BEHOLD, THE TOP 20 SHITTIEST METAL RELEASES OF 2010: The First (And Last) Year-End List You Will Ever See On I.C.

This is waaayyy better than any "metal" release that came out in 2010. NOT OPINION. FACT.

Yep, it's that time of year again. December. The month that all the metal critics, bloggers, journalists, and what have you trot out their year-end favorites, expounding on the virtues of what they think you should be listening to (and enjoying). A bit pompous, isn't it? Assuming that your exquisite taste in music needs to be shared with the metal community at large, that your 2010 selections are the only ones that everyone needs to hear? The kids are gonna like what they like regardless of your opinion, right? Get over yourself.

That being said, I'd like to welcome you all to Illogical Contraption's own year-end heavy metal blowout extravaganza. But this is no ordinary Top 10 or Top 20 or Top 1,000 of '010 list. This year has been a heinously busy one in the world of extreme metal, chock full of releases by just about every conceivable metal band (some inconceivable ones, too). There have been some really great albums, but really, what's the fun in standing around jerking off all over those ones? The sheer magnitude of new music on the market in 2010 guarantees that there will be a fair share of keepers, but more importantly, it conversely ensures that there will be a whole SHITLOAD of garbage to sift through as well. And THAT, my friends, is why we are here today.

So who writes a 'BOTTOM 20 OF 2010' list, anyways? SHELBY FUCKING COBRAS (left), that's who. Next question: Is Shelby Fucking Cobras qualified to write such a list? I would have to answer with a completely-qualified NO. Friends of IC know me as "That guy who could listen exclusively to the recorded output of Deicide, Suffocation, and Morbid Angel ('90-'95) and be completely content for the rest of his life", how could I possibly claim to have my finger on the pulse of modern music? The simple answer is that I DON'T. But I've been putting a whole Hell of a lot of effort into catching up with Metal Circa 2010 (read other attempts at concealing my codgery HERE and HERE), and I'm more than ready to bitch about some shit. I have a LOT of hate to share. A LOT.

But I don't hate my readers. I respect you. Therefore, it is imperative that I share these unarguable truths with you. What I do hate is shark-jumping, bandwagon-hopping, and unneccesary fellation of mediocre bands. And there is plenty of all that going around. I must expose falseness whenever and wherever I see it. It's part of my prime directives, like Robocop. What I say herein will not be popular. In fact, my claims will make some people very angry. But they are only my opinions. And like they say, opinions are like assholes. We all have 'em. Now allow me to spread my asshole OPINION for everyone to see.

BEHOLD THE BOTTOM:

Side question: Will 2011 be the year that Metallica finally breaks down and records a Christmas album?

20) CEPHALIC CARNAGE - MISLED BY CERTAINTY

I was certain that the new Cephalic Carnage album would be pretty decent. It appears that at some point I was misled. OH SNAP!

But seriously though, this album sucks balls. What's with the shit production? The clean vocals? It seems that these guys are making that heinous mistake so many grind bands have made as of late: angling for a shred of commercial success via MTV2 or Scion or whatever, but being just "commercial" enough to alienate their longtime fans and just "edgy" enough to keep the corporate cash cows at bay.
Too bad, I liked these guys for awhile.

Instead, listen to Phobia's new EP, Unrelenting. Or even their brand new split with Gadget. They both kill (you will notice that this theme of suggesting good metal albums from 2010--rather than shitty ones--will continue for the rest of this post).

19) SIX FEET UNDER - GRAVEYARD CLASSICS III

There's just SO MUCH to hate about what Six Feet Under has become over the years, it's really difficult to narrow it down to one paragraph.
Graveyard Classics is basically The Spaghetti Incident times nu-metal divided by Sublime's fanbase and subtracted from NASCAR. Six Feet Under is now a quote unquote death metal cover band, re-treading the same joke over and over, a painfully unfunny joke that goes like this: "Hey, what would it sound like if we took every generic hard rock/metal song in the history of classic-rock FM radio and replaced the original vocals with Chris Barnes' half-assed, monotone grunting?"
It's not funny anymore, guys.

Instead, listen to Severe Torture, Slaughtered.

18) ALCEST - ECAILLES DE LUNE

Remember that term I used earlier, "unneccesary fellation of mediocre bands"? Case in fucking point, right here. Everyone who's anyone will have Alcest's Ecailles De Lune on their 'Top 10 of '10' list this year, right? Of course. But honestly, I have NO IDEA what the appeal is here. I mean, I've never been a good buddy of the whole "dark ambient/shoegaze" genre, but Alcest seems almost exceptionally bad for this style of non-metal. Those vocals, yeeeeesh. The whining, quasi-soothing nature of the whole thing, it just REPELS me. Alcest sounds like they're exclusively playing the shitty parts of Opeth songs. Really. The first time I ever tried listening to this heap of garbage, I had to boil down and mainline straight Deicide just to get the omnipresent stink of PUSSY out of my clothes.

