Thursday, November 19, 2009


Please don't take the title of this post the wrong way, as material possessions are not the main focus of my life by any means. I know that most of you probably assume that I'm a pretty high roller -- after all, the proprietorship of a blog as hugely popular as this one must have its perks. And it does, I won't lie. I am a WEALTHY MOTHERFUCKER, but I'm not going to brag about it.
As I sit here in the East Wing of my vast and sprawling estate (above, left), gazing out upon the rolling hills, sculptured hedges, and myriad garages and outbuildings that house my collection of rare and exotic automobiles, I reflect on the deeper substances of life, contemplating the ideas and thoughts that truly mean "fulfillment" and "success" to me. I mean, what kind of hollow, pathetic human being judges their own self worth in terms of material possessions? It's a disgusting way to live, and being the highly moralistic and intelligent guy that I am, I condemn it 100%. You see, I get my jollies off of a very different concept: Ownership of ideas.
But how can you own an idea? Beyond copyrights and intellectual property laws, how can someone actually, physically possess a concept? That's easy: Do a Google search on said idea.
If the #1 result is either YOU or YOUR WEBSITE, you OWN it. Those are the rules of the internet. I didn't make 'em.
So rather than taking another dip in my Money Bin, today I'd like to take a quick tour of things, ideas, words, and concepts that Illogical Contraption OWNS, via the rules of the internet.

We'll start out on familiar ground. As I pointed out in last week's 'How To Name Your Death Metal Band, Part 5', I.C. can now claim sole ownership of the term Bentonology (right), aka "the addition of superfluous and/or imaginary prefixes and suffixes to existing words to make them more metal". If you click the link, you will see that the Contraption's first article about Bentonology is also the first Google result for a "bentonology" search, which means it's MY term. But the second reference to Bentonology, in 'Part 5', is now the #2 result, so I actually DOUBLE OWN it. In fact, THIS post is bound to be the THIRD result within a couple of days, so you can see how this crazy cycle works. I will soon TRIPLE OWN Bentonology. This knowledge, to me, is more precious and valuable than any jewel in the hidden chamber behind the swivelling bookshelf near the fireplace in my enormous study.

Google image searches count, too. Say, for example, that you need a photo of the Holy Grail of obscure 80's toy lines, the Dino Riders Rulon T-Rex. Look at that, I.C. is once again the #1 result! The ramifications are staggering.
Like I said, material possessions are of no concern to me. But owning the idea of a material possession? Infinitely more rewarding.
In the course of the existence of this blog, I have also acquired ownership of a multitude of words and phrases in addition to "Bentonology". "Untidy nudity" is now mine, according to Google, as are the terms "late night hangover diarrhea fuel in a bag", "polish home video covers", "tigger slam", "codpiece synthesizer", and "Ronnie James Dio's ceramic frogs".
In an exciting turn of events, the term "steampunk juggalo" is now official property of Illogical Contraption as well, and in addition 5 of the first 6 pictures (including #1) that appear when you Google image search"steampunk juggalo" are from this website. Which means I've pretty much cornered the market on that particular cultural mash-up. And mark my words, you WILL be seeing small groups of Steampunk Juggaloes surfacing in malls and suburban areas by mid-2010. Just remember where you read it first.

Here's another exciting surprise: Illogical Contraption is now the #2 RESULT when you image search "Captain Power"! That means we're just a few hits away from owning the ENTIRE Captain Power And The Soldiers of the Future toy line/television franchise! Nice!

We've also got the top 3 image search results for "zombie cyborg hitler", but surprisingly, the image at left isn't among them. Hm.

There are dozens (if not hundreds) more, but I haven't the time to list all of them. I'm having tea with the general manager of the Westminster Cricket Team at 3 pm sharp.

And remember, it's not all fun and games. It seems that the Cro-Magnon television station Spike TV has stolen MY term "Mantlers", and now holds the top 3 Google search results ahead of I.C.
I guess Spike has some sort of yearly awards ceremony in which the prize is a Mantler (because they're "manly" or something), like unto an Emmy or an Oscar or a Moonie. I urge you all to do your part in the struggle to take the Mantlers back, by clicking the 'Mantlers' tag several times over there on the right sidebar. Cobras doesn't like his stuff stolen, especially when it's stolen by a testosterone-oriented television station. Mantlers are MINE.

Actually, let me make this easier for you:


(click the link repeatedly to join the fight)

In related news, the "illogical contraption" Google result page finally got its own sub-menu (below). Now that's cause for celebration!

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