IDAHO IS FOR JUGGALOEZ

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I spent Independence Day up in God's Country, in the lovely wooded mountainsides of Couer d'Alene, Idaho. Anticipating fun in the sun and suds on the lake, I packed up my shades, my trunks, and my best pair of socks. This would be a vacation to remember!
But what I hadn't anticipated was the huge surplus of Juggalo Culture in the Northern Idaho/Eastern Washington area. I saw multiple ICP tattoos, T-shirts, bumper stickers and decals in the course of three days, which is remarkable considering I spent much of that time on a boat in the middle of a lake.
Yes, Idaho is a veritable cornucopia of Juggaloism, although the reason for its proliferation there remains a mystery. Perhaps it is a result of their relative isolation from higher learning facilities. Maybe it is the absence of decent protein sources. Whatever the case may be, Juggaloez (and, of course, Juggalettes) are undeniably out in FULL FORCE in the Couer d'Alene/Spokane area, leading me to a rather sizeable epiphany:

I NEED TO MOVE TO IDAHO.

Think about it. With that much blog fodder, I could be posting TWICE as much as I do now, exploiting Juggalo Culture for every last penny that it's worth. These Juggaloez need a voice! These Juggaloez need Illogical Contraption!

Realizing that drastic steps needed to be taken for my plan to reach fruition, I quickly dialed up the Idaho DMV to order my custom 'JUGGALO' vanity plates (below). If you're gonna do it, do it in style, right?

But alas, my plan was not meant to be. After clicking the 'check availabilty' button, I was confronted with the message shown below.


Shit. I should've known some crafty Juggalo would beat me to the punch.
So maybe Couer d'Alene isn't the place for me. I NEED those plates, man, and if I can't get 'em in Idaho, I'll just find them elsewhere. So next I hit up the Washington DMV. Spokane is only about 35 miles from Couer d'Alene, and also rife with Juggalo Culture. That could work.
Again, when I clicked the 'check availability' button, I was greeted with a similar sad message:



Oregon? Well, they don't have the internet in Oregon. Apparently they do everything by "mail". So fuck them.

But Surely Nevada could provide me with my custom 'JUGGALO' plates, right? I eagerly proceeded to the their DMV website, starting to get nervous about my prospects. Imagine my chagrine when I saw the following message:


What the FUCK, Nevada?! Not suitable? This, coming from the home of legalized prostitution and Congressional coke-binges?! How DARE you judge me, Nevada, and how DARE you sully the name of the Juggalo Family?

Finally giving up any hope of leaving California whatsoever, I returned, dejected, to the California DMV website. At least I could still get 'JUGGALO' vanity plates in my own state, right? RIGHT?!?!

Wrong.

Delaware?

Sorry, already taken.

Finally, my salvation came in the form of the Maine Department of Motor Vehicles, seemingly the only state with a 'JUGGALO' vanity plate still available.

God bless you, Maine. It seems that there may still be a bastion of hope left for the human race. You might be America's vestigial limb, but you'll always have a place in my heart.