A Crash Course In Second-Tier 80's Cartoons Fueled By Equal Parts Nostalgia And NyQuil

Oops. It appears I've fallen down another rabbit hole. Hopefully, like me, you're sick as Hell and laid up on your couch, because this is going to take awhile. It started with me looking for a few old cartoons on YouTube. Hours later, eyeballs dry and carpal tunnel setting in, I realized it would be a criminal act if I didn't share.
I honestly couldn't keep this list any shorter than 20 shows, running the entire gamut of my cartoon-watching career. You can get most of these on DVD now, which I highly recommend doing if you're a cynical old codger like me. All of these shows are still better than just about anything you can find on television these days, what a shame that the majority of them ran for only one season or less...
Oh well, kick back and enjoy a healthy dose of nostalgia with 'ol Uncle Cobras, and, as always, feel free to add your own favorites in the comments section...


ULYSSES 31 (1981-82)



"The plot line of the series, (made by the French Jean Chalopin), describes the struggles of Ulysses and his crew against the divine entities that rule the universe, the ancient gods from Greek mythology. The Gods of Olympus are angered when Ulysses, commander of the giant spaceship, Odyssey, kills the giant Cyclops to save a group of enslaved children, including his son. Zeus sentences Ulysses to travel the universe with his crew frozen until he finds the Kingdom of Hades, at which point his crew will be revived and he will be able to return to Earth. Along the way they encounter numerous other famous figures from Greek mythology given a futuristic twist."

I was a little too young for Saturday morning cartoons when Ulysses 31 first came out (only 2 or 3), but I remember thinking it was pretty badass when I discovered it at an older age. Probably one of the finest sci-fi interpretations of Greek mythology ever created outside of Dan Simmons' Ilium/Olympos...


DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (1983-85)



"The general premise of the show is that a group of children are pulled into the "Realm of Dungeons & Dragons" by taking a magical dark ride on an amusement park roller coaster. Invariably, the children try to return home, but often take detours to help people, or find that their fates are intertwined with the fate of others. Upon arriving in the Realm, the children are a little out of place, but the Dungeon Master, named for the referee in the role-playing game, assuming the role of their mentor, appears and gives them each clothing and magical paraphernalia to suit their abilities."

Some of my earliest cartoon-related memories are of this epic D&D tie-in, so old and foggy were my recollections that watching episodes recently nearly brought a tear to my eye. And how rad is it that the Yoda-esque wizard dude is literally named The Dungeon Master?


MIGHTY ORBOTS (1984)



"The 23rd Century, the future is a time of robots and aliens. The people of Earth have banded together along with several other peaceful alien races to promote peace throughout the galaxy, forming the United Planets. As part of the United Planets, the Galactic Patrol — a body of law-enforcers — works to maintain order, under the leadership of Commander Rondu. However, a powerful criminal organization called SHADOW is out to destroy both the Galactic Patrol and the U.P. Led by Umbra, a massive cyborg-computer, SHADOW employs sinister agents and incredible schemes to attack and someday rule over all corners of the known-galaxy. There is one thing that helps to fight against SHADOW: ingenious inventor Rob Simmons — secretly a member of the Galactic Patrol — creates six special robots who can use their unique powers to battle against the forces of Umbra. Together, these robots can unite to form a giant robot called Mighty Orbot, to fight for truth, justice and peace for all."

Pretty much just a Voltron rip-off, but still pretty spectacular in its own right...


POLE POSITION (1984)



"The show featured three young sibling crime fighters, two of whom were stunt drivers and part of a secret government operation under the guise of the "Pole Position Stunt Show" that was run by their uncle. The youths inherited the role after their parents died in an unfortunate car accident. The team is equipped with two high-tech talking vehicles named "Roadie" and "Wheels". The vehicles featured numerous hidden gadgets like water skis and hover jets. The vehicles' computers themselves are portable and can be removed from the dashboards and carried around using handles (thus they are often referred to as "the modules"). They are characters that appeared as computer-drawn faces displayed on video screens."

Again, many early cartoon memories swirl around this show as well, vivid scenes of Saturday mornings armed with naught but pajamas and a bowl of Cheerios...


