JOYLESS - UNLIMITED HATE

This is the first post in a series I'm going to call WORTH IT FOR WEIRDNESS: metal albums (all metal!!!) which are fucked in some way: either the production, the musical vision, the riffs, or whatever. Not something you'd listen to more than once, but enough to a) make you laugh or b) blow your mind. A mason-jar sideshow of metal freakishness. You can learn from their examples, although whether you're learning to imitate something or avoid it is basically up to you . . . and the voices.

This time: JOYLESS.

First thing: best cover ever.

Other First thing: the mix is basically bass and cymbals, with the occasional snare. Perhaps there is some guitars and drums back in the corner.

Second thing: the vocalist is a genius! Imagine William Shatner’s spoken-word poetry if Shatner had thrash training from Udo Dirkschneider. Plus add El Duce’s remarkable technique for putting emphasis on all the wrong syllables in a sentence.

Third : the arrangements! song one (INHERENT EMPTINESS) starts with an “evil laugh.” Then into blastbeats, then about 3 minutes of mid-‘80s mosh-part chugga-chugga riffing. Then more blastbeats, into . . . a blues jam? And then? They repeat the entire song two more times ? it’s over 13 minutes long.

Song two (YOUR CRYSTAL FRAGMENTS) is equally amazing: the guitars (now barely audiable because of 4 layers of overdubbing) play a mellow harmony like Metallica’s ORION. The bass player says, “Fuck you clowns, I’m going to play something totally dissonant and out of key.” And the drummer, not to be outdone, says, “Screw the lot of you, I’m going to play a funky little shuffle starting at 1:20 , because it’s 1996 and we just got the UK’s “Manchester Sound” here in Norway. Kids love the Manchester Sound!”

Also: there is a song called DIMENSIONS OF THE BLACKEST DARK.

I assume these dimensions are located inside the toilet pipes leading to the bowels of the enchanted forest. The toilet Immortal used during breaks on shooting the "Call of the Wintermoon" video. Fucking forlorn, man.

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MOTION MAN - CLEARING THE FIELD (2002)

The Bay Area's answer to Kool Keith. Beats by Kutmasta Kurt, guest raps by Biz Markie, E-40, Keith, etc. Haters will say what haters must, but it will never change the fact that this is an excellent hip-hop album by a misunderstood genius. Peace in the Middle East.

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Apparently, Motion Man also enjoys driving cars and drinking Red Bull. Check him out on Last.FM.

STEPHEN HAWKING IS A FUCKING SHOW-OFF

Exhibit A

So apparently that weasely little fucker Stephen Hawking has a new book coming out, humbly entitled The Grand Design. Great. Just what we need.
As you might have guessed from the title of this post, I have some strong feelings about Mr. Hawking--specifically, that he is a big fucking show-off. "Look how big my fucking intellect is," he seems to scream from the comfort of his luxurious wheelchair, smirking as he cashes another astronomically-sized royalty check. Man, what a jerk. Someone really needs to knock that asshole down a peg.

Anyways, Steve has made a series of ludicrous claims in his new book, sending the astrophysics community into a tizzy but leaving the rest of us rather nonplussed. Yahoo! News even reported that Mr. Hawking doesn't believe in God (!!!), based on a particular quote from The Grand Design: "Because there is a law such as gravity," Captain Dicknose says, "the Universe can and will create itself from nothing. Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing..."
Wow, gee! How fucking profound! No God? What a fucking revelation! You've really BLOWN MY FUCKING MIND, Steve!

Guess what? I had proof that there was no God LAST FUCKING YEAR.

Here's another one:

"It will be difficult enough to avoid disaster on planet Earth in the next hundred years, let alone the next thousand, or million. The human race shouldn't have all its eggs in one basket, or on one planet. Let's hope we can avoid dropping the basket until we have spread the load."

First off, EWWWW for that last "spread the load" part, OK? Jesus. Next, what's the BFD? Oh shit everyone, we'd better find some decent planets to colonize pronto! Our planet's gonna be all fucked up... IN A MILLION FUCKING YEARS.

What's the rush, Steve? Could it be that you're trying to evacuate all the dudes off Earth so that you can ravage all our women while we're gone? You're not fooling anyone, fuckface. There's no rush to find inhabitable planets in space, and I'll give you FIVE fucking reasons why:

1) FUCKING ENDOR

Ewoks = tons of kind bud. Also, they are an excellent source of protein.


