Saturday, July 4, 2009

Eureka Summed Up In One Screenshot

This blog's head writer (head) frequently goes on about Eureka (and how much it sucks or whatever). This is interesting to the nineteen readers who are all also from Eureka but for the great unwashed masses out there who don't understand I offer this screenshot with detailed analysis below:

We'll do this top-to-bottom:

1. Weather. It's May 14 and the high is 62 and the low is 48. That's pretty cold. It's also an accurate weather forecast for every single other day of the year. The local weather guy used to do a bit called "3 Degree Guarantee" where he'd guess the temperature and give somebody money if he wasn't within 3 degrees of the actual high temperature for that day. This weather man was a drunken idiot, like most of them, and he still got it right every day. Why? Because it's easy when the total range of possible temperatures is around 8 degrees for the entire year.

Alternate Position: Some find Eureka a charming and comfortable place to live due to this highly predictable and rather mild climate.

2. The Times-Standard. It's the worst paper in America. Every 20 years or so they attract good reporters and cover real news. Then they fire all those people (who go on to glorious careers editing major papers throughout the US) and replace them with a roomful of inbreds (Eureka natives). Check out the quality writing on this blurb. Bad sentences, fear of using words longer than one syllable, massively hilarious typo. Nevermind that on that same day there was surely something more newsworthy than this Wednesday night discussion of maybe, possible budget cuts.

Alternate Position: You can do all kinds of fucked up shit and it'll never make the paper.

3. Pathetic smallness. Yes, the proposed budget cuts may save $3. You know your city is too fucking small when you discuss budget numbers that are less than the amount of money in my car's ashtray.

Alternate Position: Fuckin' awesome, the cop budget is like $20. Let's drink in public and sell weed out of drive-throughs.

For added amusement I suggest visiting to take a virtual stroll through Eureka, California. Sorry about the pop-ups.


Anonymous said...

Until you've been to Weaverville you have a thriving metropolis in Eureka.

Where's the stats on the overly flabby arms of Eureka's male populace? Shelby only? Gotcha.

Charles T Heckler said...

Stop hating on Weaverville. Continue hating on Shelby flab.

Shelby said...

Jim Bernard was the '3 degree guarantee' guy. Were you around when that anchorman Samuel Lewin started showing up to Eureka parties, all smacked out and creepy? That was a weird phase.

Fuck you.

Charles T Heckler said...

All Channel 3 newscasters are hilarious. Eureka is the smallest TV market in the country with local news (due to geographic isolation). This means that it's literally the bottom-rung of local TV news. If you're any good you'll get a better job within a few months. If you're terrible, it's the only place you'll have a job.