Okay, now that we're all familiar with Reh Dogg, allow me to introduce "Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer", whose debut album Flattery Not Included was just released. It's called "chap hop", and if I'm not mistaken, it's kind of AWESOME.
"Straight Outta Surrey":
"A Piece of My Mind":
While I'm sure this is the type of thing that will get old in 10 or 15 minutes, I still must ask: Anyone got mp3s for me?
A side project formed by members of the mighty Univers Zero, Present's RIO/Zeuhl-inflected 15-to-20 minute freakouts are more free-jazz noodling and busy composition that the lumbering doomprog of their parent group, but the end result is just as weird and hypnotic. The fuzzed-out bass and minor-key piano parts are still there, but overall Present is a slightly more frantic and upbeat creature, challenging the listener to actually follow where their music is going rather than just crushing them with sheer, oppressive sludge. Melodies within melodies within dissonance. No vocals. Why is it that Belgium does this style of music so well?
Download HERE Purchase a re-issue also containing their second album Poison Qui Rend FouHERE
A TRIBUTE TO THE FORGOTTEN HEROES OF WWF WRESTLING, 1982 - 1994
Okay, Hulkamaniacs, now that we're all sufficiently pumped from the video shown above, let's talk wrestling. Specifically, let's talk about the Golden Age of WWF wrestling, namely the early 80's to the early 90's. As a child of the 80's, I grew up in a time when the WWF was at its undeniable peak, and also had the benefit of being young enough to find it totally plausible. By the early 90's I had wised up a bit, and was "cool" enough to tone my wide-eyed enthusiasm down to mere "ironic appreciation". But I've always had a bit of a soft spot for pro wrestling, whether it be for the thrills or merely for the laughs. These days, pro wrestling (just like everything else I held sacred at one point) is nothing but a husk of its former self, a gaudy, overproduced moneymaking machine that plays out like something of a homoerotic cousin to NASCAR. But we're here to talk about The Good Old Days, Dear Reader, so suspend your disbelief for a minute or two while we pay tribute to a dozen of the greatest stars this sport (?) has ever known. Subtle, tasteful, cerebral, and always modest, the pro wrestler has become an icon of everything America should be, and these men were the ones who did it best.
As always, feel free to pay tribute to your own personal favorites in the 'Comments' section.
IN THIS CORNER...
1) GEORGE "THE ANIMAL" STEELE
"The Animal" was a true "people's champion", and acted as a crusader for both the mentally challenged and the overly hirsute. Suffering from a combination of both mild OCD and just the right touch of severe mental retardation, he was a true nutcase in the ring, alternately chewing on turnbuckles and decimating his opponents with the dreaded Lifting Hammerlock. Always accompanied by his beloved stuffed animal (known only as "Mine"), George would become distraught by its abscence and fly into a rage whenever it was threatened. But did you know that in real life (not that wrestling isn't "real"), Steele held a master's degree in science from the Central Michigan University, and in fact started off his wrestling career as a brainiac called "The Student"? Not only that, but "The Animal" was also an accomplished actor, starring as hulking man-child Tor Johnson in Tim Burton's 1994 film Ed Wood. A multi-demensional man, and a gibbering badass in the ring. Epic.
2) HILLBILLY JIM
Straight out of the (fictional) Appalachian town of Mud Lick, Kentucky, Hillbilly Jim took the WWF by storm in 1984, quickly teaming up with none other than the Hulkster himself in a series of high-profile tag team bouts. After being sidelined with an actual broken leg, Jim did a short stint as a manager for a few of his "relatives": Uncle Elmer, Cousin Luke, and Cousin Junior. He was, of course, a favorite to the pro wrestling fans of the Deep South, and entered the ring to the strains of "Don't Go Messin' With a Country Boy". But his immense talents didn't end there. In addition to proving that he could form complete sentences with appearances on Live With Regis & Kathie Lee and Hee Haw, Jim was also a talented designer, credited with creating George "The Animal" Steele's aforementioned "Mine" creature.
