Thursday, June 30, 2011


"Garbage is the operative word."

Siskel & Ebert... Man, what a couple of fun-hating buttholes. Case in point: they're gonna bag on XTRO? Fucking XTRO?!!? "Mean-spirited"? "Abysmal"? "Garbage"? You're lucky you're fucking dead, Gene Siskel, or else Cobras would have one Hell of a score to settle with you.
For my sci-fi/horror dollar, it just doesn't get any better than this 1983 masterpiece, written and directed by British helmsman Harry Bromley Davenport. Davenport has rarely ventured outside the XTRO franchise for the remainder of his film career, which can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on who you ask. I figured we're loooong overdue for an XTRO post on IllCon, after all, can any of you think of a film more pertinent to I.C interests? XTRO has it all: a super-low budget, awesome special effects, good ideas, humor (both intentional and unintentional), aliens, shitloads of gore and arterial spray, an ultra-spacey electronic soundtrack, a dude eating raw snake eggs, and, best of all, a woman giving very graphic birth to a full-grown man.


XTRO is far more than just your run-of-the-mill 'alien intruder' genre flick, it does of course begin with your standard spaceship crash but spins out of control into something far more surreal rather quickly. By the end of the film, it has morphed into some sort of Satanic mashup between Alien, House By The Cemetary, Killer Klowns From Outer Space, and Toy Story (no, really), causing one to invariably wonder: what the fuck was Harry Bromley Davenport smoking, and why didn't he share?
In reality, it's probably been 5 years or more since I've seen this movie, but the highlights are burned into my brain with an eerie permanence--which I guess is the primary goal of a shocksploitation film like as this one. has quoted Davenport in confirmation as such: "(I) set out to do the most disgusting things that we could get away with. And if I'd had it my way, they would have been more disgusting." He also called the film an "extraordinary mess" and "rubbish".

XTRO is currently scored as "20% fresh" on Rotten Tomatoes (2% lower than Sucker Punch), which I find totally understandable considering the average person's shitty taste in movies. This movie just ISN'T FOR 99% of the population. But c'mon... How could you possibly take issue with a scene like this?:

As always, I guess we need to take a moment to discuss the (mostly inconsequential) plot. There's a dad, and a kid, and a wife, then some gratuitous boobie shots and stuff, then a bunch of alien-murder, and cocoons, and a midget clown, and a death-by-random-panther scene... Wait, what?

Let's start over. We start with the aforementioned spacecraft crashing in a swamp somewhere in Britain, and it is eventually revealed that said spacecraft formerly housed a really creepy, gooey alien that looks suspiciously like a dude on all fours with a backwards mask on. Said alien proceeds to spirit away the aforementioned Father, possessing his body and then disappearing for three full years.

Upon Daddy's re-appearance on the Family Scene, things start to get pretty goofy. Mom's pissed that he bailed for all that time, and it is then exposed that she has since taken up with a dorky new fella who in turn harbors a deep mistrust of the magically-reappeared Dad. Of course, we all know he's possessed by an alien, so it's no surprise when he starts doing zany shit like sucking on his son's neck, or chowing down on raw snake eggs, or, y'know, impregnating random cottage-dwelling women of the British countryside with Martian embryos. Oh yeah, and killing people.

As a result of his old man's neck-sucking (apparently aliens reproduce a la vampire), the Youngster (Sam) starts doing some pretty wacky shit too, like killing his neighbor and bringing a bunch of his toys to life (hence the Toy Story reference and also, for some reason, the midget clown), and by the time Mom and Dorky Boyfriend catch on to what's happening, the proverbial "fit" has alreready hit the equally-proverbial "shan".
This movie just gets weirder and weirder and weirder as it progresses. Trust me.

I'm sure that at this point you guys are all super-pumped on XTRO, and hankering for its respective sequels. Well, I regret to inform you that its 1991 sequel XTRO 2: The Second Encounter, starring Airwolf star Jan Michael Vincent (right), is a big old boring pile of shit (in fact I ranked it among the worst sequels of all time way back here), and its second sequel, 1995's XTRO 3: Watch The Skies, ain't much better. So that sucks.
You can't win 'em all, I guess. But you can still try: Last year, Harry Bromley Davenport announced plans to begin production on XTRO 4, and although no release date has been set as of yet, I think it's safe to assume that it will at least be.... Interesting?
Who knows? Garbage is the operative word.




