HOW TO NAME YOUR DEATH METAL BAND, PART 4

Welcome, again, to an ongoing 5-part Friday series (well, Saturday this week, ELL OWE ELL!!!), designed to assist the fledgling death metal musician in the most difficult aspect of his or her career path: NAMING THE BAND. As we all know, a good band name is of the utmost importance when it comes to the success of your group. Rather than prattle on with useless advice, Illogical Contraption has chosen the simpler path, which is learning by example. Professor Cobras himself has scoured the very bowels of Encyclopaedia Metallum, choosing 100 of the VERY BEST death metal band names (out of almost 25,000) for your consideration and/or ridicule. These 100 bands have been split into sets of 20 by category, and these categories in turn have been broken down into smaller sub-categories. Hopefully this series will be of some use, as its painstaking creation was something of a "labor of love" for all parties involved. So without further ado...

(Read Part 1 HERE, Part 2 HERE, Part 3 HERE.)

THIS WEEK'S LESSON: ENGLISH-AS-A-SECOND-LANGUAGE ("ESL") DEATH METAL BAND NAMES

It is no secret that non-native English speakers are in fact the ones who speak the best English. And by "best", I mean "most interesting". Something about someone with a very feeble grasp of the English language actually speaking the English language is full of all sorts of magic and charm, not to mention being endlessly entertaining. Go to Japan, read any sort of publicly posted sign written in English, and tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead. I'll wait.

But nowhere is this concept more apparent than in the world of heavy metal, especially in the beloved genre known as "death metal". Something about the misplaced modifiers, unnecessary plurals, and dangling participles fit perfectly within the confines of said genre, sweetening the whole deal by making it just a little more confusing, a little more ridiculous. Here are 20 such examples of just the type of English abuse that makes a death metal band name unforgettable. LEARN:

SUB-CATEGORY A: ESL DEATH METAL BAND NAMES THAT SOUND COOL BUT HAVE NO ACTUAL MEANING

We will begin with 8-piece Thai death/metalcore weirdos ECCENTRIC TOILET. As you already know, a native English speaker could never come up with a name this good. Hence, The Toilet is a great place to start. Sure, these two words make no sense together. But shit, have you ever heard five syllables that sounded that good together?

Didn't think so.

Mid 90's Polish doom-death metallers BLAMEWORTHY WARLOCK nailed it, too. Had they been from Ohio or Pennsylvania, I'm sure they would have given themselves some sort of inferior name like "Shame Wizard" or "Guilty Sorcerer". But no. This is Poland. Blameworthy Warlock it is.

Did I mention that their singer's name was "Hydrant"?

God bless Mother Russia. First she gives us Purulent Jacuzzi, possibly the best ESL band name of ALL TIME, and then she follows up with a band called STEAK CHAOS. Relatively new, Steak Chaos has only one demo under their collective belt, which is aptly titled Demo Is Gay. Brutal.

This just in from the Department of Redundancy Department: The Phillipines' ABHORRED DESPISER don't have the greatest grasp of the English language. Also, they don't speak English very well.

Another Phillipine national treasure, UTERAL REGURGITY, took it one step further. I'll give you a hint: "Regurgity" ISN'T actually even a real WORD. Well done, guys.

But back to Poland. VEHEMENT THROWER existed only briefly in the early-to-mid-90's, but made a huge impact by vehemently throwing stuff at every one of their live appearances. Actually, I guess the name "Vehement Thrower" sort of does make sense, doesn't it? "To throw something vehemently". Yeah.

NECROGAY is from Sweden. They are dead, and they are homosexual. And yet, they are neither. Necrogay is a haiku, within a sonnet, wrapped up in an epic poem. ESL AS FUCK, and oh-so-mysterious as well.

Another Russian group with its finger firmly on the pulse of the ESL-band-name movement is HUMANITY FUCKED TO GORE, comprised of Andy, Mr. Brutal, and DJ Gore. Now, I guess I can see something getting "fucked by gore" or maybe humanity simply "getting fucked", but these 4 words, in this order, when attached to this band, are just pure magic. 

