KALIBAS - PRODUCT OF HARD LIVING (2002)

Credit to former Cretaceous/current Apocryphon bassist Jumanji for suggesting Rochester, NY's KALIBAS to me recently--dude is a Bro amongst Bros despite his misguided Republican ideals, and beyond the sick grindcore recommends he even stooped to being my stand-in date for a Devo concert at the Fillmore this Saturday past. What a dude.
Anyhow, Kalibas' ultra-chaotic brand of spazzy, sample-laden death fits in nicely with the ol' IllCon Value System, although it's their dirty-basement-dwelling, semi-DIY aesthetic that really sets them apart from the camo-shortsed pack of hyper-riffadelic Suffo-clones out there. This is DM with a big old set of nasty, hairy balls--crunchy as fuck and miles from the sterile, studio-perfect tech that we've all learned to settle for a decade later. Apparently, they broke up shortly after the release of this album, but realized the folly of their ways and re-formed in 2007, enjoying a second life that brought us the epic Rumors of Our Demise Have Been Barely Exaggerated in 2011. I recommend checking it out, along with the smattering of other demos and splits these Sasqautchian Malmsteenites have produced over the years.

They're no Devo, but they'll do for a lazy Monday afternoon.
Your face = melted.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Metallum/Last.FM


ALSO:


Episode 18 of Illogical Contraption Radio is now up for download and streaming HERE.

Get lost in labyrinthine conspiracies about Kubrick’s The Shining with a cavalcade of goofy guests: our old pal Dr. Franklin Ruehl, drag goddess Peaches Christ, filmmaker Rodney Ascher, and Excepter’s John Fell Ryan. A stunningly redundant journey through the mind of Hollywood’s most brilliant hack, with heavy metal and drunken stupidity to spare.
GET ON IT!

SF on SF - Cretaceous

If these people die before they hear Cretaceous then they got off easy

Man, fuck you Cretaceous. I can’t think of anything I enjoy LESS than Cretaceous. I would rather break up with a girl that just found out she had cancer than listen to a full Cretaceous record. It’s like, if I had a time machine that I could only use once, would I prevent the holocaust or stop production on a Cretaceous album? That’s a fucking chin scratcher.

I read a review of the Cretaceous demo from ’08 the other day and the dude gave it a 3%, meaning a score of 3 out of a possible 100. A fucking 3! Are you fucking kidding me?? How does this demo deserve a 3??? Are you retarded? Did you get drunk and mistake it for music? Was their a lot of background noise at the time or something? Did you mistake some nearby construction for part of the track, thus having the brutal ass pounding that was coming through your headphones generously obscured by industrial noise? I mean seriously! Were you getting a blow job while you wrote that review? WHAT?? What could possibly have been going on that distracted you from the human rights abuses that were occurring sonically on this demo?

First of all, just listening to Cretaceous is like fucking your uncle. But then reviewing Cretaceous is like coming on his face. It crosses the line. It’s just not done. THEN, this clown writes, and I quote, Cretaceous is a “circus band”. A circus band? Aren’t you being a little generous with you’re use of the term “band?” He writes:

“Now what’s up with that tiger on vocals? Or is that a pig? Oh my god what the hell? Is this an animal circus jamboree or what?”

An animal circus jamboree??? ARE YOU FUCKING ME IN THE ASS RIGHT NOW? I would pay money to see an animal circus jamboree. Animal circus jamborees are wholesome entertainment for children. I would NEVER let a child listed to Cretaceous. I wouldn’t even let an adult who considered having children listen to Cretaceous for fear that the simple exposure to music this horrible would be enough to produce mutant offspring. Also, you can’t tell the difference between the sounds made by a tiger and a pig? That’s just sad.

He continues:

“I’m not even trying to be funny, I’m saying exactly what I think is going on. Now this atmosphere-less music must have been recorded on a cheap device, because none of these instruments sound together. The vocals are both mutilated goblin screams and pig roars, but both of them have no power and sound like they’re sort of being said, not shouted or exhaled with vigor.”

