Really?
Well over 3 and a half years of Illogical Contraption and no one has ever posted Fabio Frizzi's brilliant score to Lucio Fulci's (right) 1981 weirdo/gore/zombie/WTF/chiller The Beyond? This is inexcusable. Nigh unto treason. I scorn the entire writing staff for their oversight and laziness.
I found myself revisiting this film during a late-night bender just recently, and found myself once again blown away by a) the way everything in this movie happens for no apparent reason and applies to no real storyline (It's Italian, for fuck's sake! These flicks never make any sense.) b) that scene with the blind chick and her dog on the bridge (still super creepy), and c) THE FUCKING SOUNDTRACK, MAN! SO GOOD!!!
Despite the quality of Frizzi's compositions (past IC posts have explored the droning, minimalist genius of
City of the Living Dead/Gates of Hell and Zombi 2), he is far from "profilic" or "well known", recording just a handful of popular scores between the late 60's and today. Sure, his work on the first Zombie, Manhattan Baby, Argento's A Cat In The Brain, The Psychic, and Kill Bill Part 1 (known as Kiru Biru in Japan) have assured him his fair spot in the pantheon of great Italian film composers, but his renown remains mostly in his home country. Frizzi remains nestled comfortably within his own private Brozone Layer, pumping out the ill jams at a consistent--but not megalomaniacal--rate, always keeping it creepy, always keeping it gnar. Sick jams.
So it's been a while since I've put
anything up here. I know I've been forsaking my Illcon
responsibilities (Illcon-sibilities?) but I wanted to make
sure whatever I came back with was solid. And nothing seemed to jump
out at me. Yeah, there are some good metal albums and weird
conspiracies out there, but I wanted something really cool.
I was at the thrift store a while ago
and something presented itself to me. It's not the cool thing I was
looking for at all, the opposite really. A book so shitty looking
that I couldn't not buy it. I was struck at first by the title -
“Devil In The Metal” - along with a pentagram (though not
inverted as most Satanists would have it) and the ever-popular 666.
It bills itself as a tale of “murder, insanity, and terror in the
music business” which basically makes it sound like a fictionalized
extrapolation of every scare-tactic talk show from the late 80s that
set out to convince the good, upstanding people of middle America
that Twisted Sister existed to reap their childrens' immortal souls.
So I was gonna take one for the team,
read this thing, describe it. But I just can't. It just looks so
shitty. And I have a consistently growing pile of great books I need to get around to that I don't
have enough time for. But I don't think it matters. You don't need
to really read this book at all. All that's necessary are a few quotes to know the general gist of the
thing. I genuinely
feel that a fairly fleshed-out impression of the book's overall plot
can be gleaned from a handful of these lines.
-"'Joo guys are the rock group,
right?' the short, cute Brazilian prostitute asked."
-"'I'M A SLUT KILLER FOR SATAN!'
Monty yelled, his voice cracking."
-"Porn queen, Satan's slut, get
on your knees and fuck. Suck and moan and show your cunt and let
the jiz run down your butt."
-"'What's
'Bloody Hell' mean?' Bobby Shapiro asked, smiling. 'Is that the
English version of 'Oh
Fuck' or something?'"
-"'Who's
Norman Mailer?' one of the record company executives asked.
'Guy
who wrote All In The Family,
I think,' Bobby Shapiro said."
-"It
was the type of hood an executioner would wear, except that it had
white lines on it. It took Gil
only a second to realize that the white lines on the hood Monty was
wearing formed an upside-down
cross."
-"He
walked over to the homeless man and, with his back to the street,
pulled out his gun. He had
screwed a silencer on it. This was his chance to get another soul to
serve him in Hell."
-"Della
was looking into the barrel of the pistol, helplessly knowing that at
any second a bullet would
spew from the gun and rip her open like a cantaloupe."
-"Greg,
could you please fuck me? I'm so excited from watching you pee I
think I'm going to explode."