Watch it on YouTube/Get it on Netflix/Buy VHS/Buy DVD/Ride a rollercoaster with The Rock.

PS I would literally give birth to a full-grown man out of my butthole for a copy of the XTRO OST. Any help?


Holy shit, during the course of my research for this post, I fucking accidentally found it. Original soundtrack by XTRO auteur Harry Bromley Davenport himself! I've seriously been looking for this sucker for years--it is amazing stuff, especially if you're into that whole psychedelic/sci-fi Moog shit that Tomita and Carlos do so well. Which I am.




Germany's DESASTER are just plain METAL AS FUCK. There's no two ways about it. I'll let their Last.FM write-up do the talking, because A) I'm lazy and B) It rules.

"Desaster was sprung in 1988. They are a (blackened) thrash metal band from Koblenz. Important musical influences include “Venom”, “Hellhammer”, “Motörhead” as well as the early “Sodom” sound. 1993 appeared the first official demo with the title “The Fog OF Avalon”. The first album, “A Touch Of Medieval Darkness”, appeared in 1996. Further albums followed, whereby the sound developed towards blackened thrash metal. The last albums were published over Metal Blade records."

Word the fuck up. If you like fun, semi-shitty blackthrash with self-referencing lyrics about BEING METAL (check out "Metalized Blood" or "Teutonic Steel" off of Hellfire's Dominion), Desaster are here to satisfy your jones. Metalize your blood with their first two releases, from '96 and '98 respectively, and maybe slaughter a couple posers on your lunch break or something today. Honor your roots, asshole.


Download HERE


Download HERE
Purchase HERE


Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Image courtesy of Mark Rudolph, Requiem Metal Podcast

I'm not sure what percentage of Illogical Contraption's readership listens to podcasts--it is, after all, an acquired taste, not the most popular form of entertainment, but burgeoning nonetheless. I subscribe to exactly 20 myself (my computer's memory won't allow for much more and I ain't about to start dumping 'em onto my external hard drive), and in the last 6 months or so my music-to-podcast ratio has been about 50/50. They're a great alternative to commercial radio for a guy like me that spends alot of time in cars or on public transportation, after all you can't spend 100% of your earbud time rocking to Russian slam metal (can you?). So today's post is a breakdown of the aforementioned 20 podcasts on my roster, most of them probably pretty well-known and familiar to you if you're already an enthusiast, but hey, whatever, I thought I'd share...

- HorrorEtc

An in-depth exploration of the horror genre (amongst many other things) with very-Canadian hosts Anthony and Ted (and sometimes Doug). Podcasts are produced at least once a week, with a huge archive for your perusal (almost 200 episodes, most in the 1:30 to 2 hour range). These guys like to swill beer while they talk slasher, gore, thriller, suspense, etc., but slobs they aren't--discussions often swerve into the technical minutiae of filmmaking, and they are always "films", not "movies".

Pros: 300+ hours of obscure horror cinema talk at your disposal.
Cons: Anthony in particular can come off as a little bit pretentious, and subject matter is explored SO deeply and thoroughly that a lot of uninteresting fodder gets thrown in.

- Junk Food Dinner

Junk Food Dinner, although relatively young, appears to be a weekly affair, and, like HorrorEtc, is almost completely film-related. The Skype-based format of its production model allows for 3 hosts based in Ohio, LA, and New York to be present for each episode, with each of them bringing an obscure film to the table for discussion every week. Along with quite a bit of "nerd news", good musical interludes, and plentiful digression, JFD brings the B-movies, grindhouse, horror, sci-fi, and 80's comedies hard and fast, and I always end up adding a movie or two to my Netflix queue after listening.

Pros: Shitloads of quality flicks you've never heard of.
Cons: Only, like, ten episodes available on iTunes right now.

