APOCRYPHON SPRING DATES 2013

- THURSDAY, MARCH 21ST, @ DNA LOUNGE, SAN FRANCISCO
W/ LANDMINE MARATHON
MAN AMONG WOLVES
AT OUR HEELS

- FRIDAY, MARCH 29TH, @ ON THE Y, SACRAMENTO
W/ FACINOROUS
FIENDS AT FEAST
EMBODIED TORMENT
FALL OF MAN

- SATURDAY, MARCH 30TH @ JOHNNY V'S, SAN JOSE
W/ CYANIC
FIENDS AT FEAST
+1 MORE TBA

- FRIDAY, APRIL 12TH @ HEMLOCK, SAN FRANCISCO
W/ HAZZARD'S CURE
NECROT

- FRIDAY, APRIL 26TH-SATURDAY, APRIL 27TH: "FESTUM CARNIS", SODA SPRINGS, CA
W/ ABSU (!!!)
GRAVEHILL/WITCHAVEN/NOCTURNAL FEAR
NUCLEAR DESECRATION/VALDUR/HELLHUNTER
BADR VOGU/MINENWERFER/ROTTEN FUNERAL
NIGHT NURSE/BLACK FUCKING CANCER/HUMAN FILTH
VILE MASS/CYANIC/BLASPHEMOUS CREATION
TEMPLE OF DAGON/MALEFICUS/HELLBOMBER
HEMOTOXIN/XENOTAPH/DEMON SEED
VALLEY OF THORNS/ARCHEA/ More TBA...

- THURSDAY, MAY 2ND @ THE SHANTY, EUREKA, CA
W/ BANDS TBA

- FRIDAY, MAY 3RD IN SEATTLE, WA
VENUE AND BANDS TBA

- SATURDAY, MAY 4TH @ ASH STREET SALOON, PORTLAND, OR
W/ BANDS TBA

Split album (+ vinyl!) and new shirts on the way soon! Catch updates via Apocryphon's Facebook page...

PS: ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION IS NOT DEAD. Complete re-design and re-launch coming in the very near future! Any and all brogrammers, artists, writers, or other assorted freaks looking to toil under the IllCon banner for little or no reward (especially brogrammers) write to Cobras at illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com. ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU OBEY ME AND I WILL BE YOUR SLAVE.

MYSTIFIER - GOETIA (1993)

As promised in Monday's post, MYSTIFIER's follow-up to 1992's Wicca (and precursor to 1996's The World Is So Good That Who Made It Does Not Live Here). Smoke meth and worship Satan.

Download HERE

we do pacts with our bearded idol and
have intercourse with female demons
we sin against the father by falsehood
and against the son and the holy ghost by hatred and debauchery
we were jesuits who failed
we hate the roman catholic doctrine
we were accused of heresy
we perished in flames of inquisition

Metallum/Last.FM

MYSTIFIER - WICCA (1992)

Brazil's MYSTIFIER bring plenty of desirable elements to the table with their debut full-length, Wicca: a shit-ton of tinny, flailing, drum-machiney blastbeats, indecipherable, effects-drenched vocals, weird chanting and solemn incantations, weedly-weedly tapping solos, chunky, farting bass, and ethereal, atmospheric keyboards--but the most important element, to be sure, is the stifling, omnipresent aura of pure, unadulterated, Satanic EVIL present here, in the lyrics, the artwork, the aesthetic--but mostly, the deep, haunting weirdness of the MUSIC. Mystifier shred balls with the best of 'em, but there is a touch of off-kilter zaniness--of the "outsider" perspective--to this band that cements their status as one of blackened death metal's most interesting imports.
We last checked in with these guys waaaayyyy too long ago, via a post Brother TMM wrote about 1996's ESL masterpiece The World Is So Good That Who Made It Does Not Live Here, and before that, Mystifier made their IllCon debut with the face-melting track "Give The Human Devil His Due" on the Gummo soundtrack. Wicca is fucking great, but this band only got better as the years went by (I'll provide evidence in the form of 1993's Goetia here soon), and I plan on keeping abreast of their progress with a much higher level of scrutiny in the foreseeable future.
Let's all head out to a misty clearing in the woods and crucify a dude for the Dark Lord to the strains of Wicca tonight, OK? It's not like you've got anything better to do.

Download HERE


Another band photo from back when they were just wee lads:


Alternate (original?) cover art:

Metallum/Last.FM

HOW TO NAME YOUR DEATH METAL BAND, PART 3

Welcome, again, to an ongoing 5-part Friday series, designed to assist the fledgling death metal musician in the most difficult aspect of his or her career path: NAMING THE BAND. As we all know, a good band name is of the utmost importance when it comes to the success of your group. Rather than prattle on with useless advice, Illogical Contraption has chosen the simpler path, which is learning by example. Professor Cobras himself has scoured the very bowels of Encyclopaedia Metallum, choosing 100 of the VERY BEST death metal band names (out of almost 25,000) for your consideration and/or ridicule. These 100 bands have been split into sets of 20 by category, and these categories in turn have been broken down into smaller sub-categories. Hopefully this series will be of some use, as its painstaking creation was something of a "labor of love" for all parties involved. So without further ado...

