E.L.Oh shit, are you serious?

So I mention ELO last week then this shit happens. Bow chugger Mike Edwards was cruising around in his van when a giant bale of hay came rolling down a hill and FUCKING CRUSHED HIM. What a strange, strange drag. The angels have rested their trumpets and are now chugging their bows.


Jam this one all week.


RIP

Don't get MADHAMMER, get EVEN........hammer.

Okay, so, in order to atone for the heinous post I put up earlier I figured I'd let you in on some sweet jams that I happened across recently. Funnily enough, it was via a link that a friend of Cobras' posted up on Faceschmuck that i actually found these guys.

Ladeez and germs, from Eureka, CA, i give you....MADHAMMER.














When I heard these fellas, I heard DEFINITE Fancy Metal. Now Fancy Metal Ubersturmbahngruppenfuhrer Seanford may disagree, but, hell, I say there is DEFINITELY something fancy and VERY metallic in their three-guitar instru-metal attack. I dig 'em, and I think you folks will too.

In order to formally introduce Madhammer to you good people, I did a li'l Q & FUCKIN' A with one third of the axe-attack team, Mr Kyle Fontaine....


Hello to YOU, Kyle from Madhammer.

Now, I don't know a DAMN thing about your band, aside from the fact that you rock me with a fist of cold, hard IRON, so give me a potted history of the band. As if you were talking to an idiot.

Short version: There was Madhammer, then there wasn't, then there was again.
Long version: In 2005, there was the original incarnation of Madhammer; it was originally a slower more doomish/riff driven type endeavor fronted by Alex and Julian with the original bassist Nate and drummer Clint. Nate eventually split for Oregon and then Europe. Julian, who originally was the rhythm guitarist took over on bass and they added Eric on guitar. Around 2006ish Julian broke his hand, so I picked up bass and started playing with them all briefly. Julian recovered, I stepped out to get more guitar skills and they soldiered on.
After some interpersonal disputes, Eric and Clint left, and Madhammer went on hiatus. Around 2009ish, Alex and Julian reformed Madhammer with 2 members of another local band that had collapsed, Jessie on guitar and Tony on drums. In February this year I started playing with Alex and Jessie and around March-ish officially joined the band, and now we have the Madhammer of 2010.


What made you decide to go for the three guitar attack formation?

Iron Maiden helped, but it was mostly happenstance; originally Madhammer had always been a 2 guitar band, but in February this year I started showing up and throwing in third harmony parts and such and it just clicked. There's just some things that can't be done live without either 3 guitars or music wizardry, and none of us had wizards.


Why the lack of vocals?

Lack of vocalists, primarily. We'd love to have solid vocals to help complete our sound, but we haven't found anyone that fits our band; we don't want to have cookie monster inhale vocals just for the sake of having a vocalist. Not to say there isn't a time and a place for those vocals, but we don't really feel that Madhammer is that time and place. We'll try anything at least once, but it's gotta add more to the sound than it obscures or takes away.


Who rocks your world, floats your boat and blows your skirt up? Any other bands you feel a kinship with?

Personally I'm into a vast array of stuff; currently been on a Ron Jarzombek streak, lots of Blotted Science. Animals as Leader is pretty swank, plus the classics like NWOBHM, The Big 4, Testament, Pantera, etc. I've also always been a huge fan of Robert Fripp.
Insofar as smaller indie label bands, I'm a huge proponent of Super Happy Story Time Land, they're a nutso avant garde death metal band from Washington. Another pretty awesome one is We Be the Echo, crazy instrumental tech metal. (Who are, it must be said, AWESOME)

What are the common ground influences between the band members? Where do you all touch base?

Lot of common ground between us in Pantera, Ozzy, Black Label Society, Iron Maiden, Death, Painkiller era Priest, some Mastodon; if it's metal, and it's awesome, we can usually get behind it together.

What are your future plans for world domination?

Release the 'Double AIDS', spur a war between Mexico and Canada, forcing the US into an isolationist state, then firebombing Antarctica and flooding the worlds coastlines.

Musically, we'll see. We're working on new material to flesh out an album, and we'll see what our cards hold this winter/next spring.

OK, obligatory stupid 'WTF?'type question, just to make me look like less of a lazy journalist - Who would win in a fight, HP Lovecraft or L Ron Hubbard?

Depends on what type of fight. In a fair fight, I'd side on Lovecraft. In a dirty fight, Hubbard. In a literary fight, Lovecraft hands down, as he would decimate Hubbard with vagueness and racial references to savages, but the fight would drag on for eons, going nowhere. Like Battlefield Earth. In a fistfight, Hubbard could probably take more blows, but might be exhausted from all the tax dodging and pederasty.

