FUCK PIETY

These guys vs. Jesus, guess where my money is?

Straigh out of the frozen, hoary wastes of Singapore (home of the equally crushing Abhorer) comes IMPIETY, who you are no doubt fully acquainted and obsessed with by this late in the Satanic-blackthrash game. Formed all the way back in 1990 (Abhorer formed in '87, for the record), these non-pious Hessians have always worn their primitive influences (Sextrash, Sarcofago) proudly on their lengthily-spiked sleeves, as evidenced by their original band name (it was "Sexfago"--lols).
There is little to no bullshit present on these, their first two full-length releases--just an unrelenting onslaught of blasting drums, tremolo riffs, hoarse screeching about "Socerique Baphostorms", "Anal Madonnas", "Sodomythical Frostgoats", and "Hymnvocations of Nazarethian Nunwhores", and an abundance of seething, malevolent, diseased misanthropy. Oh, and some cool keyboard noises.
Happy Friday the 13th you fucking un-Baptized heathen scum.


ASATEERUL AWALEEN (1996)

Download HERE


SKULLFUCKING ARMAGEDDON (1999)

Download HERE
Purchase HERE


Metallum/Last.FM

A MESSAGE TO POST-DORITO AMERICA

ATTENTION:

IllCon Radio goes LIVE on FCCFreeRadio.com Studio 1A at 10pm PST this evening. We have an interview with ODERUS FUCKING URUNGUS. We have a special surprise co-host. We have fanny packs and articulated-toe shoes. We have interesting theories about the "Mars Monolith". We have a phone. Call us at (415) 829-2980. Subscribe to (and RATE!) us on iTunes. Shit is about to get real.

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC!


Obligatory:


Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go rescue the President's daughter... FROM SPACE PRISON!

Doritos FUCK GOD 2K12

Isopods mackin on nacho flave is an internet CLASSIQUE!!!!

Why are Doritos so good? I don't know.

Most fat internet metal nerds like to eat Doritos and drink Mountain Dew but not us. Nope. At IllCon HQ "Mountain Don't" (lol) is a strict forbidden no no cuz it makes us fat and ruins our teeth. But Doritos are different because they are special.

Our favorites here at the HQ were Doritos Late Night: Tacos @ Midnight. These have been discontinued and we are really sad :(

They have a new kind of Doritos called DORITOS JACKED. Like pumped up crazy strong Doritos, bro.

Let's talk about what The Doritos Company is doing to make their chips appeal to younger eaters.

South By South West is a special musical festival created by Texas Instruments (inventors of the Speak and Spell) where brogrammers and fans of buzz bands alike get together to make killer apps while watching indie music bands. Doritos made a stage there for their new JACKED line of chips. It looks like a vending machine. Much like the one found in the Illcon HQ office.

This funnie little guy played on the stage with a hip brogrammer band called "White Denim" and he says they are "energy chips."

Taco Bell is also dipping their wick into the Dorito game with their Locos Tacos.

Please tell us your Locos Tacos story in the comments section of this blog post.

This is us eating Locos Tacos looking hella fucking hard before our podcast.

Do you remember the Dorito mystery flavor conspiracy?

Here is my favorite weird ass Dorito bag:

Lol Wut? I'll have foot in balls flavor please.

Can someone tell me what these Latino metal Dorito bros are talking about? I don't understand Mexican lol.

JUNGLE ROT - SLAUGHTER THE WEAK (1997)

According to my blood-spattered Mickey Mouse wristwatch, I'm wayyyyy overdue on sharing some completely mindless, boring, middle-of-the-road death metal with you guys, so as a deep, heart-felt apology, please accept this, Jungle Rot's very first full-length--the aptly titled Slaughter The Weak.
Str8 out tha mean streetz of Kenosha, Wisconsin, Jungle Rot are the very epitome of generic midwestern DM--the type of band that shows up fourth-or-fifth billed on every goddamn metal fest, always lurking at the periphery, rarely venturing outside their comfort zone or well-worn lyrical themes (which Metal Archives list as "War, Torture, Death, and Killing"). But that's their charm, really. Uncle Aesop put it thusly (in reference to Deicide's first album): "Sometimes you just want a hamburger... Not a bacon double cheeseburger, not a western burger and definitely not some pussified garden burger, just a burger, plain and simple."
Jungle Rot is a fucking hamburger, too. I like hamburgers.


Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Metallum/Last.FM

Also, this:

THE WEEK OF HONG: BLOODSPORT 2

Hong Kong

Chances are, you know longtime Hollywood "character" actor (read as: Asian guy) James Hong as either David Lo Pan in Big Trouble In Little China or Cassandra's Dad in Wayne's World 2. But the man is a prolific icon in the biz, working well over 500 roles in his 50-year-plus career, spanning from the original Godzilla movie in 1956 to Blade Runner to Call of Duty: Black Ops and beyond. Did you know he auditioned for the part of Sulu? It's true, and more than 40 years after losing the part, he faced off against the actor who won the role, George Takei, in an episode of Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated. This is just one in a series of fascinating factoids that make Mr. Hong not only a fan favorite, but a film legend and enigma unto himself.


In the spirit of utter and total Hong-worship, our very own Seth Goodkind (via his excellent blog Lost Video Archive) has instituted the multi-site WEEK OF HONG, in which but a few of the manifold films Mr. Hong has appeared in will be discussed and venerated, starting right here on good ol' IllCon with the mind-blowingly underwhelming Bloodsport 2. Similar activities have been perpetrated by Mr. Goodkind in honor of Linda Blair and Yaphet Kotto, needless to say it is an honor to once again be included in this mindless Uroboros of cinematic masturbation.

So where the fuck do we start with total lack of ideas and inspiration that is Bloodsport 2? I mean, there's just SOOO much to mock and so little time, I guess we just need to hit a couple major bullet points and get the fuck out before it gets depressing. Sound fair? OK.

A) Bloodsport 2 (released in 1996--8 full years after the original) stars NOT A-list action star Jean-Claude Van Damme as you might suspect, but Swiss impostor Daniel Bernhardt, whose laughably accurate JCVD impersonation runs deep enough as to include an innate ability to drop into full splits in any and all situations (see Exhibits A and B).

JCVD: Suffering stoicly the filmic martyrdom that is Bloodsport 2.

Right: Exhibit A.

B) The only actor with the balls (i.e. low account balance) to appear in both Bloodsport and its sequel was one Donald Gibb (read a full IC post on him HERE), who you know not only as lovable sidekick/doofus Ray "Tiny" Jackson but also as lovable villain/doofus Ogre in Revenge of The Nerds. I also saw him playing a Viking in a credit card commercial recently, but such issues are moot in reference to the subject at hand.

C) Mister Miyagi is in this movie for about 2 minutes. He is billed second. (Shades of Ozzy and Gene Simmons in Trick Or Treat?)



Left: Exhibit B.

D) James Hong is the highlight of this dismal cash-in, appearing as Bernhardt's trainer and mentor (PS Bernhardt's character, "Alex Cardo", is NOT in fact a continuation of JCVD's "Frank Dux"--despite the confusing quasi-Eastern-European accent, physical similarities, and aforementioned compulsory splitting). Hong's wizened "Sun" displays all the qualities that made him a star--a sense of dignity and knowledge spiked with a healthy dose of Eastern mystery, a command of his craft and natural grace both powerful and sublime, and an ease on screen to rival the very masters themselves.
But hey, everyone needs to work. Bloodsport 2 stands as an abysmal reminder that even the Gods of Cult Cinema need to pay their bills, and James Hong is no exception.

Brutal, just brutal.

