Friday, September 14, 2012

The IllCon Guide To Corporate Instructional Rap Videos!

I've recently become obsessed with the now extinct genre of instructional rap videos from the 80s. I've been playing most of my findings on our podcast (which is live TONIGHT @ 10pm Pacific on FCCFREERADIO btw). The perfect combination of coked out CEOs making bad decisions and Reagan era crypto-racism (HEY OUR EMPLOYEES ARE POOR "URBAN" KIDS! LET'S SPEAK TO THEM ON THEIR LEVEL!). Here now I present to you my very favorites.

5. RTD Maintenance Department

Great example of "the man" trying to get on "our level" and speak "our language" through the power of "the music of the streets." I know if I was an employee of the Los Angeles' Rapid Transit Department in the 80s I would be nothing less than inspired to wake each morning and proudly crank on those buses after watching this inspiring video. Score: 6.8

4. Selling is Service

Nope. Nothing weird or awkward about these white people rapping here. Great work guys, let's put it out. 5.4

3. Pier One Imports LET'S COACHING

The most modern out of all our videos presented today. Detailing the process known as "Let's Coaching" from the geniuses ar Pier One Imports. "Let's Coaching" (Let's engage the customers! Let's make a sale!) is kind of perfect in the way it illustrates everything wrong with corporate upper management bullshit language. The awkward terminology, the emotional exploitation of their customers, the straight up lying they teach to their poor clerks. It's all there. 9.7

2. Wendy's COLD DRINKS

Wendy's are the KINGS (queens?) of instructional rap videos as you will soon see.
I'm not even going to lie. This song is fucking tight. Based around an 8 measure New Jack Swing loop Teddy Riley himself would be proud of. Reminiscent of TLC's earlier work or later DeeDee Ramone, this heartfelt lesson on how to serve cold drinks is sure to give any Wendy's employee the gusto needed to make the customer happy! Score: 8.5

1.  Wendy's Burger Rap

The classic track that made a generation learn how to love again. Not patronizing at all, this lesson on how to make a fuckin' burger has gone down in history as the premiere instructional rap video. These hamburger ladies are literal throbbing gristle. Singing gristle even! Also: doesn't feature any embarrassing white people rapping. Score: 10.0

Very Very Very Honorable Mention goes to this very incredible track released by KFC in 1987 credited to "Colonel and the Gang" on flexidisc (yes!) teaches the importance of making Chicken Littles and Shoestring fries properly, complete with references to "golden showers." If there was a video it would be number 1.

Listen to the most magical song about chicken ever recorded here.

Chicken littles are back btw. They are snackalicious. 


Erik Del Tigre said...

These are some serious jams. Cory, you're a pretty cool guy after all.

Brad said...

They may be ok but they're not the real Chicken Littles.

The Goodkind said...


Anonymous said...

Really bummed that "let's coaching" was taken off youtube before I got a chance to see it! anyone know of a mirror? I have some customers right now and I'm not sure how to coach them!!

Anonymous said...

also, the wendy's instructional video team were geniuses! my personal favorite is "chili can be served with cheese":

SoulReaper said...

This is a great list! I love how obsessed the bus maintenance people are with their workers not showing up. They lay down quite the extended guilt trip. There's even a part 2, where they continue harping on it.

If you have 18 minutes to spare, I highly suggest what might be the greatest training video ever. I worked for Cineplex Odeon theaters during the mid-late '90s, when this amazing sexual harassment prevention video was in use. No rappin' (not even singin'), but hilarious anyway.