4MXI: ALL YOUR BARBARIANS ARE BELONG TO US

This week: THE NEW BARBARIANS


Above: Sure, they got the name of the movie wrong on the poster, but with a budget as small as theirs, such matters must sometimes be overlooked.


Today's installment of 'Monday Morning Movie Madness' is a special one indeed. I first came accross The New Barbarians when the picture shown above sparked my interest during the research phase of a recent post ('Great Codpieces In History', July 15, 2009). Fred Williamson wearing a hipster headband and golden codpiece? Whoa, I had to check this movie out.
My curiosity was rewarded tenfold, as I rented and watched this epic masterpiece just yesterday. Actually, I had to watch it twice to fully digest its seemingly endless majesty. The New Barbarians is easily the best film I've seen since Starcrash (yeah, it's only been like 2 weeks, but still...).


We are immediately enticed by the beginning of The New Barbarians, which starts of with stock footage of a nuclear (or maybe atomic?) apocalypse and is immediately followed by shots of rotting corpses in Haz-Mat suits (above). 'The Year Is 2019', we are told, before being immediately launched into a magnificent carnival of low-budget wonderment, featuring some of the best and most creative costumes, weaponry, and vehicles ever known to the film industry.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT:



As is the case with most films featured here on 'Monday Morning Movie Madness', the plot is inconsequential. It is a Road Warrior knockoff, plain and simple, right down to the circled group of post-apocalyptic survivors defending themselves from a group of rogue marauders (in this case, said marauders are known as The Templars and dress as helmet-less Stormtroopers with intricately-shaved facial hair and the occasional purple mohawk). What truly sets Barbarians apart from its obvious, um, inspiration, is the brilliant aesthetic and visual flair of director Enzo G. Castellari. Heads explode, cars explode, vehicles are covered completely in tinfoil (to make them look "futuristic"), and everyone in the vicinity is wearing some sort of awesome costume consisting of equal parts football pads, 80's "punk" gear, torn fabric, and sparkly accessrories. It is truly a sight to behold.
Originally released in 1982 as I nuovi barbari in Italy, Barbarians didn't arrive stateside until 1984, where it received a ho-hum welcome amidst a rash of other Road Warrior clones. But the general public really missed out on this one. A killer drum machine-driven soundtrack by Goblin's Claudio Simonetti, a heroic supporting role by Fred Williamson (as Nadir), and a co-starring spot for widow's-peaked Italian vixen Anna Kanakis (who wears that stunned, constantly-surprised expression that seems indigenous to 70's European film divas for the duration of her appearance) all failed to turn heads, but this movie is both a classic and a definite must-see for any fan of poorly-dubbed post-apocalyptic science fiction fare.



Although the entire story is lifted from The Road Warrior, the bad-ass characters actually raise this film high above the station of mere camp. Take the protagonist, Scorpion (above). He cruises around in a kick-ass bubble-topped muscle car equipped with a glowing human skull hood ornament (right), blowing Templars away with an assortment of vehicle-mounted weapons and boning down on the female lead inside some sort of inflatable plastic tent. In one scene, a Templar fires an explosive charge at Scorpion, which sticks to his driver's side door. Unfazed, Scorpion presses a button on his dash, which causes the door to eject from the vehicle, fly back at the Templar, and blow HIM up. Scorpion is that cool.
The movie even has it's own version of Road Warrior's Feral Kid, although he uses a slingshot rather than a boomerang for defense. Lord Humungus is here too, but rather than wearing a hockey mask and spiked gauntlets, he wears a white pantsuit, rocks a pompadour/sweet 80's buttrock crossover haircut, and bears an uncanny resemblance to David Bowie in Labyrinth (below). Pure innovation. Pure Barbarians.



And now, the awards ceremony:

Best Soundtrack: Claudio Simonetti, The New Barbarians.
Best Costumes: The New Barbarians.
Best Hair: The New Barbarians.
Best Death Scene Involving A Guy Getting His Head Caught In The Wheel Well Of A Moving Vehicle: The New Barbarians.
Best Scene Involving A Decapitated Torso Driving A Motorcycle: The New Barbarians.
Best "Post-Apocalyptic" Vehicles: The New Barbarians.
Best Golden Codpiece: Fred Williamson, The New Barbarians.
Best Skinny Hipster Headband On An Action Star: Fred Williamson, The New Barbarians.
Best Arrowhead-To-The-Neck-Resulting-In-An-Expolding-Head: Sylvester Stallone, Rambo. Just kidding. Fred Williamson, The New Barbarians.



You can get The New Barbarians on Netflix, but you'll have to wait until I'M done with it. And it might be awhile.

VARIOUS ARTISTS - THRASHING HOLOCAUST (2000)

Another excellent metal compilation from the long-gone Necropolis Records. This little slab of Satanic hatred was released before it was "cool" and "trendy" to play thrash, back when it was just sick, angry, and evil. Highlights: The Ancient's Rebirth, Absu, Sabbat, Dekapitator, Desekrator. Lowlights: None.

Pure fucking awseome.

