PINK NOISE: The Truth About Scientology And The "Mellow Gold Prophecies"

What is Scientology?

That's a good question. I've always been a little bit fascinated by Scientology, Dianetics, and L.Ron Hubbard, but I also make it a point to never write about religion on this blog. Religion is (to quote a very wise man) a "never-ending wheel". So are politics. I will talk about both today.
I'm not interested in the controversies surrounding Scientology. Nor am I interested in those fancy 4chan/Anonymous protests. My interest is in what Scientologists actually believe.
As we know, Scientology is a religion that was created by science fiction author L. Ron Hubbard (below). It is a self-help-esque belief system set up to destroy the self-imposed restrictions human beings subconsciously place upon themselves. But let's take a minute to recount the Scientologist "origin story".

Left: Hubbard inspects some sort of robotic spider.

After hours and hours of research, I finally found an account that sums it up pretty well. It was written by Scientologist Bob Minton in January 2001, and I will repeat the most important sections below. It is biased, but whatever. You can read the entire thing here: "Scientology's Core Beliefs".

"This story is the core belief in the religion known as Scientology. If the people Scientology tries to recruit knew about this story, I don't think they would ever get involved. This story is told to Scientologists when they reach a higher leveI.
75 million years ago, there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu who was in charge of 76 planets in our part of the galaxy, including our own planet Earth, whose name at that time was Teegeeack. All of the planets Xenu controlled were over-populated by, on average, 178 billion people. Social problems dictated that Xenu rid his sector of the galaxy of this overpopulation problem, so he developed a plan.
Xenu sent out Tax Audit demands to all these billions of people. As each one entered the audit centers for the income tax inspections, the people were seized, held down and injected with a mixture of alcohol and glycol, and frozen. Then, all 1.4 trillion of these frozen people were put into spaceships that looked exactly like DC8 airplanes, except that the spaceships had rocket engines instead of propellers.
Xenu's entire fleet of DC8-like spaceships then flew to planet Earth, where the frozen people were dumped in and around volcanoes in the Canary Islands and the Hawaiian Islands. When Xenu's Air Force had finished dumping the bodies into the volcanoes, hydrogen bombs were dropped into the volcanoes and the frozen space aliens were destroyed.
However, Xenu's plan involved setting up electronic traps in Teegeack's atmosphere which were designed to trap the souls or spirits of the dead space aliens. When the 1.4 trillion spirits were being blown around on the nuclear winds, the electronic traps worked like a charm and captured all the souls in the electronic, sticky fly-paper like traps.
The spirits of the aliens were then taken to huge multi-plex cinemas that Xenu had previously instructed his forces to build on Teegeack. In these movie theatres the spirits had to spend many days watching special 3D movies, the purpose of which was twofold: 1) to implant into these spirits a false reality, i.e. the reality that WOGS know on Earth today; and, 2) to control these spirits for all eternity so that they could never cause trouble for Xenu in this sector of the Galaxy.

When the films ended and the souls left the cinema, they started to stick together in clusters of a few thousand and remained that way until mankind began to inhabit the earth. Today on earth all the spirits of these aliens have attached themselves to our bodies and are the root cause of the false reality that all but Scientology's OT 8's on earth experience. It is the job of all Scientologists to remove this false reality from the world by auditing each and every space alien spirit and human on earth to CLEAR not only this planet but the universe. For those who oppose Scientology and stand in their way like the LMT and all Scientology critics, Scientology promises to do away with them "quitely and without sorrow".
As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers of the Marcab Confederation finally discovered how evil he was and overthrew him. He is now locked away in a mountain on one of the planets and kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery. Several of Xenu's relatives can often be found on ARS.
In fact I know people who have sat in a room at the Sancastle building in Clearwater, Florida for 5-7 hours per day, holding two asparagus cans together, attached to a lie detector, talking all day to these dead space aliens. And guess what? You'll never ever finish talking to dead space aliens until you leave Scientology.
I am repeating this story to you as a warning. If you become involved with Scientology then I want you to do so with your eyes open and fully aware of the sort of material it contains.

Bob Minton

Keeping Scientology Working, OVERTIME


This video actually sums it up pretty well too (via Hubbard himself as well as South Park):



Wow.
I have to admit, Scientology has a FUCKING AWESOME origin story. Way better than those other religions. No wonder all those celebrities are hooked on it. Tom Cruise (right), Isaac Hayes... Hell, John Travolta even went so far as to star in Battlefield Earth (below) in obeisance to L. Ron Hubbard, who wrote the original book. And rocked a fucking awesome codpiece.
I don't see what the big deal is. If you're going to believe in one religion, you might as well make it interesting, right?

I think Scientology has gotten sort of a bad rap.

And speaking of rap, let's talk about another famous Scientologist, a Scientologist whose prophecies have shaken the very foundaries of my own belief system.
You see, I myself have stumbled upon something both profound and startling, a series of incidents too strange to be coincidence and too accurate to be chance.


I call them "The MELLOW GOLD PROPHECIES"...

(All photos used in this section are original, unaltered, and totally authentic.)

Superstar musician Beck Hansen is without a doubt one of Scientology's highest-profile adherents. But if we take a long, hard look at Beck's music, certain undeniable patterns start to emerge. Beck seems to have made several prophecies through his lyrics, prophecies that have been coming true through the course of he last couple years. Does this mean tha Scientology might actually be THE ONE TRUE RELIGION? Without jumping to any foolish conclusions, I'd have to answer with a completely qualified "YES". Take a look...