Anything else you want to say?

It's always worth it to go see a band that you know nothing about live on the off chance that they kick ass. Go out and give bands in your area a chance; if they're not playing in a stadium, that money you're paying is gas and survival money.


Smashing!!

Indeed.


Wasn't he a nice guy? So, now you know a little more about the band, their hopes, their dreams, their aspirations, I guess you'll be wanting to hear 'em, right?

Well, being as how this is the 21st century and all that jazz, Madhammer have a plethora, do you hear me? A PLETHORA of ways to check out their choonz.
You can kick it old school and go to MySpace, or, if you're so inclined, you can find 'em on Facebook, OR EVEN, HERE on Reverbnation, where you can listen to their music and do....other.....stuff. How's THAT for a plethora?

Madhammer recently did a live set on KHSU, which is apparently a radio station, and because we at Illogical Contraption are SO damn good to you, you can download their radio session tracks here. Ahh, what the hell, have this too.

Now get the hell outta here and check 'em out. G'wan, SCRAM!!!


Phew. Got through that WHOLE thing without ONE feeble M.C Hammer joke.....














.....dammit!

Earn cats with unwanted gold!!

HEY YOU!!

Do you have unwanted gold just lying around the place?
Do you need to get rid of some gold very quickly, no questions asked?

Would you like to turn THIS












into THIS?



















You WOULD?!? Errrr....I mean you WOULD?

Then simply click HERE and wait for your crib to be fillin' up with MAD pussy!!



















Thats right!! Don't delay, do it MEOW!!

EVEN BETTER THAN THE REAL THING

Hey, maybe you guys can help me out with something: the IllCon Fall Writer's Retreat is coming up soon, and being the proverbial "all-knowing and all-seeing sage" who runs the show around here, it is, of course, my responsibility to book musical entertainment for said retreat. I've been hanging out at TEI North Entertainment's website lately trying to figure it out, but I need some reader input as well. If you were me, would you book:

A) GARRETT WILKINS AND THE PARROT HEADS

B) SKYNNYN LYNNYRD

C) THE HIGHWAYMEN (is it legal to start a cover band with the same name as the original?)

D) PETTY THEFT

E) AEROMYTH

F) ABBACADABA

G) RUSTY EVANS & RING OF FIRE

H) JOURNEY UNAUTHORIZED

I) JOHN ANTHONY or

J) GWEN IN DOUBT?

Or should I maybe skip TEI North altogether, and go with something completely off-the-wall, such as:

K) NO DUH

What do you guys think? (extra points for contributing your own made up tribute bands--Manslaughter, you can go ahead and start this round...)

Die Kreuzen

I was listening to the mighty ELDOPA the other day, and I was struck by how much the song "Decomposing" reminds me of some of the slower to mid-paced tracks on Die Kreuzen's first LP. Songs like "Rumors", "All White" and "Sick People". Don't know exactly what it is, maybe just the singing.

Just how influential have these Wisconsin hardcore legends been? Have they? They fucking well should have, because their 1984 self titled is one of the most original and flat-out testicle shredding LP's of the '80s. When it came out, my bros and I would listen to it with furrowed brows, heads shaking solemnly, and the general consensus was that none of us had heard anything like it. That this was something special. 25 years later, and not one micron of it's barely-controlled-chaos intensity has been diminished. Songs like "Enemies", "Pain" and "Not Anymore" still give me sweaty palms and make me want to throw myself around the room breaking your furniture into matchsticks.

I know I'm probably preaching to the converted here, but if there's anyone who hasn't heard this slab of white-hot Milwaukee adrenaline, here it is. Doesn't matter of you're into metal, punk or whatever, you'll probably like this. I think I've heard that Corey Rusk doesn't take too kindly to file sharing, so this download link may be a bit touch and go... thank you, you've been great.

BUY
DOWNLOAD

THIS PLACE IS A FUCKING MESS

(Thanks to UE for image)

SERIOUSLY. WHO THE FUCK IS IN CHARGE HERE?!?! THIS PLACE IS MAJORLY FUCKED! THERE IS SHIT EVERYWHERE! MANSLAUGHTER! ARE THESE YOUR FUCKING DIRTY DISHES?! IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM?!? WHAT. THE. FUCK. SEANFORD! IS THIS YOUR FUCKING JIZZRAG?!?! ON THE COFFEE TABLE? SERIOUSLY? HAVE SOME FUCKING DIGNITY, MAN. DUDE! AYLMER! ARE THESE YOUR FUCKING EMPTIES?!?! ON THE FUCKING WINDOW SILL? YOU KNOW THE FUCKING LANDLORD IS GONNA SEE THAT SHIT, RIGHT?!?! JESUS.

