Friday, April 2, 2010


There's not much to say:

Do I hate this? Do I love this? My mind is blown.

Full disclosure, guys: I play in a dinosaur-themed death metal band, and this... Well, does this upset me? Does this please me? Do I attempt to befriend Hevisaurus or attempt to destroy them with every fiber of my being? I have no previous frame of reference with which to gauge my reaction. I am baffled.

First, some background:

Hevisaurus are a Finnish "children's metal" band (just try to wrap your head around that one for a minute), composed (reportedly) of current and former members of Sonata Arctica, Stratovarius, and Yngwie and Dio's bands. Surfacing mid-to-late last year, Hevisaurus has taken the world of Finnish children's entertainment by storm, and are already (if we are to believe the video) playing small arenas. And yes, they actually play their instruments. There are holes cut out in the "hands" of their suits.
Insider information from You Ain't No Picasso, who had the pleasure (???) of catching their second-ever live performance:

"After the show I talked to someone from Sony Finland who was working with (created?) the group. Apparently the idea is that there would be different musicians to play Hevisaurus all around the world. Since all you need is a group of good metal musicians who don’t mind dressing up as dinosaurs and calling each other by names like “Riffi Raffi” and “Muffi Puffi,” you could have quite a few Hevisauruses touring the world at the same time. Really, it’s genius in a mad sort of way. And if it ever catches on, I’ll be able to say that I saw the first incarnation of Hevisaurus playing their second live show ever. You know, in case the residents of the nursing home where I live are very easily impressed."

Their website. Their Myspace.

The basic equation:

OK, fine. Whatever. It's all in good fun.

But then there's this:

Consider Hevisaurus guitarist "Riffi Raffi".

What the fuck is this shit?
Dude wears a fucking cross around his neck?
Maybe I'm pointing out the obvious here, but don't the basic tenets of Christianity DENY that dinosaurs ever existed? The rejection of Darwinism/evolution and all that?
What is this teaching the CHILDREN, Riffi Raffi? Like Marilyn Manson, you too must consider the effects your actions will have on today's youth. It's either Jesus OR dinosaurs. No middle ground, dude.

This performance features a character named Rony "The Little Gene", who is an eight-year-old kid in armor and corpsepaint playing hand drums. Again, my brain is unable to process this input:

Hevisaurus, "Viimeinen mammutti", which translates loosely to “farewell to the last Mammoth” (METAL in theory, right?). This is kind of like their "power ballad":

Below: Apparently, Finnish children are raised on a steady diet of pop metal and Jagermeister.

(Also, I must point out that I began writing this post before I noticed that Metalsucks had covered it, too. And I've got to admit: it hurts a little to see a post entitled "Dinosaur Metal" over there without a picture of MY BAND. Jealous? Maybe a little. But come on, man. If you're going to mix dinosaurs with your metal it should be brutal, thrashing death metal, right? Right? And CRETACEOUS was playing "dino-metal" FIRST. Fuckers.)

So yeah. I don't know what to say. Two of the core concepts I base my life around (heavy metal and dinosaurs) have been exploited, and it seems like a threat to my value system. On one hand, the quality of the music is total ass, but is it such a bad thing to feed thy children metal at such a young and impressionable age? Never. I've shared my thoughts on the cute-ification of metal before, but this time, the lines seem blurrier. Is Hevisaurus worthy of my derision, or am I just threatened by the fact that my band will no longer be the first result when you Google "dino-metal"? This is some next-level cognitive dissonace, man.

At this point, I should mention that the whole Hevisaurus conundrum came to my attention via the Trappy Award-nominated blog Bang Your Head Or I'll Rip It Off, written by Illogical Bro and Pro Hessian Billoney. Coincidentally, I received an entry for the IC Coloring Contest from ol' Bill this morning, and even though he missed the deadline, I still feel compelled to share it with you all:

Yup. Ronald Reagan = King Diamond. Damn.

And speaking of cognitive dissonance, brain pain, and shit that makes no sense together:

Ever wonder why no one has combined your three favorite subjects -- gay foot-fetish porn, Mexican food, and lycanthropy -- before? Wonder no more. Enter the world of Taco Gaywolf HERE.

(It's actually pretty tame -- mostly just pictures of dude in his underwear and a werewolf mask holding handfuls of shredded lettuce... Or is it?!?!?)


Cory said...

this band is really good!

Aylmer said...

End Times A Comin'!

Shelby Cobras said...

Hevisaurus and Salem should tour

RyGar said...

Don't stress too hard about it, bro. At least there is still only one real and kick ass Dino-Metal band, and you're in it. This shit happens to me all the time with skateboarding. People bite your most treasured cultural totems and turn them into Jar Jar Binks. It's always going to happen, but that doesn't mean you/we have to care. Death to false maetal, all hail Cretaceous!