First off, YOU’RE FUCKING HILARIOUS. And why would Cretaceous use anything BESIDES a cheap device? No shit a cheap device retard. Why stick a million dollar microphone into a pile of shit when it’s still just going to sound like a pile of shit? Would you have put Cretaceous in a fancy studio? You’d have to burn it down. I don’t think you could even ask a breathing human being to enter a room after this barn orgy of a band got done sound fucking it. ALSO, now its goblin screams and pig roars?? Pigs roar now? At least you figured out what fucking animal it is but Jesus Christ, where did the goblin come from? Where you like, “you know, at first I believed it to be a tiger handling back up vocals but upon closer inspection I do believe the sound to be of Goblin origin”. They don’t have Goblins in the fucking circus jamboree you goddamnfucktard moron.

“The bass isn’t drowned out, so why are the guitars so buried like a batch of buzzing bees?”

Were you raped in a zoo? Why such a negative association with nature sounds? I don’t know about you but I think it’s almost blasphemous to equate this audio diarrhea with the natural music of gods creatures. Bees and pigs and tigers are all beautiful animals of majestic stature and great ecological importance. Cretaceous on the other hand is equivalent to AIDS in an aerosol can that you can spray right on to your face. Seeing Cretaceous live is probably worse than watching your parents fuck. Stop defiling the reputation of the entire animal kingdom by equating them with this unworldly sonic sodomy. If you asked me right now, would you rather cut off your dick or listen to Cretaceous for five minutes, I would say knife or scissors?

“The drumming is easily the worst – not only does it sound cold, hollow, and plastic, but there’s no power from it and I’m pretty sure a monkey is on it doing inoffensive blast beats and surprise cymbal / hat tricks instead of proper rhythm backing.”

DUDE! Get your mind out of the jungle. Also, how do you even make this distinction between instruments in the first place? Drums, bass, guitar? Where? I just hear the sounds of children screaming and homeless people being set on fire. If you played the Cretaceous record for a deaf person they would still stab themselves in the ears. Your review is offensive to animals, musicians, musician animals, and anyone burdened with the ability to either read or hear. Even just knowing about the very existence of Cretaceous is enough to prevent you from ever again achieving an erection or controlling your bowels. Maybe that’s why your review is so generous. You’re trying to lure other people into listening to Cretaceous so you wont be the only limp-dicked retard with shit running down their leg when you’re at the mall buying real metal CDs.

You end your review with: “I’d rather listen to Behemoths first demo”. Dude, seriously, get it through your thick, misshapen skull, Behemoth is a BAND. Cretaceous is punishment for molesting children. Cretaceous recordings could be used to interrogate terrorists if their very sound didn’t so thoroughly prove to the listener that god doesn’t exist and life is void of meaning.

Fuck you Cretaceous. And fuck you OzzyApu for kissing their ass with your pussy handed fanboy review. You’re all a bunch of assholes.




Check out OzzyApu’s original review here.

Download the Cretaceous EP here.

CRETACEOUS - SAURIAN JIHAD EP (Unreleased, 2009)

Hey all. My band broke up.
Here is a 5-song EP we recorded last year that will most likely never see the light of day otherwise. Enjoy.
And fear not for how Cobras will sate his metal hunger, I assure you larger and uglier things lurk on the near horizon, lumbering closer still even as we speak. When one door closes, an infinite number of other, stranger doors open. Such is the quantum nature of our existence. RIP Cretaceous. The past has been fun. Let's toast to the future.

THE CRETACEOUS PERIOD HAS ENDED (dl)

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE RE-DEFINED

There's not much to say:



Do I hate this? Do I love this? My mind is blown.

Full disclosure, guys: I play in a dinosaur-themed death metal band, and this... Well, does this upset me? Does this please me? Do I attempt to befriend Hevisaurus or attempt to destroy them with every fiber of my being? I have no previous frame of reference with which to gauge my reaction. I am baffled.

