MONDAY MORNING SCIENCE CORNER: Armillaria solidipes AKA The Most Metal Thing You've Ever Read

Wikipedia: Armillaria solidipes (formerly Armillaria ostoyae) is a species of fungus in the Physalacriaceae family. It is the most common variant in the western U.S., of the group of species that all used to share the name Armillaria mellea. Armillaria solidipes is quite common on both hardwood and conifer wood in forests west of the Cascade crest. The mycelium attacks the sapwood and is able to travel great distances under the bark or between trees in the form of black rhizomorphs ("shoestrings").

Here's where it gets heavy:

It is known to be one of the largest living organisms, where scientists have estimated a single specimen found in Malheur National Forest in Oregon to have been growing for some 2,400 years, covering 3.4 square miles. Armillaria solidipes grows and spreads primarily underground and the bulk of the organism lies in the ground, out of sight. Therefore, the organism is not visible to anyone viewing from the surface. It is only in the autumn when this organism will bloom “honey mushrooms”, visible evidence of the organism lying beneath. Low competition for land and nutrients have allowed this organism to grow so huge and become arguably the largest living organism.

3.4 SQUARE MILES.
That's 8.9 SQUARE KILOMETRES.
That's 2,200 ACRES.
That's 94,786,560 SQUARE FEET.



Biologists estimate the weight of the colony to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 600 tons. That's the equivalent weight of three pregnant, adult blue whales, the world's largest known mammal.

Is your brain okay?

Maybe you should cool down by watching this video--depicting an Armillaria mellea mycelium bioluminescence display in time-lapse (condensed from one week to 18 seconds)--on repeat for a little while:



Now go 'Like' Armillaria solidipes on Facebook! (I was the third person to do so, get in now before it's "cool"!)

Don't say we never give you nuthin'

Not content with finishing off my Eno series with style, verve, moxie, chutzpah and aplomb, I have also taken it upon myself to give you good good people a couple of small christmas gifts. Call it a token of our esteem from us here at the IllCon compound for it is, after all, the season of goodwill and so forth.




















I did sneakily foreshadow this post in my last one, mentioning, as I did,'writing bollocks about massively overlooked bands from New Zealand' and my enthusiasm for the TV cartoon 'Adventure Time WIth Finn & Jake', so that may well give you a clue as to at least some of the content herein.




















So, my first gift here- just a small one really - is an alternate version of the theme tune to 'Adventure Time'. I find the main theme to be the weakest thing about the show - far too indie and twee for my sensitive ears - so coming across this version that borders on Fancy Metal was pretty darned algebraic for me...



Now, I'm sure there'll be the usual naysayers out there slinging the 'H' word around and blah blah blah, but to those people I say 'SHUT THE FUCK UP'. You soulless cunts, you probably don't like the goddamn Muppets either, and I don't fucking trust people who don't like the goddamn Muppets.


















...aaaaaand relax.

My main present is something that I'm pretty damn sure isn't currently to be found anywhere else on t'internet. That's right people, we got us an EXCLUSIVE. First, though, I gotta ask, does the name 'Shihad' mean anything to anyone?




















If your answer is 'yes', then you probably already know just how damn good their first few records were and you may well already have a copy of the recording(s) that I'm about post.
However, if your answer is a no then I think you're in for a treat. Here's a wee taster to whet your whistle...



Pretty damn rockin' huh? Kinda 'Helmet-y' y'think? Hell, have another...



Yup. I dig 'em.

Both tracks come from 'Killjoy', Shihad's second LP, which was released back in 1995 and is one of my all-time favourite records.
Their debut EP 'Devolve' and their first LP, and first international release, 'Churn' (produced by Killing Joke's Jaz Coleman, fact fans!) were pretty decent, but 'Killjoy' is just a BEAST. Blessed with a rhythm section that pumps like the engine on an exceptionally fine ship-of-the-line and some right noisy guitars, 'Killjoy' totally rocks my world. Hell, those guitars that crash back in at 3.24 during 'Bitter' sound less like guitars and more like heavy steel cables lashing against one another. KILLER.

