HOW TO NAME YOUR DEATH METAL BAND, PART 5

Welcome, again, to the last installment of a 5-part Friday series, designed to assist the fledgling death metal musician in the most difficult aspect of his or her career path: NAMING THE BAND. As we all know, a good band name is of the utmost importance when it comes to the success of your group. Rather than prattle on with useless advice, Illogical Contraption has chosen the simpler path, which is learning by example. Professor Cobras himself has scoured the very bowels of Encyclopaedia Metallum, choosing 100 of the VERY BEST death metal band names (out of almost 25,000) for your consideration and/or ridicule. These 100 bands have been split into sets of 20 by category, and these categories in turn have been broken down into smaller sub-categories. Hopefully this series will be of some use, as its painstaking creation was something of a "labor of love" for all parties involved. So without further ado...

(Read Part 1 HERE, Part 2 HERE, Part 3 HERE, Part 4 HERE.)



THIS WEEK'S LESSON: COMPLETELY NONSENSICAL BAND NAMES

These are basically the leftovers -- the awesome fucking death metal band names that just wouldn't fit into any of the categories presented in the first four parts of the series. From mind-blowing to mundane, these always-goofy band names represent some of the best in the genre, and are guaranteed to leave your jaw hanging in astonishment. So enter if you dare, Metal Brothers and Sisters, and witness the work of masters...


SUB-CATEGORY A: BAND NAMES THAT MAKE NO SENSE IN REFERENCE TO THE DEATH METAL GENRE

We started in Thailand last week, so I figured that Bangkok would be a fine place to start off this week as well. MACARONI has left behind very little evidence of their existence on the internet, but I did manage to track down this album cover. Which leaves me yearning to know more. Who ARE you, Macaroni? And where did you go? And why are you called "Macaroni"?

Sticking with the "food" theme (is food metal? Discuss...), we have the Phillipine melo-death unit CORN MUFFINS. Maybe corn muffins never struck you as very "brutal". Hopefully, all of that has changed now.

Above: I could find very little information about the Russian band AWESOME, besides this logo and an album called Delicious Religion from 1994. These guys only existed from '92 to '96, which leaves me with one question: Is the name "Awesome" considered public domain yet? Can I use it for my next death metal band?


SUB-CATEGORY B: BAND NAMES THAT MAKE NO SENSE IN REFERENCE TO ANYTHING

Germany's BOILED KILT existed from 1995-2003 and managed to tour with Sepultura and Pro-Pain. But despite massive amounts of talent and a name destined for greatness, they shunned the spotlight, as evidenced by the title of their 2000 release Not 4 Sale. Boiled Kilt possessed a singular vision that could not be bought or compromised.
I can actually think of a couple reasons why you might boil a kilt. Can you?

From Canada comes the obtusely-named VIOLENT MARV. Reference to the well-publicized escapades of sports commentator Marv Albert or simply the blatherings of a heavily stoned group of Canuck moshers? Either way, it works. R.I.P. Marv, 1999-2006.
By the way, their bass player's name was The Terminally Ill Squid.

Can you read that logo up there? Of course you can. It says "CAKEWET", and it belongs to a recently-disbanded Swiss band of the same name. Now, "Cakewet" is great in itself, but their drummer also plays in another band called GERBOPHOBIA (fear of gerbils?) and they also had the good taste to call their 2004 demo Poser Division Cakewet (non-metallions can find a joke explanation here). Now that's fucking sweet.

I'll let the Netherlands' FUCKEZ-VOUS explain:

"The rise: It all started after the big Millenial changes in the Western World. A warrior Nymph, saw her chances to be able to call forth the creatures of the forests of Northern Limburgea and North-Eastern Brabant (Le Pays de Quque) to serve her. This lone wandering forest dweller known as the Cadavre came with her majestic frontal bags and enchanting beauty, seeking the essence of evil through the mimicry of wild beasts who could spill her slime upon humanity. This massive Demon took sadistic pleasure from instilling crazed terror inside a self-hailed cult of men, once thought to be aspiring geniuses. Six indivuals from all corners of the glades were forcibly raised from noble craftsmen, into these malevolent sorcerers who are entitled as Fuckez-Vous. These sick creatures, all with their own speciality, enjoy nothing more than sowing dissension and hatred within the forsaken world. Fighting for the cause of the Cadavres means, spread the foul plague and denying the false essence of the light. Darkness is what guides the noble, yet dark warriors that call themselves Fuckez-Vous."