2) FUCKING ARRAKIS

Dude, the whole planet is basically a huge fucking beach (just without the water). What's wrong with that? Kick back, soak up some rays, and smoke a metric shit-ton of fucking Spice.


3) FUCKING CYBERTRON

Two words: Free Wi-Fi.


4) THE PLANET OF THE FUCKING APES

Check it out: we take over the planet, enslave all the monkeys, and put 'em in cages until they lose the ability to speak. What could possibly go wrong?


5) FUCKING PLANET X

OK, so this one is kind of obscure, but has anyone else here seen 1965's Godzilla Vs. Monster Zero? Monster Zero (Ghidorah) came from this rad planet called Planet X that was full of nothing but evil monsters and these sort of geeky, Devo-esque alien dudes. Observe:



Man, I could totally get down with living on Planet X. That would be awesome. Speaking of "Planet X": FUCK! NIBIRU!


So yeah, great. Yet more evidence that we need to relocate, riiiiiight. Everybody fucking panic, the Earth is doomed. So says Stephen Hawking.


Oh hey Carl Sagan, didn't see you there. How's it going? Good, good. So listen Carl, answer a question for me: I forgot how many inhabitable planets there are in the Solar System. Could you refresh my memory?

Oh yeah.

YOU KNOW WHAT, STEVE? I'VE GOT A "GRAND DESIGN" TOO, AND IT INVOLVES ME "DESIGNING" SOME SIZE TEN CHUCKS UP YOUR BUTTHOLE, DUDE. FUCK OFF, MAN, AND KEEP YOUR ASTROPHYSICAL LAWS OFF MY BODY. DICK.

Look at this smug little fucker.

DIE FLITTERWOCHENERS?!?!?!

Ummmmmmm....okay, so.....in 1990 a man named Geoff Atkinson had an AMAZING and HILARIOUS idea for a sitcom. He took his idea to the satellite television channel Galaxy, which was part of British Satellite Broadcasting, who also thought it was an AMAZING and HILARIOUS idea and promptly commissioned a series. So far, so normal, right?

Geoff's AMAZING and HILARIOUS idea was a kind of radical spin on '50s US sitcoms like 'Leave It To Beaver', 'I Love Lucy' and, particularly, 'The Honeymooners'. The show left in the cheesy plots, light atmosphere and canned applause for character entrances, but substituted the standard lead couple for......aahh........Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.


Yeah. you heard me. Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.














Now, you would think THAT in itself would be AMAZING and HILARIOUS enough, right?

WRONG-O!! They live in an apartment in a US city, next door to........a couple of STEREOTYPICAL JEWS!!!











I mean........just............wow.

Really.

Who WRITES this stuff?!?! Uhh...well..GEOFF ATKINSON. THAT'S who!!

Now, what to CALL this magnificent octopus? Well, why not take the whole '50's US sitcom THANG and run with it? Yeeeeeah, THAT sounds good. How about we call it.....










Ohhhhh, we're REALLY on a roll NOW!!!


Now, let me ASSURE you, I am NOT making this up. It REALLY happened. Google it. I'll wait. Go on.......


'kay? Happy now? Right. So, as you might expect, the very IDEA of the show (that is to EVERYONE except Geoff, Galaxy and British Satellite Broadcasting) was considered to be in MONUMENTALLY bad taste.
Don't get me wrong, we Brits have a long history of Hitler-related comedy....from Dad's Army (Which chronicled the shenanigans of a platoon of Home Guardsmen)













....to 'Allo 'Allo (which chronicled the shenanigans of the occupants of France during ze German occupation).....












....lunatic comic GENIUS Spike Milligan had spent a fair amount of time making fun of Hitler, as revenge for dragging him into the war and ruining his mental health...












....and, of course, the Monty Python team had dressed up as Hitler and various cronies during the moments in which they weren't dressed as women and shrieking....




.....so, really, Hitler as a figure of fun was a well-established idea here. I mean, y'know, Psych 101 and all that - 'reducing a figure of power and evil to a figure of fun dis-empowers said figure' - BUT, the difference HERE was that Hitler was the LEAD character - thus meaning that we were supposed to 'like' or 'empathise' with him at some point, AND, the double whammy, the idea of his neighbours being Jewish essentially made light of the Holocaust and the struggle of Jews during WWII.
THEY were ALSO reduced to being figures of fun, and also, in a way, subordinate to Hitler, seeing as how they functioned as nothing more than third and fourth bananas to his character.