- Doug Loves Movies

Continuing with the movie theme, we have the always-stoned Doug Benson and his weekly comedy/film trivia podcast Doug Loves Movies. Usually performed live at the UCB Theater in LA, DLM is always populated by an entertaining list of A-to-B-grade movie stars and comedians (he got John Lithgow!), and always ends in a spirited round of The Leonard Maltin Game.

Pros: Never fails to entertain--Benson is a genuinely funny host and guests are mostly lucid and well-chosen.
Cons: The live setting of the show doesn't always translate 100% to podcast format.

- Comedy Bang Bang

Transitioning from film to comedy, we now start with our 5-show block of podcasts from the Earwolf Network, co-founded by Comedy Bang Bang (formerly Comedy Death Ray) host and former Mr. Show writer Scott Aukerman. I posted on CBB/CDR back here, sharing several of their finest clips via YouTube, but again, the show archive is massive and stocked with quality bits, offering hours and hours and hours and hours of listening pleasure to the casual comedy enthusiast. Comedy Bang Bang is often considered the yardstick by which to measure comedy podcasts, and Aukerman's format (usually featuring a movie or music star paired with an "in-character" comedian) is about 90% successful.

Pros: Seth Morris, Nick Kroll, James Adomian, and Paul F. Tompkins ALWAYS kill it.
Cons: Humor-wise, CBB can be pretty hit-or-miss.

- Affirmation Nation with Bob Ducca

The first "official" CDR/CBB spin-off features Seth Morris as the ailment-stricken self-help addict Bob Ducca, initially introduced on Comedy Death Ray as Aukerman's (fictional) ex-stepdad. In a departure from the "usual" comedy podcast format, Affirmation Nation is offered in 1-to-4 minute installments 5 times a week, and somehow, almost every episode manages to be literally laugh-out-loud funny. Highest recommendations possible.

Pros: Introduction of terms like "faucet titties", "Kettle Corn enema", "nasal halitosis", and "hand putty" into your daily vernacular.
Cons: None.

Pro tip: Bob Ducca's Twitter account is amazing, if you're into that sort of thing.

- Mike Detective

A deft send-up of the long-gone private eye/film noir genre, Mike Detective is the creation of comedian/actor Rob Huebel (of Human Giant and Children's Hospital), and is chock full of ridiculous wordplay, graphic single entendres, low-brow comedy, and brilliantly stupid puns. Episodes are usually in the 5-to-10 minute range, with the first "season" ending recently.

Pros: Like Affirmation Nation, good for a few solid belly laughs.
Cons: Episodes are short, few and far between.

- How Did This Get Made?

Speaking of Human Giant, Huebel's co-star Paul Scheer (who also appeared in Piranha 3D and was quasi-interviewed by our own Brother Cory back here) co-hosts the twice-monthly shitfest HDTGM? with Jason Mantzoukas and June Diane Raphael, and consistently nails it with his brutal eviscerations of past and current Hollywood garbage (most of it involving Nicolas Cage). This podcast can be an acquired taste, but I personally have an unquenchable thirst for shit-talking bad movies, the worse the better (and vice versa?).

Pros: In-depth plot analysis of movies like Sucker Punch and Drive Angry: Shot in 3d save you the pain and hassle of actually watching them.
Cons: I actually wish the 45 minute-to-1 hour episodes were longer.

- Who Charted?

The last in our series of 5 Earwolf-produced podcasts is Howard Kremer and Kulap Vilaysack's Who Charted?, a show which, despite being pretty funny, I consider something of a neccesary evil. Their weekly run-downs of top charters in film, music, video gaming, and the like are mostly foreign to my ultra-specialized tastes, but in a way, if I must keep up with pop culture, this is the way I want to do it--in short, controlled, 10 second bursts.

Pros: Good guests, good music (Kremer moonlights as alter-ego comedy rapper Dragon Boy Suede), and a healthy dose of deserving cynicism (mostly on Howard's part) when discussing "popular stuff".
Cons: I could tell you what song was #3 on the dance charts last week, if I wanted to.