My apologies to anyone offended (and there will be many), it's just my own personal opinion that this type of weak-tea "intellectual-metal" posturing needs to be excised and destroyed immediately.

Instead, listen to Chronaexus, Algedonic Awakening.

17) ENSLAVED - AXIOMA ETHICA ODINI

I really liked Enslaved's earlier work, but managed to lose track of them somewhere around Monumension/Below The Lights. Pure morbid curiosity drove me to investigate their 2010 offering Axioma Ethica Odini, and the first couple bars of the first song proved to be a pleasant surprise: decent, mid-tempo BM with sufficiently ugly vocals, crunchy guitars, andAAAAAGGGGHHH clean "metalcore" vocals! Why?!?! Why would you do that, Enslaved? I mean, you guys used clean vocals in the past that actually worked, why would you embrace this new, pop-metal-esque, Stuff You Will Hate style?
Oh yeah, to sell more records to teenagers (see also: Cephalic Carnage).

Instead, listen to The Meads of Asphodel, The Murder of Jesus The Jew.

16) KORN - KORN III: REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAKorn put out a new album this year?!?!? SERIOUSLY?!?!
Actually fellas, I think perhaps it is you who need to "remember who you are"--namely, washed up sub-human turds with NO PLACE WHATSOEVER IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY AT ALL, EVER, FOR ANY REASON. And what's with the album cover? You think maybe Jonathan Davis drew that shit from memory?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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HAHAHAHAHA, really Korn, you guys lose at life. Really.

Instead, listen to Murder Construct's self-titled debut EP. Or better yet, Monumental Torment's Oppression Submission EP.

15) MACABRE - GRIM SCARY TALES

I'm starting to think that the "return to form" heavy metal album is just a myth. I mean, we had Slayer's World Painted Blood last year, touted before its release as a "return to form", and we all remember how THAT turned out, right? Do the words Death Magnetic ring a bell? I'm starting to think that when a metal band "loses it", it's just "gone", you know? There are no "returns to form", it's just OVER.
That being said, I heard the same obsolete term bandied about in reference to Macabre's first album in 8 years or so, Grim Scary Tales (which I don't think has even seen proper release yet), and I have to admit, part of me was hoping for Sinister Slaughter II. But true to the corny joke that serves as the album's title, Scary Tales is waaaaayyyy too heavy on the jokes and waaaaayyyy too light on the shred, and despite a couple of solid jams, metal versions of "Who's Afraid of The Big Bad Wolf" and a half-assed, tongue-in-cheek Venom cover take the air out of this sucker REAL quick.

Instead, listen to Autopsy's "comeback" EP, The Tomb Within.

14) TRYPTIKON - EPARISTERA DAIMONES

Another one I was still maintaining a glimmer of hope for, which broke my heart like all the others. For the record, I really liked Monotheist, but it seems like Tryptikon is wobbling into some extra-gothy territory that I really can't get behind, as if that cheesy eye makeup might finally be soaking into Mr. Warriors's sockets and causing him to make some really bad decisions. The songs on Daimones often take way too long to get fired up, and then seem to go nowhere once they're actually chugging along. The lyrics (and their delivery) are almost laughably bad, and the overall flaccidity of the Tryptikon experience leaves me scurrying for my old, beat-up copy of Morbid Tales like a scorned lover.
Sorry, Tom, but it's over between us.

Instead, listen to Sigh, Scenes From Hell. Questionable production, but still one (ahem) "HELL" of an album. (Sorry.)

I only added this picture so that I could use the "Mantlers" tag


13) POWERGLOVE - SATURDAY MORNING APOCALYPSE

OK, full disclosure: I really like Saturday Morning Apocalypse. I was never a fan of Voivod's cover of the Batman theme song, but I've got to admit: a tech/power metal cover of the theme from the 90's CARTOON version of Batman is madness bordering on brilliance. Throw in Inpector Gadget, Transformers, and X-Men, and you've got one jubilant Hessian nerd on your hands.
The reason Powerglove lands on the BOTTOM 20 is this: I've had that Godforsaken power-metal version of the Pokemon theme song stuck in my head for OVER A FUCKING MONTH NOW. One more chorus of "Gotta Catch 'Em All" and I'm going French kiss a table saw.

Instead, listen to Rhapsody of Fire, The Frozen Tears of Angels. Or don't. I would totally understand if you wanted to skip this one.

