MYTHICAL CREATURES + ENCYCLOPAEDIA METALLUM = HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT!

Any metalhead worth his spikes has visited the online wonderland known as the Encyclopaedia Metallum (www.metal-archives.com) at least once or twice. This virtual grimoire of Metal bands contains listings, photos, discographies, and short bios of at least 67,700 groups (at last count), making it an ideal website to piddle away a rainy Sunday afternoon or two.
Knowing that cheez-metal bands have a propensity to include strong "fantasy" elements in their lexicon and/or imagery, I decided to sit down for a half hour or so and do a little research in the E.M. Archives. Punching in a few names of mythological creatures and other fantasy elements into a Google search, in addition to the word "metallum", the fruits of my labor surfaced instantly in the form of a whole shitload of corny/awesome/confusing bands that I had never heard of prior.
Let's take a look at some of these forgotten wonders. I began my quest by typing in "serpent metallum", which delivered me into the hands of the (probably) awesome band below, known as "Serpent's Knight". Not a bad start!



Formed in Seattle in 1981, Serpent's Knight only managed to release one demo and one full-length (1983's Released From The Crypt). But here's the stinger: Serpent's Knight once had a vocalist named FATHER SCORN! Awesome!
I totally wish I could have partied with these guys back in the day, Father Scorn in particular. And check out the pants/boots combination on that guitarist! Pure class.

Next up: Gargoyle.
Although there's another "Gargoyle" from Turkey, it's "Gargoyle" from Japan that truly fascinated me. Check 'em out:



"Avant-garde thrash metal" from Japan, Gargoyle has been active since the release of Misogi in 1989. They have since released no less than 15 albums, in addition to several best-of compilations, videos, singles, and DVDs, the most recent of which being 2008's full-length, Super Battle Gargoyle (!!!). How have I never heard of this band before?! Thank you so much, Encyclopaedia Metallum. Thank you so much.
Moving on...



Not to be confused with Sweden's prog-rock outfit "Unicorn", "Unicorn" from Germany are another group of awesome-pants-clad Bros I wouldn't mind sitting down and sharing some frosty suds with. With only one EP, 1987's The Legend Returns, to their credit, Unicorn were a bit of a "flash in the pan"... A beautiful, sparkling, blinding flash.
"Lyrical themes: Fantasy, Might, Epic". Niiiice.
PS: How can their FIRST album be a "Return"? I guess we'll never know...



Get a load of Poland's "Dragon". A thrash band with "Satan, Death, and Armageddon" listed as their lyrical themes, Dragon pumped out two split albums and five full-lengths from 1987-1999. Major bonus points for the haircuts, guys. Excellent.



Hailing from Osaka, Japan, is the mysterious one-man black metal band known as "Gnome". The only member of Gnome is a guy who goes by the name of "Wood".
Yes, Wood.



Guess what kind of music the shirtless wonders in Germany's "Wizard" play? Did you guess "Epic Power Metal"? You did? Wow! How did you guess?
In fact, most of the bands that turn up in a "fantasy"-themed search of the Encyclopaedia Metallum are some sort of symphonic/epic/progressive/power metal hybrid. And most of them have exactly ONE female in the band. Wizard was the only one I included here because of A) chest hair and B) the look on the guy's face on the far left.


Speaking of corny, fantasy-themed bands, check out Poland's awesomely-named "Crystal Viper". Crystal Viper contains two members of the aforementioned band Dragon. What an odd coincidence.

Not to be outdone:



What's even sweeter than a Crystal Viper? How 'bout a CRYSTAL FUCKIN' DRAGON, BITCH?!?
Great name, of course, but judging by the photo these guys have got to be total wads. Look at Portugese Bret Michaels up there. Pull it together, man.

I always wanted to start a prog-metal band called Pegasus (heavy on the keytars), but at least TWO bands actually beat me to it:



Melodic/black metal band "Pegasus", from Germany, has released two full-length albums, one titled simply Fantasy and another called The Epic Quest. The also have a 1999 EP called The Dungeon Master. Any D&D nerds in ths band? Naaah.



