Friday, August 27, 2010


Allow me to share an image with you fuckers:

OK, OK. I admit to Googling "illogical contraption" every once in awhile, which is kind of pathetic, even though something amazing like THIS shows up occasionally. But it is a newer Google feature, rather than my own self-serving internet habits, that I'd like to discuss today, namely the "pages similar to..." section added to the search engine a couple months back.
Let's take a look at what Google, statistically, considers "similar" to our beloved IllCon: MetalSucks, Bazillion Points, Metal Inquisition, Stuff You Will Hate. Hmmm...

Not bad, I guess, but I can see one rather obvious feature we offer the unwashed masses that these other guys don't: FREE MUSIC. That's right, myself and the other writers here at ICHQ risk life, limb, and unending persecution by the RIAA day in and day out to keep YOU, the reader, on the cutting edge of music circa 1993. You guys really don't even deserve a blog as awesome as Illogical Contraption. Really.

(I personally resent the comparison to Stuff You Will Hate, who I consider to be the Claire's Boutique of the Great Mall of Music Blogging. But whatevs.)

You guys

But it's not just the awesome music downloads, is it? Name another metal specialty blog that has the balls to reveal the truth about the NWO reptilian shapeshifter conspiracy or even draw parallels between black metal and a Lyssianasid amphipod living beneath the Antarctic ice shelf. Shit, who else ANYWHERE even has coloring contests anymore?

Nobody but us, baby. Again, you = not worthy. Us = AWESOME.

My point is this: Illogical Contraption is waaaay better than those other shitty blogs, and we deserve a bigger audience. WAY bigger. So how to go about it?
Well, for one, you fucking mind vampires could make an effort to share IllCon with a friend or family member every now and then--I mean, it's the least you can do for a bunch of Bros that have sacrificed so much for you and your listening pleasure. No guilt trips though.

I'll share a secret with you: right around IllCon's first year anniversary, I made a real and concentrated effort to double this blog's readership. And it worked, too. Consult the statistics. So with new writers coming aboard and new readers swarming like insects to a bug-zapper, I think it's possible to double our readership again before IC's 2nd. We've still got a couple months. Let's make it happen.

Allow me to share another image with you fuckers:

not really related

But enough with the fucking cheerleading. Let's get to Part 2 of How IllCon Will Take Over The World. In the spirit of Total Internet Dominance, I have embraced a necessary evil--that foul, wretched Big Brother-esque overlord of a social network known as Facebook. I know reactions will be mixed to such a rash and bold maneuver, but hey, I'm a rogue, a maverick. I DON'T PLAY BY THE RULES.

So yeah, IC is on FB. You can now follow IllCon on Facebook's NetworkedBlogs application, or you can go straight to the IC Facebook page and "like" it to start getting posts added to your news feed, OR you can just click on that shiny new button over there in the right sidebar. So many options!

I know what you're thinking already: "Isn't this against the IC Mission Statement? Isn't an IllCon Facebook page a concept totally contrary to the principles this blog was based upon? After all, and I qoute: "Illogical Contraption will never "tweet" at you, nor will we ever ask you to join any stupid groups on Facebook." What gives, Cobras?"

Well, I'm not asking you to join anything, technically. I'm just telling you that it exists, and that all the COOL KIDS are doing it. So there.
Please help spread the disease.

Anyways, today is probably the worst possible day to publish a post about "expanding" IllCon, as I'm leaving town forthwith and will be absent from the digital world for at least a week. But hey, Contributing Writers: I'm leaving the keys to the Lamborghini right here on the kitchen counter. Whatever happens, happens.

Allow me to share one last image with you fuckers:

Keep it br00tal while I'm gone. See you in a week.


SEANFORD said...

i usually just jerk it in the living room when you leave town. that’s where the VCR is.

Helm said...

I'm not a contributing writer even though I am. I just cover over when you're away and read your comics. You know, the ones in precious little plastic wrapping that you never read and consider "an investment"?

Aylmer said...


Shelby Cobras said...

I'm trying, dude. I'm trying!

Anonymous said...

Dogging on Stuff You Will Hate my ass. Cobras knows every veiny inch of Sgt. D's scaly penis.

Manslaughter said...


Manslaughter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Thing That Should Not Be said...

...and he left me in charge of the IC facebook page. THE FOOL!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!

Shelby Cobras said...

For the record:

Thing; I 'admin'ed several people on the ICFB, I just asked you to keep it updated. It's a system of checks and balances that couldn't possibly lead to anything vulgar or embarrassing, I'm sure of it.

Anon: I am indeed quite familiar with both inches of Sgt. D's scaly, pock-marked dong. It's never been a secret that I'm a fan of his writing and ideas, what I do question is his tendency to fawn over pop-punk boy bands marketed to teenage girls.

Shelby Cobras said...

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to rape me some dolphins.

Crankenstien said...

send me a new invite

Manslaughter said...

Tsk tsk, RAPE HELMETing dolphins with hula girls strapped to your back...for shame cobras.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

'couldn't possibly lead to anything vulgar or embarassing'?............HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Errr...I mean, yes I'm sure you're right.

Korla said...

already hooked. facebook or not.