Cruisin'

Hey y'all I need your help. I'm looking to get mad laid in 2013 as my 2012 has been drier than the drum production on Danzig I. I've been training with the best Pick Up Artists in the nation, working on my extreme negging and peacocking skills. I think the perfect setting to try out my newfound talents is one of these rock n' roll cruises that all the bands are doing. Problem is I just can't figure out which one to go to! Here are just a small sampling of the band-themed cruises coming up. HELP ME PICK WHICH ONE TO GO ON!

The Kiss Kruise II seems somewhat appealing. Ladies love those big ol' Jews in clown makeup and Tommy Thayer is my favorite Ace Frehley, but in my experience it's mostly just old dads that love KISS. Also playing: Skid Row, Comedian Graham Elwood.

Lynyrd Skynrd's Simple Man Cruise I predict there is going to be some primo Southern bar hag strange to bang on this boat. According to the website, this is their 6th go-round! Some of the events scheduled include: Q&A With the band, BELLY FLOP CONTEST, Southern Rock karaoke and a tattoo social! Also playing: Doobie Brothers, Comedian Graham Elwood

311 Caribbean Cruise 2013 is like a homerun as far as hooking up with some sick ass heinas. 311 has THE HOTTEST fans and maybe, just maybe I'll get to smoke some trees with P-Nut! It's too early to list the 311 Theme Nights and other acts but I'm just going to go ahead and assume that Comedian Graham Elwood will be appearing.

The Weezer Cruise Ahh shit. This one isn't happening in 2013 :( By the looks of the lineup it looks like it was basically "The Dudes in Dinosaur Jr Cruise featuring Weezer" though. Also playing: Comedian Graham Elwood.

Mayercraft Carrier 2 Ok this has to be just one big sex boat. Everyone knows John Mayer is the biggest pimp in all of the world. I'm just worried he'll steal all the chicks for himself? Also playing: Comedian Graham Elwood.

Yes' Cruise To The Edge YES! This is going to be the #1 get together for prog cougs in 2013! I duno wtf is going on with Yes right now btw. They kicked out Jon Anderson and have a tribute band guy singing and the dude from The Buggles is playing keys. Sheesh. Still this cruise should be pretty sweet and I'm def going to hit it up. BTW my PUA name is Skeevin. If you see me on the boat say whut up. CRUISE TO THE EDGE DOWN BY THE RIVERRRRRR!

Rock Legends II There's some pretty sweet fuckin' bands playing this cruise, but there's too many of them and you just know they are going to steal all the single ladies from us civilian plebs. I REALLY don't need to compete with the current Blue Oyster Cult drummer just to get laid at sea. And I can't really concentrate on my game while Big Jim Dandy of Black Oak Arkansas is sashaying around in his sexy white spandex. Fuck this.

Might as well just call this one POSER CRUISE 2013.

Apparently there are THREE competing metal cruises that have caused some controversy in the sacred internet metal nerd scene. More on those later...

KARP - Demo 1993

KARP is the best.

Karp are universally hailed as the great lost hope of metal. Those that were lucky enough to see them live had our faces melted off our asses kicked. I'm not going to go into too much about this great band from Washington because we all know almost everything about these bros (Cobras wrote about them here). Jared is in Big Business now, who are also in Melvins. Sheesh.



Karp released 3 full lengths and a crapload of singles and eps in their short (8 year) career. There is a recent documentary about them that you should check out.

Last year this amazing demo suddenly appeared from 1993. It was released on cassette shortly before their first album was released. It rules. Get it here. 

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? The Music of NFL Films!

OHHHHH YEAH IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON, Y'ALL. GRAB SOME COLD CANS AND CRUSH EM' DOWN YOUR FUCKIN' THROAT. ARE YOU READY TO WATCH THE BOYS THROW SOME PIGSKIN?

Here at IllCon we aren't really into the "sports" world even though senior editor Shelby Cobras is commonly seen around the office wearing various metal branded basketball shorts.

The metal world has long been connected to the gridiron. The Oakland Raiders famously use AC/DC's "Hells Bells" when entering the field. The Kansas City Chiefs like to come out to Motley Crue's "Kickstart My Heart." As obscure as those songs are, my very favorite football themed song comes from the late Layne Staley's pre-Alice In Chains project aptly titled "Alice N' Chains" (formerly Sleeze). Their love letter to the game is one of the best slap-bass GnR ripoff songs of all time. Check out these lyrics:

(Yup. This is a real thing.)