Possibly the godfather of the recently-abated "hyphy" movement, Koko B. Ware (aka "The Birdman") always entered the ring in oversized sunglasses and bright colors, accompanied by his majestic theme song, Morris Day & The Time's "The Bird". The guy was chock full of Pimp Sauce, and had his own trademark pet, Frankie The Parrot. Although he frequently got his ass handed to him by "bad guys" like Nicolai Volkoff and Greg Valentine (now there's a handsome fella!), Koko remained popular with the kids due to his flashy style and urban appeal. Koko also had the distinction of performing the title track for the 1987 WWF All-Stars album Piledriver, whose video can be viewed below (sorry about the poor quality, but this is a must-see):
4) KING KONG BUNDY
Probably the only guy in the entire world with less of a neck than George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher (left).
5) BIG JOHN STUDD
Pioneering such eloquently-named moves as The Reverse Bearhug, The Airplane Spin, The Double Underhook Suplex, The Low-Angle Chokeslam, and the slightly-less-eloquent Heart Punch, Big John Studd was an early and notorious "bad guy" in 80's WWF lore, constantly posing a threat to the Hulkster and forming a deadly feud with none other than Andre The Giant. Billing himself as the "true giant", the cocky Studd offered $15,000 to anyone that could bodyslam him, which is only slightly less gay than it sounds. After several false starts, with disqualifications and plot twists aplenty, Andre The Giant eventually did bodyslam Big John in the first ever WrestleMania, leading to his slow decline in the pro wrestling world. The shamed warrior died in 1995, after a brief stint in gay porn. Maybe.
Speaking of gay porn, Limp Bizkit also gives a shout out to Big John on their late 90's hit "N 2ogether Now". Word.
6) BASTION BOOGER
Although he appeared for only a brief stint at the end of the WWF's Golden Age ('93-'94), and was used mostly as a foil for the nefarious hijinks of the higher-profile Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger is included here for one sole reason: He was a BIG, FAT, NASTY MOTHERFUCKER. I mean, look at the guy. Jesus. Throw in an unsettling love-triangle subplot with Bam Bam's valet, Luna Vachon (right), and you have a recipe for some truly AMERICAN High Art.
7) DOINK THE CLOWN
Doink is something of a nebulous character, originally portrayed by a guy named Matt Borne from 1992 to '94 but eventually spinning off into strange sub-characters and different dudes behind the mask. But the original Borne-Doink was the real classic, an evil prankster who caused great harm to his many foes with all sorts of clown-related gags. Borne was kicked out of the WWF for recurring drug problems (no surprise there), but not before cementing Doink in the collective zeitgeist through an unforgettable series of foul misdeeds, midget-spawns, and disappearing acts. Doink was eventually paired with a 4-foot-tall sidekick, Dink, and the duo later added a couple more mini-Doinks named Wink and Pink. When Doink, Dink, Wink, and Pink teamed up to battle Jerry Lawler's own midget team of Queazy, Sleazy, and Cheezy, it was one of the few post-Golden Age WWF bouts that REALLY MATTERED.
8) EARTHQUAKE
Earthquake (aka The Canadian Earthquake, real name John Tenta) laid to rest any and all question as to whether WWF matches were staged or not upon his entrance to the ring in 1989. Chosen out of the audience COMPLETELY AT RANDOM during a match between Dino Bravo and The Ultimate Warrior, Earthquake quickly proved his mastery of the fine art of professional wrestling, much to the surprise of all parties involved. It also turns out that he was one of only three Caucasian wrestlers to ever compete in sumo competitions in Japan (true). What are the fucking chances?! Just goes to show: Fact is stranger than fiction, fat is better than muscle, and Life imitates Art. Which in turn imitates WWF wrestling.
9) GIANT GONZALES
MOTHERFUCKER WAS TALL.
10) PAPA SHANGO
True story: Papa Shango was "discovered" by wrestlers on the set of the film Over The Top in Las Vegas, where he was working as a bartender. Quickly adopting the style and mannerisms of a voodoo priest, Shango would approach the ring holding aloft a smoking human skull, and used his magical powers to fuck with the lighting and cause his opponents to puke. Only active from 1991-'93 in the WWF, Papa Shango is now retired from wrestling and manages several strip clubs back in Las Vegas. Bonus factoid: Early in his career in the USWA, Papa Shango was known as The Godfather, and had a signature move called the "Pimp Drop".
