Tuesday, February 2, 2010


It's that time of year again: Awards Season.
With the Grammys and the Golden Globes in the bag and the Oscars quickly approaching, I decided it was time for Illogical Contraption's first awards ceremony, with winners chosen by a diverse and accomplished panel of ME.

So welcome to the Trappys, my friends: An award ceremony recognizing the best of music, movies, and the internet for the last year or so. 10 categories. 40 nominees. The winners will recieve their very own Trappy and the smug satisfaction of knowing that they are better than everyone else. For the losers: Shame. Never-ending, soul-shattering SHAME.

I might not be the most well-informed guy, and my opinions on music and movies might not be that popular. But I wanted to let you guys know what has been blowing my mind for the last year or so. And yes, I've left out plenty of people, places, and things that deserve inclusion here. I hope no one's feelings get hurt, but I'm just trying not to think too hard today. Deal with it.

With all that being said, I believe now is as good a time as any to begin.

We'll start with the blogosphere...


The nominees:

- I Kicked Your Car In The Balls: A blog about scrotums, automotive and otherwise, active since December 2009.
- Blog Bodies: If the MLB All-Star Game was a music blog, it would be Blog Bodies. Active since July 2009.
- Bang Your Head Or I'll Rip It Off!: A humorous romp through the world of metal. Written by qualified Hessian Billoney since September '09.
- The Beast Beats: Year-old blog nominated on the strength of that groundbreaking interview CeeStar did with the guitarist from Cretaceous. Epic.

And the Trappy goes to....

I KICKED YOUR CAR IN THE BALLS! (hold for applause)

What can I say? I'm a sucker for bad jokes about testicles. Here's to a long and prosperous future. Nice work.


The nominees:

- Metal Inquisition: Recently asassinated by Stuff You Will Hate.
- MetalSucks: A blog where teenagers go to whine about "melodic deathcore".
- Invisible Oranges: Cosmo Lee knows more about metal than you.
- Hipsters Out Of Metal!: And Hessians out of indie rock (R.I.P. since Nov '09, bummer).

And the Trappy goes to....

METAL INQUISITION! (hold for applause)

Sure, M.I. has floundered in recent months ever since Sergeant D bailed to go krump-dancing and making graffiti with the kids or whatever. But over the course of the last year, no other blog made me laugh as freguently (or as hard) as this one did. Hopefully Lucho and the gang can pull off some sort of magical resurrection in the near future. Bonus points for covering shitty death metal from the 90's instead of hanging off the hipster beardo metallers' nuts like everyone else. Respect.


The nominees:

- Kick To Kill: Lots and lots and lots and lots of weird shit. Bluegrass, gangster rap, kvlt BM, Bay Area grindcore? Sure, whatever.
- Cosmic Hearse: That one blog where the drummer from Ludicra says funny stuff about albums you've never heard of before.
- [shiny grey monotone]: Just plain kicks ass.
- True Punk & Metal: An accurate name for an epic blog.

And the Trappy goes to....

COSMIC HEARSE! (hold for applause)

Seriously. No one else combines clever, insightful writing and amazing, obscure musical treasures quite like Aesop does. I don't know where he finds this stuff. Kvlt black metal cassette demos one day, Ram Jam's sophomore album the next, and an album by Freddy Kruger or Ultraman the next. Dude keeps you guessing.


The nominees:

- Monster Brains: Lots of awesome art involving all manner of monsters. Updated (almost) daily!
- Asides-Bsides: Greek comics FTW!
- Andrei Bouzikov's Art Blog: Dude paints album covers for Skeletonwitch, Cannabis Corpse and Municipal Waste. Nothing wrong with that.
- Anything by degelh: That guy is a fucking weirdo.

And the Trappy goes to....

ASIDES-BSIDES! (hold for applause)

Because of that sweet Greek metal post Helm did for IC yesterday. Fuck all.
He also lets his cat post on his blog, which I support 100%.

Honorable Mention - Hot Chicks Smiling At Ground Zero: This blog is beyond art. Far beyond.

Now for the non-blog world...

First up, music...


I don't listen to a lot of "new" music, so I'm pretty much completely unqualified to make a call here. But that never stopped me before...

The nominees:

- Blackholicus: Awesome NWOBHM-esque shredfest from Austin, TX.
- Latrommi: Most False And Ungrim.
- The GEORGE JEFFERSON STARSHIP TROOPERS: So esoteric, they don't even exist yet.
- Dutch Windmill: Featuring members of other, better bands.

And the Trappy goes to....

BLACKHOLICUS! (hold for applause)

I've got to thank Seanford for introducing me to this awesome group. From the name, I was expecting generic hipster black metal a la Nachtmystium. But what I got was rock-solid, female-fronted, riff-heavy mayhem that combines all the best elements of METAL from 1970 onward. I don't know shit about new bands. But I know Blackholicus rules.


Again, what the fuck do I know about "new" music? Again, who cares?

The nominees:

- Mastodon - Crack This Guy (HAHA JUST KIDDING, FUCK THIS BAND.)
- Dethklok - Dethalbum II: Fuck off, I like Dethklok.
- Brutal Truth - Evolution Through Revolution: For drug crazed grind freaks only.
- Slough Feg - Ape Uprising: Ball-clutching simian Maiden worship. What's not to love?

