Wednesday, February 2, 2011

THE SECOND ANNUAL TRAPPY AWARDS



Yes, it's that time of year again. Awards season.
The Grammies, The Oscars, The Golden Globes, The Screen Actor's Guild Awards... Small potatoes. We all know what's important. The Annual Illogical Contraption Awards Ceremony In Recognition Of Excellence In The Fields Of Awesomeness And Assorted Other Things (A.I.C.A.C.R.E.F.A.A.O.T., or "The Trappies" for short) are here once again, and judging from the warm reception last year's ceremony received, we're in for a big day/night.
We here at IC wear many hats on a daily basis: we're entertainers, researchers, archivists, journalists... But we're also CRITICS, and the internet public at large turns to us for our impeccable taste in stuff on the regular. We take on the near insurmountable task of "judging" art, and we never fail to judge it correctly and accurately. Such is the aim of The Trappies: to put art in its place, whether that place be on a pedestal or in a rubbish heap.

Only those worthy of the highest honor, those who have excelled at their craft and defined the very term "perfection", will be featured here today.

For the sake of laziness, I will repeat last year's introduction to begin the festivities here today. Bear in mind: a distinguished panel of only one person is responsible for today's post, so please try to keep your joy/rage/indiscriminate gunfire to a minimum.

"So welcome to the Trappys, my friends: An award ceremony recognizing the best of music, movies, and the internet for the last year or so. 10 categories. 40 nominees. The winners will recieve their very own Trappy and the smug satisfaction of knowing that they are better than everyone else. For the losers: Shame. Never-ending, soul-shattering SHAME.

I might not be the most well-informed guy, and my opinions on music and movies might not be that popular. But I wanted to let you guys know what has been blowing my mind for the last year or so. And yes, I've left out plenty of people, places, and things that deserve inclusion here. I hope no one's feelings get hurt, but I'm just trying not to think too hard today. Deal with it.

With all that being said, I believe now is as good a time as any to begin...
"


1) BEST NEW BLOG

The nominees:

- SMUT CAVE's new Tumblr Page (NSFW): "Ask The Spelunker"!
- FROM THIS SWAMP: Ultimate Bro Abdul Alhazred kicks out nothing but the illest jams for your Lovecraftian/Dystopian consumption.
- BOCA DE FUMA: Brother Clint keeps up abreast of shows, news and art here in our beloved Bay Area (all while somehow managing to play drums in about 16 different bands).
- SERGEANT D's new Tumblr Page: Isn't it about time we backed up off of the Sarge's nuts already?

... And the Trappy goes to...

FROM THIS SWAMP!


Mr. Alhazred's excellent selections have become such standard fare around ICHQ it's hard to believe that FTS has only been around for a year. Always quality stuff, and always delivered with tasty commentary and a firm grasp on the absurd. We salute you, sir.


2) BEST METAL BLOG

The nominees:

- INVISIBLE ORANGES: Scalzi's columns. That is all.
- CITY OF DEVILS: LA Bros holding it down.
- SUNYATA - Mindful of Metal: Mr. Atanamar Sunyata has established himself as a more credible alternative to MetalSucks for metal blogging in the greater NYC area.
- BANG YOUR HEAD OR I'LL RIP IT OFF!: Although spotty on updates, Billoney never fails to churn out the weirdest and most hilarious effluvium heavy metal has to offer.

... And the Trappy goes to...

INVISIBLE ORANGES!


Invisible Oranges has become the "Average Bro's" alternative to more commercial and bullshit-oriented metal news sites like Metal Injection and/or Blabbermouth. Solid content delivered daily, without annoying car advertisements or browser-crashing pop-ups hawking the new Taylor Swift album. Big ups, Cosmo.


3) BEST MP3 BLOG

The nominees:

- COSMIC HEARSE: Isn't it about time we backed up off of Aesop's nuts already?
- THE LIVING DOORWAY... has supplied me with approximately 95% of the music on my iPod at present.
- FROM THIS SWAMP: HOLY SHIT A DOUBLE NOMINATION. This is an historic first in the long and storied history of the Trappy Awards.
- TERMINAL ESCAPE: Satisfying your daily analog jones.