Let's start with the song "Diamond Bollocks" (an outtake from 1998's Mutations):

"So ungrateful to the who's and what's-his-face
Terrorist confections look so out of place
Looking back at some dead world...
That looks so new..."

NEW WORLD ORDER/NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM
BUSH/CHENEY

BECK ALWAYS KNEW WHAT TIME IT WAS

And consider "Bottle of Blues", also from Mutations:

"Like a tired soldier
With nothin' to shoot
And nowhere to lose
This bottle of blues
Egos drone
And pose alone
Like black balloons
All banged and blown
On a backwoods river
The infidels shiver
In the stench of belief"

HOLY WAR, ANYONE?

Beck knew 9/11 was coming, and sang about it on "Corvette Bummer" ("Loser" B-side, 1994):

"All my days I had moldy bread
Robot brains and the flying airplanes
Hollowed out, and filled with dust
Rocking like a hurricane under the rug...

Tinfoil witch burning under the bridge
Flap your wings and leap out the window
Put a glass eye in the eyes of god
Nuke the kids, Polaroid cupcake
Take it to the limit, new wave biscuit
Camouflage gimmick...

...Gonna jump like a flag
Gonna burn like a pig"

FLYING AIRPLANES/LEAP OUT THE WINDOW
NUKE THE KIDS/CAMOUFLAGE GIMMICK
WAR ON TERROR?

WE REFUSED TO HEED HIS WARNINGS

He seemed to stumble upon his own prophetic visions first on the psychobabble track "11.6.45" from Stereopathetic Soul Manure (also 1994):

"It's uhh November 6th, 1945 and we ... went up to ...
and uhh, back to the house and watched MTV ... and playin' Pac-Man ...
it's all really gross and all the kids were diseased ...
giant airplanes, uh, crashing underneath ... electro-magnetic fuse ...
guys with flamethrowers ... melting ... taco trucks were crashed...
there was sausage meat all over the ... Sasquatch was eating a burrito"

No one paid any mind (could this be due to the inclusion of the song "Pay No Mind" on Mellow Gold?). The Scientologists kept their ace in the hole while society stumbled further toward its own ruin. A GLOBAL CONSPIRACY. A MISUNDERSTOOD PROPHET...

Speaking of conspiracy, Beck even knew about the bleeding heart environmentalists and their phony "Global Warning" scheme all the way back in 1994. Remember "Atmospheric Conditions" from One Foot In The Grave?

"You can't get here to there
There hasn't been a change in the atmosphere
There hasn't been a change for over a year
There hasn't been a change in the atmosphere
Pull the tap
Just a tad
(Gypsy Haircut)
There's no Atmosphere
(A bear skin rug, The tambourines)
Dig a tunnel through the mountain
(Black Piano on the Mountain)
How many Atmospheres are out there?
(There's a broken bottle...in the tunnel)"

EXACTLY.

And let's not forget "Hotwax" off of 1996's Odelay, in which Beck predicted the rise of Swine Flu in 2009. Look at these two parts of the same song:

"It takes a backwash man
To sing a backwash song
Like a frying pan when the fire's gone
Driving my pig while the band's taking pictures in the grass
In my radio smashed"

followed by:

"Shocked my finger, spots on my hand
I been spreading disease all across the land
Beautiful air-conditioned,
Sitting in the kitchen
Wishing I was living like a hit man"

In a quick dialogue at the end of the song, Beck seals the deal with this mystic nugget:

[Girl:] "Who are you?"
[Beck:] "I'm the enchanting wizard of rhythm."
[Girl:] "Why did you come here?"
[Beck:] "I came here to tell you about the rhythms of the universe...."

HE KNEW

Also concerning his own prophetic abilities:

(from "Static", the last song on Mutations):

"It's so easy to laugh at yourself
And all those jokes
Have already been written
Seems like another vain attempt
To let yourself fall out of the oven
Holy mountains
They look so tired
And it's a perfect day
To lock yourself inside
Who you foolin' when the fools are right
It's the same thing
But it's almost as different"

Beck predicted Barack Obama's rise to the presidency all the way back in 1993. Check out the lyrics to "Supergolden Black Sunchild" from his very first album Golden Feelings:

"Bless this scepter
The genius too
Shit the eagle
Don't be cruel
My little sunchild
My blinding sun
Stab my power
Reap the reward
Supergolden black sunchild"

Is your mind blown yet? If not, consider this photo, obtained and published solely by Illogical Contraption, Inc.:

I must stress that this photo has not been altered in any way. Beck was present amongst the First Family at the Obama Inauguration a year ago! Seems a little suspicious to me...

Shit, Beck even predicted Avatar. Consider this line from Guero's "Earthquake Weather":

"Space ships can't tame the jungle "

BAM!!!

There are many, many more uncanny coincidences to be found in Becks's lyrical output. Go see for yourself.

So what does the future hold for mankind, if we are to believe what Beck has taught us through The Mellow Gold Prophecies?

Consider the lyrics from "I've Seen The Land Beyond" off of One Foot In The Grave:

"From these shores where we belong
I have seen the the land beyond
Where the Lord is strange and strong
I have seen the the land beyond
There's no telling who'll be dead
When the pale horse is turning red
And the tongues will burn in vain
And everything will feel the same
There's no patience there's no peace
I have seen the land beyond
Where the gravestones never cease
I have seen the the land beyond
Through the troubles of years
The heavenly apparition appears
And we're haunted by our own minds
And the spirit comes in the disguise
[Background voice:] (With no eyes)
From these shores where we belong
I have seen the the land beyond
I'll be there and I'll be gone
I have seen the the land beyond"

INDEED.