Tuesday, November 24, 2009



STALLION has quickly ascended the ranks of my Hero Scale since I first discovered his work yesterday, and now lies somewhere between Ronnie James Dio and Rob Cranny in overall accumulation of Hero Points. STALLION is a Force of Nature, a self-described "world class magician, mentalist, ice dancer and escape artist" who has "left a trail of spellbound victims across the United States and Europe." He has developed his own martial art (Majudo) and also teaches traffic school. STALLION is a champion, a warrior, a friend of the downtrodden.
You should probably go to his website immediately and have a look around.
Go ahead. I'll wait.

But there is some confusion as to who STALLION really is. The only evidence that he ever existed (internet-wise) comes from 2005, almost as if he vanished into thin air afterwards (or possibly ascended to a higher plane of existence....?) and his website has only received 35,400 hits in the last four years (right). Failed internet prank or real-life awesomeness?

A little bit of both, if we are to believe this article that appeared in the San Francisco Bay Guardian four years ago. As it turns out, STALLION is the alter-ego of Ted Ellison, bass player of the long-running Bay Area art-rock band Fuck (I'd love to give you a link to their Myspace page, but YOU try Googling "fuck myspace"). While Ted's all-encompassing love for magic and theatrics lends quite a bit credence to the STALLION mystique, it's also quite obvious that his tongue is placed firmly in cheek.

And of course STALLION is a musician, too. Check out the awesome jams on the web page for STALLION's traffic school or the page entitled "For Lovers Only" ("Edgy Sex Ninja Role Play!"). Totally rippin'!
He'll even teach you "...how to treat your lady like a Golden Squaw with (his) 5 point simultaneous 20 digit massage."
Maybe you should go have a look at his website now.

Let STALLION teach you about The Magic of Giving:

What does STALLION think about women?:

Above: Majudo can be spelled with or without the "E", because STALLION is mysterious like that.

When STALLION isn't busy reading minds, kicking ass Majudo style, playing sweet guitar solos, motivating high school students, quoting the Bible, or hunting deer, he still finds time to train COLT (right), the youngest member of Team Cherokee and the inheritor of STALLION's magical legacy. Colt is "Red Hot". Don't believe it? Watch this video.
Then watch this trailer (?) for Fogstorm, STALLION's upcoming (in 2005, at least) movie/stage production/all-out media invasion:

There are many more STALLION videos on YouTube, all of them with somewhere between 200 and 3,200 views each. It seems that most people have not yet encountered the STALLION Legacy. Illogical Contraption wishes to put an end to this ignorance. Go check out STALLION's website forthwith. Together we can give this legend the respect he deserves, and possibly even get his hit counter up to 35,500!

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