... And the Trappy goes to...

THE LIVING DOORWAY!


Seriously, man. Like 95%.


4) BEST ART BLOG

The nominees:

- MONSTER BRAINS: An excellent time-waster. Archives upon archives of ghastly creatures.
- ASIDES-BSIDES: Brother Helm's long-running comics blog (also last year's Trappy Award winner in this category).
- ANDREI BOUZIKOV'S ART BLOG: Ongoing creations from the cover art master (see: Municipal Waste, Skeleton Witch, Cannabis Corpse, etc etc etc).
- PHOTOSHOP DISASTERS: What can I say? I'm a sucker for this type of lame shit.

... And the Trappy goes to...

ANDREI BOUZIKOV'S ART BLOG!


Andrei is a Bro amongst Bros, and his artwork never ceases to amaze, horrify, and inspire. Detailed, vivid stuff, as close to "beatiful" as heavy metal artwork can get.


5) BEST NEW BAND

The nominees:

- HAZZARD'S CURE: Bro-doom of the stoniest and most epic proportions, purveyed by the aforementioned Brother Clint and the mysterious Solar Stoner.
- KVELERTAK: OMG this band is liek sooo rewls!!! LOllll!!!1!!!1
- CHRONAEXUS: New Sacramento-based atmospheric BM project from members of Slaughterbox. Catch 'em BOTH at the Oakland Black/Death Fest this March 12tha nd 13th at The Metro!!!
- FEAST: Youngsters from Concord,CA playing crunchy, food-themed death metal. What's not to love?

... And the Trappy goes to...

FEAST!


Take my word, these guys are going places. High school-age (?) shredders with a talent for crushing grooves and slick blasts. And the good taste to write a song titled "Deep Fried Alive". Watch them shred a venue known as Dude's Garage in Livermore, CA a couple days ago...



Did I mention they're ALSO playing at the Black/Death Fest this March 13th??? Wow, what a lineup!


6) BEST ALBUM

The nominees:

- DEFEATED SANITY, Chapters of Repugnance: In a metal scene saturated with brutality and crushing riffs, Defeated Sanity somehow manages to raise the bar on brutality and crushing riffs.
- INQUISITION, Ominous Doctrines of the Perpetual Mystical Macrocosm: We've already discussed this one at length.
- RINGS OF SATURN, Embryonic Anomaly: Although occasionally hinting at weird "deathcore" sensibilties, this self-produced debut is nonetheless a stunning mission statement from a young and extremely talented band, and unsurprisingly won them a contract with Unique Leader Records almost immediately.
- DEATHSPELL OMEGA, Paracletus: Weird BM FTW.

... And the Trappy goes to...

INQUISITION!!!


We've already discussed this one at length.


7) BEST LIVE SHOW

The nominees:

- TIM AND ERIC AWESOME TOUR, GREAT JOB @ Regency Ballroom, SF
- HUNTRESS/HAZZARD'S CURE @ Victory Warehouse, Oakland
- SAINT VITUS/HAMMERS OF MISFORTUNE/WALKEN @ DNA Lounge, SF
- OAKLAND BLACK/DEATH FEST @ The Metro, Oakland

... And the Trappy goes to...

THE OAKLAND BLACK/DEATH FEST!!!


I know what you're thinking: How could a show that hasn't even happened yet win in this category?
I guess you'll just need to come to the show and find out for yourself.


8) BEST SCI-FI and/or HORROR FLICK

The nominees:

- PIRAHNA 3D: The perfect mix of boobies, hilarity, gore, boobies, cryptozoology, and boobs.
- THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE: Effectively bridging the gap between creepy horror and enjoyable, family-friendly rom-com.
- PREDATORS: Dude, Adrien Brody is BLASTED. WTF? PS Splice sucked.
- HOT TUB TIME MACHINE: It counts as "sci-fi", right?

... And the Trappy goes to...

PIRAHNA 3D!