- The Nerdist

Another "guilty pleasure" on the list, the Nerdist podcast (co-hosted by Chris Hardwick, Jonah Ray, and Matt Mira) is sort of like the "morning radio show" of my poddictions. These dudes are all legitimately funny, super nerdy, and full of quick wit, but also obsessed with the Hollywood "scene", often pandering to A-list guests or dropping names unnecessarily. I don't know--I can't always get behind the Nerdist 100%, but it hasn't stopped me from downloading and listening to all 100+ shows in their archive.

Pros: The title implies a certain degree of nerd and/or geek-based knowledge, which the show delivers in abundance.
Cons: Chris is hung up on himself, Jonah likes to talk about "indie rock", and Matt is a fan of the Dave Matthews Band. 'Nuff said.

- The Pod F. Tompkast

Paul F. Tompkins is a fucking comedy genius, and his foray into the world of podcasting is a welcome one. But while the Pod F. Tompkast is well-produced, creative, and intelligent, it lacks variety, an element that will hopefully be added when the first episode recorded in front of a LIVE audience airs next month. This show is relatively new, and could use a couple tweaks to hold listener interest better. But I trust the comedic instincts of its seasoned host, and hopefully the Tompkast will continue to improve accordingly.

Pros: Regular visits from well-worn Tompkins characters such as Cake Boss, Ice T, Gary Marshall, and Dame Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Cons: Paul's one-man, direction-less rants can get tiresome (he needs to start bringing on some guests), and his ongoing segment featuring extended phone conversations with comedian Jen Kirkman don't really go anywhere.

- Superego

Holy shit this show is bizarre. And fucking hilarious.
I stumbled accross this one on a chance recommendation from the previously-mentioned Mr. Tompkins, who, along with other well-known comics like Patton Oswalt and Andy Daly, has done extensive guest-voice work on the show. Somehow, the creators of Superego have created their own off-kilter comedic language, full of weird non-sequitirs, purposefully misplaced pauses, nonsensical word combinations, and pure, unadulterated insanity. I'm not even really sure what to call it. It is "sketch comedy", yes, but somehow beyond it as well, contorting into abstract surrealism and improvisational scat-storytelling as well. If Tim & Eric directed the Firesign Theater, the results would be something resembling Superego.
As a bonus, the production value and technical details are top-notch as well, with the podcast itself being presented in a "chaptered" format I've never before experienced in a comedy podcast (custom graphics "follow" the show's storyline as well, changing on your iPod's display screen as the episode progresses). But above all, the show is FUNNY, and if you choose to take the plunge, you'll soon be as enamored with Shunt McGuppin, General Zod, Don DeLillo, and The Pray-Day-Dur Kid (you'll know when you get there) as I am.

Pros: Pretty sure this podcast actually makes you smarter.
Cons: Only one 20-minute-to-half-hour episode per month.

- WTF with Marc Maron

I guess WTF is the closest you can get to a "mainstream" comedy podcast, although that term means something totally different in such a specialized form of media. Maron still produces his interview segments from his own garage (when he isn't conducting them live on stage or from a hotel room), with his own gear, and each episode is flavored, for better or worse, by his cynical, twisted world view. Say what you will about the bitter old fuck, but Maron certainly isn't a "sell-out", and half the fun of the show is hearing his own dark, honest stories intertwined with those of his (usually) high-profile guests. Unlike mainstream television or radio interviewers, WTF is unafraid to sink its proverbial claws into its victims interviewees, and the magic of the show is hearing about the darkest fears and anxieties of otherwise "untouchable" comedy/media stars.

Pros: Endless kvetching.
Cons: See "Pros".

- Things We Did Before Reality

Personality-wise, SF-based comedian Will Franken has a lot in common with Marc Maron--they're both unrepentantly bitter and angry, sharp of wit and tongue, and prolific as Hell--but Franken's podcast is a hard 180 from Maron's dry back-and-forth, a frenetic, schizoid, one-man romp indulging all the voices in his head. Where Maron is liberal and prone to chin-scratching introspection, Franken is (beneath a confusing mass of conflicting voices) actually pretty conservative, and never hesitant to put his ideas into action. Despite a complete schism with his Republican leanings, I have to hand it to the guy: Things We Did Before Reality is an amazing listen, an obvious labor of love that is as funny as it is random. Franken's stream-of-conciousness ramblings involve a huge cast of characters (all performed by the man himself), an arsenal of sound effects and weird references, even a healthy dose of original music. This is probably the most obscure podcast you'll find on this list, and undeservingly so.