(Read Part 1 HERE, Part 2 HERE.)


THIS WEEK'S LESSON: HOW NOT TO NAME YOUR DEATH METAL BAND

Today we learn by "reverse example", i.e. making good decisions about naming your death metal band based on bad decisions other bands have made in the past. A really bad name will absolutely destroy the momentum of your band, repelling prospective fans rather than drawing them in. No one wants that.
So this post might be a little bit of a "downer", as we slog our way through 20 bottom-feeders on the great death-metal-band-name food chain. But fear not, Professor Cobras has GREAT THINGS planned for Part 4 AND Part 5. To quote Ahh-nold in Commando, "STICK AROUND".


SUB-CATEGORY A: "INTROSPECTIVE" DEATH METAL BAND NAMES

Sorry, DECEMBER FLOWER, but being from Germany won't get you a free pass this time. The word "flower" (along with other reprehensible terms like "butterfly", "bunny rabbit", and "rainbow" -- Unless you're RAINBOW) has no place in a metal band's name, and months and seasons are off limits as well. No "February", no "Autumn", no "Springtime". The exceptions, of course, being "Winter" and "November" (and "November" is only okay if you're the obscure Canadian all-girl death metal band NOVEMBER GRIEF... Which you're not).

Although they advertise themselves as "Czech Absurd Grind Machinery", I will not go anywhere near BIG YELLOW DAY, solely based on their terrible name. What are you guys, an R.E.M. cover band? This is awful. Shape up or ship the fuck out.

Luckily, CLEARING AUTUMN SKIES broke up in 2003. I say "luckily" because they were from San Jose, California (only 45 minutes away from me), and if they were still around I might be tempted to go on a road trip just to track them down an punch them all in the face. "SEASONS" are OFF LIMITS. Your band name sounds like the title of a Jim Croce song.

Oh, look! WHISPERING TEARS are from Paaaris! They must be so sensitive and intelligent! Merci for gracing us all with your "Dark Emotion Death Metal".
Somebody needs to smack these sissies upside the head with a stale baguette. Your "emotion" has no place in MY death metal. Tres lame.

Granted, CANDLE SERENADE ("the first black metal band in all of Northern Portugal!") has an awful fucking name. But I will admit to being quite charmed by that band photo down there. They've really captured a whole "deer in the headlights" aspect of BM band photography that I've never really seen before. They're so surprised at having their picture taken. Also, they are "vampires".

SUB-CATEGORY B: JUST PLAIN STUPID DEATH METAL BAND NAMES (NOT EVEN GOOD STUPID)

Fine line here, guys. Pay attention.

Germany's ABSTINENZ would like us to believe that their inability to get laid is THEIR CHOICE. I ain't buyin' it.

"How To Fail At Death Metal" by BAD TO THE BONE, Modena, Italy:

1) Be a juggalo.
2) Wear Adidas track suits.
3) Stick your thumb out when throwing up the horns, so that your hand gesture means "I love you" rather than "Satan".
4) Hold band practice in the basement of the local Rec Center.
5) Let your uncle (second from right) play bass.
6) Name your band after a George Thorogood song.

Okay, ZOMBIE LOLOCAUST, I get it. You're only in it for the "lulz". But played out internet references have no place in death metal whatsoever. Might as well just call your band "Morbid Keyboard Cat" or stick one of ":)" these in there.
PS Zombie Lolocaust have a credited fourth member in their band, who acts solely as a lyricist. An obvious necessity, when you have song titles like "I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream... Yer Mum's A Slut" and "Kick My Junk".

Possibly acceptable, BRITNEY, had your band name been a reference to Britny Fox. But the spelling implies that you are referring to a different "Britney". I don't even want to speculate on which one it might be.
Not cool, even if you're from Switzerland AND there's a girl in your band.

Wait just a minute. CRIMINAL JAMMAGE? From IRELAND? DEATH METAL? CURRENTLY ACTIVE?
There's some major cognitive dissonance going on here, possibly even a tear in the very fabric of the space-time continuum. Because last I checked, "Criminal Jammage" is a name far better suited for some sort of terrible funk/hip hop fusion project out of Fresno in the mid 90's. My mind is blown.

Okay, so "DEPRESSED MODE" was a joke me and the Bros had in high school, a play on "Depeche Mode" that we'd use to make fun of the goth kids. And it wasn't even that funny. And humor has no place in "melodic doom metal" anyways. Why? Finland can't be that far behind the rest of the world, culturally speaking. Can they?
If you're going to use a bad high school joke, may I suggest "TACO HELL"? At least it sounds kind of metal.