Something that we ARE actively interested in are hard-to-find soundtracks. That's why I was stoked to come across this amazing gem of a collection - Autumn Thunder: 40 years of NFL Films Music. A 10 disc compilation highlighting the kick ass compositions that accompanied the overly dramatic and amazingly photographed NFL Films productions of the 1970s. This shit fucking rules. I couldn't find the whole thing and I doubt that any IllCon reader would download everything anyway. Here now are discs 5-9. It's PLENTY to hold you over until someone gets you the whole set for Hanukkah. Most of the set highlights the work of Sam Spence. Spence was a former music professor at USC, who while in Munich in 1966, was asked to score some highlight reels for the NFL. His work has since become iconic and his music just as much as part of American culture as the game itself. According to his wiki: "...he can arguably be credited with a significant role in making American football the top professional sport in the U.S." No lie. This dude rules. Also featured here are the songs of David Robidoux, Tom Hedden and William Soden.

Disc 5. Disc 6. Disc 7. Disc 8. Disc 9.

BUY THE WHOLE AMAZING 10 DISC SET HERE

BTW we like the Redskins here because they are the most racist team.

The IllCon Guide To Corporate Instructional Rap Videos!

I've recently become obsessed with the now extinct genre of instructional rap videos from the 80s. I've been playing most of my findings on our podcast (which is live TONIGHT @ 10pm Pacific on FCCFREERADIO btw). The perfect combination of coked out CEOs making bad decisions and Reagan era crypto-racism (HEY OUR EMPLOYEES ARE POOR "URBAN" KIDS! LET'S SPEAK TO THEM ON THEIR LEVEL!). Here now I present to you my very favorites.

5. RTD Maintenance Department

Great example of "the man" trying to get on "our level" and speak "our language" through the power of "the music of the streets." I know if I was an employee of the Los Angeles' Rapid Transit Department in the 80s I would be nothing less than inspired to wake each morning and proudly crank on those buses after watching this inspiring video. Score: 6.8

4. Selling is Service



Nope. Nothing weird or awkward about these white people rapping here. Great work guys, let's put it out. 5.4

3. Pier One Imports LET'S COACHING



The most modern out of all our videos presented today. Detailing the process known as "Let's Coaching" from the geniuses ar Pier One Imports. "Let's Coaching" (Let's engage the customers! Let's make a sale!) is kind of perfect in the way it illustrates everything wrong with corporate upper management bullshit language. The awkward terminology, the emotional exploitation of their customers, the straight up lying they teach to their poor clerks. It's all there. 9.7

2. Wendy's COLD DRINKS

Wendy's are the KINGS (queens?) of instructional rap videos as you will soon see.
I'm not even going to lie. This song is fucking tight. Based around an 8 measure New Jack Swing loop Teddy Riley himself would be proud of. Reminiscent of TLC's earlier work or later DeeDee Ramone, this heartfelt lesson on how to serve cold drinks is sure to give any Wendy's employee the gusto needed to make the customer happy! Score: 8.5

1.  Wendy's Burger Rap

The classic track that made a generation learn how to love again. Not patronizing at all, this lesson on how to make a fuckin' burger has gone down in history as the premiere instructional rap video. These hamburger ladies are literal throbbing gristle. Singing gristle even! Also: doesn't feature any embarrassing white people rapping. Score: 10.0

Very Very Very Honorable Mention goes to this very incredible track released by KFC in 1987 credited to "Colonel and the Gang" on flexidisc (yes!) teaches the importance of making Chicken Littles and Shoestring fries properly, complete with references to "golden showers." If there was a video it would be number 1.

Listen to the most magical song about chicken ever recorded here.

Chicken littles are back btw. They are snackalicious. 

Mort Garson - Plantasia 1976

You guys listen to too much techy slam death grind metal. And then to chill out you dorks put on like Sunno or Neurosers or some shit like that!? IDGI YOU GUYS NEED TO CHILL HARDER

Typical IC reader NOT BEING CHILL

ME IRL BEING CHILL

Canadian Moog lord Mort Garson, famous for his EEEVIL OCCULT SYNTH albums BLACK MASS LUCIFER and ATARAXIA: THE UNEXPLAINED, was covered on IllCon before by long lost contributor Seanford here.