JAYCE And The Wheeled Warriors (1985, syndicated 1989-91)



"The show featured two duelling forces. The "good guys" are humans, called the Lightning League. They drive white and silver vehicles with assorted weaponry, and are led by Jayce. The "bad guys" are organic green vegetable-based creatures called the Monster Minds, who tend to take the shape of black and green vehicles. They travel via large green organic vines which can grow in and across interstellar space, and sprout seeds that rapidly grow into further Monster Minds. They are led by Saw Boss."

This show just plain rules, always has and always will. The vehicles were awesome, the villains were awesome, the toy line was fucking kick-ass. How long until we see a Hollywood Jayce "re-imagining", you think?


GALTAR And The Golden Lance (1985)



"The series is about the mythical adventures of three companions: Galtar, Princess Goleeta, and her younger mind controlling brother, Zorn. Galtar, with the help of his Golden Lance, is fighting with Tormack, the tyrannical usurper of the kingdom of Bandisar who is conquering their entire world. Tormack is responsible for the death of both Galtar's parents and assassinating the rest of Goleeta and Zorn's family. Tormack, among others like him, covets the power of Galtar's supernatural weapon, the Golden Lance, in order to combine it with the stolen ancient and indestructible Sacred Shield, which rightfully belongs to Goleeta and Zorn. For whoever holds both cannot be brought down in any form of combat. Also aiding Galtar and his friends are his loyal horse, Thork and the powerful red dragon known as Raven's Claw. Further hindrances (plus comic relief) to this trio comes from inept father and son mercenaries Rak & Tuk, who have a history of double crossing others at every turn, claiming that it is the only work they know."

Kind of a weird and obscure one, Galtar bit He-Man pretty hard, but the plain and honest truth is that this show was better drawn and had way cooler story lines. And no Orko.


M.A.S.K. (1985-86)



"A total of 75 syndicated episodes of 'M.A.S.K.' were broadcast from 1985 to 1986. One of many cartoons produced during the 1980s as a vehicle for toy merchandising, 'M.A.S.K.' (which is an acronym for the Mobile Armored Strike Kommand), was a hybrid of popular era cartoons 'G.I. Joe' and 'The Transformers'. It featured a special task force featuring an array of characters, led by Matt Trakker, with transforming vehicles engaged in an ongoing battle against the criminal organization V.E.N.O.M. (an acronym for the Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem), with an emphasis on super-powered helmets called masks worn by the characters on the show."

All about the toy line and comic book on this one. Sure, the cartoon was pretty great too, but the little tools, helmets, and weapons that the action figures came with? Forget about it.


CHUCK NORRIS: Karate Kommandos (1986)

(Seriously, try to count how many times the announcer says "Chuck Norris" in this intro.)



"This fictionalized version of Norris is a United States government operative with a team of "radically diverse" warriors known as the Karate Kommandos. Together, they fight against the organization VULTURE led by The Claw and his right-hand man Super Ninja."

As far as I'm concerned, this was the high point of Mr. Norris' career. Well, this and Sidekicks , with Jonathan Brandis.


GALAXY HIGH (1986)



"Two earth teenagers who are accepted into the interstellar high school, Galaxy High School on the asteroid Flutor. The teenage boy, Doyle, was a skilled athlete and popular, while the teenage girl Aimee was shy and as the theme song states, "the smartest girl in school, not very popular, not very cool." But once in space their roles are somewhat reversed. The alien teenagers seem to accept the not so popular Aimee, while Doyle tends to rub the aliens the wrong way. Although Doyle finds himself an outcast and having difficulties adjusting, Aimee does not abandon him, and suggests he can make friends and bring glory to Galaxy High through his excellent sporting abilities, which he does by winning a championship in "psych-hockey", which Galaxy High always lost. The show drops many hints of a budding romance between Doyle and Aimee but was never given time to grow due to the show not being renewed for a second season."

I had totally forgotten about this one for several years, but Galaxy High was actually pretty cool. More on the 'comedy' side than the 'action-adventure' fare I usually enjoyed, but enough sci-fi was thrown in that it remained relevant to my interests.