BAD ESL NAMES:

Almost always, the inability to speak English is a benefit for dudes naming their metal band (more on this next week). You get some great phrases out of the situation, which are far beyond the mental grasp AND creative faculties of the average native English speaker. But some guys just miss the mark completely. Two examples of this rare occurence are shown below:

Take, for instance, Brazil's SAUNTER. The dictionary definition of "saunter" is "a careless leisurely gait", and for me, at least, it conjures images of extended pinkies, Victorian tea parties, and effeminate old men wearing monocles.

Tea Party Attendant 1: "Oh my! What a lovely lace doily! By any chance did you catch the heavy metal concert in which Saunter performed last evening?"

Tea Party Attendant 2: "Heavens yes! Never have I witnessed such a clever combination of grinding blasts and br00tal fucking slamz!"

Why are you doing this to me, Italy? First Bad To The Bone and now UNCORK? Fucking UN - CORK, like a bottle of champagne? Really?

SUB-CATEGORY C (THE WORST OF ALL): "CUTE" DEATH METAL BAND NAMES

At least North Carolina's PANDA PARTY had the common decency to change their name (they are now "Fed To The Forest"). But I wonder if Panda Brandon, Panda Alan, Panda Mitchell, Panda Chase, and
Panda Niarfe still perform under their former stage names? Gee, I hope so.

Tolkien references are neither uncommon nor unwelcome in the world of metal. But HOBBITS OF THE SHIRE (above), from Austin, Texas have taken it too far. Hairy toes or no, hobbits just AREN'T METAL. Orcs? Yes. Mordor? Yes. Just not hobbits.
I've got to at least give these guys credit for writing a song called "Panteradactyl", though.

Guess what "P.L.F." stands for. Punctured Lung Fuckers? Pissing Liquid Faeces? Psychotic Lacerated Fibrosis? Portable Latrine Factory? No, no, no, and no.
PRETTY LITTLE FLOWER? Yes.

The "fantasy" element is a double-edged sword in death metal. Wizards and unicorns and elves and shit are a risky gamble, but can pay off if referenced with the right amounts of both humor and sarcasm. But Toronto's ENCHANTED FAERIES swung and missed.
HARD.

BUBBLES is from New Jersey. Which is even more head-scratchingly absurd than Manowar's Hail To England. Is New Jersey the "new" Italy, in regards to bad band names? Stay tuned...

Much like their fellow countrymen December Flower, CUTE RAGE receives no quarter based on the fact that they're German. I don't care where you're from, "cute" is NOT allowed in death metal. A MAJOR "no-no". Or a major "nein-nein", depending on linguistic preference.

Closing things out today is Washington state's SUPER HAPPY STORY TIME LAND.

Um.

No comment.

BONUS! UNUSED DEATH METAL BAND NAME OF THE WEEK:

COLOSTOMY ROT!!!

Tune in next week for 20 more bands who have raised the act of naming a death metal group from mere science to high art...

HOW TO NAME YOUR DEATH METAL BAND, PART 1

Welcome to a new 5-part Friday series, designed to assist the fledgling death metal musician in the most difficult aspect of his or her career path: NAMING THE BAND. As we all know, a good band name is of the utmost importance when it comes to the success of your group. Rather than prattle on with useless advice, Illogical Contraption has chosen the simpler path, which is learning by example. Professor Cobras himself has scoured the very bowels of Encyclopaedia Metallum, choosing 100 of the VERY BEST death metal band names (out of almost 25,000) for your consideration and/or ridicule. These 100 bands have been split into sets of 20 by category, and these categories in turn have been broken down into smaller sub-categories. Hopefully this series will be of some use, as its painstaking creation was something of a "labor of love" for all parties involved. So without further ado...


THIS WEEK'S LESSON: BAND NAMES INVOLVING ANATOMY AND/OR ANIMALS

It's always a good idea to include either a body part and/or a type of animal in the name of your new death metal band. Both are well-established traditions in the DM world, and in doing so you will give the impression that you are familiar with the perameters of the genre. In the following post, we will explore the different directions you can go with these ideas, via several bands that have done it well. Results are broken down via sub-categories A, B, and C.


SUB-CATEGORY A: ANATOMICAL DEATH METAL BAND NAMES

We will begin our quest gently, with Italy's affectionately-named CARNIVOROUS VAGINA. These guys pride themselves in the fact that they sound exactly like Mortician, and in fact procured the skills of Mortician's Will Rahmer (great porn name, PS) to produce their album. Not the most original vision for a band, but a fine example of how a good anatomy-inspired band name can really "sell" a band. Bravo.
Only 99 more to go...




