Wednesday, January 26, 2011


It was the turn of the millenium, a time both magnificently exciting and a little bit terrifying for the world's population. Humanity sat poised at the brink, unsure whether they were approaching Utopian trancendance, Orwellian enslavement, or utter obliteration. They were trying times for all, and the only certainty was uncertainty.
From this worldwide quandary rose few champions, but they did indeed rise, and they were colossal. Harnessing the collective zeitgeist in 1999 were films such as the Lucasian masterpiece The Phantom Menace or the id/ego study Universal Soldier 2, movies that dared us to dream, to understand one another by learning to speak the international language of art. These staggering works of heart-wrenching genius hinted at the true heights the human soul could achieve, but it wasn't until just after the turn of the millenium that society truly found its singular voice, its pinnacle, the global muse.
I speak, of course, of the Martin Lawrence triumph Big Momma's House.

Big Momma seemed the logical endpoint for human evolution, a peak soaring so high in the stratosphere of human imagination that it would be impossible to approach its greatness. I'm sure many thousands of filmmakers simply walked away from their craft at the release of the film, seeing it as the ultimate coup de grace for art and creativity, an enormous and beautiful exclamation point at the end of the sentence that was mankind's existence.
But mankind carried on.

And six years later, to the surprise of the Earth's entire population, "Momma" returned!
The response, massive though it was, was predictable. It was the pain of death and rebirth encompassed into one giant grief-spasm, the universal lament felt throughout the very cosmos. Yes, a King had been dethroned... But what of this handsome new Prince?
Fear, wonder, and wild speculation coursed throughout the planet's life's blood, and upon the release of Big Momma's House 2 on January 27th, 2006, man's greatest hopes were realized: the sequel was every bit the Earth-shattering statement of Love and Unity as its predecessor--life would go on, "beauty" had again been redefined!
Mankind lay in an almost post-coital stupor, delivered through the gates of pure bliss unto the very lap of the Gods. Big Momma 2 was the biggest Momma of all, the Earth Mother, Gaia, the Giver of Life. All was well with the Universe once again.

"All true artists, whether they know it or not, create from a place of no-mind, from inner stillness."

- Eckhart Tolle

It is a testament to the very power and momentum of films like Big Momma/Big Momma 2 that even a cheap imitation such as Eddie Murphy's Norbit (2007) is so compelling and eminently watchable (left), although it must be noted that creating art in the vacuum that Momma left was a challenge unto itself. Sure, Murphy proved to be a master of his craft in 2002's The Adventures of Pluto Nash, but ALL film, post-Momma, was created underneath a gigantic, looming shadow, a place where even the most brilliant strokes of human genius were rendered dim and opaque, like phantoms fleeing from the presence of God.

Pretender To The Throne: Tyler Perry's "Madea" (right), while still an avatar of the collective subconscious and near-deity in His/Her own right, paled in comparison to "Momma", and to this day remains a distant runner-up in the never-ending quest for greatness in the "African-American Guy In Drag Wearing A Fat Suit And Fighting Crime" genre.

Such has been the state of modern art for nigh unto 5 years. Life seems a repetitive and mundane endeavor in the wake of Momma 2, an endless slog through mediocrity and mindless routine without focus or inspiration. The great fires have burned--roared skyward in a blinding flash of light and heat--and are now nought but ash and smoke. What is left to strive for? Are all of our dreams and aspirations quenched by the mighty waters of Fear and Death? Has mankind any hope?

Fear not, O my Brothers and Sisters.
For the voice of God has once again rung upon my ears, and I am bursting with joy as I announce that as of February 18th, 2011, "THE MOMMA OF ALL COMEDIES IS BACK"... AGAIN!
Indeed, the shadows that are pain and strife will once again be banished by the brilliant sun that is "Momma", and this time, as the poster proclaims, "Momma's got back-up"!
Prepare for all memories of human suffering to be vanquished. Prepare for dancing, celebration, and wild merriment in the streets. Prepare for endless happiness and fulfillment, for the eradication of negativity and evil forevermore. Prepare for the unceasing, eternal orgasm of Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son, mankind's new North Star, our moral compass--the true Messiah here to lead us into a dazzling future of peace and prosperity.




BrundleflyKT said...

I saw the trailer for the original on mushrooms, and just about shit myself in fear.

Anonymous said...

Goddamn right. Martin Lawrence is the Richard Burton of the 21st century. Fuck Tyler Perry right in his hog jawed negro head.

Matthew said...

that whole shit was full of gems. my face hurts from laughing.

Korla said...

Thank you for this epiphany. I believe i walked in the valley of darkness until this day.