SilverHawks (1986)



"Bionic policeman Commander Stargazer recruited the SilverHawks, heroes who are "partly metal, partly real," to fight the evil Mon*Star, an escaped alien mob boss who transforms into an enormous armor-plated creature with the aid of Limbo’s Moonstar. Joining Mon*Star in his villainy is an intergalactic mob: the snakelike Yessman, the blade-armed Buzz-Saw, the "bull"-headed Mumbo-Jumbo, weather controller Windhammer, shapeshifter Mo-Lec-U-Lar, robotic card shark Pokerface, weapons-heavy Hardware, and "the musical madness of" Melodia (uses a "keytar" that fires musical notes)."

How this amazing series only ran one season I'll never understand, especially since it came from the same creators as the hugely successful ThunderCats. The action figures were excellent as well.


The Adventures of The GALAXY RANGERS (1986-89)



"The show is set in the future, some time after the year 2086, when two aliens from the planets Andor and Kirwin travel to Earth to search for allies against the expansionist Crown Empire led by the Queen of the Crown. In return for the help, the two aliens gave mankind construction plans for a hyperdrive device. After this key event in human history, interstellar travel flourished and a huge number of colonies emerged in distant star-systems. Alongside the growth of human activities in space, criminal activities also grew, and the new colonies required defense against various threats, including the Crown Empire. A group known as "BETA" (Bureau for Extra-Terrestrial Affairs) was founded to cope with these tasks, with a "Ranger" division being a part of it."

The "animated space western" always seemed like a woefully under-explored sub-subgenre, but the fact that this lesser-known series actually stuck it out for three whole seasons lends it a little credence. This was quite simply a really creative, awesome show.


VISIONARIES: Knights of The Magical Light (1987)



"Set on the planet Prysmos, the Visionaries consist of two groups of knights — the Spectral Knights and the Darkling Lords. They are both called to for a competition by the wizard Merklynn. After surviving traps, dangerous creatures, and each other, the survivors on both sides are rewarded. Everyone of them is given a different animal totem which appears on the front of their armor, which they can turn into. The animals are selected by Merklynn based on their personalities."

I had a bunch of the action figures, but if memory serves, the vehicles were where it's at. The show was good too, I still have several episodes tucked away on VHS somewhere...


SPIRAL ZONE (1987)



"On June 18, 2007 renegade military scientist Dr. James Bent uses a hijacked space shuttle to drop his deadly Zone Generators across half of the Earth, a region called the Spiral Zone (due to its shape). Millions of people are trapped in the dark mists of the Spiral Zone and transformed into Zoners with lifeless yellow eyes and strange red patches on their faces. Because they have no will to resist, Bent - now known as Overlord - makes them his slave army and controls them from the Chrysler Building in New York City...
... With major cities Zoned, the nations of the world put aside their own differences in order to fight off the Black Widows. However, only five soldiers using special suits to protect themselves from the Zone could do it. While easy to destroy, Zone Generators were impossible to capture because of booby traps. Overlord would drop more generators on remaining military and civilian centers and force the Zone Riders into a standoff."

Dude. Epic post-apocalyptic zombie warfare. This was a cartoon that would give you fucking nightmares. I actually wouldn't mind seeing a movie version of this one. Christopher Walken as Overlord?


BraveStarr (1987)



"BraveStarr is an American space Western animated television series. The original episodes aired from September 1987 to February 1988 in syndication. It was created simultaneously with a collection of action figures. BraveStarr was the last animated series produced by Filmation and Group W Productions that was broadcast. "Bravo!", a spin-off series (originally called "Quest of the Prairie People") was in production along with "Bugzburg" when the studio closed down...
... Like many of Filmation's TV series (including 'He-Man and the Masters of the Universe', 'She-Ra: Princess of Power', 'Shazam', 'The Secret of Isis', and the animated 'Ghostbusters'), a moral lesson is told at the end of each episode. One particularly notable episode is "The Price," in which a boy buys a drug called "spin," a hallucinogen similar to LSD, becomes addicted to it, and dies from an overdose."