But there was another side to the Moog monster, a tender side. After all he was an accomplished composer working with such old dork approved acts as Doris Day, Glen Campbell and Mel Torme. So it is no surprise that he released this super chillllll album... with a bit of a twist. It's not for human consumption... it's music for plants.

That's right! Garson's 1976 release Mother Earth's Plantasia was made just for to our plant-based pals. Every track dedicated to a different green buddy. This is one of my favorite records of all time. Maybe I'm a plant.

Another lol thing: This album was only available through a promotion at Simmons Mattress stores in Southern California. Buy a mattress, get a Moog album for plants! How can you go wrong?!

Hi dere I'm a dork uncle that makes Satanic occult synth records pls download my album for plants lol.

PURPLE SABBATH - The Black Sabbath Born Again Demos 1983

I think it's weird that everyone is talking about Sabbath reforming sans Bill Ward. Who the heck cares in 2012? Ozzy is a ghost of his former self, they play exactly zero deep cuts. Who get excited for this shit? Internet metal nerds? Dad? I don't know.

Let's take it back and look at what was up with Sabbath in 1983. Singer Ronnie James Dio just left the band along with then-drummer Vinnie Appice to start their own band Dio. The story goes: he had an epic battle with Iommi about the mixing of Live Evil (lol divas). Original Sabbath drummer Bill Ward was coaxed back in and the new singer was none other than the legendary Ian Gillan of Deep Purple fame. 

The result? Well thats up for debate. To me Born Again is up there with Vol 4. and Masters as one of their heaviest records. I love Ian Gillan's voice. Love it. Jesus Christ Superstar is one of my favorite rock records ever (Gillan plays Jesus, n00bs) and (in my opinion) his vocals worked perfectly with Iommi's evil riffage. The album was not received well by the public and generally trashed by the music press. I think thats weird. It totally rules. WTF, people?  

Ian said he never fit in with the band and he hated the album cover. I once read he smashed a whole box of records in his home because he was so disgusted. Also I guess this version of Sabbath inspired the 'Stonehenge' scene in This Is Spinal Tap. Check out this awesome story:

The album was apparently the victim of a terrible mix that had something to do with humidity + master tapes. Thats why what I'm posting here is so important. This is the unmixed, unmastered demos for the album (+ 1 song) that somehow surfaced in 2004 and it's fucking rad. This album has never received an official release on CD which is weird but fuck it. These demos are better anyway. One of my faves.

Download this now. 

Further Down the Rabbit Hole of SHIT: Counting Crows Fan Art

So hey. The death of music blogs is upon us. It's inevitable that Illogical Contraption will get shut down eventually by the evil record companies. In light of these recent Nazi-esque crackdowns we decided to become a full time fan art blog. Enjoy!

Public Enemy - Muse Sick-n-Hour Mess Age (1994)

Muse Sick-n-Hour Mess Age was released in 1994. This was a post "The Chronic" world and rap glorifying drug use and violence was already the status quo for a couple years. PE was considered "old" and "corny" by most fans of the genre and the bad reviews started flowing in before the album even came out. The decline of PE in the eyes of the record buying public happened so fast. The switch from party rap and political hip hop dominating the charts to the overwhelming rise and popularity of so called "gangsta rap" happened in the blink of an eye. It's almost as if the prison industrial complex and high level music executives had a secret meeting to  calculate the gangsta rap trend, fill up prisons and make a quick buck!  That's crazy though. That would never happen in our pure white America!

Here's the facts ("facts" being used loosely):

• People slept on this album when it came out which caused it to not have much of a legacy.
• People are fucking stupid and this album is THE BEST, ANGRIEST, most listenable Public Enemy album. (Challop)
• It's heavy as fuck.
• Chuck D's "message" is still as relevant today as it was in 1994 if not more so. His delivery is straight up fierce on this album. 
• This is Flavor Flav's best work! (Challop)
• This is the most GROWN up PE record, as they grew out of their sexism and gay-baiting lyrics of the previous releases. They learned from their mistakes and made better music.