First, some background:

Hevisaurus are a Finnish "children's metal" band (just try to wrap your head around that one for a minute), composed (reportedly) of current and former members of Sonata Arctica, Stratovarius, and Yngwie and Dio's bands. Surfacing mid-to-late last year, Hevisaurus has taken the world of Finnish children's entertainment by storm, and are already (if we are to believe the video) playing small arenas. And yes, they actually play their instruments. There are holes cut out in the "hands" of their suits.
Insider information from You Ain't No Picasso, who had the pleasure (???) of catching their second-ever live performance:

"After the show I talked to someone from Sony Finland who was working with (created?) the group. Apparently the idea is that there would be different musicians to play Hevisaurus all around the world. Since all you need is a group of good metal musicians who don’t mind dressing up as dinosaurs and calling each other by names like “Riffi Raffi” and “Muffi Puffi,” you could have quite a few Hevisauruses touring the world at the same time. Really, it’s genius in a mad sort of way. And if it ever catches on, I’ll be able to say that I saw the first incarnation of Hevisaurus playing their second live show ever. You know, in case the residents of the nursing home where I live are very easily impressed."

Their website. Their Myspace.

The basic equation:

OK, fine. Whatever. It's all in good fun.

But then there's this:

Consider Hevisaurus guitarist "Riffi Raffi".

What the fuck is this shit?
Dude wears a fucking cross around his neck?
Maybe I'm pointing out the obvious here, but don't the basic tenets of Christianity DENY that dinosaurs ever existed? The rejection of Darwinism/evolution and all that?
What is this teaching the CHILDREN, Riffi Raffi? Like Marilyn Manson, you too must consider the effects your actions will have on today's youth. It's either Jesus OR dinosaurs. No middle ground, dude.

This performance features a character named Rony "The Little Gene", who is an eight-year-old kid in armor and corpsepaint playing hand drums. Again, my brain is unable to process this input:



Hevisaurus, "Viimeinen mammutti", which translates loosely to “farewell to the last Mammoth” (METAL in theory, right?). This is kind of like their "power ballad":

Below: Apparently, Finnish children are raised on a steady diet of pop metal and Jagermeister.

(Also, I must point out that I began writing this post before I noticed that Metalsucks had covered it, too. And I've got to admit: it hurts a little to see a post entitled "Dinosaur Metal" over there without a picture of MY BAND. Jealous? Maybe a little. But come on, man. If you're going to mix dinosaurs with your metal it should be brutal, thrashing death metal, right? Right? And CRETACEOUS was playing "dino-metal" FIRST. Fuckers.)

So yeah. I don't know what to say. Two of the core concepts I base my life around (heavy metal and dinosaurs) have been exploited, and it seems like a threat to my value system. On one hand, the quality of the music is total ass, but is it such a bad thing to feed thy children metal at such a young and impressionable age? Never. I've shared my thoughts on the cute-ification of metal before, but this time, the lines seem blurrier. Is Hevisaurus worthy of my derision, or am I just threatened by the fact that my band will no longer be the first result when you Google "dino-metal"? This is some next-level cognitive dissonace, man.

At this point, I should mention that the whole Hevisaurus conundrum came to my attention via the Trappy Award-nominated blog Bang Your Head Or I'll Rip It Off, written by Illogical Bro and Pro Hessian Billoney. Coincidentally, I received an entry for the IC Coloring Contest from ol' Bill this morning, and even though he missed the deadline, I still feel compelled to share it with you all:

Yup. Ronald Reagan = King Diamond. Damn.

And speaking of cognitive dissonance, brain pain, and shit that makes no sense together:

Ever wonder why no one has combined your three favorite subjects -- gay foot-fetish porn, Mexican food, and lycanthropy -- before? Wonder no more. Enter the world of Taco Gaywolf HERE.

(It's actually pretty tame -- mostly just pictures of dude in his underwear and a werewolf mask holding handfuls of shredded lettuce... Or is it?!?!?)