I remember the toys for this show being really awesome as well, although I don't recollect ever owning any. That bipedal, anthropomorphic horse always freaked me out, though...


DINOSAUCERS (1987-88)



"The show follows the Dinosaucers and their battles against the evil Tyrannos. Each group is composed of intelligent anthropomorphic dinosaurs or other prehistoric reptilian species. The Dinosaucers are also allied with four humans known as the Secret Scouts. The two groups originally come from a planet in a counter-Earth orbit known as Reptilon. Most of the characters are named after the type of prehistoric animal they are based on, or some pun of the name."

Great show, but I never really got a handle on the name. DinoSAUCERS? Really?


DINO RIDERS (1988)



"The series focuses on the battle between the good Valorians and evil Rulons on prehistoric Earth. The Valorians were a super human race, whilst the Rulons were a mixture of humanoid creatures — both of which came from the future, however ended up transported back in time to the age of Dinosaurs. Once on Earth, the Valorians befriended dinosaurs whilst the Rulons brain-washed them."

Hands down, BEST ALSO-RAN 80'S CARTOON EVER. The concept alone sold me, but the episodes themselves live up to the hype. Mechanized warrior dinosaurs? Where do I sign up?


C.O.P.S. (1988-89)



"The year: 2020. The place: Empire City. The situation: Brandon “Big Boss” Babel (along with his gang of crooks) is holding the entire city under the palm of his iron hand and the Empire City Police Department can do nothing to stop him. As a last resort, Mayor Davis sends in Special Agent Baldwin P. Vess (Codename: Bulletproof) to take him down. However, Bulletproof suffered very serious injuries in a car wreck during a fight with Big Boss' criminal henchmen and had to be taken to the hospital, where he is given a cybernetic bullet-resistant torso to save his life as it would take years for his torso to recover."

Better than the other COPS and killer action figures to boot!


VYTOR: The Starfire Champion (1989)



"Armed with the magic shield Vytor, along with the beautiful Skyla and his friends, battle Myzor Sarcophogus for the Starfire Ring and try to recover the Saturn Orb."

Probably the most obscure cartoon on this list, Vytor was nonetheless amazing, and can be found on DVD in modern times. The video up there just captures such a sense of wonder, of all-encompassing nostalgia... Man, I miss you, Vytor.


CAPTAIN N: The Game Master (1989-91)



"At the outset of the first episode the hero of the series, Kevin Keene, a teenager from the Northridge, Los Angeles, California, and his dog, Duke, are taken to another universe known as Videoland when they are sucked into a vortex, called the Ultimate Warp Zone, that formed in his television. In order to fulfill an ancient prophecy Kevin is destined to become the hero "Captain N: The Game Master" and save Videoland from evil forces, led by Mother Brain from the floating world/fortress called Metroid. By the time Kevin arrives on the scene, Mother Brain has almost succeeded in capturing the Palace of Power and conquering all Videoland."

It was like playing Nintendo without the hassle of actually using your hand muscles! Or brain! Genius!


THE PIRATES OF DARK WATER (1991-93)

(No embeddable versions of the intro on YouTube, enjoy a "fan trailer" instead.)



"The Pirates of Dark Water is a fantasy animated series produced by Hanna-Barbera in 1991. The series followed a group of adventurers on a quest to collect the Thirteen Treasures of Rule, which possessed the combined power to stop an evil substance known as "Dark Water" from consuming the alien world of Mer."

By the time Pirates of Dark Water came out, I was just about grown out of my cartoon phase, moving on to other useless pursuits like girls and sports. But it was still an excellent show, a guilty pleasure for a young teenager unable to abandon his childhood outright. Plus, the female protagonist? BABE CENTRAL.