And
so on. And from my willfully ignorant standpoint, I maintain that
those quotes are enough, that not even reading the entirety of the
text would answer the lingering questions. Is this book designed as
some sort of weird Christian propaganda? Even skimming it turned up
far too much anal sex and too many golden showers to make that likely. And if
that's not the point, then who is the intended audience? It's
far too ignorant of metal and Satanism to appeal to many fans of
either, and far too lurid for the more moralistic of readers. Were
the clumsy metaphors just the product of a bad writer, or does the
author actually rip open cantaloupes? Who is the author? His or her
website features only a cover image of this book with no further
information. It's a thoroughly confounding work, one I'm glad I
purchased and perused but happier still that I didn't spend more than
about twenty minutes skimming and summing up.
(What I imagine the author thinks metal sounds like)
Also,
if anybody wishes to read this modern masterpiece, I'll mail it to
you for the cost of postage (and considering that there's one on
Amazon for $131.65 right now, this may be the deal of a lifetime.)
I am going to put it out there and say that it was pretty sweet seeing the level of response to the previous bad artwork post. Then the remedial prison, rehabilitation art ball rolled into the MS Paint album covers post, which we all agree was beyond awesome. To quote the head honcho, " we have the best goddamn motherfucking readers on the entire Internet, you guys rule."
On that slushy note, here is another selection of some of my favourite "bad art" album covers. Once again. Despite a complete lack of art skill and in some cases complete lack of human anatomy, I do hold a certain level of respect for these awesome images.
Pretty obvious what these guys think about all the time isn't it? I can wager it isn't being in a band.
God bless the Scorpions for consistently proving themselves to be guitar wielding numb skulls of the highest order. I have a slight bit of respect for the German chumps over the fact that when it comes to making some sort of statement, The Scorpions are always going to express it at a unbelievably low level of both class and awareness. With Animal Magnetism they surpassed themselves and wouldn't manage to beat it until 1996 when they hit us with this guy.....
See what I mean, deep stuff.
Future barbarian, biker, outlaw judge? Who knows but Battle Axe. They charged into the art the same way they approach they're sweet metal jams. With more enthusiasm than skill.
I really dig this one. Its just an awesome image. Plain and simple. Of course maybe the artist wasn't exactly up to the job but I am letting it slide.
It was mentioned last time so here it is. I never thought I would say this but Metal Magic really was a step up for these guys after Projects In The Jungle.
Karisma with a "K". Pretty sure that's a rabid walrus either escaping from some kind of imprisonment or just hanging out. Awesome.
Yes, that is a skull faced nudist raising a severed penis above its head atop a volcano. Thanks for noticing.
Everyones favourite NWOBHM never was's prove that you shouldn't fear evil. Fear death and badly drawn skulls instead.
Some evil, Christ baiting black metal? No? Oh sorry my mistake. You look like your having far to much fun at camp to be actual black metallers. She most certainly is having far to much fun streaking for Satan.
You shouldn't really expect too much when diving into the putrid trough of goregrind/pornogrind nonsense, its meant to be offensive. But this certainly plumbs some stinky depths.
Another one mentioned last time and its a cracker. Really what can you say about this?
Once again, Any of you guys want to throw some more into the ring? We are open to suggestions for any you can think of to top these.
Guess who's coming to dinner on Episode 34 of IllCon Radio tonight?
You guessed it: Tommy Blacha (right), co-creator of everyone's favorite TV show Metalocalypse and voice of everyone's favorite quasi-retarded alcoholic bass player William Murderface.
That's right: Worlds are colliding, faces are melting, and everything you once thought you knew will be proven false. Please go to FCCFreeRadio.com Studio 1A at 10pm to join in the fun, and feel free to drop us a line at 415-829-2980 to join in the quasi-retarded alcoholic fun. Don't forget to subscribe on iTunes as well.
Coming soon: Kubrick conspiracies blown wide open, Apocryphon tour dates, cryptozoological breakthroughs in space, and probably several more fan-art-related posts. Stay tuned.