Not only do Czech grinders DESTRUCTIVE EXPLOSION OF ANAL GARLAND have an absolutely awesome, nonsensical ESL name, but their albums and songs feature a couple real winners as well. To wit: "Mortal Assassinity", "Anal Strainer of Uncle Horst", "Vaseline In Anus, Pull In There Truck", "The Fucking of Fatty Ass With Exposed Hemeroids" (sic), "Milky Bags" and "Hi, Shall I Fuck You?".

SUB-CATEGORY B: ESL DEATH METAL BAND NAMES THAT SOUND COOL AND ALSO HAVE SOME SORT OF OBTUSE, AWKWARD MEANING

SUGGESTIVE THUD (Myspace deleted, WTF???) comes from Germany. Their name makes perfect sense, while still carrying that distinct "ESL flavor" to it. I can really hear what a "suggestive thud" sounds like in my mind's eye (or my mind's ear, rather). Poetic. Literary. A tour-de-force.

Also from Germany, ODD GOO made the same mistake that SHIT and THE CRAP from 'How To Name Your Death Metal Band, Part 2' made, which was changing their name. They are now known as GROTSCENT, for some reason. Which sucks, because I've seen my fair share of "odd goo" during the course of my life. But being a native English speaker, I would never have the good taste or eloquence to actually use the term "odd goo".

Only Germans know how to do that.

Check out the manful Nordic specimens below, who together comprise the Swedish metal unit known as SPLATTERED MERMAIDS. The name really paints a picture, doesn't it? By the way, they are currently recording a split album with an equally awesome ESL metal band called FEKALIZATOR.

There's just something about Germany, man. Common sense and at least a modicum of good taste would certainly prevent anyone remotely familiar with the English language to refrain from calling their band A PLUMBER'S NIGHTMARE. But not the fucking Germans, man. They just fucking GO FOR IT. And the effect, as always, is stunning.

Hailing from the Czech Republic, REEK OF SHITS exemplifies perfectly how a misplaced "s" can really spice up a death metal band name. It is totally acceptable to say that something "reeks of shit", but ESL-ing it up and going with Reek of Shits just takes it all FULL CIRCLE. One of the oldest tricks in the ESL metal book, that one.

PS: That guy down there on the right probably reeks of shit because he's COVERED OF SHITS. Look at him!

I can't decide whether Russia, Germany, or the Czech Republic wins the ESL-band-name war. But striking another major blow for the Czech team is CHOKED BY OWN VOMITS, who feature not only a wonderfully misplaced "s" in their name, but a 2009 album called Shit Autopsy which features songs with titles like "I Want My Name to Be a Rectum, I Would Be Your Best Friend in Return", "One Half Does Not Jabber", "And the Ass Has Closed", and "A Shit Nailed to the Wall".

But then out of nowhere comes Japan, pulling into the lead with a band called THROB OF OFFAL! As much as I am charmed by the image of pulsating guts, I've also got to hand it to these guys for limiting their lyrical subject matter to (and I quote): "Bogs, Fungi, and Swamps". Hence the title of their 2005 opus, Moss Funeral. Duh.

They even took their fucking band photo beneath the waters of a murky bog (below). Now that's dedication.

Italy's DECAPITATION DONE BY HELICOPTER (above): The Tom Savini of ESL death metal band names.

SUB-CATEGORY C: ????

EVICTING THE TESTICULAR SQUATTERS???? What??? Where could these guys possibly be from, that such a misuse of the English language would seem feasible? WHERE!?!?!

See that dude in the Megadeth shirt down there? That's "Corpse Song", the sole member of China's EXCRUCIATION OF NOSE AND FEET CUTTING OFF. He thought up the best fucking band name of all time. Hi there, Corpse Song!

But of course, leave it to America's very own Midwest to come up with the greatest ESL band name of all. You guys remember Clay from the one-man cornfield wigger slam pornogrind band Cemetary Rapist, right? Well, it seems that just one one man band isn't quite enough to satisfy Clay's needs. He has also perfected the art of EFLASL (English As A First Language As A Second Language) in his other one-man project, FECALIZED RECTAL SPERM SPEWAGE.

Once again, America brings home the gold.

You're probably wondering what "genre" of metal Fecalized Rectal Sperm Spewage subscribes to. Well, lucky you. Because Clayton sums it up as such:

BONUS! UNUSED DEATH METAL BAND NAME OF THE WEEK:

(See image above.)

Tune in next week for 20 more bands who have raised the act of naming a death metal group from mere science to high art...