BROMANTIC INTERLUDE #12: Brother Aylmer Is The BEASTMASTER

There are two types of people in this world: those who read Unflinching Eye and those who don't. Oh, how I pity the latter. Living a life devoid of substance or meaning, these poor, doomed souls roam the Earth in a state of constant entropy, feeling nothing, understanding even less. Alas.
Frequent commentator and friend of the blog Aylmer (above left) is the party responsible for The Opening of The Eye, and today we are honored to have him here as a guest contributor -- placing him amongst the other Bromantic Gods for an eternity in the Illogical Pantheon. Is this an introduction? A warning? Or is this something else altogether? I'll let the reader decide.

And for those fortunate souls among you already addicted to Aylmer's biting wit and impeccable taste in film and music, I offer good news: the IC Legal Department is already in negotiations with his agent regarding a semi-permanent part-time position. Rejoice!

- Cobras



G'day, I go by Aylmer but y'all can call me Chris. I most likely live on the other side of the planet to you. I regularly like to have my mind melted by cool movies and my face melted by live shredding of the punk & metal persuasion. I like my cones & beer, preferably together thanks. I lived on a skateboard for two decades, now I'm a bit of a lazy fucker.

When Mr. Cobras asked me to contribute one of these bromantic things, I got inspired and immediately went to work on my epic. What I didn't do (until after I'd finished), was bother to check that my chosen theme (Monsters) hadn't already been done. It had. Last month, by Mike Desert (of the outstanding Blog The Jerk!). So, I sheepishly took a look at Mike's post and, much to my relief, there wasn't a common track to be seen. Not even a band. That surprised me at first, but then I realised it just illustrates the breadth of influence that Monasteriense has had on our music. Casting a long and twisted shadow over the gnarled landscape of rock'n'roll, monsters are every bit as iconic to punk & metal as Satanism, mythology or war. Just look at Eddie, the Crimson Ghost, Snaggletooth, the Flipper Fish and the Hevisaurus Barneyraptor. Not mascots you'd want to meet in a dank public shitter.

Caveat: some of the songs on this comp have FUCK-ALL to do with monsters, however when I hear them I'm overcome with a mental maelstrom of demonic imagery. As you all well know, sometimes when you spend too much time in the presence of ancient, cosmic evil... things... can start to seep through the dimensional cracks and manifest in the real world. Or, I just overdid the shrooms and blotters in the '80s and '90s. Probably that. Anyway, to the music...


Celtic Frost - Innocence and Wrath
This short track is probably meant to inspire awed thoughts of the grandiose majesty of hell, but it always reminds me of Akira Ifukube's anthemic music from the Godzilla movies. Sleepy Gojira, lumbering over the cherry blossom dotted countryside, listlessly kicking over a few pagodas whilst looking for a city to TRASH.

John Carpenter & Jim Lang - In the Mouth of Madness
When I first saw Madness on VHS, I was so blown away by this rockin' opening track that I rewound it and watched it again straight away. For me ITMOM is right up there with The Thing, EFNY, The Fog, They Live etc as one of Carpenter's A-game movies. That whole sequence in the hotel with the haunted painting and Mrs. Pickman turning into a Lovecraftian... something... is amongst the creepiest J.C. has ever shot (not to mention that fucking disturbing kid on the bike). And Jürgen Prochnow ruuuuuules as Sutter Cane.


BL'AST! - It's Alive
Well, Black Flag only ever did a song about a monster-sized COCK.

Akimbo - Great White Bull
There be monsters in the sea. Here in Sydney we're home to (or regularly visited by) a number of potentially dangerous shark species such as Bulls, Tigers, Hammerheads, Makos, Bronze Whalers and Great Whites. In the last couple of years we've seen a spike of attacks in the harbour and on surrounding beaches, with three attacks over a three week period in February and March last year (the worst of which involved a naval diver in the harbour losing a hand and a leg to a Bull). The increase in attacks is generally attributed to over-fishing of oceanic waters and the cleaning up of Sydney's marine habitats (by pumping our effluent further out to sea for the last couple of decades). I'd like to point out that despite our local media's best attempts to demonise these beautiful creatures, I'm rabidly opposed to the culling of sharks. Fuck that. Sharks rule and this is my favourite song about Great Whites eating humans.

