Friday, December 11, 2009


Thanks to our old friend Sergeant D and his constant eye on fashion, I am now aware of a clothing company called Warriors of Radness, a young upstart whose main gimmick is capitalizing on the idea of "90's Retro". Indeed, the 80's Retro thing is long gone, and if current market trends are any indicator, the days of Hammer pants, Hypercolor, Starter jackets, and Oakleys are on their way back. The 00's were a time to reflect on the Reagan Years, but with the '10s approaching, fashion, culture, and society at large must also look to the future of the past, updating style, music, and media accordingly. The 80's are dead. Long live the 90's!

But as you all know by now, Illogical Contraption refuses to conform to trends or "obey the rules". Like all good purveyors of speculative fiction, we stay "ahead of the curve" around here, in fact, we haven't even seen the curve... SINCE THE 90'S!!!
It is for this very reason that I've chosen to post a fond farewell to the 90's this morning, saying goodbye to tomorrow's trends today as symbolic proof of just how FAR in the future the collective I.C. subconcious really dwells. We are already way beyond 90's Retro around here, so far, in fact, that we're actually approaching PRESENT RETRO.
But I've said too much already.

First off, I'd like to say goodbye to that defining bastion of 90's technology, Virtual Reality. The Lawnmower Man introduced us to untold realms of far-flung fantasy, and The Future of the 90's seemed like an impossibly majestic place indeed. Floating through pixelated landscapes of nearly-three-dimensional wonder taught us all to dream, and escape from the drudgery of real life was always as near as the local mall.
But Virtual Reality never really caught on as well as its creators had hoped, and is now naught but a distant memory of simpler times and heavier headgear. So goodbye, Virtual Reality. Goodbye forever.
I guess I have no choice but to forget your clunky familiarity and grudgingly welcome the sleek sexiness of "modern" VR. Alas...

So long, Slap Bass.
We sure had some good times. Flea, Les Claypool, and Victor Wooten all had you on speed-dial for a while, old friend, but it seems that your time has passed. The sound of your thunderous lows and snapping highs was indeed the Sound of the 90's, and music just won't be the same without you. You were the highlight of Lollapalooza and the true star of 120 Minutes and Alternative Nation. You were the heartbeat of a decade, Slap Bass, and sadly, the heartbeat has stopped.
But the sad dirge that commemorates your passing will echo through the halls of all eternity:

Goodbye, Barbwire Tattoos and The Crow. You will be missed.

Farewell, Hacky Sack. You were The Sport of the 90's, and we all share some happy memories of booting you about. "Kicking sack" surpassed even baseball to become America's Pastime there for awhile, and the 90's just wouldn't have been the same without you.
Countless college students spent hours upon hours "footbagging down in the quad", and your untimely passing surely resonates with them all.

Below: Apparently, The Jonas Brothers didn't get that memo.

Speaking of good times down on the quad: Auf wiedersehen, White Guys With Short Dreadlocks.
Never have a race, gender, and hairstyle combined so powerfully to define a generation, and your struggle for cultural acceptance was the struggle of all society. You taught us a little bit about ourselves, Short Dreads, not only about brotherhood and tolerance but also about how to cut loose and have a good time every now and then. Those dudes from Counting Crows and Barenaked Ladies understood.
We shed a tear for all White Guys With Short Dreadlocks today, not only because they taught us to love, but because the 90's would have been a significantly less "mellow" place without them.

That goes for you too, Jon Favreau as "Gutter" in PCU. You were the best White Guy With Short Dreadlocks of them all, and you defined the very term "grunge". We salute you, and miss you dearly.

Goodbye, Murphy Brown. Sleep tight, Pegged Jeans.

I'd also like to bid an especially fond adieu to Alicia Silverstone In Aerosmith Videos. Never have so many elements combined so perfectly to create something so absolutely 90's.
I was crying when I met you, Alicia Silverstone In Aerosmith Videos. And now I'm trying to forget you. But I know I never will.

Last but not least, I'd like to give a farewell kiss to you, Laserdisc Technology. You seemed bound for great things, Laserdisc, but alas, you fell by the wayside, trod underfoot by the approach of DVDs. It hardly seems fair: What is a Laserdisc, really, but just a gigantic DVD? Bigger is better. It's the American way.
But America didn't understand. And now you are nothing but a fading memory, Laserdisc Technology. You shone brightly and briefly. We miss you terribly.

And so long, Laserdisc Copy of Timecop Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. I'll miss you most of all.

So what's next for "retro"? Is it already time to begin embracing the early 00's? Ben Affleck? Madonna and Britney Spears kissing? Castaway? 9/11 T-shirts?
Perhaps we are reaching that crucial juncture where merely existing in the NOW constitutes "being retro". Has "retro" caught up with the present?

Or is THE FUTURE retro?!?!?

For example: Remember that post I wrote tomorrow*? That shit was CLAAAASSIC.

Shit. I just blew my OWN MIND!


Gary said...

nooo! the slap bass will never die!! :(

Shelby Cobras said...

Let it go, Gary.

Slap Bass is gone, and there's nothing anyone can do to bring it back. After denial comes acceptance, and after acceptance, grief. Let me know if you need a shoulder to cry on.

The Goodkind said...

Laserdisc was really a product of the 80's that couldn't compete against VHS and Beta. It's death was merely protracted into the 90's when it's own child the DVD drove the final nail into it's flat square 18" coffin.

ceeSTARR said...

Alas! Let us not ignore the bunghole of all 90s …RAVE. Pegged jeans were untucked, paving the way for jeans so wide, the wearer was literally swimming in fabric. Sure ravers dressed like 5 year olds on acid, but if you eat enough ecstasy you stop caring what you look anyways.

Shelby Cobras said...

Haha! Well done, Mrs. A!
That's exactly what this post was missing, a section on RAVE. Good to hear from you.
I was actually wondering to myself today: "I wonder if any females ever read this blog..."