Monday, July 13, 2009

THE ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION MISSION STATEMENT


Above: "Internet 2.0" images like this one are part of the reason for Illogical Contraption's unprecedented rise to blog dominance. Time to update my PC screencap software? Naaahhhh.

This post has been a long time in the works, and is also long overdue. I present it here, for the first and last time, as an apt summation of our goals here at I.C., what we hope to accomplish on the pages herein, our promises, our creed.
To the untrained eye, this blog may seem like a slapdash miasma of words and images, a poorly-thought out and poorly-executed website put together by a couple dudes with a less-than-average understanding of how the internet actually works. This could not be further from the truth. Illogical Contraption has a very clear and strict set of ethics that we abide by whenever we sign on to this hallowed space. This list of commandments, passed down from on high, guide our thoughts and words, and result in the entertaining banter you find here on a daily basis. This "Mission Statement", if you will, is as follows:


Illogical Contraption is devoted to a free exchange of obscure (and not-so-obscure) information and media, between its writers and its readership. We present our ideas here, unedited and uncensored, as a service to the public, to provoke thought and encourage brotherhood amongst our readers. We seek not only to entertain, but also to educate and enlighten. We are all bros. We are the Contrap-Nation.

Below you will find a list of rules and guidelines that serve as a moral map for the entire staff of this blog:

-Illogical Contraption will NEVER use dorky internet terms like "lolz" or "pwned". That shit is TOTALLY SFMA (SOOOO Five Minutes Ago).

-Unlike other blogs, Illogical Contraption will NOT hesitate to publish candid photos of our talented writing staff. We may be smarter than you, but it doesn't mean we can't be bros.

-Illogical Contraption will NEVER feature an internet meme ANY LESS than 5 years old (right).

-Illogical Contraption will only make fun of people who TOTALLY DESERVE IT.

-Illogical Contraption will never talk down to its readers, nor will we pander to them. Illogical Contraption also thinks you look great in that new blouse.

-Illogical Contraption is not interested in "talking politics". Like Charles Bukowski so elegantly stated: "(Talking) politics is like trying to screw a cat in the ass."

-Illogical Contraption will refrain from "recycling" subject matter from 4chan or Encyclopaedia Dramatica whenever possible. All other subject matter will be stolen from Metal Inquisition.

-Illogical Contraption actually HAS CHEEZBURGER.

-Illogical Contraption will never "tweet" at you, nor will we ever ask you to join any stupid groups on Facebook.

-Illogical Contraption will always remain supremely modest about the massive amount of critical praise heaped upon us by the media and our millions of adoring fans. It's no big deal.

-Illogical Contraption will reference itself whenever humanly possible.

-Illogical Contraption will ALWAYS bow to the whims of ANY and ALL corporate sponsors who wish to support us. Seriously. Give us a call.



Above all, Illogical Contraption is devoutly dedicated to bringing you the most entertaining and brilliant blog fodder available on the internet. Except for when it presents any sort of personal inconvenience to us.

THIS IS OUR BATTLE, AND THIS IS OUR DECREE. JOIN US OR BE ELIMINATED!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're going to have to cater to the gays for sponsorship. They have more money than Jews. In fact they are the only people with extra cash these days. Watch any home improvement show. The women will go over budget and get crap while the fag will spend $1.98 and slap up fucking gold covered Roman pillars. Luckily you have an immediate contact to all things queer with del Tigre. He can hook you up with high rolling homos. You guys are Frisco based and couldn't see the forest for the trees. Get your album reviews ready for Liza and Bette though. Sponsorship ain't free.

TMM said...

Like "OTHER BLOGS"

Nice dig there partner.......

Shelby Cobras said...

Smug little hipsters. Too cool to even write "download". Pshhhhh. "dl". What the fuck is that?

SkullCrusher said...

@Anonymous - FUCK YOU you homophobic racist piece of shit. Get the FUCK out of the metal scene. We don't need ignorant fuck heads making us look bad. Go get a fucking education and learn why your inbred parents doomed you with a low intellect. You should probably do the world, and metal scene a favor and KILL YOURSELF.