I was lucky enough to see them live on their European tour in support of 'Killjoy'- although not, alas, in their Faith No More support slot - and can wholeheartedly say that they were a fucking fantastic live band too.




















As I said earlier, I haven't been able to find this posted ANYWHERE else on the internet, so consider yourselves very lucky boys and girls. I've even added the two B-sides from the 'You Again' CD Single - one of which is a cover of Bowie's 'Boys Keep Swinging' - AND the two Shihad tracks from their 'Happy Families' Split CD with fellow Kiwi lunatics Head Like A Hole. These are all from my own personal, deeply cherished, CDs so you'd damn well better appreciate 'em!


















Get 'Killjoy' by Shihad Here.



















Now, just before I leave you to slip further into your Turkey/Tofurkey-with-all-the-trimmings induced comas, I'd just like to add that Shihad still exist - their website can be found here - but they have done nothing of worth since their highly divisive 1996 self-titled LP, so if you decide to go digging around online after getting all fired up by 'Killjoy', don't say I didn't warn you.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE A LONELY TIME

My very first post for you fine people here at IllCon was going to be this grand opening statement about all the things I like and all the awesome things I plan on bestowing upon you. Well, I decided against that in favour of a more festive themed post.

First off, I hate Christmas. I hate all the usual things about it, the build up, the chatter about it at work, the constant rotation of Christmas songs on the radio, everything. All these things are pretty standard. My biggest gripe about Christmas is the fact that there is no escaping it in the slightest. No matter what we do, we are reminded about it wherever we go. Short of my grand master plan of having that small shack in the hills, away from civilisation, booby trapped and armed to the teeth, I don't think I will ever be able to avoid it fully. My usual plan for Christmas is barricading myself indoors alone, stocked up on booze, tunes and movies and just riding it out.

Its during these periods of being drunk by 11:30AM that you begin get a bit to involved in what's actually soundtracking your shambling, slightly destructive tour of the house. So as an early Christmas present, here is my go-to-lonely drinking album of choice, the Micheal Kamen and Eric Clapton helmed score to 1987, buddy cop, celluloid classic, Lethal Weapon.

Now, bear with me. I know Clapton is a bit out of touch these days and no one really cares who Micheal Kamen is, but I believe more than a few of us can relate to waking up in a trailer, feeling like shit and the dog needing to go out? Just like Riggs. Maybe even a smaller fraction of us can relate to having a hollow point bullet spare to do the "job right" should it come to it? Anyway, if you fall into one of these two groups then the sparse orchestral arrangements, sleazy bursts of sax and brief guitar interludes should carry you through this holiday season on your lonely chair untouched ( as long as you ignore the albums opening title track, which is just plain bad). Just keep your glass full and don't answer the door.

I'm getting to old for this Christmas shit!

Of course, you will need some visual stimulation as well. So here is my list of usual Christmas viewings.....

Now please leave me alone.

Indeed. Oliver AKA Nothing Left Inside is the newest addition to Team IllCon, and arrives with all metal credentials firmly in place (he has played with acts such as Black Mass, The Ergon Carousel, Atavist, and Narcosis, as well as writing for Die, Shellsuit, Die! and his own blog, Gonna Make The Pony Trot). Seems like a perfect fit, right? Of course.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

- Cobras

STAN BUSH HAS THE FUCKING TOUCH

Take a number, ladies.

As if the guitar-slinging, golden-throated, pussy-magnet shred wizard Stan Bush needs any sort of fucking introduction. You know him, you love him, you most certainly downloaded his finest work on the 1986 Transformers OST BACK HERE, you smoke his fingernail clippings, you masturbate to the liner notes of Higher Than Angels. You fucking know who Stan Bush is.
But on the outside chance that you don't already worship at the Altar of Stan, go to his website, have a look around, then come back here, crack a Carlsberg, and party the fuck down to the dulcet tones of "The Touch" (which most poseurs would probably identify as "that song from Boogie Nights"):



