split, 1997
Dekapitator / Nunslaughter - Split, 1998
Evil Speaks - Demo, 1998
Begotten Son / Evil Dreams - Split, 1999
Trafficking With The Devil - Split, 1999
Blood Devil - EP, 1999
Trifurcate - EP, 2000
Hell's Unholy Fire - Full-length, 2000
Hell On Belgium - EP, 2001
Hell On Germany - EP, 2001
Hell on Switzerland - EP, 2001
Rehearsal 1987 - EP, 2001
Devil Metal - Live album, 2001
One Night in Hell - Live album, 2001
Satan is Metal's Master/Sperm of the Antichrist - Split, 2001
Radio Damnation - Live album, 2001
Nunslaughter / Dr. Shrinker - Split, 2001
Nunslaughter - Best of/Compilation, 2002
Waiting To Kill Christ - Best of/Compilation, 2002
Nunslaughter / Cianide - Split, 2002
Satanic Salvation / Live Desecration - Split, 2002
Hell On Spain - EP, 2002
Hate your god - Demo, 2002
Fuck the Poser's - Split, 2003
Hail Germania - Split, 2003
Tasting the blood of your saviour...before his soul was impaled - EP, 2003
Hell On Austria - Live album, 2003
Goat - Full-length, 2003
Satanic Sluts - Single, 2003
Rotting - Single - 2003
Cerebus - EP - 2003
Hate Your God - Best of/Compilation, 2004
Back To The Crypt / Sadist - Split - 2004
On Our Way To Hell / Return of the Hellhorde - Split, 2004
Scorn On The 4th Of July - Split, 2004
Blasphemer - EP, 2004
Hell On France - EP, 2004
Metal Assault On Canberra - EP, 2004
The Supreme Beast - EP, 2004
Ritual Of Darkness - EP, 2004
The Bog People - EP, 2004
The Rotting Christ - EP, 2004
Forshadow / Reaper Of Man - Split, 2004
Burn The Cross - EP, 2004
Flesh Descending / Satan Shitting on Cunt - Split, 2004
Impale the Soul of Christ... On the Inverted Cross of Death - EP, 2004
Christmassacre - EP, 2004
Hell On Europe - Best of/Compilation, 2005
Open Sepulchre - Best of/Compilation, 2005
The Day We Die Best of/Compilation, 2005
Cryptic - Split, 2005
Slutty Cryptic Mother - EP, 2005
Ritual Of Darkness/Rehearsal 1987 - Demo, 2005
Bedeviled - Split, 2005
Cut God Out / Feasting On Purulence - Split, 2005
Metal Assault On Australia - DVD, 2005
The Devil Has His Day - Best of/Compilation, 2006
Fathers Of Fright - EP, 2006
Fuck That Cunt - EP, 2006
Fuck The God In Heaven - EP, 2006
The Rotting Christ - Demo, 2006
DEMOSlaughter - Boxed set, 2006
Metal Assault On Adelaide - EP, 2006
Metal Assault On Sydney - EP, 2006
Punk As Fuck - Split album, 2006
Nunslaughter/Sloth - Split, 2007
Eastern Illusion LP - Best of/Compilation, 2007
Nunslaughter/Destructor - Split, 2007
Damned In Japan - Boxed set, 2007
Hex - Full-length, 2007
Radical Rapture Ruptures - Live album, 2007
Nordic Nightmare Tour 2007 - EP, 2007
An Evening At War - Live album, 2007
Hellidelphia - DVD, 2007
The Curse Before The Hex - EP, 2007
Maggots - Split, 2007
Gravewurm / Nunslaughter - Split, 2007
Nunslaughter/Unholy Grave - Split, 2007
To Hell With Cleveland - Split album, 2007
Hell On Holland - EP, 2008
Novel Nasty Nugget - Best of/Compilation, 2008
Nunslaughter / Rabid - Split, 2008
Damned In Japan - DVD, 2008
Grehi Otza - Best of/Compilation, 2008
All Of The Dead - Best of/Compilation, 2008
Black Horn Of The Ram - Single, 2009
Demoslaughter - Best of/Compilation, 2009
European Excommunication Tour 2009 - EP, 2009
Padova 18 Marzo 2009 - Tour EP Commemorative - EP, 2009
Satanic Masturbation / Under Satan's Command - Split, 2009
Club Cobra Control - Live album, 2009
Nunslaughter / Goatsodomy - Split, 2009
Satanic Slut Spawns - Live album, 2009
Metal Assault On Melbourne & Brisbane - Live album, 2009
SathaSlaughter - EP, 2009

Seriously, guys. 16 releases in 2004 ALONE!? Jesus Christ, it usually takes other bands at least a year to come up with even an album NAME as sweet as Satan Shitting On Cunt. And 23 split albums!? I think it's pretty safe to say Nunslaughter has a pretty nasty case of Metal Herpes by now. It's also awesome that out of over 90 releases, only THREE are actual FULL-LENGTH ALBUMS. Nunslaughter needs Metal Ritalin. Nunslaughter is the metal equivalent of Octomom. Nunslaughter rules.

Monday, July 27, 2009


Gauge kicked my ass good the only time I saw them back in '93 or '94 at the old Manila Community Center. Not really my style of music anymore ("post-punk"? "post-hardcore"? "mathcore"? "post-whatevercore"?), but still a damn fine album that I pop in for a little trip down memory lane every once in awhile.
Fronted by a guy named Gub who played bass in Screeching Weasel for a minute, Gauge (who were from Chicago) display a very dinstinct affinity for all things Fugazi (especially vocals-wise) while still retaining a very unique and interesting sound. The riffs are both more solid and more tripped-out than anything the 'Gazi ever did, forming a twisting, stuttering, atonal base on which the melodic vocals are free to shine. These guys were only around for about four years, but managed to release a whole slew of records. Fire Tongue Burning Stomach was their last, but (from what I've heard) their best. Check this sucker out and get in touch with your Inner Art Student. Pussy.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE