Sunday, February 13, 2011

SHUT UP AND PLAY YER GUITAR: A Horrifying Look At Some of Rock And Roll's Best Worst Onstage Banter

Yes, as the video clip above (hopefully you made it all the way to the whiskey midget) and the picture to the right suggest, Diamond Dave is indeed THE BEST.
The Best at lots of things: doing the splits in midair, wearing assless chaps in places besides a Castro leather bar, talking shit on The Clash, forcing midgets to pound whiskey, NOT. EVER. COMING. OFF. AS. A. TOTAL. DOUCHE.... But, as the video perfectly illustrates, Dave was (and is) The Best at stage banter. A master of innuendo and wordplay, an eloquent and poetic orator par excellence, DLR is simply The Best, better than all the rest. Better than anyone. Anyone I've ever met.

We've all been to our share of concerts before, and we've all experienced our share of bad stage banter, I'm sure. Some drunken, glassy-eyed rube perched in the middle of the stage, asking us repeatedly how everyone is feeeeeelin and if we're all havin a goooooood time--it's really a show unto itself, and the one true measure of a frontman's worth.
So today, we revisit some of the best worst stage banter compilations the internet has to offer, challengers all to the Stage Banter Throne of Diamond Dave, an embarassing, pathetic, and altogether mind-numbing voyage through the very depths of human stupidity. All of these compilations have surfaced several other places before, and none are too hard to find. But I figured I would gather all of them here for you today, as a service to our public, as a monument to the art of speech.

First off, we have the Venom: Live At City Gardens 7", which I got over at Cosmic Hearse awhile back. Recorded by Black Flag roadie Joe Cole in 1986 and bootlegged as fuck ever since, this nine-minute paean to Satanic, alcoholic METAL has remained a favorite of the developmentally challenged for almost a generation. I've never been much of a Venom fan, and this little slab of magic reminds me why. Cronos' belligerent, patronizing banter is every bit as clumsy, loud, and awkward as Venom's music itself, and reminds us all why WE SHOULD NEVER TRUST THE BRITISH.

Next, we've got the Having Fun On Stage With Fugazi compilation, which I originally discovered (as did so many others) over at Unlike most of the other stage banter compilations here, the forty-five minute Fugazi collection doesn't actually feature complete idiots--quite to the contrary, in fact. Ian MacKaye and Guy Picciotto are obviously intelligent dudes, but that's where the problem lies: Fugazi shows became the ultimate in PC liberalism, as much a lecture on "respecting each other's space" and "shunning all forms of commercialism/sexism/racism/consumerism/whateverism" as they were "rock concerts". MacKaye in unafraid to preach at length between songs, and the comedy herein lies in his own self-righteousness. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ROCK ALREADY.

PS: Although I've never really spoken about it here on IC, I've always been a big fan of Fugazi, Minor Threat, and Ian MacKaye. Fugazi in particular were a huge influence on me in my formative years (musically speaking), and I endorse the ridicule of this band with only the greatest sense of respect.

Quite possibly my favorite collection featured here today is the ridiculous Slayer Speaks, which was compiled and originally uploaded by Rocket Science Records. These tracks are, in a word, AMAZING, and really need to be heard to be believed.
Three things become instantly apparent upon hearing them:

1) Tom Araya is dumb as shit.
2) Tom Araya is drunk as shit.

I've seen Paul Stanley: People, Let Me Get This Off My Chest all over the internet, most recently on Blog The Jerk!, but it bears re-posting nonetheless. Even at the risk of offending my public by publishing Paul Stanley-related material two days in a row, I must include this 70-track colossus, this reigning champion of air-headed rock star blather. It is the Holy Grail of Bad Stage Banter, a virtual how-to for the aspiring Stage Banterist, as annoying as it is patronizing and as shrill as it is mundane. Bask it the glory of the Starchild's blue thong. Cradle yourself in the warmth of his pube-like chest rug. And then, drift off into dreamland, borne aloft on the lilting tones of his screeching, nasal drone.

Honorable mention: VzR's "They Call Him King" (which I didn't upload, but you can listen to an mp3 HERE) from the Henry Kissinger War Criminal compilation EP, courtesy of Good Bad Music. A couple minutes of highly comedic King Diamond/Mercyful Fate song intros, including a clip of The King reading the Lord's Prayer... BACKWARDS! Recommended.

And of course, we must close out with two more heavy metal classics, those well-known and well-loved YouTube treasure troves compiled by our old friend Sargeant D over at Metal inquisition. Ladies and gents, we end our journey today with choice quotes from a pair of rock and roll anti-heroes: CHRIS BARNES and PAUL BALOFF.



The Thing That Should Not Be said...

*ahem* you septic fuck. I also have never liked Venom, mostly down to Cronos being an utter tool.

Anonymous said...

If only that was REALLY Tom Araya, it might've been funny, but it's not even a good impression. Ah, well.

Shelby Cobras said...

^^^ Ladies and gentlemen... Tom Araya.

Jason said...

Anyone else notice how Tom Araya is starting to resemble a long haired Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?

Hot Dog Sam Man said...