SCHULTZ: SWEEP-PICKING THE FLUGELHORNS (A Very Partial Discography)

It's been months now, Schultz. MONTHS.
I can't stop listening to your rap album. I can't stop listening to the seeemingly endless stream of "fake" bands you created in the early half of this decade. You are a fucked up dude. In the BEST possible sense of the word.
For any of you as of yet unacquainted with Mr. Steven Schultz, I offer a brief primer on this mysterious recluse's history and whereabouts:
Schultz writes the excellent expatriate manifesto TOKYO DAMAGE REPORT from the comfort of his home in that city, expounding at length on the strange mannerisms, customs, and music of Japan; sometimes translating previously-untranslated novels in their entirety, sometimes sharing pictures, sometimes stories. It is an indispensable resource for not only the western Japanophile but for students of human nature in general, from the highest highbrow intellectual to the lowest lowbrow humorist.
Schultz, once upon a time, resided in the Bay Area of California, and collaborated with many indigenous musicians. We share mutual friends but have never met face to face. He even wrote for IllCon for a brief, glorious moment.

Left: Mr. Schultz also freelances as a terrorist from time to time.

But first and foremost, this guy is an insane fucking musician. Within the last few months, he has been releasing a steady stream of old recordings (via MediaFire) on Tokyo Damage Report, from solo albums to the aforementioned "fake" bands to "real" bands he was in to extended inside jokes that turned into full-length albums (check out "The Criminally Insane Project". It's really, really, really weird shit, and, in a way, seems like the perfect soundtrack for reading Illogical Contraption (but only on our very best days). Schultz's music is schizophrenic, well thought-out, offensive, funny, eclectic, and often, pretty stupid. Like I said, I'm hooked.
It's been MONTHS.

Below, I've posted my "Top 5" Schultz albums. There are many, many more, which can be located easily by clicking on the "my mp3's" tag over at Tokyo Damage Report. I highly recommend going over there and having a look around if you like what you hear, as Schultz always includes extensive liner notes, full lyrics, and conceptual backstory for everything he posts--something I am absolutely unqualified to do. Schultz is a madman, and a 100% "acquired taste". But if I can teach just one person about the terrifying wonders of his music--just ONE--then I have done my job. Please enjoy responsibly.


1) STEVEN SCHULTZ - I FORGOT TO GET A RAP NAME (2000)

As good a departure point as any. Tripped-out, off-beat, off-time rap songs about stalking Maury Povich, being a gay pirate, being a whale, being an Eskimo, rap-metal being lame, being the singer for Christian Death, and "other people's hypothalamai". A dark voyage into the horrifying depths of Schultz's psyche. Amazing, confusing, addictive, and hilarious. The sound effects in "Wackness Quotient: Intro" alone make this CD worth the cover price.

dl: FUCK A HARPOON
originally posted by Schultz HERE


2) PUNY HUMANS - NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND OUR GENIOUS (2002)

Bungle-esque mindfuck collaboration between Schultz and Impaled guitarist/all-around musical genius (genious?) Jason Kocol. The whole album is basically a complex series of obsessively-orchestrated funk/jazz/metal/avant-garde pieces structured around a series of inside jokes and samples from The Big Lebowski, and repeat listens will only serve to confuse you further. Guaranteed to make your head hurt.
Let's not forget about the showtunes ("What's Really Happening To Me") or the music-nerd ProTools psychobabble during the coda of "Sweep-Picking The Flugelhorns" either. Fuck.

dl: DEICIDE, IN THEIR MOM'S BASEMENT
originally posted by Schultz HERE

3) THE AMINO ASSHOLES - COLLECTED WORKS (2002)

Ever wonder what it would sound like if Morbid Angel covered Van Halen? How about Corrupted playing the theme song for Meow Mix brand cat food? Sinatra doing Black Flag? No?
Well, you suck. Because Schultz not only wonders such things, he actualizes them. The Amino Assholes are another of his short-lived "fake" bands, the concept behind which being "impersonations of bands and/or artists covering other bands and/or artists". Is your mind completely blown yet? It should be.

dl: MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW/
MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW/
MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
originally posted by Schultz HERE


4) BUSUCHAN - DEFRAG MY HEART (2000)

I guess this is as close to a "rock" album as Steven Schultz will ever create, although it occasionally lapses into free-form Zorn worship from time to time as well. Schultz claims that this is his version of "romantic" music, which, if you think about it, is quite obvious: there are at least three songs about ASS ("Kingdom of Ass", "Looking All Deformed Like Cindy Crawford", and "More White Ass For Asian Guys") and at least two written on the subject of TESTICLES ("Take My Balls" and "Scrotum Symphony"). If Frank Zappa had sex with The Illuminatus! Trilogy, their love-child would look something like Defrag My Heart. Except even Zappa would have a hard time writing a piece of music as fucked up as "Terpsecholorean Splendor of Careening Trilobites".

dl: TAKE MY BALLS
originally posted by Schultz HERE


5) BOUNINJOUTAI (防人情隊) - TOKYO AIZO (逃狂愛憎) (2004)

Another "fake" band, this one an ESL/Japanese hardcore group bent on annihilating every living (and non-living) thing in the Land of The Rising Sun. I guess Schultz was pretty angry at Japan in general when he wrote this stuff, and the vitriol shines through. But, like everything he does, it remains pretty fucking hilarious at the same time. The process of creating Tokyo Aizo involved writing lyrics for 33 songs in Japanese, which he then filtered through a translation program back into English and published on TDR. The results are super awesome amazing Engrish fun! Check 'em out via the link below the album cover.

dl: UTTER DESPAIR AND SOUL DIARRHEA
originally posted by Schultz HERE

I apologize for the unabashed hero-worship, but Schultz deserves it. His music is like a big stinky onion--the more layers you peel away, the more pungent it gets. Only download this stuff if you have lots of free time to devote to it. You'll need it to decipher the heaping portions of hidden messages, shredding metal riffage, inside jokes, psychedelic lyrics, and sheer, unadulterated GENIOUS contained herein.


... All of which is, of course, just my way of asking Schultz to move back to the good ol' US of A and play lead guitar in my new band. PLEASE?