It's no secret that we here at Illogical Contraption have had Renrock, Renaissance Faires, Ritchie Blackmore, and bad prog on the brain this week. I myself have something of a love/hate relationship with the Renaissance Faire, and apparently so do some of our readers. Thanks to Illogical Bro Lord Kabballash III (as well as an anonymous commentator), I now have concrete visual representation of the aforementioned love/hate relationship. Here are a couple of videos to help me explain. The sweet always comes with some lame, just as a good party always comes with a hangover.
Enough talk. Behold the SWEET:
The video you just watched featured a group of freaks known as Corvus Corax, who I have deliberately avoided researching because their reality could never possibly match the backstory I have created in my head.
From their elaborate dress and stupid haircuts (up to and including the percussionist's shaved head/mullet braid combo shown at left), it is fairly reasonable to assume that Corvux Corax are Burners. And they're dishing out some sort of techno/classical/Riverdance hybrid that I really can't get into. But I'm totally into THE CONCEPT. And here's why:
A) Corvus Corax consists of what appears to be about 400 people onstage, all at once, freaking out and banging on shit. I am OK with this.
B) Check out the choir of weird psuedo-Druid guys over there. Something tells me if you pulled one of their hoods back, you would totally be staring into the eyes of one of those creepy bald albino eunuch dudes from The DaVinci Code. Again, I am OK with this.
C) Right when things are at their strangest and most unsettling, A FUCKING CHARIOT FULL OF DUDES rolls into the concert hall. Needless to say, this doesn't happen at most concerts. +10 points.
D) The fucking Star Wars Dancers over here. I don't give a fuck who you are, if you can mash up Riverdance, German Homo-Rave, Medieval Times Restaurant, Princess Bride, AND Jabba's Palace.... Well, my hat if off to you, sir.
All in all, Corvus Corax has their shit together and knows how to put on a proper fucking show. Again, I don't really know anything about them and don't really want to, but to me they represent the kick-ass side of the Ren Faire set.
Also, they play venues that look like this:
Also of note: This video from Russian "Beer Folk Metal" band Troll Bends Fir. Awesome name, awesome song, awesome puffy shirts, awesome piccolo solos. If Renaissance Faires were more like a Troll Bends Fir concert, I would be far more inclined to attend one. Renmetal FTW.
Thanks again to Lord Kabballash III for the videos. I totally forgive you for your British ancestry.
And now, the LAME:
Q: What could possibly be any more embarassing or strenuous to your sense of common decency and shame than a Renaissance Faire?
A: The FUCKING FAIRY FEST, bro.
Here is everything BAD and WRONG about Renaissance Faires and those who attend them boiled down into 2 minutes of agonizing glory.
(Thanks to the anonymous reader who sent this one in as well.)
That's right. A goddman motherfucking FAIRY FEST (in South Elgin, Illinois of all fucking places). And this isn't the only one. They're everywhere. Everywhere! EVERYWHERE! EVERYWHERE!
There's not much I need to say about this video that isn't readily apparent at the outset. That "Malice of Forethought" guy disturbs me just as much as he does you, but I guess the narrator of the video puts it best:
"Malice might be fey, but then again he might not be. He might be a CHANGELING".
And yes, I tried to find "Malice of Forethought" on Myspace or whatever. No dice.
Don't even get me started on the Pirate Pickle Man and the phallic $1.00 treats he's dishing out to the kids at the Fairy Fest. Yeesh.
So yeah, I guess what it all boils down to is PRODUCTION VALUE. If you're going to Ren out, get a corporate sponsor and some decent costumes. And steer clear of changelings and the fucking PICKLE PIRATE.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to my Garfield fanfic.
1 hour ago