Thursday, October 15, 2009


Above: I have met the enemy, and she is me (sort of).

Matter and anti-matter. Gravity and entropy. Light and darkness. Every action has its equal and opposite reaction, and every Spock has an evil twin. Polar opposite, arch nemesis, whatever you wish to call it, I have found mine. She is the incarnation of everything sick and moribund in humanity, an idiot yin to my wise and stoic yang.

Who is this gibbering harlot, this harbinger of sorrows from the very depths of Hot Topic Hell? Ladies and gentlemen...

That's right. "Shelby Cobra" (NO "s"). A 16-year-old "rocker chick" (note quotation marks) from Los Angeles, California. I'll let her introduce herself in her own words (from her Myspace page):

"I'm a most-of-the-time lover, achiever-individualist, and performer. Music is my blood, don't know where I would be without it. I'm 16 years old, naturally brunette, 5 foot 4, and easy to get along with. If I were an animal, I would want to be an exotic bird."

"I have a new favorite song every week. My taste in style, music, and people is very broad. My biggest pet peeve is when someone tries too hard
(This is evidenced tenfold in her music, but we'll get to that later). I hate flying, and have cried on 95% of the flights I've been on. I enjoy interesting, deep, long, or funny conversations."

"I've always wanted to be a recording artist. I started singing around my grandma's living room to the song "My Heart Will Go On" when I was 4 years old. It quickly became my passion. When I was 8, community theatre was where it was at! Then, at age 12, I leaned more towards the pop/rock genre."

Shelby Cobra draws her influence from artists like Cyndi Lauper and Janis Joplin (right), and in February joined a manufactured band of watered-down "scene chicks" constructed by the production team of Robbie Nevil and Matthew Gerard and sponsored by Radio Disney. They are called "KSM", they are Hot Topic to the core,and you can check out their Myspace page here. They are also currently gaining massive amounts of popularity, with the endorsement of the Jonas Brothers and appearances on both Good Morning, America and Rachael Ray under their shiny belts. This is all kinds of wrong, but the arch-nemesis connection goes even deeper. Read on...

Shelby Cobra lists her heritage as "Italian-Swedish-Polish-Italian", a twisted mirror of my own proud geneology. You see, I am half Italian, in addition to being a quarter German (Germany borders Poland) and a quarter Norwegian (Norway borders Sweden). Is this strange duality somehow programmed into our very genetic material? Mere dislike or age-old blood feud? Hmmmm...

Below: Fell free to call the "KMS Hotline" with as many death threats and/or as much heavy breathing as you see fit.

Am I being too hard on this chick? I don't know. Watch the video and form your own opinion:

KSM Performing on Rachael Ray

KSM (818) 237-9773 | MySpace Music Videos

As the kids would say, this chick is "jocking my steez" in a major way. She is besmirching the honorable Cobras family name, bringing shame down on an institution that has always stood for truth, justice, and HEAVY METAL.

There is only one course of action to be taken here. "Shelby Cobra" must be destroyed, with great haste and without mercy.

Join the fight.


D.Matt said...

I turned it off when the 'guitarist' started out with that redic shit-eating-smirk playing power chords. That was enough for me. But seriously... the singer's boobs... i SWARE 16 year olds did NOT look like that when i was in High School.

Anonymous said...

The similarities are too great. Especially the 5'4" brunette who cries on airplanes. That's 100% Lermo.

Shelby Cobras said...

HEY! I only cried that ONE TIME. And I'm at LEAST 5'5". I'll give you the brunette part, though.