Thoroughly fucking pumped? Good.
Now that the Spirit of The Stan has ungently entered your body, it's time to get down with some super-obscure Bush Trivia. Now, I know what you're thinking: you're assuming this is the part of the post where I tell you that Stan Bush is one of the few people that crossed over between real life and the Transformers universe--via the Generation One, Season 5 scene in which, at an undetermined time period following the creation of the Headmasters and Targetmasters and the seeming defeat of Galvatron and Scorponok, Powermaster Optimus Prime spends a good deal of time relating Transformers stories to the human schoolboy Tommy Kennedy. Of course, after a series of stories wherein he describes the events of the battle with Unicron, Optimus Prime has to depart to attend an interstellar peace conference in the midst of a barrage of questions from Tommy. As he is blasting off, Prime declares "But until I return, I leave you with 'The Touch'!" Following this, the music video for "The Touch" begins, giving Stan his rare entrance into the fantastical realm of Transformers lore. This unprecedented appearance is also important when you consideHOLY FUCK THERE'S A LAZER COMING OUT OF HIS GUITAR.



But you guys all knew that shit already. I'm going deep on this one, into previously undiscovered regions of Bush Arcana. I will apologize in advance for your blown mind, for by the time you've finished reading this post you will be absolutely done for the day--no longer able to process any sort of information whatsoever.

I'll give it to you as quickly and bluntly as I know how:

In 2009, Stan Bush recorded a "re-imagining" of "The Touch" for the live-action sequel Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, a hella sick Linkin Park inspired rip-off gem which fuses the seemingly unconnected worlds of simpering 80's wuss-rock and post-90's rap-metal. No further introduction is needed.

Enjoy Listen:



Needless to say, director Michael Bay rejected the song outright, leaving Bush to post it, forgotten, like a sad bunk sock hanging from an inner-city clothesline, on his own website. Until today, that is.

Sorry for raping all of your childhoods once again. My bad.

Thanks to Doan at the illustrious Kissing Contest podcast for alerting me to the existence of this timeless jam. Kill yourself.

My Stoopid 2011 List

Year end lists...who's got time to read 'em, let alone write 'em? Do you follow The Long Way Home yet? No? What the fuck is WRONG with you? Homeboy assembled the most comprehensive metal year-end list ever. It's funny, insightful, and encyclopedic. Fucking mandatory reading.

Your humble writer, on the other hand, mustered a measly top five. This is attributable to holiday-onset ennui (fuck Christmas obviously), business (fuck the end of the fiscal year AMIRITE?), and the fact other year-end lists out there (see above) already destroy mine.

Here's to 2011 I GUESS. It was an OK year for metal.

Not posting links. You've got Google on your computer too.

5) Obscura - Omnivium (apogee of modern tech DM)
4) Mournful Congregation - Book of Kings (see this)
3) Absu - Abzu (all that is Good in one concise, perfect package)
2) Obsequiae - Suspended in the Brume of Eos (no surprise considering the pedigree. reinventing BM is no small feat in an oversaturated market)
1) Atriarch - Forever the End (Atriarch destined for world domination #realtalk)

BONUS: Top 5 albums on everyone's list I didn't get.

5) Autopsy - Macabre Eternal (mandatory pot-stirring selection - return to form? not hearing it)
4) Tombs - Path of Totality (i mean yeah it's good but really everyone?)
3) The Atlas Moth - An Ache for the Distance (ima pro-lo fanboy as much as the next dude but sorry this is just weeeeeeeak)
2) Disma - Towards the Megalith (i count at least 5 records that did the Swedish DM revival thing better than them)
1) Krallice - Diotima (nothing worked for me on this release, not the least of which was the vocals, extra-ugh)

SEASONS GREETINGS

Teh Funneh Immortal

"(Holiday Version)"

Thanks alot, Cory

INQUISITION - ANXIOUS DEATH EP (1990) / FOREVER UNDER Demo (1993)

Anxious Death

Forever Under

Fuck Jesus. Fuck Christmas. Fuck happiness. Fuck toys. Fuck Santa. Fuck holiday "music". Fuck Starbucks. Fuck Black Friday. Fuck fat, stupid Americans watching football and yelling at their fucking television sets. Fuck joy. Fuck stockings hung by the mantle with care. Fuck reindeer. Fuck eggnog and that stupid fucking sweater you're wearing. Fuck parades. Fuck claymation Christmas specials. Fuck Frosty. Fuck your tree. Fuck all the fucking gifts underneath it. Fuck the manger. Fuck the wise men. Fuck the North Star and your goddamn fucking "virgin birth". Your "holiday" is a lie. Your fucking religion is a farce.