12) MASTODON - JONAH HEX: REVENGE GETS UGLY EP

Jonah Hex: Revenge Gets Ugly introduces us to a new low-water mark for the commercialization of "extreme" music, and once again proves the age-old equation to be true: SHIT + SHIT = TWICE AS MUCH SHIT. In a way, it's almost poetic justice--a movie as insultingly bad as Jonah Hex deserves a band as insultingly bad as Mastodon, and vice versa. Did you see these guys on Letterman after Crack The Skye came out? Wow. Just... Wow.

Instead, listen to Ghost, Opus Eponymous. Commercial-esque rock-metal done right.

11) HIGH ON FIRE - SNAKES FOR THE DIVINE

A fine example of "good" production ruining an album. Dude, DON'T POLISH THAT TURD! IT SOUNDS BETTER AS A TURD! And I'm not saying that to bag on HoF's music. It's actually decent. But you can hardly even hear it anymore due to the muffling effect of a thousand engineers, producers, and A&R's humping the shit out of one of the last profitable acts in the heavy metal music industry. High on Fire bums me out, man.
Also, how weird has it been to see Matt Pike go from stony Hessian uber-Bro to Creepy Stoner Rock Poster Boy in the last couple years? I bet someone casts him in a movie soon. Mark my words.

Instead, listen to Acid Witch, Stoned. Stoned.

10) CYNIC - RE-TRACED EP

I was not a fan of Traced In Air whatsoever. The prospect of a Cynic reunion seemed like a good idea at the beginning, but after hearing their jazzy, neutered take on the "old" Cynic sound, what I knew to be true in my heart of hearts became quickly apparent: metal bands should NOT re-unite (except Suffocation). But a "re-imagining" of their recently-released comeback album, in the form of the Re-Traced EP? How are we NOT going to draw parallels between this and Re-Load? It's not just a matter of bad music. This shit is near tantamount to consumer fraud.
There are no "comebacks". Only "adult contemporary" metal for middle-aged navel-gazers. Sorry Masvidal. You seem like a cool guy, but I can't get behind this dreck.

PS: Bring back the fucking robot voice already!

Instead, listen to Lesbian, Stratospheria Cubensis.

9) WATAIN - LAWLESS DARKNESS

I guess I'm still just kinda irked that Scion paid for their tour or something. It's like, all idealistic posturing aside, FUCKING OWN UP TO YOUR OWN FALSE-ASS COMMERCIAL INTERESTS, WATAIN. You are not "kvlt", in fact, you are not even remotely "tough". You can, like, soak your stage clothes in dead animals or whatever, but for God's sake, quit trying to trick your fans--with a straight face. Illogical Contraption has exposed your proverbial "pose". Sorry Bros.

Off the artistic roll-call, so to speak.

Instead, listen to Deathspell Omega, Paracletus. Or Kerasphorus' Cloven Hooves At The Holocaust Dawn EP. Or Troll, Neo-Satanic Supremacy.

8) EXODUS - EXHIBIT B: THE HUMAN CONDITION

Please, Exodus. Please please please please. Just STOP already. In the name of Baloff, I beg you.
Actually, you don't even have to stop. Just do it under a different name. The Exodus who released Bonded By Blood back in '85 is NOT the same Exodus that put out Fabulous Disaster in '88, and THAT Exodus is definitely not related to the group of hired goons that shoveled that steaming pile of Let There Be Blood onto our unsuspecting earballs 20 years later. Just ditch the name, that's all I ask. You're not "Exodus" anymore.
I'll even give you 4 suggestions for a new moniker, free of charge:

1) BROCRASTERBATION
2) SHOVEL-HEADED MOSHBRO POSSE
3) PARTY-TIME FOOTBALL JERSEY BRO SQUAD
4) GOATEE-BRO PARTY DOWN XBOX 360 COORS LIGHT DUDEFEST

Instead, listen to The Crown, Doomsday King.

Just because.

7) HUNTRESS - OFF WITH HER HEAD Demo

Really, just a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible heavy metal band.
Also, a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible group of people to hang out with for a weekend.
Go download it.

(Jill: CALL ME.)

Instead, listen to Slough Feg, The Animal Spirits.

6) CRETACEOUS - SAURIAN JIHAD EP

Probably the only band that I could ever possibly hate more than Huntress.
There's a good reason their first demo only scored a 3% on Encyclopaedia Metallum.

Jesus Christ. Thank God they broke up.

(Download this milestone of human creativity HERE.)

Instead, listen to some actual SF metal, like the Hazzard's Cure demo. I have it on good authority that their full-length is coming soon...