1. Witchburner - Witchery
2. Burning Crosses - Desaster
3. Swing of the Axe - Absu
4. Warhouse - Nocturnal Breed
5. Total Cremation - Deathwitch
6. Morbid Faith - Sadistic Intent
7. Kick the Metallican - Sabbat
8. Into the Dimension of Sin - The Ancient's Rebirth
9. Old Thing in the Ground - Lordes Werre
10. Headbanging - Metalucifer
11. Stabbed Woman - Inferno
12. Debauchery (The Sinners Hammer) - Abominator
13. Prowling Death - Usurper
14. We Shall Not Await the Dawn - Abigail
15. Metal for Demons - Desekrator
16. Blood Fire Metal - Terror Squad
17. Hell's Metal - Dekapitator
18. Mysteries of Evilness - Satanic Slaughter
19. To the Bone - Ashes

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The Joy of a Wedding

There is nothing more beautiful than the coming together of two deserving people. To mark this key milestone in all our lives our society has crafted its greatest tradition, the wedding. Weddings are the perfect representation of the love two people feel for each other. Each small detail of the traditional wedding ceremony is perfectly placed to represent one or another aspect of the bride and groom's future lives together. Beyond that it provides a true merging of families and friends and larger social circles. To me, there is nothing more beautiful than the after-party reception where everyone boogies down together, laughing giddy like children and showing off their stuff. It is in these moments that we feel most alive as human beings, most connected with our friends and family and our god.

While all weddings are inherently grand and beautiful there are sometimes those that take it a step beyond, where mere tradition is improved upon with spectacle and sublime performance. This serves to draw the guests in even closer to the sacred love being shared by the betrothed-to-be. There are many great examples of crazy and outrageous wedding dances and surprises out there in YouTube land but there is one in particular that has this week caught the nation's attention. I have linked it here below so our dear and loyal readers at Illogical Contraption don't miss out on this cultural landmark. The video takes about twenty seconds to really get going so please, be patient, and soon you will be crying tears of joy from the deepest corners of your metal hearts. You are welcome in advance.

Life at it's most beautiful

SATURDAY MORNING DOUBLE FEATURE: BROKE AS HELL

BROKEN HOPE

When you get tired of fauxhawked deathcore dudes playing ridiculously technical guitar solos at a milliom miles an hour, tired of "death metal" bands that wear eye makeup, tired of "br00tal" bands whose singers throw in a "little melodic section" here and there to "keep it interesting", tired of metal bands whose names contain more than four words and feature heavily made-up scene chicks covered in blood on their album covers, tired of all this stuff... BROKEN HOPE will be waiting for you.

Sick, gory, simple, old school DM the way it should be. Brutal rather than "br00tal", with nary a "pig squeal" or a pair of tight jeans in sight. Ckicken soup for the Hessian soul.

SWAMPED IN GORE (1991)

-Alternate, Mom-friendly cover art (featuring the Space Checkerboard):

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THE BOWELS OF REPUGNANCE (1993)

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POPOL VUH - NOSFERATU THE VAMPYRE SOUNDTRACK (1979)

Werner Herzog's 1979 vampire masterpiece Nosferatu is a bit of an acquired taste. If you're a fan of big explosions, obvious humor, light-hearted romance, or instant gratification, steer the fuck clear of it. Stick with more suitable fare like House Bunny or something starring Dane Cook. Nosferatu is too good for you, Stupid American, and you probably wouldn't "get it" anyway. It's dark, it's slow, and it's cerebral. But most of all, it's CREEPY.
As is the droning, repetitive soundtrack by krautrock pioneers Popol Vuh. Drifting through the Transylvanian fog on a shimmering cloud of sitars, buzzing strings, and slowly-building unease, this album is a perfect companion to the film. Herzog enlisted Popol Vuh to provide soundtracks for several of his films in the 70's and 80's, and Nosferatu is one of the best. By the way, did you know that Popol Vuh is named after a manuscript containing the mythology of the Post-Classic Quiché Maya kingdom of highland Guatemala? Of course you did.

Duh.

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"I'M GONNA SHOOT SWAYZE"

Yeah, I know it's corny and "mainstream", but this recent "remake" of one of the greatest films of all time, Point Break, had me giggling like a wee schoolgirl.

"IF YOU WANT THE ULTIMATE, YOU'VE GOTTA BE WILLING TO PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE"

EVILE - ENTER THE GRAVE (2007)

Admittedly, I'm no big fan of the whole "retro-thrash" thing that all the kids seem to dig so much these days, but the UK's Evile manages to do it right, with chugging, early Metallica/Slayer riffs, blazing solos, frantic drumming, and a sound unique enough to set them apart from the rest of this burgeoning genre. Enter The Grave was their first full length release, which they followed up with Infected Nations this year. Killer shit, but the real reason to check out this CD is the mid-tempo, 8-minute gladiator epic "We Who Are About To Die", which pops up just over halfway through. This song is fucking AMAZING, and would make even Manowar at least a little jealous. Triumphant, bro.

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TIME-TRAVELLING WITH MANOWAR

Modern Day:

L to R - Eric Adams, Scott Columbus, Karl Logan, Joey DeMaio


Late 80's:

L to R - Joey DeMaio, David Shankle, Eric Adams, Scott Columbus


1976:

An early Manowar incarnation, "Looks". L to R - Duck MacDonald, Eric Adams, John Gagliano, Joey DeMaio


Just goes to show: Good taste NEVER goes out of style.

PROG BLOG WEDNESDAYS, PART 6

This week: GENTLE GIANT - OCTOPUS (1972)


A long, long, long, long, long time ago, way, way, way, way back in January of this year, I posted the 1970 self-titled debut album from the U.K.'s multi-instrumentalist progrock weirdos Gentle Giant. A wonderful album, to be sure, but it is surpassed in every way by their fourth full-length studio release (bands weren't nearly as lazy back in the 70's), 1972's Octopus. Stranger composition, busier riffs, heavier layering of polyrhythmic patterns and Crimson-esque vocal harmonies, and a more prominent lyrical focus on medieval themes make this the best Giant I've heard so far. But I haven't heard ALL of them just yet.
Excellent shit -- Highly recommended for music nerds and such.

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Below: Alternate cover art (U.S. release only)

New Ink

Special thanks to Brett for bringing this to my attention