It goes without saying that the show was CANNED

immediately following the broadcast of the first episode, and was NEVER seen again. Somewhat strangely, Galaxy actually filmed several other episodes, aside from the pilot, which leads one to suspect that they honestly thought there wouldn't be a problem with the show. Cheeeeeeez, talk about an error in judgement.

Obviously, no more episodes were broadcast after the pilot was shown and pretty much universally condemned, and the entire show was relegated to the dustbin of history, only to be resurrected briefly on '50 Most Controversial TV Moments!!' clips shows........HOWEVER, through the MAGIC of Youtube, you can relive ze glory days of ze reich all over again, and bathe in the magic of the 'lost televisual gem' that WAS and IS 'Heil Honey, I'm Home!'





If after THAT you still want MORE, then you are a glutton for punishment, BUT I shall reward you by allowing you to download your very own copy of the pilot, rendered in low quality Scheisse-Vision!!


Now, if you didn't enjoy that, remember, VE HAFF VAYS OV MAKINK YOU ENJOY IT!!!

Nutbush

A few nights ago, while eating some ribs in the town of Montrose, a good friend of mine and I were discussing the virtues of crack as the drug of the proletariat. It’s the peoples drug, inclusive due to its relative inexpense, and opposed to other more hidden vices, its really all about community. You don’t have to know anyone to score crack, you go to a public place, almost replicating an old world market environment. Its folksy too. You make it in your kitchen with a big wooden spoon and sell it locally. Totally homemade and locavore friendly, it’s the green drug that takes a coveted recourse and stretches it as far as it will possibly go.


Another great thing about crack, it will make you dance like this:


Holy shit I love these chicks. That move at 1:50 makes me want to head straight to MacArthur Park.


Seriously, how fucking high are these chicks??



Previous Ikette worship here.

Boston BBQ

I know it's sick and in bad taste, but I have to share this information for those who don't know! Brad Delp lead frontman of Boston (who may or may not be a studio band) killed himself by lighting two simultaneous barbecue grills in his sealed bathroom. Now why isn't there a tribute band called Boston BBQ?
I mean it's just sitting there all ready I'm gonna have to start one. See you in Rocknroll heaven Brad and don't forget the hits never stop on classic rock radio every five minutes you'll hear a Boston song and then a Fleetwood Mac song and then an Alice in Chains song since they are classic rock now too.

BIG BLACK - SONGS ABOUT FUCKING (1987)

Aylmer's recent post about Die Kreuzen got me thinking. More specifically, it got me thinking about Touch & Go Records. If you had to choose your favorite T&G release, what would it be? Somewhat ironically, I think that out of all the groundbreaking Die Kreuzen stuff up to Scratch Acid, Jesus Lizard, etc. etc. etc., my #1 is probably Big Black's Songs About Fucking, an album I bought a long, long time ago based on its title and cover alone. The robot drums, the screechy guitars, the subject matter--it just gets me every time.
As Aylmer already stated, Corey Rusk (and by extension, Touch & Go Records) isn't the biggest fan of file-sharing. But come on, we've all bought at least one copy of this album already, right? Along with a whole shitload of other classics from the T&G archives? This is just back up. Enjoy.

Download HERE
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IN SEARCH OF THE PANDAGATOR

The terms "cold, hard, scientific research" and "fundamentalist Christian values" have always gone hand in hand, but I've really got to give it up to the brilliant writers over at ChristWire.org for making the point so forcefully. After all, they were the first to break the story about China's hideous genetic-mutant pandagators (below), a terrifying tale largely ignored by secular heathen media news outlets.

For the uninitiated, I will reprint the most important part of the ChristWire story here: "The worst culprit in genetic perversions are the Chinese. The Chinese already worship mythical creatures such as dragons and anime chinchillas, so it is no stretch to see they are trying to create new beasts. The Chinese dream of the day when they ride their cache of bizaree animals into America and their beasts are able to rip our ecosystems asunder and then do all sorts of nasty things to our people like eat us.
Here is their newest monster: they call it a pandagator in Cantonese (and in Mandarin it translates allanda). This animal can climb trees, which aleady makes it dangerous enough.
It can also swim but has the combined strenth of a panda bear and a bayou gator! There is nothing more dangerous in nature that I can think of other than a satanic housecat, so please pray that all of these animals are wiped out because I will be shining my shotgun and ready to send them back to hell should we cross paths. Amen."

