Sunday, July 5, 2009
It's true. I'm a dick with humongous tits that you should all punch. I've been slacking like a hardened crust burger found near the dumpster outside of an In-N-Out fourteen days after a little pubeless Mormon kid decided to throw it at his Bro-Bro only Bro-Bro was ready for it because tossin' helluv Animal Style beef patties at each other is the new thing to do for any scrod worth his buzz cut across the great state of Cornifornia. Don't question my similes, copy them. Okay, excuses aside, I flaked hard and the Shelbomaster called me out so I decided to adjust my ass cheeks onto my crooked porcelain can and write you all this "sowwy" letter. I figured the only possible way to really let you know how awful I feel is to be telling you whilst simultaneously pushing the turtle passed the hare.
No, not really. Chicks don't take shits and you should all know that by now.
So let's see... here's a little bit of knowledge that I discovered a few minutes ago while drinking mini bottles of vodka in the chinchilla room I have in my basement (in case you didn't know, smelling rodent urine while intoxicating oneself does wonders for uncovering scientifical facts).
* * GET READY FOR NEWS ALMOST AS MASSIVE AS MY CLEAVAGE * *
On April 1, 1961, Jim Bakker concocted his soon-to-be wife Tammy Faye out of the only living pig-penis hybrid to have ever attended the North Central Bible College in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Holy mother of hog heads, it's true!!
Evidence #1 - The "Penignis" that Jim slaughtered to construct Tammy's face:
Evidence #2 - Rare footage mid-operation:
Evidence #3 - Tammy going through the pig penis portal:
Evidence #4 - Jim, molested pussy, and post-op Tammy (notice the collar holding her "head" in place):
Evidence #5: Jim Bakker loves the cock
P.S. Expect more posts from your friendly fecal token female soon (and if more than a couple weeks ever lapse again then call this bitch out sooner because don't you know a woman only works when you dig the iron claws of pressure into her buttocks and give her a good public spanking).
P.P.S. Let it be known that the author of this post who happens to run her own editing business is not responsible for the typographical error on the photo of the peckerless fat man at the top of the page. The author of this post knows the difference between "to" and "too" but does not unfortunately have the pirated software necessary to modify her pilfered internet images and even if she did she might not make the correction anyway because she enjoys writing post scripts too much.
P.P.P.S. The word "internet" in the above post script refers to the netting in a man's swimming trunks that securely keep his junk in place. That's why it's not capitalized. Duh.