HELLA ENGORGED

PORTLAND SPLATTERTHRASH, Part 4

Not to be confused with Engorged Vaginal Abyss, Cerebral Engorgement, Guttural Engorgement, Engorge, Engorgement In Veins, or the Vomitous/Inhuman Dissiliency split album Supreme Engorgement of Exquisite Disembowelment, Portland's own not-at-all-generically named ENGORGED were something like godfathers to the PDX Goregrind/Splatterthrash scene, popularizing its basic tenets of gore, cheese, and fun all the way back in the mid-to-late-90's. Engorged's (say that out loud) penchant for 70's and 80's horror, along with their obvious fondness for G.I. Joe villains COBRA (see album cover, song titles, live photo), and Lovecraft (they list their lyrical themes as "Horror, Death, Lovecraft/Howard/Clark Ashton Smith") have made them perennial favorites here at ICHQ, and their live show is not to be missed. Members of this band have gone on to play in such previously-mentioned Portland grind units as Frightmare and Fall of The Bastards, so you know their black little hearts are in the right place. Enjoy their first two proper full-length albums, 1999's Death Metal Attack 2 and 2002's self-titled affair, as responsibly as possible.


DEATH METAL ATTACK 2 (1999) (Includes 1997 Death Metal Attack demo)

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

ENGORGED (2002)

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

(It must have taken him forever to get his hair to do that.)

Last.FM/Metallum

MOTION MAN - CLEARING THE FIELD (2002)

The Bay Area's answer to Kool Keith. Beats by Kutmasta Kurt, guest raps by Biz Markie, E-40, Keith, etc. Haters will say what haters must, but it will never change the fact that this is an excellent hip-hop album by a misunderstood genius. Peace in the Middle East.

Download HERE

Purchase HERE

Apparently, Motion Man also enjoys driving cars and drinking Red Bull. Check him out on Last.FM.

KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE

Sorry about the lack of posts lately, I've been fervently fellating The Man for the last week or so in a weariful attempt at fleeing the Continental 48. Please excuse me, things will be back to "normal" soon.

Anyways, these are kind of funny:













OLD MEMES RULE. FUCK OFF.


Also, a quote I read recently that filled me with vainglorious glee:

"Those of you unfamiliar with Illogical Contraption are in for a real treat, it is one of the most amazingly retarded geysers of intellectual circularity I have ever seen."

- Seth J.G. Goodkind, via LVA

Thanks Bro. And thanks to all the Bros out in the Contrap-Nation for keeping the faith.

JOHN CARPENTER AND ALAN HOWARTH - THEY LIVE SOUNDTRACK (1988)

I CAME HERE TO CHEW BUBBLEGUM AND KICK ASS...



... AND I'M ALL OUT OF BUBBLEGUM.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

(PS: Anyone else remember the Rowdy Roddy Piper G.I. Joe action figure?)



John Carpenter Website / Wiki / Last.FM

SCIENCE IS DUMB

Synthia: Grim harbinger of mankind's eventual enslavement at the hands of malevolent zombie clones.

From Telegraph UK: "Dr. Craig Venter, a multi-millionaire pioneer in genetics, and his team have managed to make a completely new "synthetic" life form from a mix of chemicals.
They manufactured a new chromosome from artificial DNA in a test tube, then transferred it into an empty cell and watched it multiply – the very definition of being alive. The man-made single cell "creature", which is a modified version of one of the simplest bacteria on earth, proves that the technology works. Dr Venter believes the organism, nicknamed Synthia, will pave the way for more complex creatures that can transform environmental waste into clean fuel, vaccinate against disease and soak up pollution."

Left: Dr. Venter's muse -- "one of the simplest bacteria on earth" -- the provocatively-named Mycoplasma genitalium.

Synthia (ie Mycoplasma laboratorium) represents a new era in which life originates not in the womb but in a petri dish. Bioethicists (is this actually a job title?) are already up in arms, claiming that Venter and his team are "playing God" and that their discovery signals the doom of humanity.
As encouraging as this suggestion is, I find it to be a tad alarmist. Not to disparage the decade of blood, sweat, and tears (not to mention $40 million) that Dr. Venter and his team put in to their creation, but to me, this whole story just doesn't carry the weight most media outlets are suggesting. "Craig Venter is God"? Not so much.
Allow me to present the official Illogical Contraption headline for this one:


LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, DR. CRAIG VENTER AND HIS TEAM HAVE DISCOVERED SEA MONKEYS.