ASBESTOS DEATH - UNCLEAN (1989) / DEJECTION (1990)

THE BASIC TIMELINE:
Late 80's: Asbestos Death forms in San Jose, CA, comprised of Al Cisneros on bass and vocals, Matt Pike on guitar, Tom Choi on guitar, and Chris Hakius on drums.
1990: Choi leaves to form It Is I. Remaining Asbestos Death members recruit guitarist Justin Marler and rename the band Sleep. Marler later quits to join a monastery.
Mid-90's: Sleep breaks up. Pike forms the hugely successful High On Fire in 1998. Haikus and Cisneros form the drone metal band Om a couple years later.
2009: Sleep re-unites, etc. etc. etc.

So really, Asbestos Death was the protoplasmic ooze from which all of their further projects sprang. And the same spirit and sentiment that drives High On Fire and Om is indeed here, albeit in a far more primitive, raw, and malevolent form. This shit is fucking EPIC.
Also: 3 of the 4 songs contained on these records also appear on Sleep's Volume 1. Which you also need.

Call me an asshole, but I'll still take this over the new High on Fire anyday. Real talk.


UNCLEAN

DEJECTION

Purchase the Southern Lord re-issue containing both 7"s HERE


Also:

SAVIOURS
LECHEROUS GAZE (members of Annihilation Time)
CRETACEOUS

Thursday, March 5th. Eagle Tavern, SF.

THE TRAPPY AWARDS

It's that time of year again: Awards Season.
With the Grammys and the Golden Globes in the bag and the Oscars quickly approaching, I decided it was time for Illogical Contraption's first awards ceremony, with winners chosen by a diverse and accomplished panel of ME.

So welcome to the Trappys, my friends: An award ceremony recognizing the best of music, movies, and the internet for the last year or so. 10 categories. 40 nominees. The winners will recieve their very own Trappy and the smug satisfaction of knowing that they are better than everyone else. For the losers: Shame. Never-ending, soul-shattering SHAME.

I might not be the most well-informed guy, and my opinions on music and movies might not be that popular. But I wanted to let you guys know what has been blowing my mind for the last year or so. And yes, I've left out plenty of people, places, and things that deserve inclusion here. I hope no one's feelings get hurt, but I'm just trying not to think too hard today. Deal with it.

With all that being said, I believe now is as good a time as any to begin.

We'll start with the blogosphere...


1) BEST NEW BLOG

The nominees:

- I Kicked Your Car In The Balls: A blog about scrotums, automotive and otherwise, active since December 2009.
- Blog Bodies: If the MLB All-Star Game was a music blog, it would be Blog Bodies. Active since July 2009.
- Bang Your Head Or I'll Rip It Off!: A humorous romp through the world of metal. Written by qualified Hessian Billoney since September '09.
- The Beast Beats: Year-old blog nominated on the strength of that groundbreaking interview CeeStar did with the guitarist from Cretaceous. Epic.

And the Trappy goes to....


I KICKED YOUR CAR IN THE BALLS! (hold for applause)

What can I say? I'm a sucker for bad jokes about testicles. Here's to a long and prosperous future. Nice work.


2) BEST METAL BLOG

The nominees:

- Metal Inquisition: Recently asassinated by Stuff You Will Hate.
- MetalSucks: A blog where teenagers go to whine about "melodic deathcore".
- Invisible Oranges: Cosmo Lee knows more about metal than you.
- Hipsters Out Of Metal!: And Hessians out of indie rock (R.I.P. since Nov '09, bummer).

And the Trappy goes to....


METAL INQUISITION! (hold for applause)

Sure, M.I. has floundered in recent months ever since Sergeant D bailed to go krump-dancing and making graffiti with the kids or whatever. But over the course of the last year, no other blog made me laugh as freguently (or as hard) as this one did. Hopefully Lucho and the gang can pull off some sort of magical resurrection in the near future. Bonus points for covering shitty death metal from the 90's instead of hanging off the hipster beardo metallers' nuts like everyone else. Respect.


3) BEST MUSIC/MP3 BLOG

The nominees:

- Kick To Kill: Lots and lots and lots and lots of weird shit. Bluegrass, gangster rap, kvlt BM, Bay Area grindcore? Sure, whatever.
- Cosmic Hearse: That one blog where the drummer from Ludicra says funny stuff about albums you've never heard of before.
- [shiny grey monotone]: Just plain kicks ass.
- True Punk & Metal: An accurate name for an epic blog.


