Monday, July 9, 2012


For the record, Apocryphon's mini-tour a week and a half ago was excellent, and contained many a highlight (most of which cannot be discussed publicly). But what was most likely the high point of our epic four-day journey was our quick overnighter at the abode of the internet's own Jaime Glen Danzig, who, with the help (coercion?) of his dear lady-friend Erin, showed us not only peak levels of hospitality and friendliness (a tall order considering our obnoxious drunkenness), but fed us, bathed us, gave us a warm place to sleep, and let us harass their pets (Billie deserved it for peeing on my face). Pretty crazy considering it was the first time JGD and I ever met face-to-face, but, in his words, "it's become clear that he's obviously just some cast-off mutant sibling of mine, complete with many of the same hopes, dreams, and death metal shirts." I heartily concur.

Above: Apocryphon performing LIVE at Slabtown, Portland, OR, June 29th, 2012

So what's the best way to repay such unmatched kindness? Gifts? Money? Good vibes?
Not for me. I choose to take the high road, and by the "high road" I mean publicly shaming Jaime in the most terrible and demeaning way possible.
Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the Living Doorway/Illogical Contraption One-Month Fit Club Challenge 2012.


Here's the deal (as agreed upon between Mr. Danzig and myself): ONE MONTH (July 8 - August 8), whoever drops the most weight wins, bottom line. Whether it be by means of diet, exercise, shake weight, lipo (don't worry, neither of us can afford it), or stomach staples (don't worry, neither of us can afford it), the end result is all that matters. To the winner go the spoils.
The spoils: Winner (Cobras) designs a header that the loser (JGD) has to use on his blog for 2 weeks. No protest or arguments tolerated. The weigh-ins have already taken place, and the "before" pictures snapped (these may or may not be posted in August, depending on the condition of our respective doughy torsos/egos at the end of this competition). All that's left now: PAIN.
May the best man (me) win.

I may or may not have spoken about it before here on IllCon, but through both personal crisis and a little inspiration from The Living Doorway's Fit Club, I managed to drop about 20/25 lbs this past February/March, and although I've been slacking off super hard all summer (so far) and losing the beefy, rock-solid biceps I worked so hard to obtain, I feel fully confident and ready to dive back in at present. I'm pretty sure that through a combination of Ferriss-style slow-carb diet manipulation (you can call him a fraud, but it already worked for me once) and daily running around Lake Merritt (feel free to say hi, I'm the long-haired, tattooed guy wearing Rings of Saturn-logo basketball shorts), I can drop at least 10 or 12 pounds in a month. So let's fucking do this. I've got some really, uh, "creative" ideas for your new blog header, Jaime. I'd love for you to see them.


JGD said...

christ, I could really go for some lasagne right now.

Shelby Cobras said...


brett said...


Anonymous said...

You will both die!