FACEDOWNINSHIT - SHIT BLOODY SHIT (2002)

Sometimes it's all right there in the title. By my count, the word "shit" is mentioned at least 3 times on this one, along with a "bloody" for good measure. Facedowninshit definitely live up to the name (and title), cranking out sludgy, dirty, misanthropic doom-grind in a haze of unwashed clothing and hash smoke. These forest trolls are originally from the East Coast but relocated to Portland (I think) a couple years back. Now they're signed to Relapse. Whatever.
This is a collection of their older stuff, mostly splits and B-sides. Opening track "Cinders" is an especially amazing song, clocking in at about 8 1/2 minutes with some cello and atmospheric creepiness tossed in. "Born In Fucking Chains" is another standout too, a bit more thrashin' and brootal. All in all, killer jams from beginning to end, brought to you by some stinky hippies with a score to settle.
SHIT!

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Dude, they're drinking Schlitz! With a dog! Awesome!

SACRED STEEL - WARGODS OF METAL (1998)

Sacred Steel are cheezy as fuck. These guys must have grown up suckling at the muscular, hirsute teat of the mighty Manowar, chugging the essential metallic nutrients needed to write songs as epic as "Wargods of Metal" and "Carnage Rules The Fields of Death". Just get a load of that album cover. The nude barbarian squatting on a pile of his fallen foes, the bad font, the Gods of War overseeing the whole scene... This is some corny, epic shit. But listening to this band, I have to admit: They majorly pump my nads. More speedy than Manowar and less bombastic than Rhapsody, Sacred Steel rule th realm between them, penning thunderous tales of Battle, Blood, and above all, METAL. File Sacred Steel under "Guilty Pleasures". Don't ever let your girlfriend catch you listening to them, but if you're the type of dude that stays up late at night with a flashlight, shamefully jerking off to DragonForce solos underneath a bedsheet (which I am), you NEED to get this.

PS: This is either the best or the worst video I've ever seen:



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Above: Apparently, Paul Shaffer from Letterman moonlights as the singer for Sacred Steel.

WHEN BAD BANDS DO GOOD THINGS

Far too often, a really good band will go and do something totally shitty. Bad "concept" albums, stupid videos, or shittily-recorded "official bootlegs" can all be part of the problem. But every so often, an otherwise crappy group will go and do something totally sweet. Such is the case with radio-friendly U2 ripoffs Muse. I hate their singer's crappy haircut, their bass player's stupid cowboy hat, and their whole "sensitive indie-rock guy" shtick. And although I can't stand their music, they somehow managed to make a really rad video for the (almost semi-palatable) song "Knights of Cydonia". Kung-fu, unicorns, and lazer guns all play a part here, and I regret to inform you all that this video, in fact, rules. I'm so very sorry.

Please, tell me I'm wrong:

PICTURES OF MY NEPHEW WITH UNDERWEAR ON HIS HEAD

(Part Two of an ongoing series)

TERRORIZER - WORLD DOWNFALL (1989)

Witness the birth of American Grindcore.
Terrorizer were obviously weaned on British shreddage like Napalm Death's "Scum", although their more focused attack was confined to backyard parties and family gatherings in their prime. This is some brutal, grinding stuff, spearheaded by the ferocious drumming of Pete "Commando" Sandoval (later of Morbid Angel). In a way, the drums LEAD these songs, much like Dave Lombardo's thrashing barrage on "Reign In Blood". Pioneering in every way, "World Downfall" is the sound of TRUTH, the sound of METAL, the sound of a thousand Hot Topics being pipe-bombed simultaneously.

PS: Jesse Pintado, guitarist for Terrorizer (and later, Napalm Death), passed away last year, right after recording their first album in almost 20 years. I didn't know him, but he was a friend of a friend, and he is sorely missed. RIP Jesse. Here's to you, grinding away in Valhalla for all eternity.

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You got a booger hangin, Pete.

LUCIFER'S FRIEND - SELF-TITLED (1970)

This album serves as a nice companion piece to the Sir Lord Baltimore album I posted a couple days ago. Raw, proggy rock and roll, much too heavy for its 1970 release date, Lucifer's Friend trod the same path as the boys from Sir Lord, albeit from the dank basements of Germany. Englishman John Lawton (later of Uriah Heep) fronted the group, who released one previous album under the name Asterix. This is good, bluesy, rockin' shit, a must-have for any fan of early 70's hard rock. Especially awesome is the track "Ride In The Sky", a controversial song due to its similarities to Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" (both were released in 1970). Check out the video below and see for yourself.

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JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DAVE?

OR: THE TOP 5 ELECTRONIC MOVIE VILLAINS OF ALL TIME



5) HAL 9000 - "2001: A Space Odyssey" (1968)

HAL (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic Computer), was the sentient, on-board computer system that regulated the inner workings of the spaceship 'Discovery' in Stanley Kubrick's awesome film adaptation of Arthur C. Clarke's '2001: A Space Odyssey'. If it wasn't for HAL, this list would probably read the 'Top 5 "Robotic" Movie Villains of All Time'. That was HAL's edge. Being an omnipresent computer, he was EVERYWHERE at all times, watching the crew through a series of glowing red eyes (see above). This gave him (it?) a psychological advantage over his human counterparts; he could read their lips, deliberately malfunction, or deprive them of air on a whim. Setting the bar for evil computers thereafter, HAL was a menacing, all-powerful presence, made even creepier by the friendly tone in which he delivered his lines.

