Monday, June 14, 2010

IC WRITER'S RETREAT 2010: Innovations And Conclusions

Above: Professor Cobras lectures a packed house on his pet subject - How To Get Super Rich on Half-Assed Music Blogging.

First off, I'd like to take a second to apologize for the relative lack of posting here on IC lately -- things have gotten extremely busy at ICHQ in the last couple weeks, and somehow, between our tireless efforts cleaning Gulf seabirds, time spent raising money to feed starving children, AA meetings, and hedonistic drug binging, we have fallen behind on our writing. As much as I would love to take all the credit for this decline in productivity, I have to admit that all blame lands squarely on the shoulders of my underlings, who have made little to no effort at supporting me during these trying times. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, and I expect better from you in the future.
That being said, another excuse/major reason for our collective lack of posting in recent weeks was the First And Last Annual 2010 IC Writer's Retreat/Summer Conference For The Advancement of Summits and Conferences, which took place here in San Francisco over the weekend. Almost half of our writing staff was in attendence, making it the most successful congregation of IC Alumni in recent history, and in addition it was also by far our most productive (so far).
Real-time video conferencing (below) made it possible for all IC Writers to contribute their crappy ideas regardless of global location, and a COMPLETE reimagining of this blog's infrastructure is now taking place. Please take a moment to join us on a tour of features and concepts looming on the Illogical Contraption horizon...

Speaking of global location, today marks a huge stride in the growth of this blog, as we welcome our first non-American contributor (Aylmer, who is from Australia) to our ranks. Seeing that IllCon is now an international venture, it won't be long until we activate our sleeper cells in Cairo, Seskatchewan, Jamaica, and Gothenburg, Sweden, tightening our grip on both the global economy and universal political system, cementing IllCon as the supreme (and most arcane) element controlling the foundations of the Illuminati/Reptilian/Masonic power structure. We welcome Aylmer with open arms, and forgive him outright for his lack of American ancestry.

In addition to our international power shift, IllCon now boasts an East Coast presence in the form of The Heckler (right), who also used this weekend's First And Last Annual 2010 IC Writer's Retreat/Summer Conference For The Advancement of Summits and Conferences as a bittersweet going-away party. That's right, Mr. Heckler has left the sunny cleanliness of SF's Tenderloin district for the dank solitude of New York City, where he will no doubt continue his long tradition of annual blog updates on esoteric subjects such as politics, conspiracies, and political conspiracies. You will be missed, sir. Don't be a stranger.
Speaking of relocation, let us not forget to mention two-time contributor Asa, who abandoned his post in Baltimore to back up The Goodkind in IC's Seattle offices. Asa's next step is relocation to the Bay Area, where he will undoubtedly join an awesome metal band and ravage many nubile young women. Anyone with information on job openings for a copy writer in SF should contact ICHQ immediately.

Further bullet points discussed at the 2010 Writer's Retreat:

- Professor Seanford briefed the staff on the oft-ignored topic of Misplaced Nipples, a subject on which he has gleaned much first-hand knowledge in recent months.

- Synergy

- Proposed formation of a second IC side-project, which would act as a side-side-project to the already hugely successful experimental electro/jungle/trance group known as the George Jefferson Starship Troopers. Proposed name of proposed group: SPACE HELMET.

- Less focus on the ho-hum musical genre known as "metal", increased focus on stand-up comedy and Dirty South rap.

- Accountability, transparency

- Less rock, more talk. Also: Less talk.

- Illogical Contraption to incorporate vastly higher percentages of "inside jokes", ie posts that only make sense to two or three readers (see: this post).

- It has been observed by several members of the IC Writers Team that SF residents are allowed to park ANYWHERE (even the middle of a busy street!) if they are "attending church" (every Sunday - is it like this in all cities?). This has served as impetus (along with countless federal tax benefits) for the formation of an indigenous Illogical Contraption Religion (tentatively known as "Contraptionism") to be formed in the near future. More on this later in the week.

- Less stuff like this, more stuff like this:

So, as you can see, we here at IC are CONSTANTLY striving to improve and enhance this blog, moving forward even in times of financial hardship, reader apathy, and extreme horniness. We are here to serve YOU, and, as always, your input is highly valuable to us. Together, we can make Illogical Contraption the soul-crushing, life-destroying force that it truly SHOULD BE, no matter what The Haters say. We look forward to the Second Annual Writers Retreat, and welcome all you pussies to come and party with us next year.


Crankenstien said...

i'm local i like to party where's my invite

Mister Booze said...

Step one: Give away music for free
Step two: ?
Step three: Profit

Peter said...

It may be the lack of sleep but I just laughed, out loud, for literally two minutes at the Disturbed/Charles picture.
I'm going to miss that ornery little fucker.

SEANFORD said...


Steven said...

Is it just me, or could those pics of attractive young corporate drones double as porn DVD covers? Creepy.

Shelby Cobras said...

It's just you.

You sick bastard.

SEANFORD said...

actual pictures from the retreat look a lot more like this:

Asa said...

You Dick Butkus. I'll contribute more when I figure out something I can add that's remotely as interesting as your writeups.