ATTENTION ALL C.H.U.D.S

Illogical Contraption Radio has a new home, Sundays 6-8pm PST on Radio Valencia! This means we’ll be broadcasting LIVE on TERRESTRIAL radio (87.9 FM in San Francisco), as well as streaming live and podcasting! Archives will now be kept on our Radio Valencia page in ADDITION to here on IllCon Classic, but fear not, if you’re already subscribed via iTunes, that feed will remain active as well. We have tons of crazy guests and new features lined up, so prepare to have your face melted!

ALSO: BIG APOCRYPHON NEWS COMING SOON, AS WELL AS UPDATES REGARDING THE FUTURE OF "ILLCON CLASSIC"...

Stay tuned.

 

 

BIG NEWS

Right: Me, being excited.

That's right, gang. The image you see above is not just a clever Photoshop creation--Illogical Contraption "Death To False Radio" T-shirts are NOW AVAILABLE (for only $12, plus shipping!) via our good pals over at Hide The Bodies Press (go "like" them on Facebook while you're at it). I think we can all agree that this is a pretty fucking sick design, so save up your fuckin' paper-route money, then head over HERE to buy one. HUGE thanks to Paul and the gang at HTB for making this happen, we will soon grow incredibly wealthy off the hard-earned cash of these idiotic rubes our dear readers and hopefully leave our "internet" jobs forever. God willing.

IN OTHER NEWS: APOCRYPHON MINI-TOUR COMING UP AT THE END OF THE MONTH!

THURSDAY, NOV 29 @ THE COLONY, SACRAMENTO, CA with:

KILLGASM
CHRONAEXUS
EMBODIED TORMENT

FRIDAY, NOV 30 @ SPIKE'S BAR, ROSEMEAD, CA with:

NIHILITUS
DRACONIS
EXHAUSTED PRAYER
INSENTIENT

SATURDAY, DEC 1 @ TIL TWO BAR, SAN DIEGO, CA with:

GHOULGOTHA
DRACONIS
EXHAUSTED PRAYER
ONEIROGEN

SUNDAY, DEC 2 @ MERCHANT'S SALOON, OAKLAND, CA with:

SCORCHED-EARTH
BURNING MONK


IN OTHER NEWS: IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS...

That's right, bitches! IllCon Radio is back, 10pm-midnight, with a special appearance by everyone's favorite sex-rapper, BLOWFLY! Shit is bound to get weird, as we talk dead Burners, half-speed Rings of Saturn, breakfast food, and explore the personal vendetta between myself and host/ungrateful butthole CORY. You know where to go.

And hey, give us a call, live on the air. 415-829-2980.

COBRAS COMMANDS IT!

PS Happy Birthday, Carl.

FAUN FABLES - FAMILY ALBUM (2004)

Consider this the closest I'll ever come to condoning rampant Burnerism.

The Faun Fables story goes something like this: At some point in the late 90's, the Burner-esque NYC-based freak-folk singer/songwriter Dawn McCarthy moves west, relocating to the San Francisco Bay Area to seek her fate amongst the burnouts and weirdos who reside therein. There she meets up with the bizarre and hugely-talented (if not somewhat Burner-esque) Nils Frykdahl, acrobatic vocalist and driving force behind such groundbreaking performance art/musical acts as Idiot Flesh and Sleepytime Gorilla Museum. The combination of their talents proves to be a unique and multi-faceted journey into the medieval and the disturbing--Faun Fables is born with the release of their first album Early Song in 1999.

Yes, yes. I hear the voices rising in protest already.
Guilty Pleasures Week is over! Isn't "folk" music the antithesis of what IllCon stands for? Isn't this in fact the type of stuff we usually aim to destroy?

Indeed it is, and Family Album's only downfall is its occasional propensity for plodding along in folky gloom for a bit too long at points (see the first track, "Eyes of A Bird"). But stick with it for a bit, and if you aren't hooked by the album's finest track, "Lucy Belle" (a Frykdahl-centric ode to his dog which quickly spirals out of control, cascading into lyrics about "riding the animal down to the kingdom of stone" and vague references to the "final battle" between man and beast), you will be by the distinctly Eastern-European tilt of the whole thing, or the haunting quality of the lyrics, or, failing all that, the all-encompassing CREEPINESS of atmosphere contained herein.