Now watch the whole thing:




MORE HONG HERE:

Monday April 9th
Fist of B-List - The Dynamite Brothers
From the Depths of DVD Hell - Big Trouble In Little China

Tuesday April 10th
Direct to Video Connoisseur - South Beach Academy
Lost Video Archive - Teen Lust

Wednesday April 11th
She Blogged By Night - Seventh Sin
Lost Video Archive - Cyber Bandits

Thursday April 12th
Booksteve's Library - China Girl
Lost Video Archive - Gladiator Cop
From the Depths of DVD Hell - Balls of Fury

Friday April 13th
Direct to Video Connoisseur - Caged Fury
Lines That Make Things - The A Team (TV episode)

Saturday April 14th
Illogical Contraption - Bloodsport III
Explosive Action - Ninja III: The Domination
Lost Video Archive - Blade in Hong Kong

SICK OF YOU

Attention, SCUM:

IllCon Radio will not air this evening, as myself and Cory will be attending Gwar/Municipal Waste/Ghoul at The Regency in SF this evening. Expect a full report from the deep nether-regions in the near future, detailing our soon-to-be-legendary adventures backstage with Oderus and the gang (full interviews with O.U. and The Waste coming up on next week's show).

Meco - Star Wars and Other Galactic Funk (1977)

We all know that there are plenty of things better than Star Wars and Illcon has made this public knowledge before. I mean, George Lucas has been shitting on his fans for quite some time now, what do you owe him? Nothing. Today's record is something that is also better than Star Wars.

The little dude above is a fella called Meco, Domenico Monardo to be exact. He was a pretty big name during the 1970's as a respected producer and trombonist. Playing on and producing records for Diana Ross, Neil Diamond, Gloria Gaynor and plenty of others. Things changed however, when in 1977 George Lucas released his cash vulture, Star Wars. Meco got pretty excited by this film. Even more excited by the stirring score courtesy of the always awesome John Williams. Meco hatched on the idea of creating a disco version. Of course, it was laughed at and not taken seriously. Who would believe that could work!

Meco believed and wouldn't let up. Luckily the score became a huge hit and the top brass relented, allowing him to see his idea through. Of course he would need a pretty sweet band to achieve this feat. The Sci-Fi Disco Band Meco was born.

Seriously

Despite looking like the outcome of letting Ming The Merciless assemble the Village People, the band managed to survive on the mean streets of New York for about 4 months performing live and providing a much needed visual element to this epic onslaught of disco. And it is an onslaught. The album contains the full 15 minute Star Wars suite encompassing the opening them, Imperial March, the cool flying music bits, all those schmaltzy parts and that stupid band in the bar. It also has robots dancing on the cover.

Meco - Star Wars and other Galactic Funk

Of course, a guy with the balls to disco a George Lucas cash cow must have a pretty sweet logo.

Meco proved the naysayers wrong. Those turkeys at MGM tried it themselves. look at the results...

...

U JELLY?

Image courtesy of Brother Danzig

So you might have heard that we have an internet radio show/podcast now. You can find it here (FCCFreeRadio.com):

BOOM

And here (Studio 1A, download the player straight to your iTunes for live streaming):

BOOM

And here (iTunes link for podcast/past shows):

BOOM

You can call us LIVE, on the air, to fuck with us. The number is 415.829.2980. We will most likely hang up on you, but it doesn't mean we don't love you.
We talk about lots of dumb shit. We are too lazy to write anymore.

Tonight's guest is some dude named Sergeant D who used to do Metal Inquisition, but now he does dumb shit like Stuff You Will Hate and the other Stuff You Will Hate and MetalSucks. You can check out his old-man-ranting on Twitter too. Not that anyone remotely interesting is on Twitter anymore.
Even though he likes stupid bands like Winds of Plague and Emmure, Sergeant D is a Supreme Bro. You should listen to this one.

I actually went to the future and made an animated .gif of what tonight's show will look like. Check it out:

C.H.U.D.s vs. Chads 4 Lyfe