Alright, so maybe JYD might not necessarily be a "forgotten" wrestling hero. Dude was (and is) a goddamn legend, and had more style, grace, and charisma in and out of the ring than just about anyone before or after. Making his first WWF appearance in 1984, JYD made a HUGE impact before his departure in 1988. Junk Yard Dog wore a dog collar attached to a chain. Junk Yard Dog often barked at (or even bit) his opponents. Junk Yard Dog's theme song was Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust". Junk Yard Dog had the coolest vehicle (The Junk Wagon) in Hulk Hogan's Rockin' Wrestling (video at the top of this post). Junk Yard Dog was THE SHIT. Sadly, Dog was killed in a car accident in 1998. R.I.P. homie.
Junk Yard Dog - "Grab Them Cakes", from the first 'WWF album' (1985):
12) THE ROCKERS
Also known as The Midnight Rockers, this tag team duo comprised of Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannety was only active for a couple of months in 1987, before being kicked out for "excessive partying".
WIN.
That's right. We went from obscure Polish Baroque painters yesterday to WWF wrestlers today. Wait till you see what happens tomorrow...
Formed by the same basic nucleus of dudes behind Exhumed and Repulsion, Dekapitator was created based on two very explicit ideas: 1) "Modern metal" is hella lame and needs to be destroyed and 2) Posers are hella lame and need to be destroyed. Just take a look at that front cover up there. That's the "Axecutioner", and he specializes in diminishing the poser population whenever and wherever possible. Galloping drums, whammified tapping solos, gang-vocal choruses, and more spikes and leather than the entire population of Germany. What could be better? These guys had a pretty good run in the San Jose/San Francisco area for about a decade, but are on indefinite hiatus while their respective members pursue other projects. Which sucks, because I've been seeing a lot of posers around lately.
I don't know how I managed to stay ignorant of the amazing art of Zdzislaw Beksinski for so many years, but luckily I stumbled accross his name while stalking Hell Crust just last week. Born in Sanok, Poland, in 1929, Beksinki is one of the darkest Surrealist artists this side of Giger, and created some of the most haunting and disturbing images this side of Bosch. He began his artistic career in the early 60's, dabbling in photography and photomontage, but soon progressed to painting and sculpture. His earlier paintings were very abstract, but by the 70's he had found his own distinct 'dark fantasy' style, which he stuck with until the late 90's (at which point he began to dabble with digital imaging). He always listened to loud classical music while painting his bleak, post-apocalyptic pieces, which leads me to believe that he was a closet metalhead. The paintings presented later in this post serve to confirm my suspicions.
Despite his horrific depictions of transmorgrified skeletons, decay, death, and war, Beksinski was a cheerful and friendly guy, who scorned critics looking for "meaning" in his work. He was just a painter doing his thing, which just happened to be capturing and putting to canvas some of the strangest and most dreamlike images of morbid evil ever known to man. Zdzislaw was a Bro. In 1998, after three decades of prominence and critical acclaim, Zdzislaw suffered the tragic loss of his wife Zofia, and a year later discovered the body of his son Tomasz, who committed suicide on Christmas Eve. Beksinski never fully recovered from his losses, and in 2005 he was stabbed 17 times and killed by two teenage kids. One of the murderers, Robert Kupiec, had been a friend of the family, and later it was revealed that Beksinski had refused him a loan of about $100 right before the assault.
Below: Zdzislaw as a child, Poland, 1941.
Check out some of Zdzislaw Beksinski's finest work below (double-click images for larger size - highly recommended). You can also learn more about Beksinski via the excellent Monster Brains blog.
Video tribute to Beksinski, featuring dozens more of his trippy paintings:
This one is just fucking weird. "Saint Steven" is actually a guy named Steven Cataldo, a Boston-based musician who played in several other psych-rock bands before and after the release of this album, including Ultimate Spinach, The Nervous Eaters, and Front Page Revue. That's him on the cover, floating above the sea serpent holding his guitar. Anyhow, this album is much more hippy-dippy than the standard Illogical Contraption fare, but postworthy for several reasons. Saint Steven creates his own little world here, and does his best to flesh out an entire concept album or two in its brief 29 minutes. Introducing us to mythological creations like "Gladacadova" and "Aye Aye Poe Day" (which also happens to be the heaviest track here), Steve takes us on an acid-drenched trip through America circa 1969, with all sorts of strange sound effects, jangling bells, fuzzed out vocals, and reverby guitars. There's even a segment featuring sound clips from the 1968 Republican National Convention. Right after some elephant noises. I don't know. The music on this one might not be the most memorable or unique ever, but Saint Steven definitely had some weird shit floating around in his head. Curious stuff.