And the Trappy goes to....


COSMIC HEARSE! (hold for applause)

Seriously. No one else combines clever, insightful writing and amazing, obscure musical treasures quite like Aesop does. I don't know where he finds this stuff. Kvlt black metal cassette demos one day, Ram Jam's sophomore album the next, and an album by Freddy Kruger or Ultraman the next. Dude keeps you guessing.


4) BEST ART BLOG

The nominees:

- Monster Brains: Lots of awesome art involving all manner of monsters. Updated (almost) daily!
- Asides-Bsides: Greek comics FTW!
- Andrei Bouzikov's Art Blog: Dude paints album covers for Skeletonwitch, Cannabis Corpse and Municipal Waste. Nothing wrong with that.
- Anything by degelh: That guy is a fucking weirdo.

And the Trappy goes to....


ASIDES-BSIDES! (hold for applause)

Because of that sweet Greek metal post Helm did for IC yesterday. Fuck all.
He also lets his cat post on his blog, which I support 100%.

Honorable Mention - Hot Chicks Smiling At Ground Zero: This blog is beyond art. Far beyond.


Now for the non-blog world...

First up, music...


5) BEST NEW BAND

I don't listen to a lot of "new" music, so I'm pretty much completely unqualified to make a call here. But that never stopped me before...

The nominees:

- Blackholicus: Awesome NWOBHM-esque shredfest from Austin, TX.
- Latrommi: Most False And Ungrim.
- The GEORGE JEFFERSON STARSHIP TROOPERS: So esoteric, they don't even exist yet.
- Dutch Windmill: Featuring members of other, better bands.

And the Trappy goes to....


BLACKHOLICUS! (hold for applause)

I've got to thank Seanford for introducing me to this awesome group. From the name, I was expecting generic hipster black metal a la Nachtmystium. But what I got was rock-solid, female-fronted, riff-heavy mayhem that combines all the best elements of METAL from 1970 onward. I don't know shit about new bands. But I know Blackholicus rules.


6) BEST ALBUM

Again, what the fuck do I know about "new" music? Again, who cares?

The nominees:

- Mastodon - Crack This Guy (HAHA JUST KIDDING, FUCK THIS BAND.)
- Dethklok - Dethalbum II: Fuck off, I like Dethklok.
- Brutal Truth - Evolution Through Revolution: For drug crazed grind freaks only.
- Slough Feg - Ape Uprising: Ball-clutching simian Maiden worship. What's not to love?

And the Trappy goes to....


DETHALBUM II! (hold for applause)

Fuck off, I like Dethklok.


7) BEST LIVE SHOW

I don't go to many shows. Totally unqualified. Whatevs.

The nominees:

- The Metal Masters Tour: Judas Priest, Heaven & Hell, Motorhead, and Testament at the Shoreline Pavilion.
- At The Gates & Repulsion at The Fillmore.
- Reunited Carcass at The Regency Ballroom.
- Dethklok attempts to burn down The Fillmore.

And the Trappy goes to....


THE METAL MASTERS TOUR! (hold for applause)

C'mon! Lemmy, Dio, and Halford all in the same fucking place?!?! Forget about it!


In the movie world...

8) BEST SCI-FI and/or HORROR FLICK

Not the greatest year for movies, to be sure. But there were a couple decent flicks out there (hint: Daybreakers WASN'T one of them).

The nominees:

- Star Trek: Hopefully fueling another quarter century century of Kirk/Spock femslash.
- Avatar: Porn spinoff: Vagitar.
- District 9: Made me stop eating seafood.
- Rob Zombie's Halloween II: Just kidding.

And the Trappy goes to....


DISTRICT 9! (hold for applause).

Yeah, yeah. You all know Shelby Cobras as the "fuck CGI, shitty B movies from 1983 rule!" guy. But I'm not always That Guy. District 9 was the best (new) movie I saw last year. The CGI was unobtrusive, and the acting was not only believable but psychologically disturbing. It was a flick that worked on many levels.
The huge laser guns and biomech body-robot suits didn't hurt, either.