ONLY INQUISITION IS REAL.

Dagon (above right) got you a present this year. It's an hour of face-melting blackened technothrash via Inquisition's first two releases, 1990's two-and-a-half song EP Anxious Death and 1993's full-length demo Forever Under.
All of the sudden, it appears that everyone is swinging from this band's nuts. And for once, I feel that they totally deserve it. Ominous Doctrines of The Perpetual Mystical Macrocosm is a lock for IllCon's Best Album of 2010, and Inquisition, from all accounts, still seem to be just getting warmed up. Not everyone realizes that these guys have been around since 1988, though, and that Dagon used to be "Jason Wilson", and that they used to be a thrash band from Colombia, and that Dagon's pinch harmonics from this era are some of the finest ever played. This shit is every bit as ripping as anything on their later releases, albeit in an entirely different way. Sure, the bass is out of tune and too high in the mix on Anxious Death, and apparently no one told Dagon that thrash songs should be under 9 minutes or so. But ALL of Forever Under is near-perfect (if a bit rough around the edges), and Dagon's unique and captivating approach to the art of axe-wielding is evident throughout.
Go ahead and worship Inquisition guilt-free. I see absolutely nothing wrong with a killer fucking band finally getting their balls washed after 22+ years of hard work.
Merry Christmas, assholes.

Download HERE
Purchase both releases via 2006 Nuclear War Now! re-issue HERE

Metallum/Last.FM

All Seanford Wants For Christmas Is A Pair of Ed Hardy Uggs

KHRISTMÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄS!!!

Out of the goodness of my heart, which THIS year (for a change) is positively brimming with festive cheer, I have decided to give you TWO, count 'em, TWO christmas gifts.

The first one, well...you have to get yer ass over to MY blog and get it...is my second favourite record of all time...and the SECOND one is just about THE most METAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL christmas gift that I could think to give to you wonderful people.

There has been a lot of bolshy talk about the falseness of Cobras of late, and well, we don't want that to tarnish the rep of this esteemed and noble blog as a bastion of AWESOME METAL, amongst other things.

Sooooooo, with that in mind, I give you - ROB HALFORD'S CHRISTMAS ALBUM.




















YEAH. That's right. YOU HEARD ME. Rob Halford's deadly-serious, not-fucking-around, christmas album.





You're welcome. Enjoy in a non-ironic fashion.....and don't get me socks this year.

SOCIETY GANG RAPE - NO FATE (1996)

On this, the eve of the birth of Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ, I've obtained for you the one gift that keeps on giving all year long... GANG RAPE.

No need to thank me, just kick back and soak in the blistering, metallic hardcore of this three-quarters female Swedish terror unit by the warmth of a crackling fire, perhaps while you sip at a warm, spiced holiday beverage. Bask in the nostalgia of simpler days with ESL-flavored crust-bangers like "Tell Me No Shit", "Your Life Sucks", and "Come To Conclusion", all while your Yule log is relentlessly assaulted by an avalanche of crunchy guitars, hoarse, screeching vocals, and quasi-D-beat drum pummeling. Drift off into whimsical reverie with the charmingly ham-fisted cautionary tale "Satan At The Wheel", which expounds clumsily on the dangers of drunk driving over an almost nu-metal-esque riff for almost three minutes. Yes, Christmas is a time for you and me... And GANG RAPE.

