Thursday, September 9, 2010

IN SEARCH OF THE PANDAGATOR



The terms "cold, hard, scientific research" and "fundamentalist Christian values" have always gone hand in hand, but I've really got to give it up to the brilliant writers over at ChristWire.org for making the point so forcefully. After all, they were the first to break the story about China's hideous genetic-mutant pandagators (below), a terrifying tale largely ignored by secular heathen media news outlets.


For the uninitiated, I will reprint the most important part of the ChristWire story here: "The worst culprit in genetic perversions are the Chinese. The Chinese already worship mythical creatures such as dragons and anime chinchillas, so it is no stretch to see they are trying to create new beasts. The Chinese dream of the day when they ride their cache of bizaree animals into America and their beasts are able to rip our ecosystems asunder and then do all sorts of nasty things to our people like eat us.
Here is their newest monster: they call it a pandagator in Cantonese (and in Mandarin it translates allanda). This animal can climb trees, which aleady makes it dangerous enough.
It can also swim but has the combined strenth of a panda bear and a bayou gator! There is nothing more dangerous in nature that I can think of other than a satanic housecat, so please pray that all of these animals are wiped out because I will be shining my shotgun and ready to send them back to hell should we cross paths. Amen."


SWEET JESUS! As if we didn't have enough to worry about, what with the Islamic terrorist President and the Mooslimbs trying to build a fucking goddamn terrorist monument RIGHT ON TOP of fucking Ground Zero, now we have to be freaked out about goshdarned fucking tree-dwelling, flesh-eating PANDAGATORS?!?! What the heck is our wholesome, God-fearing, Koran-burning country coming to???

Oh shit! according to ChristWire, they have fucking tiger dogs too! (below)


DANG! SCIENCE IS SCARY!

Lucky for all of us, ChristWire remains ever-vigilant against the constant threat of Chinese mad scientists. And for all you bleeding-heart liberals out there calling it "racism" to be terrified of Chinese people, I offer another quote from ChristWire to explain things: "We must demand our government call our great military to peacefully assert our American ways upon Asia and gently coerce their savage people to live in more amicable, peaceful ways." (from CW writer "Amber", who also wrote the self-explanatory article "I Am Extremely Terrified By Chinese People, But I'm Not Racist".)

ChristWire.org is always there to protect you from the next hysterical-fear-inducing scientific/communist/terrorist threat. A couple more literary masterpieces to keep you safe:

- Scientists Use Magic To Levitate Mice
- Angry God Flexes His Power, Blows Up Indonesian Volcano For Cheating American Businesses
- Crazed Evolutionists Create Bearsharktopus
- From Dust To Man: A Scientific Proof for Intelligent Design
- Lies of Evolution: Scientists Now Create Zedonk for Their Agenda


But it's not just the frontiers of science and genetics where the Christian border patrol are keeping our bodies and minds safe. Check out some other mandatory writings from the ChristWire staff as well:

- Google Instant Caught Promoting Homo Gay Agenda
- Hannah Montana Miley Cyrus Drinks Of Satan’s Nectar
- Gays Invent New Wii Sex Toy, So Blacks Can Have Virtual Sex With White Women
- New Black Gay Rap Anthem Promotes Raping of Kids and Your Wifes
(and most importantly) - IS MY HUSBAND GAY?!

Hopefully, by clicking through these links, you can learn a little bit more about Jesus, science, Christianity, God, and the reasons that we're all brothers under The One True Christian Jesus-God. Onward Christian soldiers!

GOD BLESS CW AUTHOR "ABE"! GOD BLESS CHRISTWIRE! GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS OUR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS TO FREEDOM OF CHRISTIAN RELIGION!

DEATH TO THE PANDAGATOR!

Follow ChristWire on the twitters.

9 comments:

Shoelundo said...

Man, I wish we would have genetically engineered that fucking bitch.

Shelby Cobras said...

See also: Man, I wish we would have raped that fucking pandagator.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

Fucking genetics, how does THAT work?

Shoelundo said...

Actually, 19th century monk Gregor Mendel did some amazing work on that. Using the simple example of peas, he proved that....oh wait....no....it's fucking magic.

Cory said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Isn't Christwire the site that broke the story about the upcoming war between Juggalos and emos? It's a dilemma bringing such a topic up here; I believe Cobras would be interested in Juggalo-related stuff, but then he had placed a moratorium on them as well.

Anonymous said...

Thems some good satire, right there.

MissSeil said...

"There is nothing more dangerous in nature that I can think of, other than a Satanic housecat." Indeed!

Aylmer said...

Can I request some more emo and hipster bashing up on here. I want some more so so many white white tigerdogs lols.