Cons: No new episodes in over a year, looks like a limited run...?

- Out There Radio

Man, I listen to waaayyyy too many comedy podcasts. Shit.
Anyway, next up on the list is Out There Radio, a conspiracy-themed 50-part series created several years ago by two college dudes in Georgia. Now, I've gone through my share of "conspiracy" podcasts, and without fail, ALL of them except Out There have fallen by the wayside. You see, conspiracy theory-based podcasts always fall prey to one of two downfalls: they either A) are super boring, or B) have awful production (basement-dwelling conspiracy nuts rarely get the feedback the need to correct such issues). Out There succumbs to neither, and as a result, remains an all-time favorite. Running the gamut from UFOs to Satanism to mass suicide to the JFK assassination/Warren commission to Nazi cults to 2012 to Charles Manson, show topics are engaging and well-researched, and the hosts are wise enough to present both sides of every case while endorsing neither. As a bonus, when you subscribe to Out There on iTunes, you also get a couple dozen episodes of a Disinformation series these same guys did, super recommended all around.

Pros: Hugely informative.
Cons: Defunct.

- Requiem Metal Podcast

... And onward to the METAL podcasts! I've spoken about Requiem at length here on IllCon before, but allow me to repeat myself once again: this is a GREAT show, and has turned me on to a shit-ton of previously-undiscovered gems (mostly Swedish) in the recent past. Hosts Mark and Jason have put in decades of service to the metal cause, and it shows in the quality of their work. While my taste in metal doesn't always converge with theirs (come on, guys, that new Cathedral is AWFUL!), I don't really expect it to either, as metal is a splintered prism of fractalized preferences and styles. These guys love ALL of it, which is why the show works so well.

Pros: Hugely informative.
Cons: A whole show abouth the fucking DEFTONES? Really?

- MetalCast

Double that previous statement for MetalCast: The Ultimate Metal Show. This international endeavor is extremely heavy on the symphonic Italian power metal, gothic Grecian power metal, Finnish psychedelic power metal, etc. etc. etc.--long story short, lots of stuff that I don't really care about. But it is formatted, like Superego, in CHAPTERS, making it really easy to skip forward and backward over songs to get to the good stuff. MetalCast is actually a pretty awesome resource for exposure to new metal, and, like several other podcasts here, their archives are enormous. Like Requiem, MetalCast is a great way to discover music you would never be exposed to otherwise, and the thick-ass accents present on the entire rotating cast of hosts are pleasing to the ear as well.

Pros: At least one exciting discovery per episode. What the Hell is a Nader Sadek?
Cons: Power metal. Power metal power metal power metal power metal power metal power metal power metal. Power metal.

- StarTalk Radio

OK, metal's over. Good metal podcasts are hard to find, or maybe I'm just too picky...?
Either way, we're now getting into the intellectual stuff, so I won't blame all you knuckle-dragger if you want to bail now. Gone? OK cool.
StarTalk Radio, hosted by "celebrity astrophysicist" Neil DeGrasse Tyson (you may have seen him on The Colbert Report or The Daily Show), succeeds in its goal of making science--both celestial and terrestrial--accessible to the common fuckup, by relating the basic tenets of physics and biology to pop culture, whether it be movies, comic books, sports, or music. By avoiding the humdrum lecture style of the average science teacher, Tyson makes science an engaging topic, and by bringing the odd comedian on as a sidekick manages to keep conversation light and goofy. But be careful, because you might end up actually learning something.

Cons: Neil DeGrasse Tyson is kind of a smug bastard. He seriously introduces himself as "Astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson" in EVERY EPISODE.

- H.P.