Not standard IllCon fare by any stretch, but there are amazing songs to be found everywhere on this 15-track epic, not only the aforementioned "Lucy Belle", but other schizophrenic gems as well, such as "Fear March", "Still Here", and the deceptively bouncy "Carousel With Madonnas", which Sonic Asymmetry describes thusly: "This is Zygmunt Konieczny’s astounding masterpiece from the early 1960s. Originally Ewa Demarczyk’s most famous anthem, the knock-out staccato is reproduced here perfectly by Brian Schachter on piano. But what is truly stunning is the fact that Miron Bialoszewski’s poem is so ardently expressed by McCarthy’s uncanny, polysyllabic diction. She makes it appear easy, but it is not. Who would have thought that this song would be translated, much less sung so distinctly in another language? The rectilineal form is only slightly softened by Osanna-like flutes and decorative percussion. Nonetheless, it will remain a demonic stop-go waltz, fully dependent on emphatic piano attacks. " Got it?

Download HERE

Purchase HERE

FaunFables.net/Last.FM

GILTY PLEASHURES

'Sup, dudes! WHAT DID I MISS? I heard we were smack in the middle of guilty pleasures week up in this biiiiizzzzchhhh lol. I don't read this blog enough to know what that even means. Is it a celebration of my favorite Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter novel? Did Cobras want us to talk about the newest Barry Gibb/Babs Streisand collab? Was there any good shiz?? I've kind of been "off the grid" doing some work on "the playa" awaiting the next big burn sesh and making some extra dough. Lol I'm so fucking hi rite now.

ANNNNYYYWAYZ I wanted to talk about a little band I just

discovered and have been listening to for about 9 days str8. These guys seem to have come out of nowhere! My bro ROOTZ just popped them on while we were settin' up some tentz and I instantly fell into the wickedest H-HOLE (hash hole) ever. I mean these dudes were on some other shit. Check out this panther they had on stage:

That is like the evilest stage ever, rite???? The JGB or "Jerry Garcia Band" apparently hail from rite here in San Francisco, Cali. They released their first album in 1975. The pretty much perfect "Cats Under The Stars" and that, my friends, is my gift to you on this beautiful day. I basically became the biggest JGB supafan ever in the last couple days and I am now the proud owner of the complete set of JGB band's lead singer Jerry Garcia's whole collection of RARE COLLECTABLE NECKTIES. Eat that, Cobras.

Wickedly wild and weird, rite? For reals though, mysterious lead singer/guitar player Jerry Garcia's voice is heartbreakingly beautiful and his playing is fantastic on this album. Smoke an L get transported to 1975. A groovier, funkier time.

Inlaid with a pretty face in jade played in the carnival parade

SIRCUSCUS - BRUTAL ETHNOLOGY (2010)

Following in the footsteps of such classic IllCon favorites as Truthdealer and RXYZYXR, I present today the "Ethno/circus rock" of Finland's own SirCusCus, as volunteered by band member Petri himself. This band actually reminds me a lot of the aforementioned Truthdealer in regards to the punked-up thrash riffing and semi-belligerent vocals, but besides that it's pretty hard for me to really pin their sound down. Hmmm...

In Petri's own words: "How does it sound like and is it worthy of listening ? Well, it's like Melvins, Deep Turtle, Mr. Bungle and Nomeansno put into a pinjata and beaten into a bloody pulp by a bunch of violent 3-year olds. 10 songs and 20 minutes of children's songs for the hardcore kids."
Pretty much, although I hear a whole lot of Finnish circus-polka seeping through the cracks, too. And not "circus" in a Burner/juggler/stiltwalker/Gogol Bordello way, more in a "the clowns are taking acid and mainlining Black Flag" kind of way. I've actually been bumping this EP quite a bit for the last week or so. I suggest you do the same.

Download HERE (uploaded by Petri himself)

Visit SirCusCus on Myspace or drop them a line at sircuscus@gmail.com and get a physical copy for 5 Euros (6 overseas).

Also, this:

Thanks, Petri. And to the rest of the Contrap-Nation: SEND ME MORE STUFF!

CHICKEN PUSSY DROPPINGS

CAN'T... LOOK... AWAY...











Best YouTube comment for this video: "whoa crap is that a gnomad hatscarf?"


(thanks cory)

This blog is too heavy.

I don't understand why you guys are so angry. You chillbros need to smoke a fat doob and relax, man. Mellowbro Peter obviously feels me, what with his Soulja Boy post below (sick beats, brah!).

Enough of this "noize" and "man music." Real heads know to truly get down and groove one must enter The Phil Zone. One band that puts me in such a state is my new very favorite band ever, Hannah's Field. A duo consisting of a flowing delicate flower of homeopathic soul on vox/ acoustic and what appears to be a Rasta David Cross on percussion/sweet raps! From their official website, dig:

"This groups new "Gypsy Reggae" sound is being embraced by everyone, from folk lovers, reggae snowboarders to rock’n’rollers. Their new release, "Warriors of Love", is a 13 song tapestry that takes you on a trip. It breaks through pop and surface to what lies deep within us all. There are songs of prayer, parties, praise, pot and peace. While rocking with powerful African drum beats..."