Then there's "Pegasus" from the UK, notable for two reasons: A) Despite the grainy band photo, this band is, in fact, BRAND NEW. B) The drummer/singer's name is "Sandman McHaggis".



Only in Japan: "Fairy Mirror", purveyors of "Melodic Power Metal". Fucking EXQUISITE.


HONORABLE MENTION:

Poland's "Wolf Spider". Not technically named after a mythical creature, but take a gander at that band photo! Especially Polish Dan Lilker over there on the right. Epic. These guys shared two split albums with Dragon, as well.





BANDS NAMED AFTER FANTASY/MEDEIVAL WEAPONS:



First off, we have "Mace" from Everett, Washington. A thrash/crossover band active in the mid 80's, Mace's band photo is an enigma unto itself. Take a close look. As Facedowninshit has taught us in the past, any band that poses with a doggie in their band photo is a sure winner. But secondly, look in the dude with the dog's right hand. To avoid any confusion about the band's moniker, he is ACTUALLY ARMED WITH A FUCKING MACE!!! Damn.



Next up is yet another "Mace", this one from Italy. Credited with only one release, 1989's State of Excitement, the sheer abundance of leather and Marshall stacks in this photo would indicate that it is a sure winner. Can anyone confirm or deny (I'm looking at you, Aesop)?



Jesus Christ. My discovery of Portland's "Dagger of the Mind" signalled that my quest was at an end. Practicing a style of music they describe as "Shakespearean Humor Metal", DOTM is, sadly, neither funny NOR Metal. No thanks, guys. No thanks.

One last thing:
Just a little tidbit I stumbled accross in the course of my research, a one man South American Black Metal band called "Snake Sad" (below). This guy may have just stumbled accross the best band name of all time. Kudos, sir.



So that's it. Maybe next time YOU have a little free time, you can try a little "random words" + "metallum" search of your own. I can tell you firsthand, it's probably the most rewarding thing you can do.

Have YOU accidentally discovered ridiculous/awesome bands on Encyclopaedia Metallum before? Let us know about ot in the 'Comments' section. Your diligence will be justly rewarded!

PURULENT JACUZZI - STENCH OF THE DROWNED CARRION (2008)

For my taste, Purulent Jacuzzi is a bit too "br00tal", the vocals a bit too "bree bree". But this album has three main factors going for it, all of which make it a standout:

A) Purulent Jacuzzi are from Russia, and all of their song titles/lyrics are very ESL.
B) Purulent Jacuzzi's songs are really fast and really short.
C) Purulent Jacuzzi are called "Purulent Jacuzzi".

'Nuff said.

Download HERE

THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL: G.I. JOE, THE WHEELED WARRIORS, AND SUBLIMINAL ANTI-ENVIRONMENTALISM IN THE 1980'S

Anyone else remember Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, the undeniably awesome cartoon that first aired in 1985 and returned (in syndication) from 1989-'96 on USA and Nickelodeon? That shit ruled.
Check it out:


Originally launched to support Mattel's fledgling Wheeled Warriors toy line (left), the show only made it for 3 months in its original incarnation, although 65 full episodes were produced.
Wheeled Warriors followed the story of Jayce, teenage leader of the Lightning League, whose botanist father disappears after a laboratory accident. It seems that a solar flare turned all of his plants into evil, shapeshifting creatures known as the Monster Minds who are in turn the antagonists of the show. But before his disappearance, Jayce's father, Audric, passes down half of a magical root to his son, which holds a magical secret. As a result, Jayce scours the galaxy in search of his dad, trying to combine his half of the root with Audric's half to unleash a mysterious destruction upon the evil Monster Minds.

Below: Saw Boss, organic ruler of the Monster Minds.