That being said, I'd like to wish myself a hearty "WELCOME HOME" from a week of tropical frolicking. Unfortunately, my ramblings will be brief this Labor Day morning as I have massive amounts of cleaning to do here at ICHQ. Fucking slobs.

Anyway, a couple quick bullet points before I bust out the Fabreze and Draino:

- First off, some more shit to make fun of me for:

That's right, another shameless and humiliating attempt at publicity. Use these new buttons accordingly, depending on your (guh) "social networking" site of preference. Yes, I know it's fucking corny. Necessary evils, my brothers.

- Second, a hearty (and OFFICIAL) "WELCOME ABOARD" to our new contributors SCHULTZ (left) and THE THING THAT SHOULD NOT BE (right), correspondents from Tokyo and Manchester, repectively. Stoked to have you guys here. Man, I go out of town for seven days and all of the sudden IllCon is on FOUR CONTINENTS! (go ahead, count 'em.)

- Lastly: You guys knew I wasn't gonna come back from paradise without a present, right? Hell naw.

Well, speaking of The Thing and Schultzy, I was reminded of the Bay Area's DUH by a comment the former left on the latter's post about Steel Pole Bath Tub a couple days back, and was instantly launched into nostalgic revelry regarding this so-bad-they-were-good oddity. Yes, Duh wished like Hell that they could be Alice Donut, but despite landing a deal with Alternative Tentacles and extensive touring with The Melvins, they never came close. These guys were something of a nebulous SF "supergroup", counting among their ranks Spazz's Chris Dodge and Faith No More's Dean Menta (a fact they memorialized with the song "Our Guitarist Is In Faith No More"). But sometimes the whole can be less than the sum of it many flagellating parts. I'll admit it: this, their 1995 album The Unholy Handjob, can be nigh unto TERRIBLE at times, but it holds a special place in this writer's heart, grating though it may be. Check out their cover of the "Three's Company" theme song. Listen to the obnoxious live clips. Give "Swallow The Pill" a listen and tell me there aren't at least hints of genius therein. Really, I want you to have this. Really.

FUCKING DUH (dl)

Buy

Check out these assholes on the AT website.

Dexter Morgan is only the SECOND deadliest thing in Miami.....

The Bay Harbor Butcher? Pfft. Lightweight. I'm willing to bet that Miami, Florida's Shroud Eater have annihilated more people than Dexter's had hot gala luncheons.

I first came across this flesh-trident of METAL when i was asked to review their demo over at one of my other gigs, The Sleeping Shaman. I've reviewed a lot of ...meh...over there - y'know, 'stoner rock', 'post-rock' yawnsville ensembles, bands that never got over Iron Monkey, that whole thing - so i was totally unprepared to be quite so blown the FUCK away by them. I'm TELLING ya, this two-Jills-and-a-Jack band have got more and bigger balls than the London Welsh Male Voice Choir.
Think High On Fire playing Am Rep style noise-rock being driven along by a real-life fuckin' caveman, and frontwoman Jeannie Saiz has a set of pipes on her that would put Matt Pike to shame. Their debut 3 track EP just about rocked my damn face off, in fact you can read my unmitigated frothing-at-the-mouth style review HERE and see exactly how moist they got me.



Since I reviewed them, I'm proud to say that I've become kinda pally with Jeannie Saiz (Throat & Burning Metal Axe), Janette Valentine (Blower Bass) and Felipe Torres (Thunder Machine)via that modern wonder Facebook, and can honestly say that these are three of the most stand-up, rockin'est folks you could ever hope to meet.
Now, I've never been lucky enough to see 'em destroy faces live at close range, but you can find some footage up on their fancy-pants website and, because I loves ya, I've also added the video for their frankly SHIT-KICKING track 'We Are Beasts' right below below for your perusal and delectation. Don't say we never give you nuthin'...

Shroud Eater from Elephas Productions on Vimeo.

They just finished recording their debut full-length, and will soon be setting off on their first round of shows outside of Florida, taking in Georgia, North Carolina and ending up in New York, where they'll be playing with ex-Torche geetarist Juan Montoya's new ensemble MonstrO. The full list of dates is on the Shroud Eater MySpace page, just in case you feel the urge to go check 'em out. Which you TOTALLY should.

It ain't Fancy Metal, but it sure as shit gives me a boner. I love these gals and guy, and i want YOU to love 'em too. If you wanna get the EP, the first pressing is sold out right now, but there IS a second pressing due soon. Until then, you can download a widget, hoojamaflip, gizmo thang from their website, ORRRRRRRRRRR.....you can get the three KICK-ASS tracks by clicking on the song titles here - We Are Beasts, Vesuvius, Cyclone.