Below: Spaceman Dave, ensuring himself an epic electronic ass-whuppin.






4) MECHAGODZILLA - "GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA" (1974)

Let's see, what did Mechagodzilla have going for him? Being a robot copy of Godzilla was a pretty good start. Breathing fire? Check. Lazer beams shot from eyes? OK. Fingertips that shot missiles? Word the fuck up. M.G. was pretty much a massive, deadly, killing machine, a biomechanical warrior worthy of placement on any early 90's Death Metal album cover. Like any decent robot would, he turned on his puny human creators, meeting his defeat at the hands of the very creature he was created to destroy. Oh, the irony.
Mechagodzilla returned many times through the course of the Godzilla films, in many different manifestations, but I prefer the '74 version. The future of 1974 was a much more interesting place than the future of 1998, or even 2008.

Below: Later, lamer Mechagodzillas.







3) ED 209 - "ROBOCOP" (1987)



ED 209: "The Cop of The Future". The future of 1987 wasn't such a shabby place to be, either. Cyborg cops roamed the streets, battling giant robots in a struggle for the safety of New Detroit. ED's first film scene obtained him a permanent spot in the collective memory of the movie-going public, malfunctioning and brutally icing an investor right off the bat. ED 209 scared the shit out of me in 1987. To be honest, ED still kind of scares the shit out of me today.

Below: ED 209 poses with evil dickhead Dick Jones.




2) THE TERMINATOR - "TERMINATOR" (1984)



How bad-ass is the concept? A fucking crazy killer android from the future, sent back in time, who doesn't hesitate in the slightest to do insane shit like walking into a police station and offing a bunch of cops. Dude.
Schwarzenegger became THE MAN in this role, and remained so until approximately 'Kindergarten Cop'. Cold, monotone, and deadly, Terminator's robotic detachment from human emotion was his greatest asset, and his willingness to massacre screaming throngs of innocent bystanders to achieve his goals made him METAL. The sequel(s) were weak, casting the original T-Man as a good guy was a terrible idea, and Robert Patrick's CGI villain was nowhere near as cool. But 1984 Arnie Terminator was the classic, a killing machine of the highest degree without any hang-ups about SHIT.

Below: Apparently this guy is now some sort of high ranking official in California state government.



1) UNICRON - "THE TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE" (1986)



Unicron was the sweetest villain of them all. Basically a sentient Death Star who could transform into a giant robot whenever the Hell he felt like it, Unicron was equally dicky to both Deceptacons and Autobots, a bad guy who was even a bad guy to the BAD GUYS. And having the voice of Orson Welles didn't hurt either.
As far as sheer destructive power goes, you can't beat Unicron, who could suck up an entire planet like an oyster shooter. He summed up all the good stuff about electronic villains, he was huge, mean, and ready to kill. Unicron was your worst nightmare. Unicron was SWEET.

Below: Don't call me UNICORN, BITCH!!!




Honorable Mention: Box The Evil Robot from "Logan's Run" (1976)



Nefarious, but kind of a pussy.

SWEET BABY JAY: AWESOME CHICK

Today is my girl Jay's 25th birthday. She's the sweetest, nicest person I know and has made the last 2 years of my life the best so far. She is proof that sometimes the metal nerd in the back of the class can end up going to the prom with the coolest chick in school. Cheers, baby girl. You RULE!

Actually, you BRULE!!!



Below: My two favorite buddies, Jaybird and Double C.

SEX MACHINEGUNS - SEX MACHINEGUN (1998)

Sex Machineguns are a fucking awesome speed/power metal band from Japan, thusly named because, as they explain, "machine guns are more radical than pistols". This is their debut release, and also quite possibly their best. It starts off at a doomy, plodding pace, but by the time mainman Anchang screams "SEX.... MACHINEGUUUUUUUNS!!!", you know you're in some seriously DEEP shit. The following riff is one of the best since the breakdown in "Angel of Death", and the relentless pummeling continues unabated for the remainder of this amazing album. Wildly popular in their home country in the late 90's and early 'oughts, Sex Machineguns acquired a "shock rock" label due to their stage antics and elaborate costumes. But their over-the-top shredding and complex arrangements transcend the confines of the genre, and this disc easily stands as a singular musical statement, visual aids be damned. The band has since splintered off into side projects and sub-groups, but this record is a solid classic, documenting a great fucking metal band at the peak of their game, poised to conquer the world and reap the spoils of battle.

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Sex Machineguns: SOOOO much better than this picture would suggest.

SIR LORD BALTIMORE - KINGDOM COME (1970)

If there were any justice in this crazy old world, Sir Lord Baltimore would be the third name in the Sabbath/Zeppelin triumverate of original Heavy Metal innovators. These bros could fucking JAM, and their sloppy, frantic shredding was like nothing else around in 1970. Just listen to a song like "Hell Hound" or "Pumped Up" and tell me that these dudes were not onto some COMPLETELY next-level shit. Plus, the drummer SANG, no small feat for a hard rock band at the time. The sounds on 'Kingdom Come' defy categorization, and you really can't beat these guys for originality and intensity. I hope everyone has this landmark album already, but if you don't, by all means get it RIGHT NOW. I guarantee an utter blowage of your mind.

Download HERE