Awesome idea for a TV show, right? Of course.
But there are deeper issues here. Despite its visual and conceptual appeal, Wheeled Warriors held a very definite anti-environmental undercurrent, teaching youth that the Earth (and plants in particular) are evil and should be feared. How do we protect ourselves from the organic threat? Vehicles with superior firepower, of course. Technology. Military dominance. Am I reading too far into the plot of a children's television show? Maybe. But the 80's were uptight times. I would not be at all surprised to find out that DiC Entertainment (creators of Wheeled Warriors, along with countless other cartoon franchises) was receiving some sort of kickback from conservative groups. Do I have any proof? No. I don't need any.
Anyone writing a show about blood-hungry, vegetable-based anthropomorphic aliens has to have a Republican or two behind them. I won't deny that Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors was a kick-ass TV show. But I will question the moral ground its creators stood upon.

Below: The plant-based Monster Mind vehicle known as the "Terror Tank".


But this was all back in the ultra-Republican, militaristic Reagan era. Greenpeace was a public scourge and hippies were on the run. In retrospect, it's hard to imagine such flagrant anti-vegetablism ever even taking root in the Obama Age.

And don't even get me started on G.I. Joe: The Movie.


Oops, too late.

G.I. Joe was released in 1987, and almost seemed like the last gasp of the exiting Reagan Regime. Let's take a moment to consider the plot of this pro-military, anti-environment brainwashing machine:
In the film, we are first introduced to Cobra's true origins - a mysterious cult of biologically-friendly beings who reside in a Lovecraftian dystopia known as Cobra-La. Led by the part-snake mutant Golobulus (a character eerily similar to the aforementioned Saw Boss), the residents of Cobra-La predate the Ice Age, and plot to take back the Earth from its human captors. Golobulus recognizes that mankind's technology is polluting and destroying the planet, and through his puppet leaders Cobra Commander and Serpentor (below, right) vows mankind's demise. Eco-terrorism, anyone?

So how do the Joes combat this eco-centric scourge? Military supremacy, technology, and brute force. The bio-organic mutants are beaten back into their Himalayan hiding place, showing once and for all what happens to those who chose to live in tune with nature. This movie was GOSPEL to my generation. Did our tiny minds grasp the implications of its plot? Hell no. "JOIN THE ARMY AND KILL HIPPIES" was the film's true message, spelled out in flashing lazers, big explosions, and the howling of defeated organic beings.
I'll spare you my dissertation on the blatant racism rampant in the film, as well. That's a whole other post in itself.

So where did all this subliminal anti-environmentalism lead to in the early 90's? Let's brainstorm for a minute. Who was the shittiest, most boring protagonist from any cartoon in that era?
Without a doubt, anyone with decent knowledge on the subject would reply "Captain Planet, of course". Duh.
So think about it. In rad cartoons, the eco-terrorists are the BAD GUYS. But in lame snoozefests like Captain Planet and the Planeteers (also produced by DiC, I might add), the preachy, reprehensibly awful GOOD GUYS are the eco-warriors. Think about it.



For further proof, check out my last two 'Action Figure Corner' posts here and here. "Heroic" Moss Man = clean, antiseptic "pine" scent. "Evil" Stinkor = earthy, nefarious "patchouli" scent. BAM!

EMPEROR - IN THE NIGHTSIDE ECLIPSE (1994)

A monumental release from that magical Black Metal year, 1994. Amidst burning churches, murders, and suicides, Ihsahn, Samoth, Tchort, and Faust produced this epic recording, a raw, unpolished chunk of hatred and beauty. Necrolord (Kristian Wåhlin of Grotesque and Diabolique) supplied that sweet cover art, a classic of the genre.
I'm actually a bigger fan of Emperor's later stuff, but there's something subtle and enchanting about this record, a dark undercurrent that puts it in a class all by itself. This was Emperor's first full-length release. They were, like, ten years old at the time. Approximately.

Download HERE


(Yeah, I know, Mortiis didn't actually play on this album. But I'll take any chance I can get to post pictures of that fucker.)