9) BEST KNOCKBUSTER TITLE

Click the link if you don't know what a 'knockbuster' is. Probably the best money-making scheme since the invention of money.

The nominees:

- Transmorphers: Fall of Man
- Snakes On A Train
- The Terminators
- The Woods Have Eyes

And the Trappy goes to....


SNAKES ON A TRAIN!

It takes a very unique type of brilliance to come up with an idea this dumb. My hat is off to both The Asylum and Blockbuster, both of whom make a lot of money off of this type of stuff. Kudos.


And lastly...

10) LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD (I apologize, but our parent company Illogical Contraption Recombination DNA Laboratories, Inc. has demanded that we include the following category)

BEST SUCCESSFUL DNA STRAND RECOMBINATION IN A BIOLOGICAL SPECIMEN

And the Trappy goes to....

BEARSHARKTOPUS.


(hold for applause)

So there you have it: My uninformed, poorly thought out picks for 2009/2010. I'm sure that most of you disagree with what The Academy has chosen, so feel free to add your own Trappy nominations down there in the 'Comments' section. Extra points if you cover all ten of these categories.

More Trappys 2/2/2011. Thank you, and good night.

SHOWS, etc.

CRETACEOUS
HELL HATH NO FURY (L.A.)
WORM UOROBOROS (Profound Lore)
with DJ's AESOP and THE COBBETT



HAIL SATAN (Mercyful Fate tribute band)
FLOATING GOAT
DALTON
POTENTIAL THREAT


Does anyone in the Bay Area even read this blog?

In other news, Scientologists have solved the crisis in Haiti and Steve Jobs has announced the release of a really big iPhone.

CRYPTICUS - THEY CALLED ME MAD! (2008)

Crypticus is the death metal alter-ego of one Patrick Bruss, resident of Denver, Colorado, teller of tales, and purveyor of sick riffs and arcane lore. This mostly one-man project (drums are often handled by a sequencer, but in the case of Mad! were handled by one C. Kumpe) displays a certain lo-fi charm and penchant for thrashy riffing, but what really gets me are both the inherent fascination with the works of H.P. Lovecraft and the Hammer horror-esque vibe present throughout this recording. Using a combination of tinny organ intros, late night horror-movie samples of curious dialogue, and superbly gurgly vocals, Bruss creates more creepy atmosphere than most major label releases ever could, drenching this particular album in equal parts camp and br00tality. Utmost respect to a guy who can incorporate the whole Lovecraft mythos so deftly into his work, and even name drop HIMSELF in the process (see track 1, "Strange Facts In The Case of P.E. Bruss").

Download HERE
Purchase HERE


Crypticus on Myspace



BOGUS BONUS:

Did I mention that CRETACEOUS is playing with THE FUCKING MENTORS at Burnt Ramen in Richmond this Saturday? I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this particular course of events, but it should be... interesting?... if nothing else.
Extra points to the promoter who ALMOST spelled our name correctly on the flyer:


And in related news...

SO THIS IS PRETTY COOL...

A sort of "living animation" project, created by artists Blu and David Ellis. I'm guessing these guys are probably Burners, but I forgive them. This shit is pretty fucking rad:



Also....


Go check this show out next Friday if you're in the Bay Area.

EL DOPA was one of my favorite East Bay crustcore bands back in the mid-to-late 90's, and their Prank 7"s were constantly in rotation at the scummy punkhouses I lived in back then. They changed their name to 1332 at some point and then broke up, but reunite every couple years or so to play somewhere. I'm super stoked to be playing a show with them.
Also on the bill are THE MAKAI from Chico, who are pretty goddamn brutal too.

Cretaceous on Myspace

AWESOME CONTEST ALERT: DESIGN A NEW HEADER FOR ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION, WIN A FREE SANDWICH*!