Depending on your literary preferences, you probably either love or hate Howard Phillips Lovecraft. Me, I reside firmly in the former camp, although I think everyone can agree that his style of prose is convoluted, confusing, heavy-handed, and over-wrought. Luckily, the dudes over at the H.P. Lovecraft Literary Podcast have your back, creating a show that can be viewed almost as high-production-value audio Cliff Notes of the man's work. Seamlessly fusing sound effects, readings via actors from the original text, and extensive plot analysis and insight (their exploration of At The Mountains of Madness is at 5 hour-long episodes and counting), HPPodcraft is an excellent companion piece to the writings of one of horror's greatest minds, and will most likely help you parse some of Howard's most heinous run-on sentences--with a dash of macabre humor.

Pros: Will allow you to reference Lovecraft's work much more freely and accurately in mixed company. Chicks are WAY into that.
Cons: Niche interest. I doubt many people will enjoy this one as much as I do.

- Dan Carlin's Hardcore History

I don't really know much about Dan Carlin outside of this podcast, but it was recommended from several different sources and I'm glad I checked it out. Wanna listen to a seven-plus hour history of ancient Rome with ALL of the gore, murder, incest, and baby-sacrifice intact? Good! Carlin's got you covered, breaking down several of history's greatest epochs into lascivious, easily-digestable 90-minute chunks. I don't really consider myself a big history buff, but Hardcore History expounds on humanity's finest (and most deplorable) hours in a way that is both interesting and informative, and even though I'm not sure if more episodes will be made or not, there is plenty here to keep you busy for dozens of morning commutes.

Pros: More "smart" podcasting. Might as well stimulate your brain cells while you slowly destroy your eardrums.
Cons: Dry-er than Barbara Bush's vagine.

- This American Life

Okay. I admit it.

Pros: What, are you too "cool" to sit down and just listen to a GOOD FUCKING STORY every now and then? Jesus man, get over yourself. Asshole.
Cons: Listener may or may not develop brown corduroy patches on elbows of jacket, listener may or may not sprout ponytail, spectacles, or bad facial hair, listener may or may not find him/herself driving a Prius or visiting local Farmer's Market more than once daily.

So there you have it. The 20 podcasts that I subscribe to, in no particular order. What buried treasures are YOU CLOWNS listening to these days? Comments section, go!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A CONSPIRACY TO END ALL CONSPIRACIES: The Stanggressive Hyperbole of Alex Jones Finally Dovetails Into Undeniable Truth

The biggest news story of the year just broke, and chances are you haven't heard a goddamn thing about it. This is HUGE, nigh unto Earth-shattering. I want you to watch the following video very, very closely, for it holds the key to our collective future as a cohesive human civilization.

PS: "Stanggressive" = "Stupid" + "Angry" + "Aggressive".

Now, I'm no friend of Alex Jones. I thought his infiltration of the Bohemian Grove Owl Orgies was pretty cool, but beyond that, his Limbaugh-esque demeanor and penchant for unneccesary shouting has kept me away. He's a douche, long story short, and, like fellow circus barker Glenn Beck, makes up for lack of substance with an overabundance of volume.

But HOLY SHIT has he blown this one wide open.

I'm sure we're all aware of the Bilderberg Group already, but the revelation that these power-hungry Illuminati overlords are controlled by multi-dimensional aliens via DMT vision-quests? Fucking Hell! Where's the CNN coverage? MSNBC? The Daily Show?

Jones' assertation that Dimethyltryptamine hallucinations guide the major power decisions made by the ruling financial elite is nothing short of a total revelation for society as we know it, and the fact that mainstream media has ignored the story only strengthens its case. The shape-shifting DMT "machine elves" that Jones refers to in the above video are the true manipulators of all the major media outlets, after all, hence their total silence on the matter.

But let's take a minute to discuss these "elves". Originally popularized by psychedelic guru Terence McKenna (left), these multi-dimensional creatures choose to communicate via drugs like ayahuasca (which contains Dimethyltryptamine), and appear in the lore of many cultures accross the globe. Machine elves (also known as "fractal elves" or "self-transforming elf machines") are totally real, and their existence can be proven by the fact that they have a Wikipedia page.