I've loved this band ever since I was introduced to them via this very same album almost a decade and a half ago. And now, I pass the legacy along to you, Dear Reader.
Shove No Fate right up your chimney-hole and keep it there--as a memento of our friendship, our trust, of goodwill towards men and Gang Rape for all.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Metallum/Last.FM

KIDS THESE DAYS

Disturbing Trends In Youth "Rock Culture", Part 666

May the Gods bless Rockabilia.com. Not only is it an excellent spot to pick up sweet Immortal and Defeated Sanity gear without all the trouble of getting off the couch and going to shows, but it is also a lifeline of sorts for all of us Olds--a place where we can voyeuristically inspect the trends and fashion of our younger counterparts, laughing maniacally all the way.
And what a strange and fascinating world it is, that of tween "rocker culture": a place where our septugenarian sensibilities are rendered obsolete, where the aesthetics of "metal" have turned into a neon teddy-bear nightmare unrecognizable to the faithful. Indeed, I cannot claim to "understand" the style or clothing of the age-challenged--that is a job for Sergeant D. What I can do is notice odd trends as I scan through my Rockabilia catalog in search of grim and frostbitten treasures, identify them, and then share them with you here, where we can all point, laugh, and speculate on what the future could possibly hold.

But enough talk, let's commence with the pointing and laughing.

I'll start with a very specific T-shirt trend, and then branch off into much more nebulous territory. That specific trend is the "art-less" T-shirt, with the word "FUCKING" added. Observe:

ATTACK! ATTACK!, "No Fucking Respect"

BORN OF OSIRIS, "Fuckin Bow Down"

AS BLOOD RUNS BLACK, "Bring The Motherfuckin Ruckus"

By far my favorite: ATTACK! ATTACK!, "Crab Fucking Core"

How do we know when a youth fashion movement has reached its proverbial "crest"? Easy: when the Olds start biting it. Again, observe:

"MACHINE FUCKING HEAD"

DEVIL DRIVER, "I Could Fucking Care Less"

ARCH ENEMY, "Pure Fucking Metal"

"FUCKIN SLAYER"

One more from the kids:

BLESS THE FALL (?)

Did anyone else notice something that this Bless The Fall (Beyatch?) shirt has in common with a few of the others? Namely the Born of Osiris and As Blood Runs Black designs up top there? If you answered "some sort of weird suburban-white-kid attempt at urban sensibilties", you win. The art-less "fucking" shirt trend is closely related to the "ironic ghetto" trend that so many young uhhh... "metal"? bands have embraced as of late. I suspect that this "ironic appreciation of hip-hop culture" in heavy metal will soon merge with the oncoming retro-nu-metal movement, leaving many rich suburbanite tweens confused about who exactly they are making fun of. But this is pure speculation. We'll just have to wait and see.

Until then, let's point and laugh at a couple more "ghetto metal" treasures:

OCEANO are "Bringin' The Beef"!(?)!

And yes, I am truly saddened to report that there is, in fact, a "rap-metalcore" band actually called DEEZ NUTS. I apologize.

Wow.

I'll throw a couple more unrelated designs at you before I get outta here, just a few random entries in the Rockabilia T-Shirt Hall of Fame:

IMPENDING DOOM

No.

FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH are HELLA TOUGH, yo!

Christian rockers FOR TODAY encompass a veritable cavalcade of horrible artwork, I highly recommend checking out everything they offer on Rockabilia.com.

This one is pretty amazing:

And of course we can't forget our old friends IWRESTLEDABEARONCE:

Yep. Thoroughly depressing.
Let's cheer up with a new video from Gold Panda (thanks to The Living Doorway for the recommendation):



Ahhhh, that's better. Maybe I'm not so out of touch with youth culture after all.


Before I go, and while we're still on the subject of the Rockabilia:

I'm sure many of you are planning on sending me anonymous Christmas gifts this year. It's totally cool, I appreciate it, and of course it's all part of the territory when it comes to the whole "Blog Hero-Worship" thing. But I've got some corny gifts in the past, and that shit needs to stop. Allow me to just drop one huge hint here, before I end this thing.

Rockabilia.com Item# 101893. I can do either medium or large.

KTHNX!