As you may have noticed, I took an anonymous commentator's advice from the other day and decided to change the ol' I.C. header image. It was an eyesore (especially for Windows users) and I've never really been happy with the font, subtitle, or pixelization of the goddamn thing. Lucky for me, Illogical Bro Helm offered to design a new logo out of the kindness of his heart. Helm rules, and I thank him for his contribution.

But I butchered Helm's beautiful logo by making it too "stretchy". (Update: Helm sent me a better stretchy version, God bless him, which is now serving as the temporary I.C. header.) It should look like this:


...Or this:



Anyway, I'm no graphic designer (this will come as no surprise to readers of this blog), and I really wish I could design a new header that would do this blog justice. Which got me to thinking: There are plenty of talented folks out there reading this, let's make it interesting. Past graphic-design contests returned epic results, so why not open it up again? I want to see your take on what the I.C. header image should be, and the winner will have their entry displayed at the top of this page, all the time, forever (or until I get tired of it). I like the idea of juxtaposing the Large Hadron Collider with the phrase "illogical contraption", but I'm sorta tired of looking at that thing. Fantasy, metal, horror, mythology, and sci-fi are all parts of this blog, so anything along those lines would work. And it should probably be somewhere in the 1000/1200 x 300/400 pixel range to look right. And that's about it. YOU get published on one of the most popular blogs in THE WORLD, and I get free labor. EVERYONE WINS!

As usual, mail your entries to illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com. And download Helm's original, hi-res, black-on-white version of the logo here.

Here are a couple of shitty attempts I made at creating new headers -- Like I said, I'm no graphic designer, but maybe they'll help get the juices flowing:

Too "fantasy". Also, too tall:



Too "gamer":



Too simple/stupid:



Too, um... Something.



So get on it! Don't pretend like you've got anything else to do this weekend. All entries will be published, and although I *lied about the sandwich, I will send the winner free copies of both the CRETACEOUS and DALTON CD's (as soon as they're done). We'll keep the contest open until... Halloween. OK? AWESOME!

Any questions?

UNLEASH THE SAURIAN HORDES

After a brief 2-month dormancy, your old pals CRETACEOUS are back from quasi-extinction, with not one but TWO epic shows in the next week and a half. Bay Area shred-rats, take note. YOU WILL BE IMPOLITELY DEVOURED.

This Saturday, October 24th, at Your Hauz, Oakland:

w/ ZOMBIE HOLOCAUST
PILLAGER
INVECTION
and HEADLESS PEZ from Portland.

Followed by a very special show on All Hallow's Eve at Amnesia in SF, with female-fronted Black Sabbath tribute act BOB SAGGATH.

And speaking of parties...

Update: In a rare show of utter and complete lameness, both Pillager AND Zombie Holocaust have dropped off the bill for this Saturday's show at Your Hauz. We are currently looking for replacement bands, if anyone is interested you can contact me either via email or through the blog.

Updated update: Headless Pez had van problems and dropped off the show as well. Jesus Christ. Anyhow, some Bros stepped in to fill the bill, and the new lineup will be Cretaceous, Invection, Abrupt, You Die, and TV.

SATURDAY MORNING DOUBLE FEATURE: THE PHANTOM MENACE

Jumanji got kind of mad at me because the only Phantom Limbs release I've ever featured on Illogical Contraption was their demo, which he didn't actually play on. So here's two more, both of them great albums and both of them featuring the notorious Jumanji Miller on guitar.

The Phantom Limbs were weird dudes who played weird music, two of whom I deal with on a pretty regular basis to this very day. If you aren't familiar with their sound (and you probably aren't), it's sort of a dirty, carnival-esque deathpunk freakout thing, heavy on the keyboards and featuring one of the most frightening and engaging frontmen since G.G. Allin. Alas, the Limbs are no more, but Alternative Tentacles recently released a greatest hits/retrospective/documentary CD/DVD thing about them (above, right), which you can get here. It's pretty goddamn funny/disturbing, and also features a Cretaceous song in the bonus features. Which is the worth the cover price alone.

DISPLACEMENT (2003)

Download HERE

Purchase HERE

APPLIED IGNORANCE (2001)

Download HERE

Purchase HERE