HOW TO NAME YOUR DEATH METAL BAND, PART 2

Welcome, again, to an ongoing 5-part Friday series, designed to assist the fledgling death metal musician in the most difficult aspect of his or her career path: NAMING THE BAND. As we all know, a good band name is of the utmost importance when it comes to the success of your group. Rather than prattle on with useless advice, Illogical Contraption has chosen the simpler path, which is learning by example. Professor Cobras himself has scoured the very bowels of Encyclopaedia Metallum, choosing 100 of the VERY BEST death metal band names (out of almost 25,000) for your consideration and/or ridicule. These 100 bands have been split into sets of 20 by category, and these categories in turn have been broken down into smaller sub-categories. Hopefully this series will be of some use, as its painstaking creation was something of a "labor of love" for all parties involved. So without further ado...

(Read Part 1 HERE)


THIS WEEK'S LESSON: TOTALLY OFFENSIVE BAND NAMES

Some folks say that "the best offense is a good defense". I disagree. If you are offensive enough, you don't even need to worry about your defense. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the world of death metal band names. Death metal is a genre that thrives on its own offensive nature, and a proper name should reflect this idea. Today we will take a look at 20 bands who got it right, using the perfect blend of bodily fluids, bodily waste, and bodily functions to create effective monikers for their respective groups.


SUB-CATEGORY A: DEATH METAL BAND NAMES THAT REFERENCE BODILY FLUIDS AND/OR HUMAN WASTE

We will begin with Finland's ZOMBIE VOMIT, a band with an obvious grasp on the idea of strong imagery really selling a band. There is no more powerful image than the recurring "zombie puking into someone's mouth or face" scene that appears in a multitude of horror flicks (Zombieland actually did it pretty well, most recently), and these guys have captured the essence quite succinctly. In addition, their releases have awesome ESL-flavored names like Necrogoatoath, Brutal Approach to Dentism, and Terror By Haunted, which instantly negate the need to actually hear their music altogether. These guys rule. Music is just details.

We continue with Osaka, Japan's PUKELIZATION, whose vaguely nonsensical name both draws in the audience with the promise of "puke" while simultaneously enshrouding them in mystery. What does getting "pukelized" actually consist of? Only one way to find out: Go to a Pukelization show. I guarantee you will leave with a T-shirt.

Germany's POOSTEW walk a fine line. While the term "poo" is NOT very metal at all (human waste should be referred to as "shit" or "faeces" -- the optional "a" being a very important inclusion), the image of a steaming hot bowl of doodoo soup is both magnetic and repulsive. Hence, Poostew will be included in the 'Winners' category.

Florida's NAILSHITTER are probably the best-known band that will be featured in this series, although they are still relatively young and obscure. Anyways, Nailshitter shits nails. Case closed.

The most offensive form of human waste would most likely be diarrhea. The word itself sounds gross, and, well, I'll just leave it at that. Texas metallers EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA understand this concept well, and the addition of song names like "Devirginized By A Chainsaw" don't hurt either. Explosive indeed.

Check out the guitarist from Czech grinders BLOODY DIARRHOEA over there on the left. That guy "gets it", man.

But sometimes, less is more...

... As evidenced by Germany's THE CRAP. This band totally blew it by changing their name to RISING HATE, a phrase completely devoid of personality, imagery, or creativity. Should've stuck with The Crap, guys. At least it sounds cool.

In a similar turn of events, the aptly-named Maryland duo SHIT have also changed their name to "Fleshtomb". Why would they do that? Not only was it a great name, but judging from the band photo (below), probably pretty accurate too. I would have paid good money to catch a Shit/The Crap co-headlining tour. Way to blow it, dudes.

BONUS POINTS: THE COMBO!!!

Extra points awarded to Finland's DIARRHEA VOMIT (above) for doubling up on the "human waste" factor, and extra extra points to Italy's SPERMBLOODSHIT for effectively TRIPLING the waste/fluid equation. You can't really do much better than that.

SUB-CATEGORY B: DEATH METAL BAND NAMES THAT REFERENCE BODILY FUNCTIONS

Anal pulsation counts as a bodily function, right? Okay, good. That means PULSATING ANUS qualifies. Which is a good thing, because their guitarist wears Spongebob apparel onstage (below) and they have a song called "Barf In Your Ass".

Speaking of pulsating anuses, the only bodily function that really matters when it comes to naming your death metal band is the FART. Burps and sneezes can fuck right off. Farting is METAL. Isn't that right, Belgium's BLOODFART? Yep. That's what I thought.

LEPROSY FART from Sweden heartily agrees.

SUB-CATEGORY C: UNDERWHELMINGLY OFFENSIVE BAND NAMES

These guys are all obviously trying a little too hard. But somehow, it still works.

EAT MY FUCK from Germany are a fine example of this principle. These guys write songs about "being gay" exclusively and are fond of wearing tutus (below). Not the greatest concept, but while their band name is nothing but a blatant attempt to offend, it is still fun to say aloud. Try it. "EAT MY FUCK." Feels good, doesn't it?

Below: Germany's BURNING BUTTHAIRS are underwhelmingly named, indeed, but the phrase is just specific enough (and just dumb enough) to be not only excusable but praiseworthy. These guys have balls. Hairy balls. Hairy, fiery balls.

Again, nothing groundbreaking concept- or image-wise here, but nonetheless, Canada's BITCHSPLITTER have created a name that is just underwhelmingly offensive and onomatopoeiacally-pleasing enough to warrant inclusion here. We would have also accepted Bitchsplatter, Shitsplitter, Shitsplatter, or Bitchshitter.

Then there are the guys who just throw three offensive words together, willy-nilly, in a desperate attempt to offend by any means possible. This is a risky move, but can sometimes pay off. Among those who have succeeded are JESUS ANAL PENETRATION (above) from Australia and ABORTED HITLER COCK (below) from England.

Above: SHOW ME ON THE DOLL from Austin, Texas conjure some genuinely offensive images of molestation and repressed memories, but while their only semi-chuckleworthy name might not be the greatest ever imagined, I have chosen to onclude them here for another reason altogether: They are basically the Texan equivalent of Mayhem. Two of these dudes are now dead, and a third is in prison. Disturbing indeed, but take a good look at their Myspace page. 'Top Friend': Avril Levigne. Nice.

We close out today's festivities with New Jersey's apparently-defunct SATANIC BUTT SLAYER. While these guys probably belong in the "three unrelated offensive word" band category, I felt they warranted their own section based on the sole fact that they managed to squeeze the words "butt", "Satan", and most importantly, "Slayer" all into just one band name. Well done!

BONUS: UNUSED DEATH METAL BAND NAME OF THE WEEK:

GARGLER!!! (Like Eat My Fuck, it needs to be spoken aloud to be fully appreciated, preferably in a Nathan Explosion/George Corpsegrinder-type voice.)

Tune in next week for 20 more bands who have raised the act of naming a death metal group from mere science to high art...