Just because a band's name is completely nonsensical doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't make any sense. Right?
Take Wisconsin's PAIN TRACTOR, for example. Being a grindcore band that writes songs about the angst and horror of everyday life -- everyday life in WISCONSIN, that is -- would certainly necessitate a name like "Pain Tractor". To an outsider, it might seem like gibberish. But to the actual members, the name must seem FRAUGHT with meaning.
Oh, and they also share members with ANAL BEARD, DEEP SHIT, and CORPSE FUCKING TANTRUM.

MORBID ENEMA.

What else needs to be said?

SUB-CATEGORY C: REPETITIOUS BAND NAMES

I had a P.E. teacher in 7th grade named Mrs. White. She was about 80 and somewhere around 4 feet tall. She was a total bitch, and would often repeat the phrase "Repetition is the key to success!"
At least she was right about something.

Take Germany's ABORTIVE ABORTION. See how repetition can benefit your band name? See how repetition can benefit your band name? See how repetition can benefit your band name?
I just want to make sure that sinks in.

Another fine example is Austria's VISCERAL EVISCERATION. Although they broke up in the 90's, their fans keep the memory alive through a tribute Myspace page, proving that a repetitive name will never be forgotten. And get a load of that fucking logo!!! That's some "outside the box" design if I've ever seen it!

It is 1985. You have a mustache. You live in Chicago, Illinois and play in a band called TERMINAL DEATH.
Your entire existence is composed of nothing but pure, unadulterated WIN.

SUB-CATEGORY D: OVER-LONG GOREGRIND BAND NAMES

As I've said before, those Germans sure know how to name a death metal band. Take Kuenzelsau's TORVISCERIZER, for one. I can't even begin to calculate how many sweet metal words they've incorporated into their name. Viscera? Torso? Torment? Terrorizer? It boggles one's mind.

A brief lesson: If you are in a goregrind band and you live in Belgium, the name of said goregrind band must not be any fewer than seven syllables long. AMPUTATED REPUGNANCE just baaaarely squeaked by.
Also, you should have a demo with a name like Infamous Tentacles Fisting.

Likewise, if you are a goregrind band from Costa Rica, your name must contain no less than ten syllables. Hence PSUEDOSTRATIFFIED EPITHELIUM.

Sometimes a goregrind band is SO brilliantly named that the number of syllables in their name can't even be calculated. Like Mexico's PSICOVOMITOSIS SADINECROOTITIS. I have absolutely no idea how their name should sound, audio-wise. I have been utterly conquered. I would congratulate them, but I don't even want to type that name again.


SUB-CATEGORY E: BANDS DISPLAYING FLAGRANT USE OF SUPERFLUOUS PREFIXES AND SUFFIXES

Raise your hand if you remember my post on Bentonology from back in April ('Bentonology:A Neoclassical Study of Deicide Lyrics In Regards To Etymology And Grammar').

Wow, that's alot of hands!

Anyway, "Bentonology" is a term I coined in reference to metal lyrics, metal albums, and metal bands who add superfluous (and sometimes even imaginary) prefixes and suffixes to words to make them sound more metal (Glen Benton from Deicide is the undeniable master of this practice). Here are some practitioners of Classical Bentonolgy that I felt deserved special mention.

PS: Google search "Bentonology". That's right. Illogical Contraption = #1 result. In your face, Marine Bentonology!!!

From Florida comes IMPLOSIVE DISGORGENCE. A darn good name, for sure, but I feel that a true Bentonologist would have gone with something more like "QUASI-IMPLOSIFIED REDISGORGENCY" or "NECROIMPLOSITIZED PANDISGORGEMENTIFICATION".
Not bad, though.

SPASTICATED RAZOR MASTURBATOR from England had a wonderful name, but were rather short-lived. Their only release? A couple songs on the 4-Way Vaginal Shit Molestation Split back in the early 00's. Remember that one?

PUTREFYING CADAVERMENT comes from North Carolina and has a record called Necrosadistic Defilement. Win/Win.
A shiny nickel to anyone who provides me with a decent definition for the word "cadaverment". Seriously.

Finally, we have Mexico's PARACOCCIDIOIDOMICOSISPROCTITISSARCOMUCOSIS. They have great hair, a great logo, and an album entitled Aromatica Germenexcitación en Orgías De Viscosa Y Amarga Putrefacción, but really, it all comes back to the name.
And PARACOCCIDIOIDOMICOSISPROCTITISSARCOMUCOSIS might just be the best, EVER.

So that's it, I'm done. End of series. Thanks for sticking around.