NEON NIGHTS

Incredibly Coked-Out 1986 Movie Producer #1: "Wow, this Neon Maniacs flick sure is an enormous hunk of pulsating shit. How the fuck are we ever gonna get people to go watch it?"
Incredibly Coked-Out 1986 Movie Producer #2: "Fuck if I know, dude. Maybe a really extremely offensively off-putting and nonsensical tagline on the cover of the VHS box?"
Incredibly Coked-Out 1986 Movie Producer #1: "You fucking NAILED IT, buddy. There's really no other way to sell a flaccid turd like this. But what will it say?"
Incredibly Coked-Out 1986 Movie Producer #2: "How about 'We spent our entire budget on shitty costumes'? Or maybe 'Turgid rehash of every half-baked monster flick ever filmed'?"
Incredibly Coked-Out 1986 Movie Producer #1: "Nah, too obvious. We need something vague. Something barely within the periphery of coherent human cognition."
Incredibly Coked-Out 1986 Movie Producer #2: "HOLY SHIT, I've got it! This is gonna be huge... You ready?... 'NIGHT FALLS. SO DO THEIR VICTIMS'."
Incredibly Coked-Out 1986 Movie Producer #1: "Good god... We might be able to convince people to spend money on this piece of shit after all..."


It was through a brief passage in the spectacular tome Zombie Movies: The Ultimate Guide by Glenn Kay (recently purchased as a gift for yours truly by the unceasingly awesome girlfriending-unit known as Sweet Baby Jay) that I became acquainted with the ill-conceived train wreck known as Neon Maniacs, a film that has proven itself, upon further retrospection, to be one of the finest examples of cocaine-hullucination zombie-splatter-horror numbskulled excess in the entire history of such things.

Observe:



Just to dispel any doubts: YES, THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING HORRIBLE.
But it is horrible in a way that is supremely enjoyable to watch, as the poor, transfixed viewer is quickly enslaved by the viciously captivating thought--"HOW COULD THIS GET ANY STUPIDER?" The amazing part, of course, is that Neon Maniacs KEEPS FINDING NEW WAYS to get stupider for the duration of an hour and a half. It is amazing. I cannot give a film a higher recommendation.
Plot? What plot? Dialogue? Who needs it? "Characters"? Neon Maniacs doesn't even know the meaning of the word. This movie's head is so far up its own ass that it's brilliant.



In all fairness, though, we do need to take a minute to discuss the "series of words, images, and motions" that pass for this film's "plot".
Okay, here it comes: there are a bunch of monsters dudes in rubber suits living inside the Golden Gate Bridge. At night, they kill high school students.

THE END.

Really, there isn't much more to the story. There's a shitty band, some sort of garbled attempt at romantic tension, and some motorcycles or something, but none of these elements are essential to the nexus of the film. The zombie guys (if they are in fact zombies, as such things are not actually explained) are the focal point that Neon Maniacs wishes for us to concentrate on, Axe and Chopper and Samurai and Lazer and, well, fuck... I'm probably just making these names up. But the point is, these are the "maniacs" the film's title alludes to, and such grandoise titularity would seem to imply some sort of, I don't know, exposition. Or at least organization. But alas, Maniacs offers none.

Fucking SO INTENSE:



Left: Is that the dude from The Karate Kid?

Did I mention that the film's director, Joseph Mangine (go ahead and say it out loud) retired was never allowed to direct another film, ever, after the release of this abomination? Because it's true. Mangina slunk off in shame, leaving Neon Maniacs as his last will and testament--a twisted, confusing, retarded, and ultimately brilliant epic on par with Ulysses or War And Peace. Shit, gold. Gold, shit.

Luckily the lack of coherent plot, character development, acting skills, or competent special effects is completely offset by a vicious fucking soundtrack comprised of raw, Satanic black metal psychedelia:



Alright, alright. Apologies in advance, but when it comes to Neon Maniacs, there is a MAJOR spoiler involved--one that I can't help but share with you fuckers (as if any of you were gonna go watch it anyways): You want deus ex machina? Well Neon Maniacs has a cop-out plot-twist that makes War of The Worlds look like Machiavelli.
Check it out: Just when it has become apparent that the aforementioned high school students have no hope for survival and will surely suffer painful and heinous death at the hands of our furry, latex friends, the route for escape presents itself...
WATER. Throw fucking WATER on the Maniacs and they fucking die. The end. Did I mention that they LIVE INSIDE THE FUCKING GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???

Wow. Just... Stunning. You should probably watch this movie over and over until your eyelids shrivel and fall off from dehydration. Luckily you can now do so, for free, in HD, right HERE.

Netflix it/Buy it