Seriously, man. How did those fucking things work?

They were miraculous little bastards, if I remember correctly. You bought what was essentially a packet of sawdust for a buck or two, dumped it into a fishbowl, and next thing you know: BAM! Life where there previously was none! They even built castles and wore crowns and rode around on seahorses and shit (I think). Modern science can get fucked. And so can you, Dr. Venter. 10 years and 40 million dollars? Shit, I did the same thing when I was five years old for $1.50 and postage. Posers. Psh.

Above: Dr. Venter poses with two of his terrifying mutant abominations. The horror!

COLORING CONTEST RESULTS: Don't Worry, You're ALL Winners

Just kidding. Technically speaking, you all LOST.

For those of you completely out of the loop, we here at IC announced our Second Annual Coloring Contest last week, and reader response has been nothing short of IMMENSE. After sorting through literally hundreds of entries, our distinguished panel of judges narrowed it down to nine, which is still nine times as many entries as we received for the First Annual Coloring Contest. But we're losing our focus here.
The point is: you all LOST, except for the person who WON (the winning image will be published tomorrow). These are the eight runners-up, failures all, whose pathetic attempts at creativity deserve naught but our mockery and derision.

Thank you all for participating.


Our first runner up is Brother Mike M., who went above and beyond the call of duty with this little gem:

Pure ass-kickery, dude.

Next up is Illogical Bro John W., who turned in this colorful and mesmerizing ode to Discordian philosophy:

Labor intensive!
But that's not all. John W. actually submitted TWO entries, the second of which being the wonderful Kvlt Reagan shown below:

Speaking of Reagan in corpsepaint, IC reader and suspected Juggalette Eva T. sent in this disturbing depiction of Juggalo Reagan as well (my favorite part is the Durstian figure at the bottom right):

Rad.

Also of note is IllCon Bro Eric M.'s interpretation of Zombie Vampire Reagan (remember him?). I like to imagine that Mr. Reagan's rotting corpse is close to this color right about now. Yum.

Returning once again to show us how it's fucking done is motherfucking SMEG, who absolutely CRUSHED the competition in this very contest a year ago. We are all very pleased at his return, and stunned by his vision of Squidbilly Reagan:

WARNING: The next two entries are not very SFW!


But Smeg, being the perv that he is, refused to stop there. Here is his second contribution, a Cannibal Corpse/My Little Pony mashup entitled "Cannibal Pony":

Absolutely brutal. Probably the most grim and epic use of My Little Ponies since this or this or this or this or this. Kudos, Smeg. We hope to hear from you again next year.

Our last submission comes from within our very own staff here a IC. I had to disqualify him due to his proximity to higher management around here, but even so, this entry would have come in last anyway.
That's right, gang, our very own Erik Del Tigre took a break from his busy schedule of railing lines off of teenage Thai prostitutes (male) and listening to early 90's ska-punk to create an image straight from the depths of his own psyche. I warn you again: things are about to get even more GRIM...

You guys want to see what the inside of Del Tigre's head looks like? Yeah? OK. Here you go...

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go pour boiling water into my eyes.

Thanks again to everyone who participated. Remember, the #1 CHAMPION WINNER will be published tomorrow. So tune in for that.

MONDAY MORNING MOVIE MADNESS 21: ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS

We are all undoubtedly familiar with visionary director Stuart Gordon, the brilliant mind behind such classics as Re-Animator, From Beyond, Dagon, Castle Freak, Fortress, and Dolls. But somehow, the fact that he directed the 90's-defining masterpiece Robot Jox had slipped entirely off my radar. In fact, I had largely forgotten the movie itself until recently, which is surprising considering how hard it rocked my entire world upon its release. You see, I was 11 in 1990, and the whole premise of Robot Jox absolutely BLEW MY FUCKING MIND back then.
Now that I have become re-acquainted with this film, I must admit that my reaction isn't much different than it was back then.
Observe:



Holy. Fucking. Shit.

How had I managed to not even watch this one for a second time in almost 18 years?



