2,000 DEAD BIRDS CAN'T BE WRONG

The videos shown above represent two slightly different takes on one of the weekend's major news stories: a massive, unexplained bird death that took place in a rural area near Beebe, Arkansas on 1/1/11. Anywhere between one and two thousand avian specimens fell lifeless from the sky and were cleaned up by men in HazMat suits and gas masks as horrified civilians looked on Saturday morning, and, if reports are to be believed, scientists have yet to decipher why.

(Editor's note: Since this post was written, the number of dead birds has been upgraded to around 5,000. Reports of several thousand dead fish in a river about 100 miles away have surfaced as well.)


Predictably, a whole shitload of people cried "conspiracy!" as soon as this story broke, claiming secret government/military projects were responsible. But for once, Illogical Contraption is going to play the skeptic here--after all, are we really supposed to believe the government has some sort of "secret" weather-control device capable of mass murder that we're not being told about? It's kind of a ridiculous thought, isn't it?

I guess it's human nature to jump to wild conclusions when nature throws us a curveball, looking for even the most far-fetched answers when a solid scientific explanation is not immediately apparent. We, as humans, need to connect the dots in a linear fashion when confronted with a mystery, and unfortunately, those dots are sometimes connected for us by crackpot conspiracy theorists. The real tragedy is that sometimes we believe these nefarious freaks.

The truth is this: there is absolutely NOTHING to be alarmed about here, despite the fact that something a little bit freaky happened on a highly significant date. Large amounts of animals drop dead all the time, and a reason can ALWAYS be found. It's really just a matter of time. It's frustrating to see all the "red flags" go up so fast, with the same people furiously mashing the same panic buttons all over again. We need to stand up to alarmists like these, not cave in to paranoia and suspicion. We are strong, intelligent people, and faith in our government has always led us through the toughest of times.

We, as Americans (apologies to our international readers), have a long history of prevailing in any situation through level-headedness and reason, and I pray that this same level-headedness and reason will guide us once again through this time of panic. Trust, faith, stoicism, and family values in the face of adversity will never fail to deliver us from chaos, and this silly "conspiracy" idea in regards to the dead birds in Arkansas will soon pass.

I thank you all for remaining calm in this time of doubt and weirdness. Rest assured, a feasible explanation will soon be proposed by government and/or miltary officials involved, and before long we will all be able to put this whole messy business behind us.