Also, I'm on the new episode of Pool Party Radio. Check that out, too, and don't forget to subscribe to their podcast as well. They're OK dudes.
Since I don't have the time to supply you all with anything else worthwhile or thought-provoking at the moment, instead let's just take a moment to enjoy the trailer for Antfarm Dickhole:
IllCon Radio will not air this evening, as myself and Cory will be attending Gwar/Municipal Waste/Ghoul at The Regency in SF this evening. Expect a full report from the deep nether-regions in the near future, detailing our soon-to-be-legendary adventures backstage with Oderus and the gang (full interviews with O.U. and The Waste coming up on next week's show).
Man, DoomUnicorn has been breaching all kinds of etiquette lately. Not only did he come out of nowhere with this whole "IllCon East vs. IllCon West" feud (see last post), but he added insult to injury by posting pornogrind on a Monday, which we all know is verboten. Not only that, but the guy spelled "cryptosporidium" wrong multiple times in said post--I mean, who spells "cryptosporidium" incorrectly? Rookie moves, man. Rookie moves.
Anyhow, West Coast Envy notwithstanding, we now return you to your scheduled program: Monday Morning Science Corner, the CORRECT, educated, West Coast version of Monday mornings at ICHQ. Today's subject is the "corpse flower" AKA "carrion flower", a topic recommended by These A Beast--who I thank graciously, and forgive for living on the wretched East Coast of these United States.
Wikipedia: The titan arum or Amorphophallus titanum (from Ancient Greek amorphos, "without form, misshapen" + phallos, "phallus", and titan, "giant" = "Giant Misshapen Penis") is a flowering plant with the largest unbranched inflorescence in the world. The titan arum's inflorescence is not as large as that of the Talipot palm, Corypha umbraculifera, but the inflorescence of the Talipot palm is branched rather than unbranched. Due to its odor, which is reminiscent of the smell of a decomposing mammal, the titan arum is characterized as a carrion flower, and is also known as the "corpse flower", or "corpse plant" (Indonesian: bunga bangkai – bunga means flower, while bangkai means corpse or cadaver). For the same reason, the title "corpse flower" is also attributed to the genus Rafflesia which, like the titan arum, grows in the rainforests of Sumatra.
Sumatra is also known for its vicious Rat Monkeys
The titan arum's inflorescence can reach over 3 metres (10 ft) in height. Like the related cuckoo pint and calla lily, it consists of a fragrant spadix of flowers wrapped by a spathe, which looks like a large petal. In the case of the titan arum, the spathe is green on the outside and dark burgundy red on the inside, and deeply furrowed. The spadix is hollow and resembles a large loaf of French bread. The upper, visible portion of the spadix is covered in pollen, while its lower extremity is spangled with bright red-orange carpels. The "fragrance" of the titan arum resembles rotting meat, attracting carrion-eating beetles and Flesh Flies (family Sarcophagidae) that pollinate it. The inflorescence's deep red color and texture contribute to the illusion that the spathe is a piece of meat. During bloom, the tip of the spadix is approximately human body temperature, which helps the perfume volatilize; this heat is also believed to assist in the illusion that attracts carcass-eating insects. After the flower dies back, a single leaf, which reaches the size of a small tree, grows from the underground corm. The leaf grows on a semi-green stalk that branches into three sections at the top, each containing many leaflets. The leaf structure can reach up to 6 metres (20 ft) tall and 5 metres (16 ft) across. Each year, the old leaf dies and a new one grows in its place. When the corm has stored enough energy, it becomes dormant for about 4 months. Then, the process repeats. The corm is the largest known, weighing around 50 kilograms (110 lb). When a specimen at the Princess of Wales Conservatory, Kew Gardens, was repotted after its dormant period, the weight was recorded as 91 kilograms (200 lb).
Above: Visual approximation of Amorphophallus titanum's bloom odor
Left: related "corpse flower" species Rafflesia.