These fine, upstanding metalheads are not currently gainfully employed by a label, but you just keep an eye on 'em, cuz I'm pretty damn sure they'll be snapped up soon enough and will be smashing even MORE skulls in all over the goddamn PLANET. Beat THAT Dexter Morgan.

The Move

I was at a party once with a bunch of esteemed metal colleagues and the Scorps record or whatever just ended so I took a chance and tossed some Move on. I said fuck it man, The Move. Ten seconds later bottle caps were hitting the floor like bullet casings from a machine gun and the house shook with a massive thud as 12 dudes fist bumped in unison. Who knew? Metal heads love the Move.




These dudes later evolved to become the pioneering players of proto-fanciness known as ELO. This would be proto-proto fancy metal (but with flutes and sitars and shit). Anyway, this is a classic record.



HERE

Joseph

Sometimes when I’m thinking about posting a particularly obscure record that I’m fond of, I’ll get this weird protective urge to keep it to myself. It’s weird and I think that impulse comes from a dark place. And, considering how indebted I am to others that work hard to share music that’s special to them, this impulse is about as Treasure of the Sierra Madre as you can get (did you know the term Bogarting came from that film?).

Anyway, in the spirit of righteousness triumphing over selfishness, here’s some Joseph. Another one of my all time favorite dudes.





From somewhere:
“This is a rare album indeed and much sought after, originally released on the Scepter label (SPS 574) in 1970 and recorded in Memphis at the legendary American Sound Studios. The 'Joseph' was in fact Joseph Long or Joseph Longeria, discovered by the album's producer and A & R man Steve Tyrell playing in Houston in a battle of the blues competition. This is the only known foray into recording that Longeria made and he was a superb guitar player to boot. Stoned Age Man contains some of weirdest lyrics ever written. Check out 'I Ain't Fattenin' No More Frogs for Snakes' and the eastern 'Cold Biscuits and Fish Heads.' This is an obscure classic that lovers of blues rock should not hesitate to have in their collection... the voice you may ask... well think Roky Erickson, Jim Dandy and Beefheart....you can't really go wrong”

I found this record when I was roaming the west coast, despondent and penniless. At the time it was the perfect combination of desperation and ambivalence. Besides, starving a little just makes you tough. Enjoy these tunes while finding shade under a bridge.





this record is awesome

お～すっ！　何打コリャ！
This is Schultz from Tokyo Damage Report back again with something a bit more metal.

This LP always would be in the bins at the local record store in high school. I never messed with it on account of there was a naked lady, which a) gross, and b) anyone who needed sex to sell their music that bad probably was trying to distract the purchaser from the lame music. However, after Black Flag put out their 3d disappointing album in a row, it began to dawn on me that there would never be another "damaged" LP. Which made me want to get my Flag fix in other ways - so, like some crack-head who picks bits of drywall off the floor and tries to smoke it, I picked up Feast becuase it was on SST and had Chuck Dukowski in it. But I made sure to grab by the edges so I wouldn't touch the naked lady.

Anyway I put it on the turntable with scant hopes, and then HAD MY MIND FUCKING BLOWN.

This was like some '70s, Detroit, freak-out acid rock, mixed with Black Sabbath. Recently there's been a bunch of buzz about "proto-metal" and every single time I listen to some band that's been called proto-metal, it turns out that the band is proto-suck. (makes sense, since any band who is described as "post-" anything also sucks). WURM is the only proto-metal band anyone should listen to. Not only are the riffs catchy as hell, but the guitars are super dirty sounding. And the vocals.

Check that shit out.

To me, the mark of a great vocalist is not lyrics. Rock musicians generally are not that smart, and if you add musical conformity to the general dumbness and pretention, I mean. Can't tell you how many damn times I wished there was some button or Photoshop filter or whatever where you could press it and the lyrics would change into Italian / Russian / Spanish / any language I could not comprehend. So lyrics don't make a rad singer. Nor do tight pants. What does it? BEING ABLE TO SING IN A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT VOICES, AND SWITCH BETWEEN 'EM STRATEGICALLY. All the greats did this: H.R., Iggy Pop, and Atilla from Mayhem. Oh, and JAMES FUCKING BROWN.

And the Wurm singer - simon smallwood? Is that his name? This dude has that talent. He does what the BIG FOUR can do. Why is he not fully enshrined?!?!?

He can go from a crazy "dude-from-aerosmith-getting-shanked" scream to a demented Placido Domingo opera bellow, to a bluesy vocal. . . but it all sounds just unhinged.

Anyway, peep this.

And let me know if you know any other singers that got hella stylezzz like Mrs. Brown, Pop, HR, Attila, and Smallwood. おねがいします。

WURM