Seriously, and I know I will get shit for this, I enjoy later-period PE more than the early shit. The Bomb Squad's "throw everything at the wall" style of production just has not aged well. See also Ice Cube's AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted. 

Bottom line: don't be like the great unwashed masses and sleep on this album. The songs are awesome, the music is powerful, heavy, funky and FUNNY. It's their masterpiece as far as I'm concerned. PE still had it in '94 no matter what the music press wants you to believe. Also check out that beautiful cover!

Download it!

Buy it!

The 6 Shittiest Little Brother Bands Of All Time

Being the little brother of an established rock star is a mixed blessing. Sure you can get more hype for your crap band but you will forever be in the shadow of the dickhead that kicked your ass when you were little. Here at Ill Con Labs we have been doing extensive research on the phenomena of little brother bands and we have come to this conclusion: THEY ARE ALL SHITTY.

Deep inside Ill Con LABS

Through many years of studying we can now bring you the definitive list of THE TOP SIX SHITTY LITTLE BROTHER BANDS EVER (after the jump)!

Doritos FUCK GOD 2K12

Isopods mackin on nacho flave is an internet CLASSIQUE!!!!

Why are Doritos so good? I don't know.

Most fat internet metal nerds like to eat Doritos and drink Mountain Dew but not us. Nope. At IllCon HQ "Mountain Don't" (lol) is a strict forbidden no no cuz it makes us fat and ruins our teeth. But Doritos are different because they are special.

Our favorites here at the HQ were Doritos Late Night: Tacos @ Midnight. These have been discontinued and we are really sad :(

They have a new kind of Doritos called DORITOS JACKED. Like pumped up crazy strong Doritos, bro.

Let's talk about what The Doritos Company is doing to make their chips appeal to younger eaters.

South By South West is a special musical festival created by Texas Instruments (inventors of the Speak and Spell) where brogrammers and fans of buzz bands alike get together to make killer apps while watching indie music bands. Doritos made a stage there for their new JACKED line of chips. It looks like a vending machine. Much like the one found in the Illcon HQ office.

This funnie little guy played on the stage with a hip brogrammer band called "White Denim" and he says they are "energy chips."

Taco Bell is also dipping their wick into the Dorito game with their Locos Tacos.

Please tell us your Locos Tacos story in the comments section of this blog post.

This is us eating Locos Tacos looking hella fucking hard before our podcast.

Do you remember the Dorito mystery flavor conspiracy?

Here is my favorite weird ass Dorito bag:

Lol Wut? I'll have foot in balls flavor please.

Can someone tell me what these Latino metal Dorito bros are talking about? I don't understand Mexican lol.

The Magical World Of Anthony Kiedis Fan Art

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed -Anthony Keidis

Van Der Graaf - Vital (1978)

What the fuck is the matter with people? One of the best bands of the prog era make one of the heaviest live albums ever and the critics at the time completely shit on it so it remains in obscurity forever. Stupid! Let us not forget that these are the same critics that were telling us how worthless Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin were all the while touting the genius of The J. Geils Band and Toto. Fucking puke.

Van Der Graaf Generator were difficult to most listeners. They are not "tight" in the way King Crimson or Genesis are known for. They were way more punk and experimental in their approach to "progressive" music of the time. Jazz influenced in theory only, not in the academic way, say, Henry Cow or Gentle Giant were. There are no frolicking elves and faeries in Van Der Graaf music. This is why they rock a thousand times more than their peers.

Vital is the only official live album of the 70s released by the mighty Van Der Graaf (they dropped the Generator by this time) and it is a fucking ripper. Not ripping in the sense of Thin Lizzy - Live and Dangerous per se, but more in the way of Sleep's Holy Mountain or something. Singer/main songwriter/keyboardist Peter Hammill is brilliant at making music that's both beautiful and horrific at once and he honed that skill perfectly within the group of insanely talented musicians in VDGG. This release highlights my favorite aspects of their music. The contrast between Hammill's angelic and demonic vocals, disgustingly distorted thumping bass, intense drumming and David Jackson's sax. Yes sax. Don't be scurred. It works.

This is prog at it's best. It's absolutely madness. Play loud.

download here


Evil