Witness the magic:

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING BURNER

Awhile back I mentioned that I was planning on creating a Tumblr page dedicated to heckling that most false and bogus Bay Area bogeyman, The Common North American Burner. Well, I got as far as reserving the domain name before I realized, shit, I don't have time for another blog. Fuck that. I'll just make fun of those stilt-walkers right here on IllCon, as I always have. No need for a Tumblr page.
So here you have it. Part 1 of a (possibly) ongoing photodocumentation series studying the lowest of the low, the yuppiest of the yup, the "playa" dirt-covered specimens of human shame known as "Burners" in their native environs. It's been a couple weeks since these rave-culture hangers-on returned home to San Francisco in their dusty Subaru Outbacks, and I apologize for lagging so long. But the Burner scourge must be addressed forthwith, via ridicule and disdain.

Here are the first dozen doozies.

I get it, dude. You were shooting for Beyond Thunderdome. Unfortunately, this looks a lot more like Far Short of Thunderdome.

Celebrity Playa sighting: Check out Hugh Jackman over there on the left.

Speaking of celebs in the BRC, apparently James Hetfield made it out there, too.

Let's see, you get one week of vacation per year. How would you like to spend it? On a beach somewhere tropical? Skiing in the Hamptons? Nah. Let's do the usual: Ensconced in a homemade Hazmat suit, choking on dust, sweating out some bad acid and shitting in an overflowing Port-O-Potty.

Humor me for a moment by imagining this dude, naked and sweaty, mashing his balloon knot against that bicycle seat for seven days straight. Now imagine sniffing said seat.

His name is Jeff and he works in Accounts Payable.

This fucking Burner is totally on the "cutting edge" of "modern music". Right now, he's totally singing lyrics to a song by this really obscure Gypsy band from New York called Gogol Bordello. You probably haven't heard of them yet.

Did you know that there's a Scat Porn Appreciation Society on Facebook?

NIGHT OF THE (GAY RAVER) LEPUS!!!

Desperate, desperate cries for help that will never come.

I know you paid for all the gas to get out here and everyone else drank your distilled water, but aren't you taking this a little too far?

Jesus Christ, even Burning Dan looks at this fucking Burner and says "LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BURNER!" Harsh.

BURNING DAN: Lol @ Douche

As much as I hate to say it, gang, Summer is winding to a close. Despite one last stubborn heat wave edging its way into the usually-foggy Bay Area, things are definitely "chilling out", as the season for camping trips and beach parties tips its hat for one final adieu. But there is ONE event left to look forward to this year. That's right, fuckers: BURNING MAN.

Right about now, you're probably having the same Burning Man concerns as all the rest of us here at ICHQ: What do I do to set myself apart at The Man this year? How do I express my "individuality" in a way that won't call too much attention to me and/or offend other attendants? There must be some sort of "trippy" skill I can master in the next week or so...

Well, friends, you're in luck. I know you were planning on taking some stilt-walking classes on the fly, but between you and me, I heard a group of dudes talking about stilt-walking at the Precompression Party back in June, so that's no longer "unique" or "challenging". But I'll tell you what is: FIRE-DANCING. It's hip, it's now, it's sure to make you the toast of The Playa. And I've got just the guy to teach it to you: BURNING DAN.

Dude that shirt is awesome, seriously.

If Burning Dan (real name: Dan Gordon-Levitt) looks familiar, it's probably because he looks alot like his famous brother, Joseph Gordon-Levitt -- an actor best known for his work on a late 90's docu-drama about reptilian shapeshifters (right). But Dan doesn't need to ride anyone's coattails -- after all, he's a Master Burner well versed in the ways of both Rave and Yoga Culture. This guy lives Namaste and has his Chakras lined up to some seriously cosmic shit, bro. You can tell by his sweet dreads.

There are three basic things you need to understand about Burning Dan before you can absorb his teachings:

1) Burning Dan builds pillow forts on airplanes:

2) Burning Dan is fond of creating animated .gif files:

3) Burning Dan's favorite color is "watermelon":

Left: Dan is proud of his "customized" "watermelon" Converse.

But that isn't all. Dan Gordon-Levitt is a fountain of style, fashion, and good ol' Burner wisdom. I urge you all to explore his website and blog, which can be found here: Burningdan.net.

(You'll be seeing more of Dan and his friends at the new IC-sponsored Tumblr page LookAtThisFuckingBurner.com, launching next month!)

ENJOY!





PS: For those of you who don't read the Comments section -- THIS happened:

Thanks to IC reader Shoelundo for the image. This wonderful juxtaposition is the best thing since, um... THIS: