Thursday, April 8, 2010


Pissing away time over at the wonderful recently, I came across a short post that quickly captured my imagination and sent my mind reeling. Entitled 'The ’80s were right! Only absurd facial makeup can save you from the surveillance state', the article was originally published at and dealt with the emerging science of biometrics, the New World Order, Lady Gaga and Blade Runner.

The term "biometrics" refers to electronic means of identification, or as Wikipedia puts it: "Biometrics comprises methods for uniquely recognizing humans based upon one or more intrinsic physical or behavioral traits. In computer science, in particular, biometrics is used as a form of identity access management and access control. It is also used to identify individuals in groups that are under surveillance."
Did that last part give you the creeps? Because it should. The more conspiracy-minded individuals amongst us (damn them!) have posited that biometrics are, in fact, an apparatus of the New World Order, a quick way of locating (and possibly, terminating) all citizens on the planet when the so-called Curtain drops.
Or, as phrases it: "What is Biometric Facial Recognition Used For? This is Yet One More Way for the Banking Elite to Control and Track Us for Their Police State NWO Agenda."

Most computer-based biometric systems are based on the Viola-Jones algorithm for facial recognition, which maps out your face via mathematic coding and saves it for future reference. The Technoccult/Switched piece makes the claim that by decking out your face in Darryl Hannah-in-Blade Runner or Lady Gaga-esque makeup (see image at top of post), you can actually avoid being recognized biometrically, and hence, keep yourself out of the nefarious NWO database. Makes sense, right? The fact that Lady Gaga is an Illuminati/NWO pawn should serve as sufficient proof.

So CAN YOU in fact avoid becoming a victim of Project Bluebeam by wearing asymmetrical corpsepaint? Let's consult our team of professionals and attempt to obtain a coherent answer...

First off, let's check with The King himself:

As you can tell from this photo, King Diamond is fond of the rightside-up-cross-on-right-cheek/upside-down-cross-on-left-cheek look, indicating that he is most likely in on the secret and avoiding biometric inclusion in the NWO database. Being the all-knowing and all-powerful metal wizard that he is, King has applied his corpsepaint in a haphazard, asymmetrical fashion, assuring his position as a future leader of The Resistance.
But not all black metallers have received the memo.

Dude from Australian BM band The Furor: "OH SHIT I JUST GOT PWNT BY THE CIA!"

These kids will most likely be OK (note asymmetrical corpsepaint on the fatty to the left):

The picture is a little too blurry to make a judgement call on these guys. I just thought they looked pretty awesome. Plus, they have a dog.

Tough call here, but if you look closely the answer will reveal itself. Only the two Bros on the left are going to avoid detection and cataloging by the CIA, due to their slipshod method of facepainting. No symmetry there. I hate to say it, but if YOU are lucky enough to avoid capture post-NWO, these two guys will probably be your Drill Sergeants in The Resistance. Bummer.
Side note: What's with that cheeseball over there on the far right? Is that a red velvet-lined cape? What's with the choker necklace and "I'm-gonna-tickle-you" smile? Wait a minute! Is that fucker wearing a Bumpit?!?!

On the other hand, these two aspiring black metal warriors are indeed doomed:

And what about KISS? If we are to judge these kvlt BM forefathers by the symmetrical/asymmetrical standard, one sad conclusion presents itself:

That's right.

Unfortunately, only Paul Stanley would make it. There is no justice.


Steven said...

Curiously, Iron Maiden's 'Number of the Beast' came up in rotation on the iPod yesterday: (Ahem!) ...Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number...

I was stuck by this thought - 'human number' doesn't mean 'comprehensible by a human.' It means 'a human reduced to a number.' (Maybe)

Steven said...

Dang, I mean "I was struck."

Anyway, I'll remember to NOT use a mirror when I'm kulting up.

Camellia sinensis said... are number 6.