SATURDAY MORNING DOUBLE FEATURE - IN HONOR OF VIRULENT DISEASE...

While we all still have that whole (government-manufactured) "swine flu" thing in mind, let's take a minute to talk about some REAL Pestilence, i.e. Holland's proto-tech-death-metal band Pestilence.
As much as I hate using the term, Pestilence was definitely "ahead of their time", pulling off some really weird riffage and crazy time changes WAY before anyone else. Far ahead of the curve on the whole Death Metal thing that blew up in '90 and '91, these guys injected the brutality with liberal doses of thrash and speed, making for an eclectic Metal style which was often mimicked in later years.
Europeans just plain DO METAL BETTER. It's true. Deal with it.

MALLEUS MALEFICARUM (1988)


Download HERE


CONSUMING IMPULSE (1989)


Download HERE


Above: TWO guys rocking Master shirts in a band photo = a VERY good sign.

BLACK RANDY AND THE METROSQUAD - PASS THE DUST, I THINK I'M BOWIE (1980)

Here's a very strange and special album from the early days of the whole new wave/punk movement. Black Randy and the Metrosquad were something of an enigma in L.A. in the late 70's and early 80's, a supremely offensive yet brilliantly orchestrated bit of funk/jazz/satire madness that would be impossible to cram into any one genre. If pressed, I would call them equal parts Black Flag and Frank Zappa, but with a no-holds-barred sense of humor that would would shame either of the two.
DO NOT download this album if you are easily offended. Although it's all in jest, Black Randy takes shots at just about everyone, from male prostitutes to African Americans to Idi Amin. The band even covers James Brown's "Say It Loud (I'm Black And I'm Proud)", which isn't all that offensive until you consider that everyone in the band was white. That being said, I highly recommend checking this stuff out. It's some truly fucked up/angry/funny/eclectic/stupid/crazy/interesting shit, definitely not for everyone but essential for those in on the joke.
Black Randy himself passed away in 1988, due to a drug-related HIV infection. Do your part to keep the memory alive (that is, if you have the stomach for it).

Download HERE

Black Randy and the Metrosquad perform one of their poppier numbers, "I Slept In An Arcade", in the recently re-released cult film Ladies And Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains:

80'S ACTION FIGURE CORNER PART 2: MOSS MAN

I didn't want to get too MOTU-centric with the first 2 'Action Figure Corner' posts, but I "figured" (pardon the pun) I should round out the "scented action figure" subject by posting on Stinkor's heroic counterpart, Moss Man. Released in 1985, Moss Man was given a "pine" scent by the brilliant manufacturers at Mattel, in addition to having a body covered in some sort of velvety green substance ("moss"). He was sold in a three-pack with Buzz-off and Mekanek (see below), which resulted in the other two guys reeking of "pine" for weeks after the packaging was initially opened.
Although he only appeared in two episodes of the He-Man cartoon (as well as a brief cameo in the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special), he was portrayed as a very powerful and mysterious character who had the ability to talk to plants and camouflage himself against any background.


I'm not really sure why the higher-ups at Mattel thought scented action figures were such a great idea (to me, it seems as though they were venturing into some majorly girly Strawberry Shortcake/Purple Pie Man territory), but they did, and Moss Man's existence is a tribute to the fact that kids (or rather, their parents) in the 80's would buy just about anything. And another thing: Apparently, no one at Mattel ever spent anytime in the Pacific Northwest, because moss DOES NOT smell like pine. At all.
Nice try, though.


Above: The "new" Moss Man, released in extremely small quantaties in 2002. Another example of modern toy manufacturers pooping all over my fondest memories. This is even worse than those "Calvin-pissing-on-a-49ers-logo" bumper stickers. WEAK.

FOUND ITEM #6

Muay Thai Kickboxing-as-fitness flyer posted on Sweet Baby Jay's car somewhere in San Francisco last week. Anyone else notice anything strange here? Like, perhaps, this part?:



Way to guilt us into taking kickboxing lessons, assholes. Jeez.