Check out McKenna's description of the Fractal Elf/DMT experience from said page:

At about minute one or two of a DMT trip, according to McKenna, one may burst through a chrysanthemum-like mandala, and find:

There's a whole bunch of entities waiting on the other side, saying "How wonderful that you're here! You come so rarely! We're so delighted to see you!"
They're like jewelled self-dribbling basketballs and there are many of them and they come pounding toward you and they will stop in front of you and vibrate, but then they do a very disconcerting thing, which is they jump into your body and then they jump back out again and the whole thing is going on in a high-speed mode where you're being presented with thousands of details per second and you can't get a hold on [them ...] and these things are saying "Don't give in to astonishment", which is exactly what you want to do. You want to go nuts with how crazy this is, and they say "Don't do that. Pay attention to what we're doing".

What they're doing is making objects with their voices, singing structures into existence. They offer things to you, saying "Look at this! Look at this!" and as your attention goes towards these objects you realise that what you're being shown is impossible. It's not simply intricate, beautiful and hard to manufacture, it's impossible to make these things. The nearest analogy would be the Fabergé eggs, but these things are like the toys that are scattered around the nursery inside a U.F.O., celestial toys, and the toys themselves appear to be somehow alive and can sing other objects into existence, so what's happening is this proliferation of elf gifts, which are moving around singing, and they are saying "Do what we are doing" and they are very insistent, and they say "Do it! Do it! Do it!" and you feel like a bubble inside your body beginning to move up toward your mouth, and when it comes out it isn't sound, it's vision. You discover that you can pump "stuff" out of your mouth by singing, and they're urging you to do this. They say "That's it! That's it! Keep doing it!".

We're now at minute 4.5 [of the trip] and you speak in a kind of glossolalia. There is a spontaneous outpouring of syntax unaccompanied by what is normally called "meaning". After a minute or so of this the whole thing begins to collapse in on itself and they begin to physically move away from you. Usually their final shot is that they wave goodbye and say "Deja vu! Deja vu!".

From Terence McKennaLand: Terence McKenna (1946—2000) has been studying the ontological foundations of Shamanism and the Ethnopharmacology of spiritual transformation for the past quarter century. An innovative theoretician and spellbinding orator, Terence has emerged as a powerful voice for the psychedelic movement and the emergent societal tendency he calls The Archaic Revival. Poetically dispensing enlightened social criticism and new theories of the fractal dynamics of time, Terence deobfuscates many aspects of the visionary lexicon, and then some. As Artist Alex Grey suggests, "In the twilight of human history, McKenna's prescription for salvation is just so crazy it might work."

"Joe Rogan knows what I'm talking about."

Whoa. That's a whole SHITLOAD of information to process. First, that the existence of Fractal Elves is a very real and provable fact, but second (and most importantly), that said Elves are a MALEVOLENT, EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL ALIEN FORCE!
I can't say it's much of a surprise: as Mr. Jones said before, politicians often stumble about in a weird, zombie-like haze, and the fact that they are all tripping super fucking hard on DMT all the time explains quite a bit.
The wool has been pulled back, revealing what I think many of us suspected already: The Bilderberger/Illuminati/reptilians are high as shit on hallucinogens, communicating through channels undiscovered by modern science with malevolent robot elves. Fuck.

OF COURSE this is why the Bible forbids drug use! It all makes so much sense now!

1 Peter 5:8 - "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."

Galatians 5:19-21 - "Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God."

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

Translation: "Don't trip on DMT, it will make you see the Fractal Elves that control the government, bro."

A simple equation:


So there you go. I am again forced into a grudging, mutual-respect-based stalemate with Alex Jones, based solely on his unwavering dedication to truth and justice. Illogical Contraption salutes you, Mr. Jones, and we pledge our allegiance to you in the upcoming battle with the Annunaki-reptilian/Fractal-based self-transforming elf machines. You have once again exposed The Man Behind The Curtain, and this time, when he approaches in the guise of a "jewelled self-dribbling basketball", we will see him for what he is: pure, unadulterated EVIL.