And the Trappy goes to....

DETHALBUM II! (hold for applause)

Fuck off, I like Dethklok.


I don't go to many shows. Totally unqualified. Whatevs.

The nominees:

- The Metal Masters Tour: Judas Priest, Heaven & Hell, Motorhead, and Testament at the Shoreline Pavilion.
- At The Gates & Repulsion at The Fillmore.
- Reunited Carcass at The Regency Ballroom.
- Dethklok attempts to burn down The Fillmore.

And the Trappy goes to....

THE METAL MASTERS TOUR! (hold for applause)

C'mon! Lemmy, Dio, and Halford all in the same fucking place?!?! Forget about it!

In the movie world...


Not the greatest year for movies, to be sure. But there were a couple decent flicks out there (hint: Daybreakers WASN'T one of them).

The nominees:

- Star Trek: Hopefully fueling another quarter century century of Kirk/Spock femslash.
- Avatar: Porn spinoff: Vagitar.
- District 9: Made me stop eating seafood.
- Rob Zombie's Halloween II: Just kidding.

And the Trappy goes to....

DISTRICT 9! (hold for applause).

Yeah, yeah. You all know Shelby Cobras as the "fuck CGI, shitty B movies from 1983 rule!" guy. But I'm not always That Guy. District 9 was the best (new) movie I saw last year. The CGI was unobtrusive, and the acting was not only believable but psychologically disturbing. It was a flick that worked on many levels.
The huge laser guns and biomech body-robot suits didn't hurt, either.


Click the link if you don't know what a 'knockbuster' is. Probably the best money-making scheme since the invention of money.

The nominees:

- Transmorphers: Fall of Man
- Snakes On A Train
- The Terminators
- The Woods Have Eyes

And the Trappy goes to....


It takes a very unique type of brilliance to come up with an idea this dumb. My hat is off to both The Asylum and Blockbuster, both of whom make a lot of money off of this type of stuff. Kudos.

And lastly...

10) LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD (I apologize, but our parent company Illogical Contraption Recombination DNA Laboratories, Inc. has demanded that we include the following category)


And the Trappy goes to....


(hold for applause)

So there you have it: My uninformed, poorly thought out picks for 2009/2010. I'm sure that most of you disagree with what The Academy has chosen, so feel free to add your own Trappy nominations down there in the 'Comments' section. Extra points if you cover all ten of these categories.

More Trappys 2/2/2011. Thank you, and good night.


Anonymous said...

Unfortunately I won't be making my own nominations because I'm totally out of it when it comes to music and shows, etc...
But I'll support your choices for best movie and best blog, District 9 was a brilliant film, with lots of controversy around it in internet comments land, and Cosmic Hearse is always a informative and interesting. And pat yourself on the back too. You've done a good job this year.

Helm said...

Much agree on District 9, awesome film! (thanks too!)

I like the Cosmic Hearse a lot too but Good Bad Music for Bad Bad Times takes my vote for best music blog.

Anonymous said...

I would say District 9 but I hate their accents for...obvious reasons.
Dutch Windmills should have totally won that shit, and will when you come see us slay. And then we'll win best show of the year cuz, who knows, maybe you'll come?!!?!

-Melanie "I need a blog profile" Manslaughter

PS-GEORGE JEFFERSON STARSHIP TROOPERS: workin on the outer space tour man. Workin' on it.

mikeTM said...

First off, I'm flattered by the win! Thanks for the wise choice on best new blog (you'll be getting a check in the mail soon, and a complimentary pair of car balls. There is no check, and there are no balls).

D9 was excellent, definitely got pretty stressed out from the psychological shit they made work so well. Also Blackholicus, dude, nice pick, and thanks for bringing them into the world of IC. Definitely a band I have to get around to seeing.

Shelby Cobras said...

Manslaughter - Whatever happened to "Wow, it's an honor just to be nominated"? You're basically Kanye West right now, nice job.

Mike - I already have a locked safe full of car balls in a secure warehouse in East Jersey, but thanks anyways. And don't worry about the check. Cash is fine.

codector said...

C'mon Dethklok? This is just a remake of Josie and the Pussycats (which is a remake of ___); I figured you hated remakes.

Shelby Cobras said...

Musically speaking, I would have to argue that Dethklok has very little in common with Josie and the Pussycats. It is a cartoon, yes, but I rather enjoy the music that Brendon Small composes. Call me crazy, but in my opinion the guy is brilliant.

Asa said...

Good Bad Music might make my top 10 if the dude wasn't so damned pretentious. Great music to be sure, but he just seems quite hostile

Shelby, on behalf of Blog Bodies-- thank you for our lil' nomination...your description is very complimentary and we appreciate it! I've become a rabid reader of the Contraption this year. Keep it up!

Aesop said...

Thanks, I will have to throw away some accolades to make room for my new Trappy on the mantle, but such is life.

Aesop said...

Oh, and best new blog: Terminal Escape.

Anonymous said...

Ok fine I am honored or whatever.
Be on the lookout for best upcoming cooking blog EVER: Bakin' with Bacon.
Eh? Eh?

Viagra said...

No link to Vagitar? Come on give the people what they want... don't leave us hanging around