Gordon basically followed a string of home runs with a grand fucking slam, a special effects extravaganza that is not only a feast for the eyes but also a cautionary tale, a morality lesson, and a marathon robot ass-kicking maelstrom.
Set in a post-apocalyptic future, Jox takes place in a society where war is obsolete and mankind is struggling to re-populate the planet. As a result, nations settle their disputes through the use of Robot Jox, men who control giant robots to battle each other in huge public arenas. The winner of each match (and the nation he represents) are the victor of each conflict, bypassing the need for war and the loss of valuable human life altogether.
The story basically follows the trials of Achilles and Alexander, two Robot Jox with a score to settle. Achilles is pretty much the "good guy", representing clean-cut, patriotic Americanism (although America doesn't specifically exist anymore -- we are known as the Western Market), while Alexander is the cartoonish representation of psuedo-Soviet Cold War xenophobia, sort of the Ivan Drago to Achilles' Rocky Balboa. Alexander killed Achilles' bro in an earlier robot battle (as we are informed in the opening scene), so revenge is the centerpiece of this magical film.

Highlights/spoilers:



But despite its ham-fisted approach to social commentary via giant robots kicking the shit out of each other (did I mention that Alexander's robot has a chainsaw weiner?), it's the little things that make Robot Jox a distinctly Gordon endeavor. For example, the repopulation-obsessed society of the film features "sexy" bikini models in billboard advertisements -- who also just happen to be pregnant. The shots are subtle, asserting themselves without hoopla or fanfare. Attention to detail is Gordon's game.
In another scene, Achilles' family members inform him that they will be eating "real meat" for dinner in celebration of his return home. When the "real meat" appears, it is in the form of a sole hot dog floating on top of a bubbling mass of brown gruel. Nice.
Robot Jox went from being an utter obsession to my simple 11-year-old mind in 1990 to being my own personal Sleeper Hit of 2009 in my 30-year-old mind. It rivals Starcrash. There, I said it.

Heresy? Perhaps. But Robot Jox is THAT GOOD.



But apparently not everyone agrees with me.
For one, where was the Robot Jox tie-in toy line? This movie seemed custom-made to move rad toys, so what happened? Where was Hasbro? Where was Kenner?
No Nintendo game? No Underoos?
Someone dropped the ball on Robot Jox, and despite a wonderful novelization (right), it was a potential film franchise left out in the cold. Another surefire, money-in-the-bank empire, forsaken by a foolish public. Captain Power, anyone?
All of which brings me to my next point, the confusing matter of the Robot Jox sequel.

Most people familiar with good-bad 80's/90's science fiction films think that the Robot Jox sequel was 1993's Robot Wars (left). And while this film, whose tagline was "First there was Robot Jox...", shared several members of the Jox production team (Full Moon's Charles and Albert Band, for example), this idea is a fallacy. Wars shared plot concepts and animation style with the superior Jox, but was not "officially" connected to the former film.
That honor belongs to a movie called Crash And Burn aka Robot Jox 2: Crash And Burn (below), hurriedly released in 1990 immediately following Part 1. It's a common misconception, one that I felt needed clarification here. But no one ever saw Robot Wars OR Crash And Burn, so why dwell on it?













Check out the beginning and an awesome fight scene from Robot Jox below. Then watch ALL the rest of it via YouTube playlist here.





Now that we're all super pumped on Robot Jox, why don't you all head over to The Manchester Morgue and download Frederic Talgorn's awesome soundtrack?
Side note: Is it just me, or does the Robot Jox theme bear a striking resemblance to that of Police Academy?
Well played, Mr. Talgorn.

OK. So you have the soundtrack and you've seen the whole thing on YouTube (resolution snobs can get it on Netflix here), why don't you head over to Amazon and BUY IT ALREADY???
It's only SIX BUCKS, for fuck's sake! Not much to ask for the greatest giant-robot-battle-Cold-War-sci-fi-post-apocalyptic-revenge-tale ever told (in 1990).

And I didn't even have to mention the cameo by
Jeffrey Combs.




"WE CAN LIVE!!!"

WE CAN BOTH LIVE!!!