So let's see here: Amorphophallus titanum is a flower that a) comes from the very-metal location of Sumatra, b) grows to as much as 20 feet tall and 16 feet wide, c) blooms only after 7-15 years of life, d) has a Latin name that means "giant, misshapen dick", and e) mimics the smell (and appearance, and temperature) of rotting flesh to attract insects. Holy fuck. That is Very Metal.
For a fucking flower, I mean.
Titan arum blooming in time lapse:
And lastly, David Attenborough breaks it down:
PS: Speaking of shit that stinks, Episode 16 of IllCon Radio is now up for download and streaming HERE. Learn about the deep UFOlogy behind Blink 182, Alan Moore’s masturbation sorcery, and the soon-to-be-released Grateful Dead MMORPG!
Lots of really cool stuff is coming up on the show in January as well, including an in-depth study of the conspiracy theories connected to Kubrick's The Shining (hint: it's a palindrome), an interview with Peaches Christ, an entire episode about Disney's ties to mind control, Illuminati symbolism, and Satan, and the return of the almighty Freeman. Turn on, tune in, and HESH OUT!
Dang, Sunday night already? That means work for most of us IllCon slobs except for Cobras who lives exclusively off Apocryphon royalties, and school for a not-insignificant segment of the IllCon workforce. Lucky for you, I've culled a trifecta of newish death metal newish releases to kick off your week. The first, The Virally Enthroned's Catharsis, a pitch perfect tech-death effort crafted by your five younger cousins apparently, if their metal-archives photo is any indication. I mean yeah, they may need some image work but I'm a little surprised there isn't more chatter about this band. I guess I shouldn't make fun too hard because this band photo could probably double as a snap of an IllCon staff meeting.
The second, a tardcore slamfest by a Belgian band who decided to call itself Putrified J; I love any band whose name looks like a typo. Putrified J is not to be confused with Putrified, whose debut LP, Spawn of the Dead, just dropped recently and just so happens to shred (evidence to follow). Putrified J has been making the rounds lately on some of those other metal blogs you read, and for good reason. Not only are they giving their album away for free - total bro move - but their low-threshold brutal slamz are just the thing you need to ease into this week and the holiday season that is well nigh near. 12 tracks in under 20 minutes makes this the perfect substitute for your Quiet Storm: Slow Jams tape when it goes missing. Putrified J get bonus points for proclaiming on Facebook that THIS SHIT WONT EVER STOP AND U CANNOT MAKE US!
Yep, it's pretty generic (albeit high-quality) goregrind, and yeah, there's a bunch of corny/funny/stupid/grotesque movie samples, and sure, most of 37 songs here are only a minute or so long, and indeed, there is a zombie holding a cat on the front cover, and yes, this compilation bears the unfortunately mundane title Rad Jackson, and of course, song titles like "Buried Under A Pile Of Zombie Dung", "Demented Surgical Incest", "Licking Mental Patients Cum Off The Sheets", "Tasty Hemorrhoidal Tissue", and "Bathing In Mucus And Bile" are present, and yeah, maybe they do a Napalm Death cover or two, but lighten up, bro. I guarantee you've seen stupider things on this blog before. Anyway, like other champions of low-brow stupidity Nunslaughter and Embalmer (anyone else remember the "Necro-Filing Cabinet"?), Hemdale came from good old Cleveland, Ohio, and released only a string of splits and ill-fated demos during the years of their "actual" existence, 1993 to 1998. Relapse scooped them up posthumously and put together the incomplete discography known as Rad Jackson in '02, as well as signing a bunch of bands from drummer Craig Rowe's label Visceral Productions when that enterprise tanked as well (Nile and Exhumed were alumni under the Visceral banner). But enough Death Metal History 101. If you're in the mood for some really fucking dumb semi-comedic splattergrind, maybe Hemdale is just the band to kill off a couple brain cells today. Man, WTF is wrong with Cleveland anyway?
Posts
