Friday, September 24, 2010

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING BURNER

Awhile back I mentioned that I was planning on creating a Tumblr page dedicated to heckling that most false and bogus Bay Area bogeyman, The Common North American Burner. Well, I got as far as reserving the domain name before I realized, shit, I don't have time for another blog. Fuck that. I'll just make fun of those stilt-walkers right here on IllCon, as I always have. No need for a Tumblr page.
So here you have it. Part 1 of a (possibly) ongoing photodocumentation series studying the lowest of the low, the yuppiest of the yup, the "playa" dirt-covered specimens of human shame known as "Burners" in their native environs. It's been a couple weeks since these rave-culture hangers-on returned home to San Francisco in their dusty Subaru Outbacks, and I apologize for lagging so long. But the Burner scourge must be addressed forthwith, via ridicule and disdain.

Here are the first dozen doozies.

I get it, dude. You were shooting for Beyond Thunderdome. Unfortunately, this looks a lot more like Far Short of Thunderdome.

Celebrity Playa sighting: Check out Hugh Jackman over there on the left.

Speaking of celebs in the BRC, apparently James Hetfield made it out there, too.

Let's see, you get one week of vacation per year. How would you like to spend it? On a beach somewhere tropical? Skiing in the Hamptons? Nah. Let's do the usual: Ensconced in a homemade Hazmat suit, choking on dust, sweating out some bad acid and shitting in an overflowing Port-O-Potty.

Humor me for a moment by imagining this dude, naked and sweaty, mashing his balloon knot against that bicycle seat for seven days straight. Now imagine sniffing said seat.

His name is Jeff and he works in Accounts Payable.

This fucking Burner is totally on the "cutting edge" of "modern music". Right now, he's totally singing lyrics to a song by this really obscure Gypsy band from New York called Gogol Bordello. You probably haven't heard of them yet.

Did you know that there's a Scat Porn Appreciation Society on Facebook?

NIGHT OF THE (GAY RAVER) LEPUS!!!

Desperate, desperate cries for help that will never come.

I know you paid for all the gas to get out here and everyone else drank your distilled water, but aren't you taking this a little too far?

Jesus Christ, even Burning Dan looks at this fucking Burner and says "LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BURNER!" Harsh.

5 comments:

stonerphonic said...

o fuck. no, seriously, fuck me running. and i thought juggalos were the biggest fuckheads ever to have the gift of life wasted on them. i was fuckin WRONG. thank god for FMJs with variable cores and that tend to tumble vertically upon impact, creating a massive cavities...

Mister Booze said...

Wow man I'm sorry. That's worse than the scrappers that stole my bike.

Crankenstien said...

why is this shit considered cool here? or anywhere? Fucking hippie ravers

stonerphonic said...

@crankenstien These fuckers are WAY cool. Cool to use as fuckin moving targets with an eclectic collection of fully armoured shells in an automatic or sub-automatic russian built firearm on a nice spring afternoon. And BTW, stein isn't spelt stien. Sure you're not from the Bay Area originally?

Manslaughter said...

Only thing worse than burners are the folsom street paraders. Had to wipe the cum stains and ass sweat off of my seat on the bus to sit down.