I'm sure many of you will disagree, but I found Alexandre Aja's faithless remake to be a brilliantly-executed excursion into popcorn butter-soaked trash cinema. Instant gratification ALL OVER the place, and some of the best death scenes this side of Dead Alive. Personally, I'm pretty pumped for the sequel. Haters can hate.


9) (new category) BEST BLOG (OTHER GENRES)

The nominees:

- EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!: Working hard to supply us all with heaping portions of awful 90's video.
- LOST VIDEO ARCHIVE: Brother Seth continues to crank out the lost VHS gems, as promised...
- TETRAPOD ZOOLOGY: SCIENCE. Look it up.
- UNFLINCHING EYE: Brother Aylmer has turned me on to more excellent, obscure foreign horror (especially French) than I can even remember.
- TOKYO DAMAGE REPORT: Isn't it about time we backed up off of Schultz's nuts already?

... And the Trappy goes to...

UNFLINCHING EYE!


I think what really sells it is Aylmer's knowledge of the weird and tantalizing. Were it not for him, I would have never experienced the unsettling freakishness of Martyrs, nor the lesser-known works of Basket Case creator Frank Henenlotter. Nice job, dude.


10) (new category) BEST THING EVER... OF ALL TIME

The nominees:

- The Fenis
- "Bollywood Robot Movie"
- Butthurt MetalSucks Readers
- Steampunk Palin

... And the Trappy goes to...

STEAMPUNK PALIN!!!



ROBAMA JUDGES YOU.

Thanks to everyone for hanging out. See you jackholes at the after-party.

19 comments:

atanamar said...

Thanks for the nomination Mr. Cobras! Much appreciated. But Invisible Oranges is in fact the best metal blog in the universe.

Daniel said...

Happy to see Living Doorway won a prize. I personally think they could have taken home best metal blog and art blog for the penguin drawings, but that's just me.

JGD said...

Dear Sirs,

What an HONOR. We thank you for your acknowledgement, and humbly accept the Trappy for best MP3 blog. We work tirelessly to bring our followers as much retarded death metal and crappy Jawbreaker albums as possible, and it's truly a delight to even be mentioned among the rest of the nominees. Seriously, coming out ahead of Cosmic Hearse and From This Swamp is simply B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Also, we've shifted focus since this was posted, and are now just an Artery Eruption fan site.

Shelby Cobras said...

FUCKING FINALLY.

Manslaughter said...

I'm sorry, exactly how OLD are these kids in Feast?

abdul alhazred said...

Cobras, I'm genuinely honored. I stand in very good company. Thank you to all my little swamplings and behold my firm grasp!

The Goodkind said...

I'm grateful and surprised to have been nominated. Preesh bro.

BILLONEY! said...

Much clown luv ♥ ♥ ♥ WhooT-WhooT! Thank you from The Bang Your Head Fams4life Rip It Off Krue. ICP = Illogical Contraption Posse 4Life!!!!!

JGD said...

Man, they should definitely re-release that Inquisition album with the Trappied cover.

Shelby Cobras said...

Indeed, but only as a package deal including the cover your girl drew for Human Waste.

Aylmer said...

I'd like to thank the Brocademy, this is truly a great and humbling honour. Also, it's been so long since I've posted here at IC that this only feels like nepotism A LITTLE!

PS: I am planning on posting here again soon.

PPS: Splice DID NOT SUCK.

Anonymous said...

Illogical Contraception rules..i haven't be pregs yet

Clint B said...

Gee, thanks!

Aesop said...

Thanks for the nom, Shelby, yeah my nuts are pretty crowded right now and Living Doorway does indeed rule.

Shelby Cobras said...

Yeah I was looking for a spot on your nutsack but then NPR pulled up in a Prius and were all "Oh, was this your spot?" and I was gonna stay and argue but I had laundry to do.

Invisible Oranges said...

Thanks for the unexpected honor! I still owe you a post, Shelby.

Shelby Cobras said...

Oh I haven't forgotten, sir.

Crankenstien said...

Piranha 3d was awesome and I love the original.I should be nominated for the contributor with the least comments.

Shelby Cobras said...

No comment.