5) BURZUM - BELUS

Burzum's new album is a fine example of what I like to call the Uncool Uncle Syndrome. UUS is easy to identify once you've seen the symptoms, and I'm sure many of you have experienced it already. Uncool Uncle Syndrome manifests itself thusly:

You have an awkward, single uncle in his mid-to-late 40's or early 50's who suffers from social issues and/or a drinking problem. This uncle used to be a rocker back in the day, and he's had an extremely hard time accepting the fact that he's getting old, his metabolism is slowing down, and he can't party like he used to. He still plays in a band, though, with a bunch of other middle-aged losers like himself. They are terrible. At some point, he talks you into going to see his depressing-ass band play live at some dive bar/county fair/junior high dance. Their music is awful, repetitive garbage devoid of creativity or inspiration. You barely escape with your sanity. Welcome to the soul-crushing despair of UUS.

Oh, also your uncle is a convicted murderer.

Instead, listen to Blood of Kingu, Sun In The House of The Scorpion.

4) NACHTMYSTIUM - ADDICTS: BLACK MEDDLE, PART 2

YACHT-MYSTIUM
NOT-MYSTIUM
NACHT-FISTIN'-EM
COCK-PISSTIUM
LIMP-WRISTIUM

meh.

Instead, listen to Impaled Nazarene, Road To The Octagon (it's not a concept album about UFC, I swear).

3) EVERY SWOOPY-HAIRED, TIGHT-PANTS-WEARING, CLEAN-CHORUS-SINGING, FALSE-METAL-ENDORSING, SYNCHRONIZED HEAD-BANGING, HOT-TOPIC-SHOPPING, ANNOYING-RINGTONE-HAVING, JESUS-LOVING, EMO-MAKEUP-WEARING-AND-NON-IRONICALLY-STUFF-YOU-WILL-HATE-READING "METALCORE" DOGSHIT PRISON-BAIT-BEING BAND THAT PUT OUT AN ALBUM IN 2010. Too many to list, unfortunately.

Instead, listen to Haiyano Daisuki's Invincible Gate Mind Of The Infernal Fire Hell EP.

2) A BULLET FOR PRETTY BOY - REVISION: REVISE

Just in case I didn't make my feelings on their genre perfectly clear up there in #3, and just on the off chance that you missed my thoughts on A Bullet For Pretty Boy back here, allow me to repeat myself: "YOUR GOD DOESN'T EXIST AND YOUR MUSIC IS LOWER THAN THE LOWEST IMAGINABLE FORM OF ROTTING, PURULENT PIGSHIT. IF THERE EVER WAS A "JESUS" (AND THERE WASN'T), HE WOULD TURN HIS BACK ON YOU AND CAST YOU OUT OF HIS FLOCK, IF ONLY TO CONVINCE YOU TO PUT DOWN YOUR GUITARS, YOUR KEYBOARDS, YOUR DRUMSTICKS, YOUR MICROPHONES, AND JUST WALK AWAY... WALK AWAY FROM "MUSIC" FOREVER, ALWAYS, FOR ETERNITY. DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER COME BACK. YOUR "INPUT" IS NOT NEEDED. GET A JOB, STOP LIVING OFF YOUR PARENTS, GO FAR, FAR, FAR AWAY FROM US--THE PEOPLE WHO APPRECIATE REAL MUSIC, MUSIC WITH SOUL, MUSIC WITH INTEGRITY, MUSIC WITH FUCKING BALLS!"

(Did you really think I was done with these guys?)

Instead, listen to the Satanic majesty of Inquisition's Ominous Doctrines of the Perpetual Mystical Macrocosm.

1) KVELERTAK - S/T

Yeah, yeah, I know. Everyone LOVES Kvelertak. Everyone HATES Kvelertak. Let's just hunker down and wait this one out, I guarantee that no one will even remember this band by December 2011.

A prediction: Kvelertak's career arc will be the exact career arc of their countrymen (and apparently main inspiration) Turbonegro. Just as Turbonegro started off playing ironic rock music disguised as punk rock, so too has Kvelertak begun their career by playing ironic rock music disguised as black metal. And just as Turbonegro slowly became a sad parody of themselves, losing their "punk rock" element and morphing into just plain bad ironic rock music, so too will Kvelertak drop any semblance to "menace" or "metal" in the near future, and before you know it all these jock-riding "metal critics" will be abandoning the Kvelertak Bandwagon like rats from a sinking ship. Irony upon irony. Hipsters rejoice!

Instead, listen to something truly face-melting, such as Defeated Sanity, Chapters of Repugnance. Or Vasaeleth, Crypt Born And Tethered To Ruin. Or Perdition Temple, Edict of The Antichrist Elect. Or Decrepit Birth, Polarity. Or Brain Drill, Quantum Catastrophe. Or Rings of Saturn's Embryonic Anomaly.
You can thank me later.


Also, I want to wish my Dad a happy birthday. That is all.