Monday, July 6, 2009



I only have ONE issue with the 2001 horror/comedy/musical/vampire/kung fu flick Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, and it is as follows: This movie was MADE to be a B-movie/"cult" classic, right down to the grainy, shot-on-film look and over-dubbed dialog, which, as most film geeks can tell you, instantly PREVENTS it from being such a film. Such self-aware, "ironic" production reeks of smug hipsterism, and is the only issue with an otherwise spectacular movie.
Check out the preview:

I won't let politics and chin-stroking philosophical speculation get in the way of this one.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is actually a REALLY GOOD movie, with plenty of blood, chuckles, and absurd moments. JCVH has an absolutely sky-high "WTF factor", right down to the film's basic plot. Which is as follows:
Jesus Christ has risen once again. Luckily, he's just in time to fight off hordes of atheists and vampires, who (for some reason) have decided to target the lesbian population of Ottawa, Canada, in their bid for world domination. But Jesus ain't down with that shit. Much ass-kicking and ridiculous dialog ensue, along with several musical numbers (below) performed with deadpan precision by an entirely amateur cast.

Heart-staking, roundhouse kicking, and judo-chopping his way to justice, Jesus (Phil Caracas) takes out legions of foes during the course of just over 80 minutes, leaving scores of dead, injured, and Baptized foes in his wake. This movie is just amateur enough to be charming and just professional enough to be watchable. It strikes a great balance of camp vs. art, and while the cheesiness is on purpose, it doesn't make it any less funny.
Stupid, yes, but well thought-out stupidity. Low budget fun for the whole family, a movie that I would recommend to anyone with a taste for the finer things in cinema. As the tagline proclaims: "The power of Christ impales you!"

Watch Jesus kick the shit out of a bunch of atheists! Go Jesus go!

Or how 'bout a musical number?

Another bonus in JCVH is the baffling inclusion of a luchador halfway through the film, who helps Jesus out in the course of his Biblical ass-kickery. While I was originally under the impression that the luchador was an uncredited appearance by Mexican folk hero/wrestler Santo (right), a quick Wikipedia search quickly proved me wrong. You see, Santo passed away in 1984. The man behind the mask in JCVH (below) is actually someone named Jeff Moffett, playing a character named "Santos".
Again, what the fuck!? Trick me once, Jesus, shame on you. Trick me twice...

Watch the WHOLE thing (in 9 parts) on YouTube.
Or Netflix it.
Or buy it. Whatever.



RyGar said...

No. No, no, no. This is the worst movie I ever watched. Worse than "House Bunny", worse than "Return to Sleepaway Camp", worse than watching porn your parents videotaped in the eighties. Never, ever, ever, would I watch this again.

Shelby Cobras said...

I find your lack of faith... Disturbing.

Shelby Cobras said...

And House Bunny wasn't THAT bad.