This post might be totally unnecessary, but I feel compelled to explain myself a little further on the whole Shelby Cobra/Shelby Cobras conundrum I discovered and posted about a week and a half ago. Long story short, there's a 16-year-old semi-"scene chick" on the loose, who sings for a Radio-Disney sponsored, manufactured pop/punk band called KSM. She goes by the name "Shelby Cobra", and I have taken it upon myself to stop her from sullying this proud and honorable name any further. But this was all in the last post, a post which left some of you wondering where all of my self-righteous rage came from. And that's what I intend on writing about today. Every superhero has an origin story, right? Well, Shelby CobraS is no different. It's "story time", kids, so gather round the campfire and read on...
A lot of you are probably thinking to yourselves, "what's the big deal, Cobras? It's just an internet 'handle', right? Get over it." Which is both true and false. You see, "Shelby" is in fact my birth name, while "Cobras" is not. Nobody wants their real name published on the internet, and there's a story behind everything. Which brings me to another related point. Most of you are probably thinking that "Shelby" is a girl's name, which wouldn't be entirely incorrect. Besides historical novelist Shelby Foote, male Shelbys are few and far between, with one exception: Mr. Carroll Shelby (above right). You see, Mr. Shelby (who had the distinctly unfortunate honor of having not one but TWO girl's names) was a master auto mechanic/designer who built some of the gnarliest machines to ever lay down burnt rubber. The Ford Mustang/Shelby Cobra GT 350/GT 500 (below), undoubtedly the sweetest muscle car in the history of sweet muscle cars, was Mr. Shelby's creation, cementing him as a God amongst car dudes the world over. But how does that particular piece of information factor into the equation? Be patient, dude. I'm getting to that.
My own father also happens to be a high-ranking car dude, a guy who builds his own hot rods from scratch as a hobby, after getting home from his city job souping up cop cars. My old man (who also, only semi-coincidentally, was born in Shelby, Montana) is a certified CAR NUT, and holds Carroll Shelby in such high regard that he gave the man's surname to his first-born son. Which is ME. Which is why I feel like the moniker "Shelby Cobras" is MINE and MINE ALONE. I was named after that car. That Radio Disney floozy is obsolete.
But the story doesn't end there. Not by a long shot. Perhaps you are fimiliar with the song "A Boy Named Sue", by an obscure litte country musician named Johnny Cash. This song, of course, tells the story of a dude whose father named him "Sue" so he would have to fight his whole life in defense of his name. Sue grows up tough. Sue grows up mean. Sue's story is pretty much my story. I'm sure you were all wondering how I became the towering, super-heroical BADASS that stands before you now. It explains a lot, right?
Anyways, the tale goes even deeper. I'm not much of a Johnny Cash fan (I won't go into the reasons why), but Mr. Cash did NOT actually write the words to "A Boy Named Sue". They were written by beloved children's author and poet Shel Silverstein, best known for books like Where The Sidewalk Ends and The Giving Tree. Shel's full name was Sheldon, but quite often went by Uncle Shelby or more simply, Shelby. So "A Boy Named Sue" was autobiographical, and in real life would have borne the name "A Boy Named Shelby". Maybe you think Shel Silverstein wasn't a badass, that maybe writing children's books isn't a "tough guy's" job. Well, you're wrong. Just check out that picture up there on the left. Shelby Silverstein was a HARD MOTHERFUCKER, and rocked a girl's name just as proudly as I do now.
Which just makes it that much worse when some ditzy pop musician comes along and shits all over everything. Right?
If all that wasn't enough to make you sufficiently angry, here's a video of Shelby Cobra and KSM covering Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me". And save all of your "I don't care what you say, those chicks are pretty hot" comments. A) Sergeant D doesn't read this blog. B) They're, like, 16.
