Friday, November 6, 2009

EXCLUSIVE I.C. SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH: THE HIGGS BOSON PARTICLE... EXPOSED!!!


Well, it's official. The good ol' Large Hadron Collider is down for repairs again. No big surprise, as it's happened before, but this time there is a bit of a twist. Allow me to explain:
One of the main objectives of the LHC is the location of the elusive Higgs boson, an as-of-yet hypothetical subatomic particle that, when and if it is found, will hypothetically explain ALL the mysteries of modern quantum physics, from time travel to the origin of the universe to the Grand Unification Theory to who will win this season's Top Chef. But the multi-billion-zillion dollar Collider has been having all sorts of unexplainable problems lately, especially in regards to the search for the Higgs boson, almost as if it is being plagued by a gaggle of nefarious, invisible Gremlins.
This is where it gets silly. Several top scientists, including Danish string theorist Holger Bech Nielsen and Japanese physicist Masao Ninomiya, have proposed that the Higgs boson is actually fucking with the very fabric of the space-time continuum, or, in their words (and this is a direct quote): "(The particle) might be so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the collider before it could make one, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather." Seriously. Check it out.
A time-travelling, self-aware subatomic particle ripping through the very medium of the fourth dimension, seeking to stop modern science from ever discovering it in the first place? Whoa.
Now HERE'S where it gets exciting.
I am proud to announce that Illogical Contraption's very own research department (namely the Quantum Mechanics Subdivision of Illogical Contraption Recombinant DNA Laboratories, Inc., located in Tempe, AZ) has procured irrefutable proof of the existence of the Higgs boson, thanks to their tireless, round-the-clock studies. That's right: Illogical Contraption has succeeded where modern science has failed. I now present the most significant and groundbreaking scientific specimen ever, ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF THE ELUSIVE PARTICLE.

BEHOLD - THE HIGGS BOSON, IN ALL ITS GLORY!:



Take that, quantum physics!

2 comments:

atanamar said...

Complete fucking win. That made my day.

m. alexander said...

i love this blog.