Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Gather 'round, little friends, for it is once again Story Time in the House of Cobras. Collect your hot cocoa and coziest blanket, because today's story will take you to the farthest reaches of your imagination. Are you comfortable? Good. Let's begin.

Once upon a time (about 2004, actually), there was a guy named Cobras, who moved from his native land of Humboldt County to the stony, mellow surfer haven of Santa Cruz, California. Cobras didn't have any friends in this new town, and spent most of his time drinking bourbon, smoking Pall Malls, and annoying his neighbors with loud death metal. It was a sad, lonely life, but the death metal did inspire him, and Cobras soon found himself trolling the local music stores, looking for (and answering) ads on handmade flyers with headlines like "METAL GUITARIST WANTED" or "SHREDDER BRO NEEDED TO COMPLETE GRINDCORE ONSLAUGHT" (these were pre-internet times for our protagonist).
One such advertisement led him to a meeting at a small coffee shop/laundromat, where he met up with a young woman named Eva. Eva was a self-proclaimed "grindcore vocalist", and had done guest work with such semi-local grind bands as Vulgar Pigeons and Benumb. She was looking to start her own death metal group, and had already enlisted a fifteen-year-old rhythm guitarist. She had a cassette tape of said guitarist performing songs he had written, as well as a stack of burnt CD's of bands she "wanted to sound like" (Nile and Decapitated, among others). Eva told Cobras he was "already hired" and began sharing her plans for their first album. Feeling as though things were moving a little too fast, Cobras excused himself, returning to his apartment with the cassette and CD's to ponder his options...

Long story short, Cobras' desire to play metal lost out to doubts about the parties involved, and he declined further involvement with the project. Last he heard of "Cyco Eva" (as she was fond of calling herself), she had shunned metal, and had gotten really deep into Myspace and hip-hop. And this is where Chapter One ends.
"Gee," you're probably saying, "that story wasn't very good at all. What was the point of all that?"

Well, I'm glad you asked. Because this is where the story gets saucy...

(cue funk drums and wah-wah guitar riff)

Chapter Two: Cobras lost track of Cyco Eva sometime around 2005 or so, right after the release of her album (or maybe just song) "From Grindcore To Hip-Hop". They were obviously moving in opposite directions, musically and socially. No big deal. Pop artists re-invent themselves all the time.
It was not until early 2010 that Cobras even thought about Eva again, when a conversation with Brother Peter stirred up long-dormant memories. Out of curiosity, he dialed up her Myspace page, wondering what she'd been up to for the last half-decade. The image shown below greeted him.

Several things about Cyco Eva become apparent upon visiting her Myspace page:

A) At least count, she has 123,536 friends -- easily qualifying her as a "Myspace Celebrity".
B) Cyco Eva is equally concerned with both "ho-in'" AND "flowin'".
C) In most pictures of her (and there are many), Eva tends to display her posterior prominently.
D) Eva also goes by the moniker "The Vanilla Gorilla".
E) She has no qualms about her love for illicit substances, as exemplified by the title of her hit album: SNOWBUNNY ON YAY.

Allow Eva herself to explain:

This song, "Snowbunny", is a mission statement of sorts, and as you can see from the expensive CGI in the video had no lack of funding. To coin a phrase, it is a "multimedia assault" of sorts, showing that The Vanilla Gorilla is here to stay. And I quote:

"It's Cyco Eva man you know who I be/
White ho gettin' dough, man, you wanna fuck with me?/
I hit the scrip (?) with the money on my mind/
I'm a snow bunny, bitch, turnin' tricks, gettin' mine.

I'm a coked-out cokewhore headed to the corner store..."
etc. etc.

The song goes on to detail Eva's exploits in prostitution, drug trafficking, armed robbery, and violence, proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that Eva is the REAL SHIZNIT. But her multimedia exploits extend beyond shows, albums (impossible to find), videos, and Myspace notoriety. If I am to believe what has been written on Eva's own Myspace blog, she also just opened her own wig shop in East Oakland. Her entrepeneurial spirit simply CANNOT be contained.


So today's story ends not with a tidy moral but with an enormous question mark: Did Cobras miss the bus to fame and fortune by failing to latch on to the Eva juggernaut back in '04? Would things have turned out differently if Cyco Eva had, in fact, stuck to grunting, gorilla-style, in a grindcore band? What exactly is a "snowbunny"? Is this story analogous to Jack's recent post about Wolf Roxon's near-miss with an up-and-coming Madonna? You decide.

Below: A fine example of the subtle sexuality that has won over the hearts and minds of so many thousands of Eva fans.


Aylmer said...

the MARIJUANA CROPS don't look very impressive.

SockmOnkey said...

wow... what a terrible human being. but a good story, nonetheless, mr cobras. but i do hope that this doesn't become a trend - you following my posts with large pictures of ugly girls thrusting their ass into a camera lens.
on second thought, that would be great - i expect one after the next (and final) sun ra post i'm putting together. since that's basically what the sun ra arkestra did to me when i asked them for an interview...
didn't you have a story about jeff goldblum too?

Shelby Cobras said...

I do. And Chris Farley. And Speilberg. And Christopher Guest. And Sinbad. But the one about Jamie Lee Curtis is the best of all. Actually, her and Cyco Eva have a lot in common...

Anonymous said...

It's all talk. She's too fat to be doing copious amounts of drugs. No bruises or pimples on her big ass. I don't even see a hint of beef curtain to suggest excessive fornication. I know coke whores and Eva is no coke whore. She played you Jack.

In answer to Cobras' question, you did the right thing. She's got 123,000 dumb shit friends on myspace. One of them (del Tigre) will track her down and abduct her unfortunately. You have over 200,000 hits on IC, guest spots on other blogs, and your self esteem. It would have been totally sweet to roll into Ferndale on a Saturday night with Eva on your arm though. Humboldt County I have triumphantly returned! Show 'em yer tits baby!

I'd blow coke into her asshole with a straw. Repeatedly.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if she takes it up da butt???

Mister Booze said...

Sorry buddy, you blew it. She looks like loads of fun (cocaine is a helluva drug) and you know what they say: crazy in the head = crazy in bed. wouldn't happen to have her number would you? Hmmm, let me check airfare to California....

Shelby Cobras said...

Anonymous: Charles?

Crankenstien said...

endlessly fascinated by what could have been. I'm also wondering if Mr.Cobras would've ended up with braided hair like Bo Derek from 10(that sweet hip hop look).All butt and no boobs flaunt what you got i guess.

Crankenstien said...

that reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. This foxy latina wanted to borrow Obituary "The End Complete" and totally ganked it and left town,she might;ve been a basser as well.

Shelby Cobras said...

Cranky: Nah, she just liked smoking herb. I'll tell you a secret -- she's in my kitchen cooking me baked rigatoni RIGHT NOW.

Asa said...

at first i was liek


then i was liek

fucking LAWLZ

Nekromantis said...

Don't know what to think of her but I fell for the last pic!

Crankenstien said...

Now thats a spicy meataball!

RyGar said...

picture me trollin'