Seppuku Paradigm - Crisis (from Martyrs)
This is the terrifying moment in Martyrs when Lucie is attacked by her savage id monster, product of her unrelenting guilt. 47 seconds of throbbing Goblinny Goodness!

Blackholicus - Werewolf
I was introduced to Blackholicus over at Cosmic Hearse, and I know they get a lot of lovin' around these parts too. I'm not really into NWOBHM much, but there's something about these guys (and girl) that's really different. Margaret has a killer voice, and their namesake is THE most destructive force in the universe. Possible mascot: Wormhole Würm?


Fleshies - Half Werewolf, Half Vampire
In 2001, Kill The Dreamer's Dream was an unstoppable Meatball juggernaut that reinvigorated my love for good old fashioned hardcore punk. On a visit to SF seven or eight years ago, I was lucky enough to catch these talented drunks with Victims Family at the Bottom of the Hill. I had food poisoning and couldn't keep any beer down, but I still managed to have a great night. Don't really dig their recent stuff much, but this is a good one.

Alice Donut - The Tingler
When he was younger, Tom Antona looked like Norman Bates. I almost went with "Crawlpappy" (from the Mule LP, my personal Donut fave) instead of this, but for the sake of William Castle and Vincent Price you're gettin' "The Tingler".

Mecht Mensch - Zombie
Madison, Wisconsin skatepunks Mecht Mensch were the less arty "bro" band of the great Tar Babies, sharing members and shows (and according to their website, government cheese). This song reminds me a little of Flipper.

Goblin - La Caccia
This is probably my favourite track from Dawn. Hearing this still gives me goosebumps, thinking of how lethally fucking COOL Roger and Peter are. Perfect, baby. Perfect.


UFO Gestapo - Assault (phase 2)
Tripped-out alien guerrilla fighters of the Eternal Reich from planet Sludge (Frankreich)!

Hooded Menace - The Lovesong of Gotho, Hunchback of the Morgue
A loving (shredding) tribute to the late great Paul Naschy, by this Finnish trio of graveyard dwelling, rotting-Templar fans. I also heartily recommend Absorbed In The Nethervoid - the first album from Menace guitarist Lasse Pyykkö's solo project Claws.

Ahab - Below the Sun
BIG, EPIC oceanic Doom. Shelby has sung the praises of this pulverising German three-piece recently and I concur. The eerily evocative intro to this song always sends me to the black depths of the Mariana Trench, where Ahab's monster Physeter dives for it's prey - the equally elusive Architeuthis. Try and keep your head still at 5:25. Impossible!

The Mass - Fat Cobra
Ralph Spight was gonna play bass with this band but then he ended up in that other band with that famous guy instead. That famous guy's label has something to do with tentacles. Monsters have tentacles. That's all I got.

Brainoil - Complete?/Lucid Vision
The Brainoil self titled rips. I'd heard the split with Cruevo - which was good - but this short album totally floored me when I grabbed it from L-R V last year. Crushing crusty sludge with some of the most addictive riffs I've ever heard. The only thing wrong with this album: it's too short. The relentless, lumbering riff in "Complete?" is the perfect soundtrack for mountain-sized daikaiju to tear shit up to.

Subrig Destroyer - Dr. Alan Halsey
Dean Alan Halsey had a really shitty and undignified demise. Murdered - re-animated - lobotomised - torn limb from limb by his undead peers. Adding insult to injury, his daughter almost got head from a wheezing decapitated head.

Coffins - Sacrifice To Evil Spirit
Coffins are coming down here from Tokyo later this year, and I've already got the tickets in my greedy little talons. People throw around terms like heavy and crushing a lot, but these Winter and Celtic Frost obsessed freaks really deserve the hyperbole. Tar-thick grinding, chugging death/doom that's comparable to a sonic wrecking-ball.

Black Cobra - Omniscient
WRITHING TENTACLES! This two-man shred-machine smashed through here a while back, totally blowing my mind on the way. One of THE tightest bands I've ever seen, after the set my friends and I just looked at each other like "Dude. Did you just see that??".

The Dickies - Attack of the Mole Men
Is he saying "Hey Jack, beware of the head Mole Man" or is Jack the head Mole Man's name? Dawn of the Dickies just makes me feel happy.

Well, that was fun! Thanks to Shelby and the I.C. team for letting me out of my cage for a while... All Hail the mighty Contraption!

HERE BE MONSTERS