(Speaking of Sgt. D, check out this kid's homemade Hollywood Undead tattoo/body mutilation that The Sarge recently posted on Stuff You Will Hate. Turned on its side, it totally says "I.C."!)
Thanks for bearing with me through that brief and self-absorbed rant. Now that we're all on the same page, I've just got one thing to say:
Okay, Hulkamaniacs, now that we're all sufficiently pumped from the video shown above, let's talk wrestling.
"The Animal" was a true "people's champion", and acted as a crusader for both the mentally challenged and the overly hirsute. Suffering from a combination of both mild OCD and just the right touch of severe mental retardation, he was a true nutcase in the ring, alternately chewing on turnbuckles and decimating his opponents with the dreaded Lifting Hammerlock. Always accompanied by his beloved stuffed animal (known only as "Mine"), George would become distraught by its abscence and fly into a rage whenever it was threatened. 
Although he appeared for only a brief stint at the end of the WWF's Golden Age ('93-'94), and was used mostly as a foil for the nefarious hijinks of the higher-profile Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger is included here for one sole reason: He was a BIG, FAT, NASTY MOTHERFUCKER. I mean, look at the guy. Jesus.
True story: Papa Shango was "discovered" by wrestlers on the set of the film Over The Top in Las Vegas, where he was working as a bartender. Quickly adopting the style and mannerisms of a voodoo priest, Shango would approach the ring holding aloft a smoking human skull, and used his magical powers to fuck with the lighting and cause his opponents to puke. Only active from 1991-'93 in the WWF, Papa Shango is now retired from wrestling and manages several strip clubs back in Las Vegas.
Alright, so maybe JYD might not necessarily be a "forgotten" wrestling hero. Dude was (and is) a goddamn legend, and had more style, grace, and charisma in and out of the ring than just about anyone before or after. Making his first WWF appearance in 1984, JYD made a HUGE impact before his departure in 1988. Junk Yard Dog wore a dog collar attached to a chain. Junk Yard Dog often barked at (or even bit) his opponents. Junk Yard Dog's theme song was Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust". Junk Yard Dog had the coolest vehicle (The Junk Wagon) in Hulk Hogan's Rockin' Wrestling (video at the top of this post). Junk Yard Dog was THE SHIT.
I don't know how I managed to stay ignorant of the amazing art of Zdzislaw Beksinski for so many years, but luckily I stumbled accross his name while stalking Hell Crust just last week. Born in Sanok, Poland, in 1929, Beksinki is one of the darkest Surrealist artists this side of Giger, and created some of the most haunting and disturbing images this side of Bosch. He began his artistic career in the early 60's, dabbling in photography and photomontage, but soon progressed to painting and sculpture. His earlier paintings were very abstract, but by the 70's he had found his own distinct 'dark fantasy' style, which he stuck with until the late 90's (at which point he began to dabble with digital imaging). He always listened to loud classical music while painting his bleak, post-apocalyptic pieces, which leads me to believe that he was a closet metalhead. The paintings presented later in this post serve to confirm my suspicions.
Despite his horrific depictions of transmorgrified skeletons, decay, death, and war, Beksinski was a cheerful and friendly guy, who scorned critics looking for "meaning" in his work. He was just a painter doing his thing, which just happened to be capturing and putting to canvas some of the strangest and most dreamlike images of morbid evil ever known to man. Zdzislaw was a Bro.
This post might be totally unnecessary, but I feel compelled to explain myself a little further on the whole Shelby Cobra/Shelby Cobras conundrum I discovered and posted about a week and a half ago.
A lot of you are probably thinking to yourselves, "what's the big deal, Cobras? It's just an internet 'handle', right? Get over it." Which is both true and false. You see, "Shelby" is in fact my birth name, while "Cobras" is not. Nobody wants their real name published on the internet, and there's a story behind everything.
But the story doesn't end there. Not by a long shot.
Anyways, the tale goes even deeper. I'm not much of a Johnny Cash fan (I won't go into the reasons why), but Mr. Cash did NOT actually write the words to "A Boy Named Sue". They were written by beloved children's author and poet Shel Silverstein, best known for books like Where The Sidewalk Ends and The Giving Tree. Shel's full name was Sheldon, but quite often went by Uncle Shelby or more simply, Shelby.
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