Then again, we have the "simpler is better" approach, as practiced by Holland's SCROTUM. Although Scrotum have very little information available on the internet, Myspace or otherwise (Googling "scrotum Myspace" was a bit of a disaster anyways), I think it's safe to say that we can expect great things from this aptly-named band in the future.




Bridging the gap between Carnivorous Vagina and Scrotum is Germany's DICKSAW, whose 2001 album Planet Bitch nearly re-definied mediocre pornogrind. A simple enough name, with the prescibed anatomical reference combined slyly with a carpentry tool. Good job, Dicksaw. And the "cape-and-diapers" look is never a bad call.




Another "simpler is better" band name comes in the form of Norway's BUTTOCKS, who obviously understand the importance of a posterior reference. Asses are VERY METAL, as any member of Buttocks will agree. Read on for further proof...




Making things a little more specific is Finland's RECTUM, who also abide by The Power of The Ass when it comes to band names. In general, the more specific the better when we're talking body parts and band names, but it will takes us dozens more examples and several more weeks to fully explore this realm. Speaking of The Power of The Ass...




You just can't go wrong putting the word "ass" in your name. Just ask Germany's ASSFIST (above) OR Brazil's ASS FLAVOUR (below). It's win/win. Case closed.


But some bands decide to double up, and as a result, formulate some of the most brilliant band names possible. Such as...


Germany's ANAL PENIS. Like Anal Cunt, these guys realized that the equation (funny body part) + (funny body part) = AWESOME DEATH METAL BAND NAME. With a name like Anal Penis, no one will even care what your music sounds like. They'll be too busy buying your shirts and stickers to even notice. I hope you guys are taking notes.

SUB-CATEGORY B: DEATH METAL BAND NAMES INVOLVING ANIMALS

New York's LOBSTER APOCALYPSE have the right idea. Simply using the word "apocalypse" in your band name is played out and predictable in the death metal world, but adding on a curveball like "lobster" is just the right touch of stupid/brilliant. Crustaceans = METAL. 'Nuff said.



Another clever idea is the use of a "cute" animal name in conjunction with some sort of morbid or grotesque imagery. Late 80's Hungarian grindcore band KITTEN REMAINS understood this concept well, and although no band photo and/or information on the group seems to be available on the internet, the sheer power of their name alone guarantees that their memory will not fade.

France's ROTTEN POODLE obviously got that memo, too.

But GOATS are by far the most metal species in the animal kingdom, and incorporating one in your band name is never a bad idea. Just ask England's GOATPUNCHER. Goats are metal, indeed. But punching goats? Metal beyond belief.

Another popular use of the goat is the "over-long goat-oriented band name".

Example B1: Mexico's MISANTHROPIC GOATHAMMER.

Example B2: England's NECROSADISTIC GOAT TORTURE.

Moving on...


SUB-CATEGORY C: DEATH METAL BAND NAMES INCORPORATING BOTH ANIMALS AND BODY PARTS (BONUS POINTS)

Major respect out to Acapulco's NASTY PIG DICK, who refused to let their feeble grasp of the English langusge hinder the creation of a great band name. A prime example of how the combination of an animal name and a body part will always come up Milhouse.


Q: Do mythical creatures count?
A: Yes. And Dutch metallers ASS GOBLINS prove it. According to Encyclopaedia Metallum, these guys write songs about "Pizza, Porn, Goblins, and Beer", an array of subject matter as eclectic and pleasing as the name itself.




Leave it to Brazil to give us a band as visually striking as these guys. Ski masks, blowtorches, camo pants and all, the well-named GOAT PENIS has an all-encompassing flair for all things metal, carrying on a national tradition nearly as old as the very genre of death metal.



While we're on the subject of penises, let's take a moment to pay our respects to Italy's PENIS LEECH (below). In a rare show a bad taste, these guys changed their name in the early 00's, effectively putting an abrupt end to something magical and sublime. Needless to say, the words "penis leech" bring some truly disturbing images to mind, which is exactly what a death metal band name should do. Why, Penis Leech? Why?




Once again, France comes through, this time in the form of grindheads VAGINAL CHICKEN. Their latest release, 2009's Hangover Chicken, was released on Inhuman Homicide Records, proving that a killer band name will get you not only chicks and T-shirt sales, but also the occasional record deal.




Lastly, we have the wonderfully-named KOKTOPUS, straight out of Kansas. If you want to talk about disturbing mental images, these guys nailed it. The thought of an eight-dicked sea creature bearing down on you in the depths of the Mariana Trench is METAL AS FUCK, and hence, Koktopus wins at the band-naming game.

BONUS: UNUSED DEATH METAL BAND NAME OF THE WEEK!

"SHEER FART ATTACK". It's all yours!

Tune in next week for 20 more bands who have raised the act of naming a death metal group from mere science to high art...