SWEET JESUS! As if we didn't have enough to worry about, what with the Islamic terrorist President and the Mooslimbs trying to build a fucking goddamn terrorist monument RIGHT ON TOP of fucking Ground Zero, now we have to be freaked out about goshdarned fucking tree-dwelling, flesh-eating PANDAGATORS?!?! What the heck is our wholesome, God-fearing, Koran-burning country coming to???

Oh shit! according to ChristWire, they have fucking tiger dogs too! (below)

DANG! SCIENCE IS SCARY!

Lucky for all of us, ChristWire remains ever-vigilant against the constant threat of Chinese mad scientists. And for all you bleeding-heart liberals out there calling it "racism" to be terrified of Chinese people, I offer another quote from ChristWire to explain things: "We must demand our government call our great military to peacefully assert our American ways upon Asia and gently coerce their savage people to live in more amicable, peaceful ways." (from CW writer "Amber", who also wrote the self-explanatory article "I Am Extremely Terrified By Chinese People, But I'm Not Racist".)

ChristWire.org is always there to protect you from the next hysterical-fear-inducing scientific/communist/terrorist threat. A couple more literary masterpieces to keep you safe:

- Scientists Use Magic To Levitate Mice
- Angry God Flexes His Power, Blows Up Indonesian Volcano For Cheating American Businesses
- Crazed Evolutionists Create Bearsharktopus
- From Dust To Man: A Scientific Proof for Intelligent Design
- Lies of Evolution: Scientists Now Create Zedonk for Their Agenda

But it's not just the frontiers of science and genetics where the Christian border patrol are keeping our bodies and minds safe. Check out some other mandatory writings from the ChristWire staff as well:

- Google Instant Caught Promoting Homo Gay Agenda
- Hannah Montana Miley Cyrus Drinks Of Satan’s Nectar
- Gays Invent New Wii Sex Toy, So Blacks Can Have Virtual Sex With White Women
- New Black Gay Rap Anthem Promotes Raping of Kids and Your Wifes
(and most importantly) - IS MY HUSBAND GAY?!

Hopefully, by clicking through these links, you can learn a little bit more about Jesus, science, Christianity, God, and the reasons that we're all brothers under The One True Christian Jesus-God. Onward Christian soldiers!

GOD BLESS CW AUTHOR "ABE"! GOD BLESS CHRISTWIRE! GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS OUR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS TO FREEDOM OF CHRISTIAN RELIGION!

DEATH TO THE PANDAGATOR!

Follow ChristWire on the twitters.

AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR...

So it looks like the Bay Area's own Tankcrimes Records are putting on a pretty epic weekend-long punk-and-metal fest on October 8th and 9th, 2010 at The Metro in Oakland. As I'm sure you've surmised by ogling the flyer, the lineup of bands will be epic, and there will even be an epic art show there from Epic IC Bro Andrei Bouzikov. But this is all somewhat beside the point.

What's really important is the following audio clip. Listen, LOL, repeat:

Pro tip: Stare at the awesome picture of Kid Rock while you're listening to it. It enhances the experience tenfold.

(unfathomably gigantic amounts of gratitude to Brother Aesop for the mp3 and Brother Peter for the awesome picture of Kid Rock)

ANGELCORPSE - EXTERMINATE (1998)

I posted Angelcorpse's first full-length Hammer of Gods just recently, but it seems you sick fuckers just can't get enough of their Christ-raping, face-melting brutality. So here's their second.
Pete Helmkamp (right), John Longstreth (later to become skinsman for Origin) & co. sure put together one Hell of a blasphemous, hate-spewing grind squadron out there in Kansas back in '95, one that could've gone toe-to-toe with anything coming out of Scandinavia at the time. You want inhuman blastbeats? AC has you covered. Atonal, squealing guitar solos? Ditto. Croaked, vomitous lyrics about the inversion of all things holy? Guilty on all counts. Exterminate is widely considered to be AC's finest hour, and this humble music blogger tends to concur. I urge you all to download it, turn it up, turn out the lights, and summarily execute any and all family members on the premises in the name of Satan. Amen.

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Get SUPER LAID RIGHT HERE

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