HOW TO NAME YOUR DEATH METAL BAND, PART 1

Welcome to a new 5-part Friday series, designed to assist the fledgling death metal musician in the most difficult aspect of his or her career path: NAMING THE BAND. As we all know, a good band name is of the utmost importance when it comes to the success of your group. Rather than prattle on with useless advice, Illogical Contraption has chosen the simpler path, which is learning by example. Professor Cobras himself has scoured the very bowels of Encyclopaedia Metallum, choosing 100 of the VERY BEST death metal band names (out of almost 25,000) for your consideration and/or ridicule. These 100 bands have been split into sets of 20 by category, and these categories in turn have been broken down into smaller sub-categories. Hopefully this series will be of some use, as its painstaking creation was something of a "labor of love" for all parties involved. So without further ado...


THIS WEEK'S LESSON: BAND NAMES INVOLVING ANATOMY AND/OR ANIMALS

It's always a good idea to include either a body part and/or a type of animal in the name of your new death metal band. Both are well-established traditions in the DM world, and in doing so you will give the impression that you are familiar with the perameters of the genre. In the following post, we will explore the different directions you can go with these ideas, via several bands that have done it well. Results are broken down via sub-categories A, B, and C.


SUB-CATEGORY A: ANATOMICAL DEATH METAL BAND NAMES

We will begin our quest gently, with Italy's affectionately-named CARNIVOROUS VAGINA. These guys pride themselves in the fact that they sound exactly like Mortician, and in fact procured the skills of Mortician's Will Rahmer (great porn name, PS) to produce their album. Not the most original vision for a band, but a fine example of how a good anatomy-inspired band name can really "sell" a band. Bravo.
Only 99 more to go...




Then again, we have the "simpler is better" approach, as practiced by Holland's SCROTUM. Although Scrotum have very little information available on the internet, Myspace or otherwise (Googling "scrotum Myspace" was a bit of a disaster anyways), I think it's safe to say that we can expect great things from this aptly-named band in the future.




Bridging the gap between Carnivorous Vagina and Scrotum is Germany's DICKSAW, whose 2001 album Planet Bitch nearly re-definied mediocre pornogrind. A simple enough name, with the prescibed anatomical reference combined slyly with a carpentry tool. Good job, Dicksaw. And the "cape-and-diapers" look is never a bad call.




Another "simpler is better" band name comes in the form of Norway's BUTTOCKS, who obviously understand the importance of a posterior reference. Asses are VERY METAL, as any member of Buttocks will agree. Read on for further proof...




Making things a little more specific is Finland's RECTUM, who also abide by The Power of The Ass when it comes to band names. In general, the more specific the better when we're talking body parts and band names, but it will takes us dozens more examples and several more weeks to fully explore this realm. Speaking of The Power of The Ass...




You just can't go wrong putting the word "ass" in your name. Just ask Germany's ASSFIST (above) OR Brazil's ASS FLAVOUR (below). It's win/win. Case closed.


But some bands decide to double up, and as a result, formulate some of the most brilliant band names possible. Such as...


Germany's ANAL PENIS. Like Anal Cunt, these guys realized that the equation (funny body part) + (funny body part) = AWESOME DEATH METAL BAND NAME. With a name like Anal Penis, no one will even care what your music sounds like. They'll be too busy buying your shirts and stickers to even notice. I hope you guys are taking notes.

SUB-CATEGORY B: DEATH METAL BAND NAMES INVOLVING ANIMALS

New York's LOBSTER APOCALYPSE have the right idea. Simply using the word "apocalypse" in your band name is played out and predictable in the death metal world, but adding on a curveball like "lobster" is just the right touch of stupid/brilliant. Crustaceans = METAL. 'Nuff said.



Another clever idea is the use of a "cute" animal name in conjunction with some sort of morbid or grotesque imagery. Late 80's Hungarian grindcore band KITTEN REMAINS understood this concept well, and although no band photo and/or information on the group seems to be available on the internet, the sheer power of their name alone guarantees that their memory will not fade.

France's ROTTEN POODLE obviously got that memo, too.

But GOATS are by far the most metal species in the animal kingdom, and incorporating one in your band name is never a bad idea. Just ask England's GOATPUNCHER. Goats are metal, indeed. But punching goats? Metal beyond belief.

Another popular use of the goat is the "over-long goat-oriented band name".

Example B1: Mexico's MISANTHROPIC GOATHAMMER.

Example B2: England's NECROSADISTIC GOAT TORTURE.

Moving on...


SUB-CATEGORY C: DEATH METAL BAND NAMES INCORPORATING BOTH ANIMALS AND BODY PARTS (BONUS POINTS)

Major respect out to Acapulco's NASTY PIG DICK, who refused to let their feeble grasp of the English langusge hinder the creation of a great band name. A prime example of how the combination of an animal name and a body part will always come up Milhouse.


Q: Do mythical creatures count?
A: Yes. And Dutch metallers ASS GOBLINS prove it. According to Encyclopaedia Metallum, these guys write songs about "Pizza, Porn, Goblins, and Beer", an array of subject matter as eclectic and pleasing as the name itself.




Leave it to Brazil to give us a band as visually striking as these guys. Ski masks, blowtorches, camo pants and all, the well-named GOAT PENIS has an all-encompassing flair for all things metal, carrying on a national tradition nearly as old as the very genre of death metal.



While we're on the subject of penises, let's take a moment to pay our respects to Italy's PENIS LEECH (below). In a rare show a bad taste, these guys changed their name in the early 00's, effectively putting an abrupt end to something magical and sublime. Needless to say, the words "penis leech" bring some truly disturbing images to mind, which is exactly what a death metal band name should do. Why, Penis Leech? Why?




Once again, France comes through, this time in the form of grindheads VAGINAL CHICKEN. Their latest release, 2009's Hangover Chicken, was released on Inhuman Homicide Records, proving that a killer band name will get you not only chicks and T-shirt sales, but also the occasional record deal.




Lastly, we have the wonderfully-named KOKTOPUS, straight out of Kansas. If you want to talk about disturbing mental images, these guys nailed it. The thought of an eight-dicked sea creature bearing down on you in the depths of the Mariana Trench is METAL AS FUCK, and hence, Koktopus wins at the band-naming game.

BONUS: UNUSED DEATH METAL BAND NAME OF THE WEEK!

"SHEER FART ATTACK". It's all yours!

Tune in next week for 20 more bands who have raised the act of naming a death metal group from mere science to high art...